I really wish my parents could have stood with me and believed in me. I guess that hole in the soul will always remain. It is as if me (and my daughter) do not exist for my family. Our honor, self respect, survival, life is our problem. My mother specially has never had a very high opinion of me and according to her I must have slept around to even reach so far. In fact she makes sure that none of the other family members support me in any which way. Have stopped trying to interpret the reasons for her hatred. I guess the gender bias begins at home and then travels outward. So much for the family support.
Today has been a particularly difficult day. The office rent has not gone. The salaries have not gone. And there seems to be no payment on its way. And to top it my ex-husband is being very resentful about having to shell out money for me and his daughter. So that has been the icing on the cake this morning. I guess I should have been self supporting by now but the huge bank installments and the slow government machinery and the fact that I lost out on some big projects have ensured that I am not being able to draw any salary from the company.
There seems to be a small mining project which we might close but the final decision will come in only on the 20th and that is really towards the end of the month. So keeping my fingers crossed.
Success, education and money are all mixed up for me. My brother who did not complete his graduation is a very successful man, in terms of the numbers and turnovers he is rolling out. Of course, my mother supported him tooth and nail in from the initial stages to now. And there are countless others who have not completed their formal education and are successful by the parameters of the world. In fact, I keep thinking that my daughter should just leave her formal education and jump into what she is passionate about. The education system is pathetic and she hates school anyway.
The good part is that ‘Amma’ is back from her village ( so the house is not unmanageable) and we have a new accountant and a new technical team member in the office. Hopefully, this team will stay long enough for us to complete some good work.
Really need a miracle here.
