The small payment due from GDA is in (sigh of relief). That means that the rent and electricity bill is taken care of. Waiting for the other larger payment to come in from Jaunpur ( That might take care of the huge bank instalment as well as the salaries for the administrative staff).
I guess there is a time for everything. And if we let events flow in alignment with nature, we really do not have to struggle too much. But that is the problem. ‘Control’ is the keyword. We want to control everything and everyone in our life. The more ‘control’ we can exercise, the more ‘powerful’ we appear to be. And ‘appearance’ is everything. The political leader controls the bureaucrats, the teachers control the students, the parents control their children and the spouses try to control each other.
But despite one’s best efforts to control, when events and happenings boomerang, it dawns that the effort to control the major shifts and turns of our life are so futile. I realized this when I lost everything that I was so scared to lose, my marriage, my daughter(of course she has come back to me now), my work, money, the roof over my head, reputation, and this despite all the ‘control’ I exercised. And when I had lost everything, I became ready to let go of my control and be ready to receive what was planned for me. It was only when I had nothing more to lose, that I lost my stubbornness to ‘do it my way’. It was only then that ‘faith’ touched me. I guess as a survival tool to begin with but later it became a foundation stone.
And I am back in that ‘control’ mode again. Kuch to karo. Do something. And I need to gently remind myself that things will fall in place, in their own time. My pushing and shoving will not really get that 1 crore in my bank or that sense of emotional security I need.
‘Patience’, ‘waiting’, what bullshit? where is the time?
But that unfortunately is the only way. To wait for events to manifest. And that also means to be ready to lose it all. To be fearless. If that is part of the process to build a better life.
And I need to remember this. Specially now. Get out of the ‘control’ mode.
I may lose the game but that will not make me a loser.
Just for today.
