Have been working nights. Continuously. There is a certain tiredness. Of the mind, body and soul. Part of the package deal I guess. The good and the bad. The beautiful and the ugly.

Appu has wished me Mother’s Day in the most innovative manner. As I went to brush my teeth in the morning, there were these lovely colored alphabets strung together in a wave over the mirror wishing me ‘Happy Mother’s Day’.  And there was this little cartoon with her and me on the left side of the mirror. It felt beautiful. This is true wealth. Real abundance. To be loved and respected by your child. Thanks bebzer. You made my day.

There is work. Which is huge. I mean we are not begging. We are not even marketing our sevices anymore. Yet we can safely assume that we are employed, at least for some time now (!!).  Wow. I mean we are employed employed. Not unemployed employed. You know what I mean.

We are still looking. For good team players. Difficult to find winners.

We are OK. Better than before. Barring the bills to be paid, a court case, interviews, looking for a new office space( as our lease is running out), the rest is OK. My father visited me recently (of course behind my mothers’ back). He suggested that I should get less angry. That I should practice acceptance. Valid point. He has forgotten the umpteen times that he got violent with me, my sister and mother. And his emotional absence in our lives. He was always there but never really there. These are the paradoxes with which me and my sister have grown up. And so it not news that my sister was beaten up by her husband a few days ago. Not just a slap. Violence which continued for an hour or more. And the roots are in our violent and abusive childhoods. How could we ever become confident or successful or happy as adults? But which court can punish this kind of crime? This emotional crime is the genesis of all kinds of other crimes, the mother of all crimes so to say. But there is no acknowledgement of them. Family hai. sacrosanct hai. No one wants to talk about it. kids get molested. Girls get raped within the family. Chup raho. Don’t talk about it. Push it under the carpet. Appear like a good family. But somewhere, some generation has to bear the consequences, the high cost of being silent, of the unspoken, of the abuse.

I ma grateful to the Higher Power for our life today. Me and Appu. We have a roof. We have food to eat and clotes to wear. We have work to do which is challenging and that we are proud of doing. More importantly, there is no viloence, emotional or physical. What more can we ask for.

Thank you God.

When we fight to survive. Marna to hai hi bhaiyaa. Marne se kya darna hai. This is the only irrefutable absolute truth. Baki sab adhure sach hain. Incomplete truths.

We are being respected for the work we are doing. Amazing achievement. Unbelievable. A miracle beyond our wildest imagination. Travelled to Mumbai to meet a few potential clients and they were looking forward to the meeting to discuss their height related issues in various real estate projects. I could see respect in their eyes. That is all we have earned I guess.

Respect.

Have been looking for it you know. For a long time now. In the family. In the world outside. And within myself.

But a victory in the professional world does not necessarily mean a victory in the personal realm. My family cannot respect me. That will always be an unachievable target. An impossible mission so to say.

Need to vacate the office by August. We will have to move. Huge task. Any change is stressful. Even if it is for the good. Even if it is healthy. Ok. 24 hour slots. Will think about it later. For today, the phone is not ringing. There is water in the house. And we should be able to pay the rents of the office and the house.

Let us practice some gratitude. Roti, kapda, chhat. Aaj ke liye hai. There is work. And Appu is reasonably happy. That is enough reason to celebrate.

To live.

The rejection from one’s own family is hard to digest. I guess that is the curse I have to live with all my life. That has been the greatest challenge, the most debilitating handicap. To top it,  Appu and myself have also been fighting. I do not know the reasons. We are just not ok with each other. So it is very tough to focus on work at the moment. Have not been reading. have not been learning anything new. The entire energy is channelized into somehow running the office and the house and complete the bare minimum activities to keep the show running. Need God to step in here. Loads of unmanageability.

Everyone is running after money and sex. But we do not talk about it openly in our country. Why can’t we accept that we want the money. Huge amounts of it. We talk about the crimes we can see. But we do not talk about the unseen emotional crimes committed in silence in millions of families in the name of love and respect. A betrayal most heinous. Every time a child is abandoned or abused, every time an infant girl is killed or molested, every time a child is humiliated, every time there is violence in any home, a crime is committed. Hence the rapes, the scams are just the tip of the iceberg. The larger picture is below the surface. Education happens in the families, not in the schools. When will we understand that? When will the mothers stop treating their sons like demi-Gods with freedom and license to rape? Every rape, every scam is a wake up call for us. But we are so used to living in a dream world and so scared of the pain of facing the reality that we refuse to wake up. The deep rooted problems will not go away just because some of us make a lot of hue and cry and create noisy drama.

Dekh lo yaar. Open your eyes. For once see what is real and what is not. It might be painful but at least the wound will be opened for healing and the pain just might go away. Like this it will keep festering for generations and we will be building a society where money, might and sex will rule.

Just open your eyes.

For care and concern, for truth, honesty and good work. Keep looking. All your life.

Everything is for sale buddy. Emotions,feelings,tears, products, illusions,dreams,humans. You should just have the capacity to buy. Have the money to pay the bill.

I guess I am getting old. That is why I am whining so much. Of course you are getting old sweetheart. The more real you get, the more old you will feel. Dreams and illusions are for the young.  The closer you get to the earth’s surface, the more you begin to believe in the old rules and regulations, in the laws of the universe. in life and death. In the cycle of seasons.

The hardware in the office is OK. At least something is OK.  The PC’s and softwares are all operational. We are just looking for beautiful intelligent minds to operate them and be their master. A very tough job. Still looking for leaders. Which in this country is rare. We are so conditioned to being slaves. to ourselves, to others.

Appu has not been feeling alright. With all the stress around, we are bound to fight. It has been a difficult week for both of us.

Sab kuch kharab hai. Par baki sab theek hai. If you know what I mean.

Keep looking.

Keep searching. It is quite a job.

The search.

I am getting half a day off on Saturday. From the office. From calls.  Appu has decided to spend half a day in office. I must say I am looking forward to the relief. Saturday is the day of cleaning, HR and administration issues. Very hectic. Thodi si shanti nil jayegi. Hopefully. Shanti to Nigambodh ghat mein hi milegi.

Got an opportunity to present our work to the who is who in the Ministry of Civil Aviation. It was a smashing success and I felt very appreciated. It was also a miracle since  just two days ago my mother had termed me a failure as I have not been able to make a lot of money. So according to her it has been useless to educate me. I was at an all time low and was actually thinking of getting the presentation re-scheduled. At the last minute I decided to face it and go through with it regardless of the outcome. I am sure HP had a huge role to play in its success as I could not have done it alone. Hopefully, we will be able to do some good work for MOCA. Fingers crossed.

Delhi has become a very hostile city to live in. Maybe it is just not the city. It is the people. We are the same as in primitive times. Knowing english and getting a formal education has not ensured that we will not kill for property, honour, ego, money. We are still doing the same things. But in the garb of being civilized. Option kya hai? Jungle mein reh lo. zamin bhi sasti milegi. Build a house in the jungles. Maybe the land will not be so expensive and we will not need to pay the EMI’s for an entire lifetime. What bullshit. How can one live in a jungle? But we are living in a jungle sweetheart. An urban jungle with the same rules that are applicable in an actual jungle. What makes you think that we are living in a civilized city with a different set of rules and regulations? Women are still being objectified, being bought, being sold.Reality shows toh bahut dekh liye. Thodi si reality bhi dekh lo.

I truly cannot understand you buddy. Sala kaam dhandha dekhna hai ya duniya badalni hai. Just focus on your work . What is this about changing the world. Take a look at the file of unpaid bills. Dimag center main aa jayega. Ok. yes, I mean there is Vodafone, airtel, bijli, rent, salaries. Good. Aur bolo. Yahi reality hai. So you mean to say that the politicians do not have to pay the bills so they can sell all these lies, gather votes and basically indulge in talk of changing the world. Because they have not brought about any changes. They just talk and talk about it. Just leave it. Drop it. Just look at your life, your bills. Kyun bhai? No whys. Just keep your mouth shut and live. But. No but. No ifs. No whys. Just breathe.

Achha jhamela hai. Pay the bills. Pay the taxes.

And keep your mouth shut.

The truth can be very violent.

Below the surface.

The best part of Holi this year has been the gujiyas made by Appu. All by herself. With no help at all.  Well done bebzer. Very proud of you.

Appu has gone to be with her grandparents and father to celebrate Holi. After a long time. I sincerely hope that she has a good time. Living with me has made her life very stressful. On all fronts.

The constitution of the Appellate Committee has ensured a certain transparency and consistency in the height clearance projects at AAI. Very welcome indeed. The work front is getting better. Of course the volume of bills are also increasing. And their amount. So I guess it is a constant crazy race to match the two.

Rishtey? C’ommon, you should have grown up by now. Economics ki baat karen?Care and concern. Which product do you wish to sell bhaiya? Care and Concern toh advertisements mein hi dikhta hai.What madness. Money. And more money. Quite a chakravyuh. And we are so happy enmeshed in it. We do not even wish to get out before we die.

Team. Oh yes, the team. The winning team. Pehle team to bana lo. Winning to baad ki baat hai. Why the hell are you so sarcastic man? Koshish kar rahen hain. Dekh rahen hain aap. We are trying. For a long time buddy. It has been years. There again, The sarcasm. Yaar time lagta hai. ATM machine to nahin hai. Ki kaam dalo aur success nikalo. Everything takes time. At least the good things.

At some point we wish to be out of this madness. How? No idea.

But we do wish to get out. Before it is too late. before we get completely sucked in. Maybe it is already too late.

very scary thought. Too late for what?

For restoration of the soul,mind,body. Foe resurrection. For recovery.

The ‘R’.

A world where we are self proclaimed ‘Gods’. A world where the ‘God’ resides only in temples and has no business in the matters of running the world. There is utter chaos everwhere. No wonder. Man is trying to be the Boss everywhere. So to resolve the chaos, we are creating more chaos. Well done guys. We are doing great.

We do not need so many laws and so many people to ensure that the law is followed. We just need one law. That is to be ‘human’. How can we ensure that ‘humanity’ is practiced? In all situations? Under all circumstances? In poverty? In aloneness? When we are being watched and when we are not being watched? When there is money? Even when there is no money?

Which school, which college, which institution can teach us to be human beings? And if we could just be human, all the other laws could be scrapped to set free a battery of lawyers, advocates, policemen who are not doing their jobs anymore because they have ceased to be human. They have become parts of a machinery which neeeds more and more oil in the form of money to run and is becoming monstrous and out of control. The machinery to force people to behave and become more human is itself a monster and we wish to run away from it.

Aur laws mat banao bhaiiya. Insaan bana sakte ho?

Can our politicians be more human?

Can the cops be more human?

Can the rest of humanity be more human? All over the world?

Just so much noise. Nothing in action,or deed,or thought.

Aur halla machao.

Kitna shor hai. Charon Taraf. Thoda chup ho jaate hai bhai. Thoda soch lete hain.  Pagalon ki jaise bhaagte ja rahen hain.

Just running. Just creating noise.

Shor ke pare bhi to kuch hai.There must be meaning beyond the noise we are creating.

‘ Shor se pare’

Appu also came very close to losing her sanity. This is the cost we have had to bear to keep the company afloat, to keep walking the walk. Desperately looking for some normalcy. Of being normal, of experiencing a normal life.

Calculations over for the Trivandrum sites.  We are ready with the presentations. But the meeting of the Appellate Committee has been postponed. There has been a change ( how many times?) in the Joint Secretary of the Ministry and the new guy on the block will take time to settle down and understand the intricacies involved.

Time hi toh nahin hai. Where is the time? We are nearing the end of the month. And the end of the month implies bills. Please talk of something better. Aur kya baat ho sakti hai? I mean who else will pay the bills. It is not a Mills and Boon story you know. We are talking of real life and living here. The mobile, the car, the roof, the eletricity, everything has a cost. And non-payment means dis-connection of services and being on the roads. Grow up. How long can we keep talking of the mall, weather, movies, politics, philosophy. End of the day. The bills will catch up with us. That and the past. The past also has to be dwealt with. At some point.

I have become the masculine force in the house and office. Constantly looking for solutions. Am losing the ability to just hear withut doing anything. My mind starts racing the moment it encounters a problem. I guess that is what  gender transformation is about. So I am becoming a man in a woman’s body. That would be terrible. Need to stop this process.

My father has asked me not to send messages on the mobile as my mother reads them and he has to take the flak for being in touch with me despite contrary instructions. I asked him not to be in touch with me at all. Why should I camouflage my communications with a man who is supposed to be my father? Why? There are never any answers to why? Only to what and when.

Amma is ready to go to her village for a month as her daughter-in-law is expecting. And at some level, I am resentful. I cannot think of taking off for a day and here she is. She leaves whenever and comes back to pick up her life from where she left whenever. Why can’t I have that luxury. Again why? No answers sweetheart. There are no answers to why.

Stop rambling. Get on to your checklist for the jobs to be done today.

Check your checklist. To stay alive.

The checklist.

He picked up the phone and I said hello.

He said ‘wrong number’ and dis-connected.

I guess my mother must have been around. No one in my family is supposed to connect with me in any way at all.  I am, was and will remain a wrong number in their lives for ever. What greater poverty can there be?

The complaint against the vandalism in our office has not been registered. All the witnesses were intimidated into changing their statements by the cops. There is no case. The violence just happened. No one did it.

Women’s day. You bet.

The lectures, the beautiful words, the camouflage. Its the in-thing to talk about women’s protection. Just like having the latest iphone. It helps in looking good.

And that is where it stops.

The police is very wise. It caters to the politicians and is the mafia in uniform. The politicians are also very wise. They do not deny that the caste system exists. They use it to their advantage. They divide and rule. They define their vote banks and strategize. Of course they promote the religious and caste divide. That is how they win their seats. How cool is that? Any difference between them and the British?

If I could truly live for a day, what would I do, who would I be? I don’t know. Stopped living long ago.

Now it is just a game. Of survival, of numbers, of proving a point to everyone except oneself, of creating so much noise that our own voices are barely audible.

This is civilization for us.

Civilized.

Oh Really?

We have lost faith in the entire police system. The cops seem to be more dangerous in their uniforms than actual goondas. 

What happened in this office with us yesterday is a matter of shame for the entire country. The police was hand in gloves with the two boys (ex-employees) who have powerful connections in terms of money and position (their uncle is a commissioner apparently in the police department) and created violence in the office with legal permission so to say. The entire operation was staged to support the illegal elements for unlawful gains and control. The incident has created so much fear in the remaining employees that no one wishes to work in this office anymore.

All the employees walked out today because of the chaos and violence created by these two boys fresh out of college  who had blood in their eyes as  their services were terminated due to bad behaviour. And no action has been taken against them. In fact the manager (admin) who was beaten up by them has been forced by the police to change his statement so as to protect the two culprits. The  manager changed his statement by 180 degrees after being intimidated by the police. 

What a country? What a shame? And these are the uniformed men? men? You think so? 

Is that being an officer? 

There was another incident where I was beaten up by the goons of the local MLA of Okhla Phase-I and  no action was taken on my complaint by the SHO  of Okhla Phase-I Thana. Aam baat hai. The goons bet me up and left. Simple hai. After all the MLA is behind them. I am sorry my parents got me educated. Education does not help in this country. Goondagardi does. Its good to be a goonda. And a man in this country. All this talk about women protection. All humbug. All for political gain. For votes.

 Jungle Raaj. Just camouflaged in the garb of civilization. Very scary.

Is anyone listening?

 Jai Hind.