My father called today and acknowledged the fact that the family had ‘deserted’ me for the last ten years. That I had survived alone and that in his opinion, I was a ‘success’ even though I had not made ’ extraordinary money’. It is a huge statement, a huge awareness. I am glad he said it, even though it cannot, will not change the past or the future. He has not committed to ’being there’ now. But he has stated that he ’knows’ the truth and wished it was different. I doubt if my ‘mother’ or ‘brother’ or ‘sister’ will ever reach that level of ‘awareness’. Or maybe it is because they are all tied to the same purse strings. They share the same source of money supply. So it is not possible to take a stand for me when the sources of money (my mother and brother) are against me. What if the supply were to be disconnected?
I guess the same happens in any group/party (political or otherwise). It is not the common traditions that bind them but the ‘common source of money and power’. And then it is difficult to stand up for what one believes in. Whatever needs to be done to stay in power, whatever needs to be done to get the moolah in is the ‘right path’. Even it means duping the citizens who voted for you, taking bribes, granting favors, even killing. All is fair in love and war. And then when the mess is huge, it is too late to get out. There is no exit route.
Hopefully, I have not chosen such a path. Even when it seems as if there is no exit route as of now, (from the myriad problems we have created), I am sure a path will emerge, with time.
Shivaji has left for a short trip to Vaishno Devi. Hopefully the blessings he brings back will touch the office too. Dimpi and Narendra will begin work on the cartosat maps from monday. Kya nahin karna padta, and all for a ‘completion certificate’. Its like to get your degree, you have to give an exam after you have given the original exam. Kuch chakkar samajh nahin ata. Jahan mauka mile, manipulate karo, use karo.
Appu has been put on anti-depressants by the psychiatrist today. And money was stolen from the house. There are three part time helps, so cannot blame any one of them. We use no locks anywhere within the house. We have been trying to operate on ‘faith’. But I guess human beings are very frail and ‘survival’ is more important than the ‘ethics’ of an action. More than the loss of money, I guess it is the loss of faith in people which has always bothered me.
The system which conked off is still not Ok. The mother board needs to be changed. The UPS has stopped working long back. The plotter is still in the service center. The TOD is still to be cleared in the bank. And there is the pending salaries and bills. Deep breath. I guess we are the tortoises. mm by mm, chalte raho. Someday, somewhere the top of the mountain will be visible. I think that is why it is always said that the journey is more important than the ‘destination’.
I mean by the time one reaches the destination, one would have lost so much that the ‘winning’ would not be very different from ‘losing’. Maybe I am not making any sense. Most of the times I don’t make any sense anyway.
Everyone tells me, business aise hoga nahin. Duniya ke hisab se chalna padega. Maybe they are right. Maybe not. Going by the measurement of money generated, they are right but going by doing what one believes in, they are not. Dekh lete hain. When there is nothing more to lose, there is no fear.
Many times I wish to go into a cocoon. Not interact with anyone. Not read the newspapers (the number of ads/lies irks me). Every line, every article is written to grab your attention somehow. When I used to conduct ‘Time Managment’ workshops on behalf of the ‘Times Of India’ in schools, the kids would always ask me, why are mostly womens’ photographs printed on the first page of ‘Delhi Times’? And why are they mostly nude? or close to nude? I always felt cornered. I mean, here I was talking about ‘mission statements’ and the newspaper on whose behalf I was taking the workshop was printing stuff just to increase their circulation. Kya bol sakte ho? Just like a ‘pornography’ magazine in France has been able to takeover a leading national newspaper with a very good reputation for presenting the facts. Money has no ‘color’. Kahin se bhi aye, aane do. How can we blame the current generation for anything? The foundation has been laid by us.
Pain hai. But there are no painkillers for that kind of emotional pain. And I cannot drink. Anymore. I have finished my quota long back. It is strange that there are so many painkillers for all kinds of physical pain but nothing for the emotional pain that causes all the physical ailments.
‘Nigambodh ghat’ mein to jagah mil hi jayegi.
‘The final destination’. For each one of us. After all the drama and dance and music is over. Silence will prevail.
‘Dust thou art , and unto dust shalt thou return.’
