Aparna's blog

It has been a lonely day. I did all the tasks I was supposed to do. I went to the AAI office in the morning. This time round the reception guy had been pre-informed about my visit so there was no chaos. The NOC (No Objection certificate) officers could not give me a lot of time today and we just discussed the ‘context’ of the entire presentation for the approval of the building height required. After a few calculations based on the restrictions imposed by the location of the ASR at the Mumbai airport, it was clear to me that the height being requested was a difficult possibility and I was of the opinion that maybe making the presentation was not such a good idea at all. We would not be able to change the restrictions or the guidelines. In all probability, all we could showcase was the accurate calculations, locations, the restrictions imposed by the guidelines and the possibilities. I was informed that getting the required height sanctioned was not in my domain anyway and that probably the client was in touch with the ‘powers to be’. That we were just very small fries in the entire picture. We just needed to do our job and get out. Theek hai. Face the ball as it comes. It is a live match we are playing. We will hopefully do a damn good job of the presentation and exit. Hamara itna hi role hai. The satisfaction of a job well done, with finesse and expertise and understanding, to the best of our ability. Nothing can beat that.

Doing a job well. A very difficult task. kaam kar lo. Kaise bhi. The quality and the texture required for the work is ignored by most. And this ‘ignorance of neglect’ , this seemingly small error in attitude and execution multiplies to huge losses in terms of time, money and safety. The office boy will clean the office but not properly, Amma will cook food but not with interest or hygiene, the GIS executive will digitize but will leave many dangling nodes and the resultant line will not be a smooth curve, The safety procedures to check an aircraft will be followed but not to the last detail and it is this, this ‘not doing a job well’ that leads to losses and disasters (big and small). If we could just do the job assigned to us well (regardless of whether we love doing it or not), life could be better for all concerned. To baat hai yeh ‘finesse’ ki. The grace, the quality, the attitude of doing a good job is not easily available. Hopefully, we can integrate it in GC from top to bottom.

Appu is experiencing the same lack of commitment from her team members in the dance. The entire attitude is ‘kar lete hain’. Whether it turns out to be ‘outstanding’, ’synchronized’ or ‘out of this world’, is not on the agenda. Just do it, however. And Appus’ stand is, ‘ then what’s the point in doing it at all’? We are both hoping ‘ki kuch miracle ho jayega’ and all the girls will get inspired to do a fabulous job as a team.

And I have also been thinking that all the mundane jobs can be done with people. But the ‘greatness’ associated with any work comes from ‘aloneness’. Great work, great achivements, great pieces of art are almost always created in solitude, in aloneness.

The banks, the bills, the salaries and the need to close a project remain the same. ’status quo’. For today there is petrol in the car, the office functioned, the ‘atta’ was ordered for the house and we even have electricity (in the house and office). Great.

‘The greatness of aloneness’.

Stay there.

I reached AAI office well before time today. I even missed my walk (which is very important for me, not for the physical exercise but for the connection with the trees). The person at the reception was rude and uncouth and I did lose my cool for a while. The word ‘reception’ comes from the same family as ‘receive’ and receiving should be warm and welcome. But it has been my experience that the person/s manning the reception booths are mostly rude. I guess the only control they have is over people entering the office premises and the only way to feel powerful therefore, is to make the visitors feel as helpless as possible. To feel good by making others feel bad.

Thereafter the teaching class went well. I understood the positioning of the instruments on the runway and the guidelines for the restrictions on building heights to ensure that their functioning was not disturbed. Even with two cups of coffee, it was a long class (kab tak padna padega). But my ‘fundas’ (short form for fundamentals from our IIT lingo)are clear now and hopefully, we should be able to transform the restrictions on a digital map. The obstacle surfaces are still not very clear (some of them are, some aren’t) and I will need to go tommorrow also for one more lecture ( phir se?). After a few guidelines were discussed and some calculations done, it appeared that the maximum permissible height could only be 175 m whereas the appeal is for 402 m. So I asked the officials for a solution. And they shot back, Madam, aap log to (meaning the powerful and rich real estate clan, surely not me) kuch bhi kara sakte hain. Aap airport he shift kara dijiye. Phir jitni marzi unchi building banaiye. Airport nahin to radar hi shift kara dijiye. I am sure it was said sarcastically but it also reflected the power the real estate guys have on the political and economic landscape of our company.

I have been whining to Appu about how I have not been able to do any real work over the last few days. Exasperated, she finally shortlisted four things for me to finish today and she put it down on a white board in my room. The list included the meeting at AAI, sending 5 mails to potential clients (one of them has already bounced back), asking for a pending payment and discussion with Narendra on the presentation. And the deal was that in case I managed to finish these four jobs, I was not supposed to crib about not doing any work. OK, so I got the four jobs done. Cool. No whining today.

The ‘bank’ called. The red alert is beeping very fast now. We have to clear the TOD (by hook or by crook). The question is ‘how’.

Yeh CEO ka kya chakkar hai. Actually it should be ‘Chief Executive Peon’ or ‘Always available executive (AAE)’ or ‘ Blame us for everything (BUFE)’, actually that is a nice punchline for a T-shirt for CEO’s- Blame us for anything and everything that goes wrong. We have no control (we are just supposed to be in control) over anything. Just like the man appears to be in control in the house but it is the woman who wields the power (from the kitchen from where the food originates). Like me and Appu appear to be the bosses in the house whereas it is Amma (our long time maid) who has real control over everything( including every cup of tea that leaves the kitchen.)

Actually I was never comfortable with titles. When I founded the last company, I had travelled to Pune (on a shoestring budget and therefore had to stay in a very small and dingy hotel) to sign an agreemnt with a Pune based firm. On the last day of the trip when the agreement was being signed( and I was wondering how I would reach the airport on time as I had finished all my money and walking would have ensured that I missed my flight and be stranded with no money and no ticket to travel back), Prof. Krishnayya (the head of the Pune firm) asked me what title I would like to use. I was lost for words as I could think of no heavyweight title for myself. And he said how about ‘Chief officer’? And I said OK. I was never comfortable with heavy titles like ‘MD’ or ‘Director’.So that is how the journey of titles began for me

And now from ‘Chief officer’, it has evolved to ‘Chief Executive Officer’. But the job remains the same. It is mostly that of a sophisticated available peon,manager, executive,punching bag, all rolled into one.

And what a journey it has been.

From CO to CEO.

The meeting with the AAI guys has been re-scheduled for tommorrow morning. There was a shifting of programs and it was difficult for me to reach their office at the given time. The list of queries (which is endless) is ready with me ( at least what is not clear, is clear to me).

Dimpy is still working on the Kolkata map and Narendra is working on the presentation. Shivaji checked out a few places for the office but they are all exhorbitantly high and beyond our budget. So it is just not clear as to where we would shift. The ‘when’ is very clear. Our lease gets over on September 30th, 2010.

Yesterday was Sunday and after dropping my daughter for her dance class, I went for a walk in the park. It is a site where a ‘Qila’ has been restored and there are these walls of the fort which have been augmented by rocks. It is a nice site and many times it has occured to me that it would be nice to climb those rocks and look at the view from there. Since there was time before I needed to pick up my daughter, I did climb the rocks and it was a beautiful view from the top. The lush green grass, the trees, everything looked draped in green and peace. What a change in perspective. Just by shifting of positions, the perspective is so different. I guess that is where the current generation has got its often used word ‘POV’ (point of view). And they keep saying that our POV is different. Of course it is. Their angle (way) of looking at things and events is different from ours. And that is how it should be, I guess. Humanity cannot, should not continue to make the same mistakes.

The hunt for an office boy has re-started. Ramesh just left in the afternoon to attend a family function and we are left to handle the basic office functions ( who will keep the keys to open the office, clean it, serve tea and lunch). The closing of the office has always been my domain so that is not a problem.
I am not sure if we will pick up the project from the infrastructure guys. The payment terms are pathetic and we have burned our fingers too many times. It is better to be without work than work in a lose-lose situation. Basically we are ‘unemployed’ for now. And ‘bankrupt’. Kya combination hai. Lethal.
My father called. And he desperately wants me to join my brother. He has always been on a different frequency mode. He has not understood the choices I have made. And the reasons. So what is there to be said. I have told him that ‘poverty’ is better than ‘pain or chaos’ and that ‘poverty of thought’ is a greater poverty than the ‘poverty of money or material things’ but I cannot get across to him. It is as if we talk two different languages.

Appu is busy practicing for her dance on the ‘Teachers’ Day’. So the entire drawing room has been re-arranged (which is not much since only one piece of furniture had to be shifted to make place) for the practice. I had a huge altercation with Amma in the morning. She is becoming increasingly dysfunctional and I have no idea how to deal with her. Or to run the house without her presence. This is one constant area of conflict.

The day is over. for now. It is always nice to drive back home. It is as of nothing more can be done. No more efforts can be put in to change the situation and I can literally let my hair down and listen to some music (that is in case the antenna works to catch the radiostations. It works quite intermittently).

Just get out of the way and let HP work.
Not to create a crisis and not to prevent one from happening. Huge.

‘To not do anything’.

More studying in the morning for the presentation at AAI. After a long time am studying 3-D surfaces,angles,slopes from an aviation point of view. Abhi bhi bahut kuch samajh mein nahin aaya. Have a meeting with the AAI guys on Monday. Will have to ask them to take an ‘extra class’ for me. The presentation is scheduled for the 15th. Hopefully, clarity will dawn by then.

It reminds me of a specific course in our second year of engineering. After about 23 lectures had been taken and a semester test was approaching, we (the entire class) decided that it was time to confess that we had not understood anything. Hence in the next class before the professor could put on his microphone on the collar, we raised our hands and four of us walked up to the podium where he stood and walked (now and then)to give his lectures and told him that we had not understood anything. That none of us had understood anything. He was flabbergasted and exasperated. He turned around and asked the entire class (of about 1000 as all the engineering streams were mixed in the first two years) and the answer was in the affirmative. He raised his hands in the air (seemingly to pull his hair) and walked up and down the podium restlessly. He also asked why the confession time could not have come earlier. In the end it was decided that extra classes would be taken in the night (and our only concern was of course the dinner, how could we miss dinner in the mess?). And so it was fixed that the classes would be conducted after the dinner timings of the mess were over and in case they were held earlier, the professor would arrange for the dinner(that was enough cause for a cheer).

For a long time, I tried getting my mothers’ love and attention. At any cost.For close to four decades. Didn’t work. I think I joined ‘M. Tech’ to look good’ for my parents. Batane mein achha lagta hai. Beti M.Tech kar rahi hai IIT Delhi se. Sounds respectable. I remained a topper throughout (B.Tech from IIT Kanpur was a different ballgame altogether. I could never top there) but left without submitting my thesis. I have been declared the craziest of cases by most.

The gas has been booked by my daughter by SMS. She is the technosavvy person in the house. The land line number is mostly never picked up by the agency guys. Amma has begun to cook lesser quantities of food ( after a lot of jhamela) and that implies lesser wastage of food and decreased shopping of rations in the house.

The Infrastructure client has indicated that the payment terms could be difficult. Meaning that it would be ‘back to back’. As and when their client pays, they will pay us. That could mean five to six months. That would be a very difficult call to take. A running payment to maintain our working capital is extremely important for us. Toh dekhna padega.

There was yesterday. There is today. And there will be a tommorrow. I guess.

The past, present and future. All mixed up for me at the moment.

And yesterday was a hectic day. Two meetings scheduled in different parts of the city. With the roads and the traffic jam (and the constant honking), it was a nightmare. The first meeting was with a client dealing with infrastructure and the second was with the real estate guys. There is history associated with the infrstructure client. I had met one of their core manager a year back and then also there was a project under discussion. I was told that ‘wining and dining’ was an integral part of ‘business development’. Hence I had invited this key person to a five star hotel (imagine!) and treated him to a couple of drinks. Of course it was a huge cost (for us that is) and despite the ‘invite’ and the ‘technology’, we did not close the project. And that was the last experiment I did in inviting ‘decision makers’ or people close to ‘decision makers’ for drinks. It was a damn expensive experiment. But it was not as futile as I thought it to be ( as the current events depict).

Anyway the long and short of it is that there is another project and the same person has contacted us for participating. We have entered very late in the bidding process (better late than never) and it was suggested that we meet the MD with our battery of experts (Irrigation and survey) at a short notice of a few hours. And with the methodology. And with the pricing. So I was scanning the database in my mind and I could zoom in on the survey expert very fast. But the Irrigation expert was another ballgame. And which expert would be interested in attending a meeting at such a short notice and that too for a small company?
The scanner in my head worked overtime. And I called up a professor from IIT Delhi who handles GIS projects. And hoped that he would know someone in the Irrigation sector. Well it was late in the night when I called up his residence(his wife was quite irritated) but he said he would work something out by the morning. And Narendra worked on the methodology. SO bingo. It all came together. I could attend the meeting with the experts and the methodology in place. So it was done. We stand a good chance of winning. But here is the catch. ‘liasioning’ ka paisa chahiye and that too in advance. Bole to ‘ghoos’ ka arangement karna padega. ??

The next meeting had been arranged by the real estate guys with the chairman of the ‘Airport Authority of India’. I had asked for it as there were a lot of technical queries. The client’s plot lies in the outer horizontal surface and I was keen to know the guidelines AAI would use to freeze the maximum possible height. The slope of the obstacle surface, the distance from ARP and the key points. The meeting had been specifcally arranged for me but I could not reach on time. So the client met the chairman and collected the technical points. I then had to meet the client in their office (in Cannaught Place) and I could reach there only by 8:00pm due to the traffic. The information collected from the chairman was transferred to me along with another set of maps and drawings. So I have to start studying ( not again!).

Appu has been feeling low. She and her troupe are getting ready for a dance performance on ‘Teachers’ day’. She is mostly coping on her own while I am trying to close some work. She is also paying the price of keeping GC alive.
I had to make a choice between paying for the inetrnet or buying fruits or rations today. So I chose paying for the net ( I guess we always have choices). After all, being ‘connected’ is more important than being ‘alive’ these days.

It has been a day of ‘meetings’.

It has been raining incessantly in Delhi for the past few days. The drains are clogged, the roads are jammed and the clothes are wet. We have no idea of dealing with rains on a continuous basis. And our infrastructure is more geared to lack of water (from the Gods above) and etiquettes rather than the abundance of it.

Have a meeting scheduled today with the  ‘Airport Authority of India’. And a proposal needs to be sent. ‘Proposals’. There is always a high and a low associated with proposals. ‘High because it means a ‘possibility of work’. And ‘low’ because it is just a ‘possibility’ and it means ‘homework,’ research’,’ formatting’, ‘pricing’. So it might just be a long day today.

We were supposed to go to my brothers’ house yesterday around lunch time. It had been ‘officially’ declared that ‘we’ the ‘unofficially ousted’ had been ‘officially invited’.  It is a bit complicated. However, I was ‘called’ by the bank. The TOD has not been cleared as yet and I had to present my case before the RO (Regional Office) officials who were visiting the bank for an audit. So I had to rush there and I could come back only by evening. I made a feeble efffort to explain to the bankers how difficult it was to retain good people, how we were not aligned to do work in the government departments (and that is where most of the GIS work exists). Of course, these explanations were unnecessary and the bottomline was  ’clear the TOD’ and ‘regularize the account’ asap, else the account would be declared NPA. Red alert.

Appu took a small nap till then as she had been awake the entire night. So we managed to reach my brothers’ house only be evening. It was as expected, albeit a shade better than earlier times. I was told how mother had disapproved of the fact that I had been invited, how I should have been there in the afternoon when everyone was there, how I should have fought for my rights before taking a mutual divorce ( so that they did not have to experience even the slightest pang of guilt) coupled with some unwelcome comments on Appu. Anyway, I tied the Rakhi, got some shopping vouchers as a gift (they are supposed to change my life for at least a delta amount of time, that is what shopping can achieve at most), had dinner and came back. Their house is like a five star hotel complete with heavy ornate furniture, decorations and chandeliers. To spend an hour or two is fine there but anything longer than that would feel claustrophobic. Appu said very philosphically that the only part of the house where she felt some ‘realness’ or ‘freedom’ was the toilet. Awesome. I guess my brother and his wife did their best. And we have to be happy with that.

Back to the TOD,bills,salaries,looking for work, proposals. The office lease is over. So that is another sword hanging above our heads.

‘Look to this day, for it is the day of days’.

We will be making that presentation for the real estate client. So that is great news (except for the fact that I will have to study yet again). Our sample data for the North east cities is being circulated and hopefully something will work out. A few enquiries for training have been trickling in. So far so good. The graph should go up now. PACT has given Narendra all the maps in place of giving the ones to be rectified. Amazing! And we are supposed to figure out from 500 maps, the 25 odd ones which need rectification. We have asked them to give us a list of maps which need editing so that we do not have to do the grill. PACT never ceases to surprise me.

The PC (the one which had conked off)  is also up and running. The mother board has been replaced and it is back to normal (Thank God for small mercies).

Meera Johri ( who is an  editor), where are you? She is the one who said that I should continue posting (even though I felt that most of what I wrote were ramblings and whining) apart from my daughter who actually monitors the blog and keeps re-inventing the design (looks). Thank you Appu for the management (of the blog) and also for finding some lemongrass for my tea.

Appu is down with high fever after a huge altercation we had last night(my apologies bebzer). I am hoping that the fever is not because of that. In case her fever continues to run high, I am not sure if we would be able to visit my brothers’ place tommorow for Rakhi. Like everything else, we will see. The business plan (ah yes, the plan) has to be worked upon. So much of inertia to sit down with it. OK. Maybe this coming wednesday will be a good day to begin to take it forward.

Veena has found better opportunities and today was her last working day in the office. We wish her all the best in all her future endeavours and career. She has been a good team member.

My father called and suggested that I should join my brother as he has recently opened a new office in Okhla (and not let mother know as she would raise hell). I told him that it could not be a Krishna-Sudama story and it was better to live with ‘not having’ than to live with ‘having with disrespect’.  I do not know if he will understand. I hope he does.

‘It is not possible to get bread from a hardware store’.

My father called today and acknowledged the fact that the family had ‘deserted’ me for the last ten years. That I had survived alone and that in his opinion, I was a ’success’ even though I had not made ’ extraordinary money’. It is a huge statement, a huge awareness. I am glad he said it, even though it cannot, will not change the past or the future. He has not committed to ’being there’ now. But he has stated that he ’knows’ the truth and wished  it was different. I doubt if my ‘mother’ or ‘brother’ or ’sister’ will ever reach that level of ‘awareness’. Or maybe it is because they are all tied to the same purse strings. They share the same source of money supply. So it is not possible to take a stand for me when the sources of money (my mother and brother) are against me. What if the supply were to be disconnected? 

I guess the same happens in any group/party (political or otherwise). It is not the common traditions that bind them but the ‘common source of money and power’. And then it is difficult to stand up for what one believes in. Whatever needs to be done to stay in power, whatever needs to be done to get the moolah in is the ‘right path’. Even it means duping the citizens who voted for you, taking bribes, granting favors, even killing. All is fair in love and war. And then when the mess is huge, it is too late to get out. There is no exit route.

Hopefully, I have not chosen such a path. Even when it seems as if there is no exit route as of now, (from the myriad problems we have created), I am sure a path will emerge, with time.

Shivaji has left for a short trip to Vaishno Devi. Hopefully the blessings he brings back will touch the office too. Dimpi and Narendra will begin work on the cartosat maps from monday. Kya nahin karna padta, and all for a ‘completion certificate’. Its like to get your degree, you have to give an exam after you have given the original exam. Kuch chakkar samajh nahin ata. Jahan mauka mile, manipulate karo, use karo.  

Appu has been put on anti-depressants by the psychiatrist today. And money was stolen from the house. There are three part time helps, so cannot blame any one of them. We use no locks anywhere within the house. We have been trying to operate on ‘faith’. But I guess human beings are very frail and ’survival’ is more important than the ‘ethics’ of an action. More than the loss of money, I guess it is the loss of faith in people which has always bothered me.

The system which conked off is still not Ok. The mother board needs to be changed. The UPS has stopped working long back. The plotter is still in the service center. The TOD is still to be cleared in the bank. And there is the pending salaries and bills. Deep breath. I guess we are the tortoises. mm by mm, chalte raho. Someday, somewhere the top of the mountain will be visible. I think that is why it is always said that the journey is more important than the ‘destination’.

I mean by the time one reaches the destination, one would have lost so much that the ‘winning’ would not be very different from ‘losing’. Maybe I am not making any sense. Most of the times I don’t make any sense anyway.

Everyone tells me, business aise hoga nahin. Duniya ke hisab se chalna padega. Maybe they are right. Maybe not. Going by the measurement of money generated, they are right but going by doing what one believes in, they are not. Dekh lete hain.  When there is nothing more to lose, there is no fear.

Many times I wish to go into a cocoon. Not interact with anyone. Not read the newspapers (the number of ads/lies irks me). Every line, every article is written to grab your attention somehow. When I used to conduct ‘Time Managment’ workshops on behalf of  the ‘Times Of India’ in schools, the kids would always ask me, why are mostly womens’ photographs printed on the first page of ‘Delhi Times’? And why are they mostly nude? or close to nude? I always felt cornered. I mean, here I was talking about ‘mission statements’ and the newspaper on whose behalf I was taking the workshop was printing stuff just to increase their circulation. Kya bol sakte ho? Just like a ‘pornography’ magazine in France has been able to takeover a leading national newspaper with a very good reputation for presenting the facts. Money has no ‘color’. Kahin se bhi aye, aane do. How can we blame the current generation for anything? The foundation has been laid by us.

Pain hai. But there are no painkillers for that kind of emotional pain. And I cannot drink. Anymore. I have finished my quota long back. It is strange that there are so many painkillers for all kinds of physical pain but nothing for the emotional pain that causes all the physical ailments.

‘Nigambodh ghat’ mein to jagah mil hi jayegi.

‘The final destination’. For each one of us. After all the drama and dance and music is over. Silence will prevail.

‘Dust thou art , and unto dust shalt thou return.’

The highlight of the day has been this huge lemon from Assam that Dimpi has gifted to me (it was meant for Narendra but he called in sick so I got the benefit).  Thanks Dimpi. I mean it is the first time that such a huge lemon has been presented to me as if it were a huge bouquet of flowers. And of course the sample of Shillong map that we were able to send to a potential client.

The second highlight is the stealing of money from the office by a ‘citibank agent’. He came for collection of the instalment and as Shivaji left him for a while to talk to me, he quietly opened the drawer and picked up the office cash lying there.  After the theft was discovered, Shivaji doubted Ramesh but on seeing the expression on Ramesh’s face, Shivaji backed off. Then the footage from the CCTV was re-played and there it was. The ‘citibank agent’ smoothly picking up the money. Cool and clean move. No second thoughts before picking up the money. Unbelievable.

Appu was up the whole night yesterday to study Maths. I wonder how she does it. She was supposed to attend the full school today but I got her back home at break time. Her paper was not brilliant and she was worried about the whining of the teachers. More than the real education, it is the teachers that students are worried about. So the driving force is not the quest for knowledge but the fear of their teachers.

I have been thinking that there should be something called an ‘emotional sabbatical’. Like we have breaks for ‘maternity’, ‘paternity’, ‘marriages’, ‘death’, we should have a break for ‘emotional instability’ or ‘ emotional inequilibrium’. I mean if one is not ‘feeling’ like working or studying, then there should be a valid break allowed. What is the point in forcing anyone to sit in the office or school when the willingness, the inspiration to work or create is not there. Basically, what I want to say is that I need a break. That is the long and short of it.

This, at a time when the office has to be changed and all that jazz about the bank and bills. When I had started the earlier company, I worked 24/7. Appu was not with me and I had chosen the night shift at an online education portal, e-gurucool.com. During the day I was in the office ( a small barsaati at the top floor) and during the night I was with e-gurucool. They had managed to get a huge funding from venture capitalists and hence the office was beautiful and in the night shift we were served dinner (highlight). The salary I got from there was diverted to the company I was trying to set up. And sometimes I would land up in the office (the barsaati) after midnight to work. The landlord would get very agitated as he had to open the main gate. But after a while he gave me a key and let me do my own thing. I guess he realized that I was a ‘mad’ person and there was no point in changing me.

Appu was not with me then although I sorely missed her. It was my decision to leave her with her father as I had no place to stay and my work was also very unstable. She has not forgiven me for that decision to date.

So, I think it would be OK to ‘not work’ for a while. ‘Justified’ hai. Truly, the mind can justify anything.

An ‘emotional sabbatical’. I need one right now.

Finally finished the price matrix and sent it to the client. Great acheivement. For today. At least something got done. for a change.

Imtiaz came to the office and we discussed the design aspects for a few maps. Narendra is back and the editing of a few maps will begin tommorrow. Tommorrow is always another day. To create another life maybe.

A lot of discomfort in my gut. A lot of noise. The distance between the gut and the nut (my brain) is huge. But the gut is usually right. And I am needing to have a stronger connection with my HP as of now. Sometimes clarity regarding a situation comes in a flash. Sometimes it appears in phases, in parts and it takes time before the entire picture is clear. And that waiting for clarity is sometimes excruciating. And when that clarity happens, a decision has to be taken, whatever the consequences. I think sometimes, even when clarity has dawned, we fake confusion, just so we do not have to take  a decision.

I have been trying to build a way of life. It is a little messed up at the moment. Has been for quite some time. Ok. One day at a time, one breath at a time. Appu has her last exam tommorrow and hopefully her ordeal will be over. At least for some time.

Dreading the visit to my brothers’ house on ‘rakshabandhan’. There is always this unknown fear in meeting family (and of course the bankers). The difference between right and wrong has become so thin. The choice between the white and the black, the good and the bad mostly does not exist.

To face each day, each situation as it comes.

‘To live life on lifes’ terms’.