As kids, we got the basics (roti,kapda,makan). No doubt about it. And a good formal education. Nevertheless, we did not get any emotional nurturing or any ‘real’ education.
I was daughter no. 2 and that in itself was a very unwanted scenario. And then, I was rebellious,different. So, I was always at loggerheads with my mother. My father was neither here nor there. He could never take a stand on any issue. Basically, he would agree that I had a point and then would promptly go back to saying that my mother was right and she wanted the best for me. So it was always a see saw. I never ‘felt’ I had a father figure in my life on whom I could depend and who would stand by me no matter what.
And later in life I realized that my mother wanted me to do a job, earn some money but beyond that she envisioned a purely traditional role for me with me obeying my husband, running the house efficiently ( I could never match up to her standards) and bringing up kids ( and definitely have a boy somehow). She would say that there was no gender bias in her mind but all her actions only reflected that. A lot of pujas were performed in our house so that my mother could be blessed with a baby boy and that is how my brother came in this world ( he is nine years younger to me). The gender bias was even more visible thereon.
So, when my marriage did not work out and I did not wish to do a conventional job, she was not willing to take a stand and put anything at stake. It was as if I was all alone in the choices I was making and that is how it has been for a very long time. The unsaid message was that if I could take up a regular job, be a normal married woman, she could deal with me and maybe gift me a few sarees now and then, maybe if she got very happy then even a piece of jewellery but nothing beyond that.
If I was looking at support to start my own work, emotionally or financially, it was unavailable.
If something was to be put at stake, she would back out. And also ask the other family members to stay away. So, over the years I have understood that She has been unwilling to participate in my mission to achieve my full potential. She was ok with me being her prototype but when I wanted to take more risk, to take on bigger challenges ( to step into a male dominated field), she was unavailable.
And that has taken its toll. On me. On my daughter.
I guess it is never easy to take a stand, more so for a daughter.
