Here and now

There are times when there is bankruptcy in all areas of one’s life, emotionally,spiritually and financially. That is what I am experiencing at the moment. I have nothing to offer to anyone, not even to myself. To sustain GC has been more than a 24*7 job. It has ensured that I have not been available for significant people in my life whom I love. My daughter being the first one on that list. Between bills, instalments and constant crisis situations, a lot has been lost.

There was a time when I had started my earlier company, Coordinates Solutions Pvt. Ltd., (from which I later resigned) when I had nothing. I had to leave my daughter with her father and grandparents as I did not have a place to live in Delhi. And there was no reason to really live. And a dead soul can face anything. I had to go to Mumbai on work and after the day was over, I stood on the beach past midnight. It was lonely with just me and the sound of waves. But the loneliness inside was so much greater than the loneliness outside. I stood there and as each wave came towards me, I silently said to myself that I could face it. However big it might be, I had nothing more to lose.

Have been having similar feelings since the past few days.

I used to love listening to classical music, specially Kishori Amonkar. Have not been able to do that for quite a while now. The car does not have a CD player and there is always work to do in the house and office.

The office rent is not yet gone. Appu needs to visit a psychologist. The CA is meeting the investors today. Hopefully HP (Higher Power) will step in and get us a good deal. Met Imitiaz in the office regarding the Atlas. He has always been there when needed. We worked as a team earlier. Hopefully, we can do the same now.

Radhika from my Alanon group called. she found me on facebook. she was keen to meet me as I have not been attending meetings for a long time now. she also introduced me to mothers’ pride, the school where she is working currently to enable me to work as a consultant for a while to conduct workshops for teachers.

 
And since then we have shared a bond. A new meeting has started and I am hoping that I can attend it today. Get some sanity back in my life. I also connected with Munesh (from my IIT Delhi days) and he is now posted in Delhi (a senior bureaucrat now). He always had a larger than life vision and of course he is now a member of a group promoting a boundaryless world. Hopefully, we will meet in the week to come.
His take was that I had put in enough hard work. Just needed to make money now. And of course the two are different things altogether!

July 15 was my recovery birthday. I remember I was invited to the French embassy for their annual celebration on July 14, 2001 and that was the last time I had wine. So I completed maybe 8 years away from alcohol although I must say that life is not any easier now. I mean get up at 6:00 am, pump chalao, then take a look at all the bills and organize food in the house. Not a very inspiring way to begin the day, I must say.

Being with human beings can be exhausting. I just need to go on a trek maybe and experience the silence, the strength, the stability and the magnificence of nature.