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Tag: absence

‘The last call’

My father visited us last evening. Me and Appu were happy to see him. It had been a long time. Just that he mentioned that my brothers’ turnover had crossed 8 crores and that my sister was receiving rent from her two houses apart from a very good salary from the government job that she holds. All in all, meaning that compared to them we were like BPL, below poverty line. Theek hai. Its OK. We are alive. We have survived. Should be enough for us.

Later in the night he shared how he was afraid to visit us. Afraid that we might reject him. It is sad. A father scared of visiting his daughter. What is there to say? I did not know I was so scary. Maybe I have grown some horns or a few thorns here and there.

I do not know how long is the walk,
I do not know whether there is any miracle waiting for us at the end,
Or if the end just lies in Nigambodh Ghat,
I do not know whether we are in the right direction,
or whether there is such a thing as right or wrong, light and darkness, truth and lies.

We walk because that is all we can do,
We show up for life every day, every moment because the rest is not in our ambit,
We do the best we can each day,
knowing that our absence will not cause any major upheaval in the universe,
That we are only a very miniscule part of the larger whole,
And hoping that we can contribute in some small way,
to create meaning for at least one life.

Before the final departure.

‘The last call’.


Only silence

The payment gateway for the online shop continues to be an enigma.We are still trying to figure out the compatibility issues for integration. And of course there is a huge cost attached to it. There are no free lunches anyway. The team is settling down to the absence of Bhagat. Narendra Rana has taken over the reins for the maps to be produced for the online shop. The software development has taken a backseat as of now although we are making a thematic map of permissible heights in Mumbai by integrating the guidelines on a GIS platform.

So far so good. The banks are not breathing down our backs. As of now. Thank God for that. After a very long time we are bidding again for work in a government body. So help us God. Working with a government body is like working with papers. We would need to exist on papers and the work needs to be done on papers. Whether it actually gets done on the ground is immaterial. The proof should exist on papers. This is tougher than actually working. The balance sheet for 2010-2011 is yet to be finalized and that is a major cause for concern. Murari, who joined us recently as an accountant has a herculean task on his hands.

Appu is happy about the upcoming dance performances. And the weekend trip she has planned for me. I am grateful to her. For a lot of things apart from choosing to live with me, with my crazy behaviour and even crazier routines.

When ‘living’ is bound by so may rules,regulations,I cards, bills, looking good, then where is the ‘life’? There is ‘living’ but there is no ‘life’. Sometimes there is ‘dying’ but there is no ‘death’.

Rations,bills,seminars,accounts,balance sheet, returns,tenders.vegetables,atta, sounds cool.
Real change needs real effort. And reality comes with its own cost. And when we become real, there are no words.

Only silence.


Just a thought

Sometimes action follows awareness and sometimes awareness follows after the action has been taken. Action and inaction, availability and absence, functional and dysfunctional, Its all mixed up.

We spend so much time, money and energy in looking good. Wonder if all that went in actually feeling good or doing good, what would that translate to?

Feeling overwhelmed right now. Too many tasks. Appu is angry as I shouted at her day before night. Lot of work pending in the Hyderabad project. We did a good job for one of our clients in Mumbai. So far so good.
We will need to shut down by the 25th of this month for shifting. Trying to wrap up as much as we can.

There are defined spaces for eating, sleeping,living,working. I think it would be nice if there were also spaces for ‘grieving’, ‘feeling’, ‘being’.

Just a thought.


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