Very important. In fact that is all that matters. The packaging.

The turnover of the company should look good ( number crunching exercise with some manipulations thrown in for greater effect). Sometimes it can backfire like in the case of Satyam guys. I guess they went overboard with the manipulation. The turnovers were all fake. But they were real for a number of years. The common man believed them. The banks believed them. They looked good you see.

Similarly, in our lives, we just fake everything, our feelings , emotions, relationships just to look good. ‘Feeling good’ is secondary. ‘Looking good’ is the ‘be all and end all’. Our family may be dysfunctional but its not OK to talk about it. There may be abuse of all kinds in the family but the message always is, push it under the carpet. If there is alcoholism or some other addiction in the family, don’t ever talk about it. In fact assume that it does not exist. Just ‘act’ normal.

How much damage this ‘looking good’ business causes.

But maybe ‘feeling good’ may mean letting secrets out, showing the real me, standing in the sunlight just as I am with all my faults and foibles and that would be scary man. Very scary. What if everyone rejected me?

So hiding is next best option. Act as if. Act as if evertything is OK. Act as if there is nothing wrong. And do this for a generation till it becomes a false reality for the next generation and the cycle of ‘acting good’, abuse, addiction continues over the next few generations till someone decides not to look good.

The choices we make are never easy. But I guess for me today ‘feeling good is definitely more important’.

Whatever the cost may be. Anyway, there is nothing more to lose.

‘All is quiet on the western front’

My father stays in touch He calls, he informs me about tender notices which are relevant to our field of work. Maybe it is his way of showing that he cares. Maybe, I should be OK with that. But this will always be the haziest (does such a word even exist?) area of my life.

I am getting ready mentally for a potential business partner. Maybe that would mean increased growth, distribution of responsibilities, funding.. Maybe I am in the burnout phase. Just too tired most of the time.

The salaries for February and most of the pending bills need to be cleared. Except that I have no idea how.
The bank has refused to increase our limit at all unless we show some collateral, property against which they might consider our request. And ‘property’? You must be joking guys. Where is the property?

So I checked out the process of developing a business plan. And it is a herculean task. And how can you go on and on writing (actually praising) about your concept, services,idea, whatever..
par karna to padega.

VC’s,angel investors, angels.. please visit GC.

I have not contributed an iota in my daughters’ final exams. If at all, I have been whining and have been depressed around her.

I am going insane.

Don’t check me out.

Lucknow Industrial Development Authority floated a tender (for namesake) for the preparation of a masterplan and gave it to a company in Meerut called Tech Mech International, who has no experience in doing this kind of work. They have been awarded the work because of their ‘links’, ‘political’ and otherwise.

Now Tech Mech invited us for discussions and for outsourcing the GIS part. Mainly the creation of a base map using high resolution satellite imagery. They have no idea of the how’s and why’s of the work. We explained the process and methodology to them in great detail and we reached the stage of discussing the prices.  In a day or two, Mr. Ankit who was representing Tech Mech travelled to Lucknow to meet the client and came back after outsourcing the work to some other company in Gorakhpur. And the take on the issue was that there was ‘political pressure’ on them to give the work to that particular company.

I mean this is bullshit. First a company who does not deserve to get the job gets it. Then it is pressurized to again give away part of the job to a yet again undeserving company. I mean one wrong sparking off a series of wrongs. Spoke to the CEO of LIDA, Mr. Vaarshney and he has expressed his incapability of doing anything. And these are the ‘men’ in ‘power’. Awesome.

And those who are deserving stay in the background because they do not have the necessary ‘links’ or ‘liasioning’ as it is called.

What would ’success’ in such a system mean?

As kids, we got the basics (roti,kapda,makan). No doubt about it. And a good formal education. Nevertheless, we did not get any emotional nurturing or any ‘real’ education.

I was daughter no. 2 and that in itself was a very unwanted scenario. And then, I was rebellious,different. So, I was always at loggerheads with my mother. My father was neither here nor there. He could never take a stand on any issue. Basically, he would agree that I had a point and then would promptly go back to saying that my mother was right and she wanted the best for me. So it was always a see saw. I never ‘felt’ I had a father figure in my life on whom I could depend and who would stand by me no matter what.

And later in life I realized that my mother wanted me to do a job, earn some money but beyond that she envisioned a purely traditional role for me with me obeying my husband, running the house efficiently ( I could never match up to her standards) and bringing up kids ( and definitely have a boy somehow). She would say that there was no gender bias in her mind but all her actions only reflected that. A lot of pujas were performed in our house so that my mother could be blessed with a baby boy and that is how my brother came in this world ( he is nine years younger to me). The gender bias was even more visible thereon.

So, when my marriage did not work out and I did not wish to do a conventional job, she was not willing to take a stand and put anything at stake. It was as if I was all alone in the choices I was making and that is how it has been for a very long time. The unsaid message was that if I could take up a regular job, be a normal married woman, she could deal with me and maybe gift me a few sarees now and then, maybe if she got very happy then even a piece of jewellery but nothing beyond that.

If I was looking at support to start my own work, emotionally or financially, it was unavailable.
If something was to be put at stake, she would back out. And also ask the other family members to stay away. So, over the years I have understood that She has been unwilling to participate in my mission to achieve my full potential. She was ok with me being her prototype but when I wanted to take more risk, to take on bigger challenges ( to step into a male dominated field), she was unavailable.

And that has taken its toll. On me. On my daughter.

I guess it is never easy to take a stand, more so for a daughter.

I had a very severe throat infection and my daughter did not allow me to get up to prepare breakfast for her when she left for her exam in the morning. I am very grateful to her as I truly did not have the strength. I am very grateful to her for a lot of stuff including living with me in isolation and facing all the social ostracism that comes along with living with a single mother. And to top it the pressures of setting up a company and all the financial and emotional hassles that come along with it.

I did not feel like coming to work today but it is like one task at a time, one day at a time. And what needs to be done on a daily basis has to be done. I have not really accomplished much. A few phone calls, a few mails and that is about all. A lot of clutter needs to go from my table. Too many unproductive files.
It will happen I guess. awareness, acceptance,action. Action is the last step you see. I am yet in the awareness stage you see. Although action is the magic word.

So today, I just wish to go home, lie down and rest. Close my eyes and forget that I have loans to re-pay, that we need more projects and the unpaid bills.

For once. For a change.

Surrender to a HP.

We need an accountant. And we need a marketing guy. And we need funds.
So what’s really new here guys.

There was a tender with Jalandhar Municipal Corporation and since the investment was high, we decided to go ahead with a lead partner, Genesys. It was all smooth till they asked for our company details and we asked for an agreement. Then we were asked to define our scope of work in the entire project. We mentioned that we could actually handle the complete technical execution from start to finish and that they needed to highlight what part they were keen on doing. And that was it. All communication stopped.
I am wondering if stating our capabilities was what busted it. I mean we should have shown our disability and shortcomings rather than our strength. And maybe because it is a company being headed by a woman. Maybe it is true that it is difficult, maybe impossible for a woman to break the glass ceiling in the corporate world. What else can explain the slow and tedious growth of Global Coordinates?
Or should I follow the idiom: ’stoop to win’ literally. Jhuk jao, doormat ban jao. Then it might work. To do it with self respect and honesty and dignity, forget it.

Maybe I am speculating.Maybe I don’t want to see the reality even when it is staring me in the face. Jo bhi hai, kuch to theek nahin hai. Actually, kuch bhi theek nahin hai.

Theek ho jayega, like in the future tense. It will get better.
When?

is an irrelevant question.

Just walk the walk.

The new accountant did not turn up today. We were able to pay part salaries ( something is better than nothing!).  And we had to take the readings of two points near the airport and thankfully that got done. The sky was clear, the satellites signals reached the GPS and the job was done. Something got done without a hitch (!!).

Yesterday, me and my daughter witnessed the shit yet again. In fact it has become a normal routine for shit to hit us specially when she has an exam the next day. This has been a time tested theory for us. We should have been prepared. But then there are so many ’should’s’ in one’s life.

Our driver ( a new one who has now left) parked the car in front of two other cars and with the hand brake (this after specific instructions were given to him about how and where not to park the car). So come midnight and the bell of our house rang. I had already prepared to go to bed and I asked my daughter to take the car keys and do the needful. After a few moments, I heard a lot of shouting and I went out and saw two men screaming wildly at her and using abusive words. She was trying to calm them down saying that she was coming to remove the car and that the matter could be resolved amicably but to no avail. When I realized that the men did not wish to see reason, we came inside and locked the house.

After a while, the bell rang again and the men had called the cops. And then it was all mayhem. They used the choicest of words, abuses and what have you. It was a bad night for both of us. And then it set me thinking. Why is it that we love things more than people? What is it about cars and mobiles and what have you? We are ready to fight, to hurt each other, to hit each other and for what?

Love for things is greater than love for human beings and their feelings. The more things one has, the more cars, houses, titles, the more powerful one thinks oneself to be. And since everything is attached to things, we clutch on to them like a leech. Hold on them with our life.

I guess, therefore ‘loss’ is  a great teacher, whether it is of material things or of relationships or of loved ones. Because ‘loss’ could be or should be converted to ‘letting go’.

Trying to ‘let go’.

At one point in time, when I came out of active alcoholism, it was extremely important that I became part of the system, paid the bills on time, ensured that the house remained clean, that the meals were cooked and the usual jazz.

But increasingly, this is just not enough. It feels like all these parameters are constraints in becoming who we truly are. And to have to feign happiness at the little freedom one has in terms of a holiday or a movie or a break.

My daughter is studying for her exams and I see no point in this formal education. it is very depressing to see her focus on the books with no motivation or willingness.

That said, a lot of bills are due and overdue. Today, I am hoping to clear the office rent and some minor ones(telephone,water,electricity). A new accountant should be joining us today and I am hoping that he will get our accounts in shape as fast as possible. We need to get our working capital limit increased asap. The online shop needs investment to get going and the plotter is lying at the service centre for repair. That needs to be on the road again.

The system.

The NATMO guys are refusing to pay even after we have submitted the final proof of all the maps for UP and India in Hindi. The refrain now is that we need to submit the CMYK films before they will release the payment. I truly cannot understand the ‘chakkar’. If a project extends over two years, anyone would need payments commensurate with the submissions. And it is a project funded by the government for the government. It is not their personal money but just being the custodian makes them behave like they are the owners (the masters) and we the service providers are the servants (the slaves). I guess getting respect is a far cry, if we get paid at all, it will be a miracle.

Taking work is as much an art as doing good work.

Par kisko bolen?

The ‘mining’ project is through(a very small one) and I am hoping that we can do it well.
We do need more projects and I am not being able to focus as of now because unless the rent and salaries are cleared, my head will remain jammed.

Its Holi time and everyone is looking forward to the long weekend. I guess the same goes for me, not so much for the festival as for the change in routine. The spirit of the festival has long been dead. Its just the sense of holiday,color and permission to flirt that is very attractive now. Also that it generates emotions which sell. And anything that is saleable is good( supposedly).

The beginning and the end is all mixed up for me as of now.

We have asked ‘Amma’ to leave, so in the mornings I am completely by myself and it is somehow peaceful. It is amazing how the vibrations of certain people can change the energy of the place. I was becoming irritated by her sense of dependency, by her manipulative tactics and her inability to understand the way of life me and my daughter are trying to build.

And I am pretty sure now that to build a certain way of life, we need to surround ourselves with like-minded people who can support us. Not obstacles of any kind. I think that is the reason why a lot of persons are not able to sustain for long periods in our office or at home. We are nurturing freedom, responsibility, answerability, leadership and maybe the ones who are leaving are not OK with it. So those who stay, want it and those who don’t, leave.

KISS technology (Keep it simple and stupid). This was a technology suggested by our thermodynamics professor when we were not able to get even one mark in an open book exam. He wrote this in bold on the blackboard (the guys were amused, the gals were flabbergasted in those times, I mean I am ancient by any standards), and he said that if we had kept it simple and just applied the first law of thermodynamics, all the complicated questions could have been solved. It made no sense to us then, but now, when I am stuck in seemingly impossible situations, it comes back to me with great clarity and I have an understanding of what he was trying to communicate.

Simple meals, simple clothes, simple lifestyle, what have you.

Keep it simple and stupid.

take care.