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Tag: abuse

‘Questions’

The outside seems OK. We are performing everyday. The office is being cleaned. The projects are being executed with as much precision as possible. And yet the insides are all messed up. The abandonement issues are cropping up churning my insides and crippling me emotionally. Is there any assigned place and time for grieving one’s emotional losses? Dard ko mehsoos karne ke liye koi jagah ya waqt ho sakta hai? Jeevan ki raftaar itni tez ho gayee hai ki apne aap se milne ka bhi waqt nahin hai. My parents left me emotionally, physically and spiritually to fend for myself. I was not the daughter they wanted me to be. Appu’s father, my ex-husband left me as I was not the wife he wanted me to be. Because I could not tolerate the drinking and the constant financial crises that were a part of the effect of alcoholism in our house. My ex in-laws never bothered to find out whether I was alive or dead. And now Appu feels that I have not been the mother she would have liked me to be, as I have been so focussed on GC, work and being self supporting financially. So I guess I have lost personally on all fronts. That makes me a loser I guess.

That’s my truth. Ugly or beautiful. Take it or leave it. And that is why everything is so mixed up for me. Love, dis-respect, abuse, abandonment. All seem to be part of a package deal. Cannot seem to distinguish one from the other.

‘Elections’: The biggest business of our times. It is a shame, what our so called ‘leaders’ have stooped to? There are no leaders today. Leaders were people like ‘Bhagat Singh’ who were ready to lay down their lives for their beliefs, their values, for the re-structuring of the country. Abhi kahaan hain woh breed? It is no more. Culture, respect, ethics, all are slaughtered publicly to win the game. For what is it but a game? With loud music, drama, noise, jokers,villains. Real change happens silently. True leadership does not need trumpets to announce its leadership.

The malls, the cars, the money is increasing along with the poverty of the mind and soul. Soon the bankruptcy will be so great that in place of ID cards, we will be carrying our bank statements to prove our existence.

Where the hell are we going guys?

Is there no way to stop this juggernaut which is moving towrads self-destruction?

Or we have yet to hit our rock bottom?

Questions. And more questions.

At least let us keep questioning.

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you God.

 

Have been working nights. Continuously. There is a certain tiredness. Of the mind, body and soul. Part of the package deal I guess. The good and the bad. The beautiful and the ugly.

Appu has wished me Mother’s Day in the most innovative manner. As I went to brush my teeth in the morning, there were these lovely colored alphabets strung together in a wave over the mirror wishing me ‘Happy Mother’s Day’.  And there was this little cartoon with her and me on the left side of the mirror. It felt beautiful. This is true wealth. Real abundance. To be loved and respected by your child. Thanks bebzer. You made my day.

There is work. Which is huge. I mean we are not begging. We are not even marketing our sevices anymore. Yet we can safely assume that we are employed, at least for some time now (!!).  Wow. I mean we are employed employed. Not unemployed employed. You know what I mean.

We are still looking. For good team players. Difficult to find winners.

We are OK. Better than before. Barring the bills to be paid, a court case, interviews, looking for a new office space( as our lease is running out), the rest is OK. My father visited me recently (of course behind my mothers’ back). He suggested that I should get less angry. That I should practice acceptance. Valid point. He has forgotten the umpteen times that he got violent with me, my sister and mother. And his emotional absence in our lives. He was always there but never really there. These are the paradoxes with which me and my sister have grown up. And so it not news that my sister was beaten up by her husband a few days ago. Not just a slap. Violence which continued for an hour or more. And the roots are in our violent and abusive childhoods. How could we ever become confident or successful or happy as adults? But which court can punish this kind of crime? This emotional crime is the genesis of all kinds of other crimes, the mother of all crimes so to say. But there is no acknowledgement of them. Family hai. sacrosanct hai. No one wants to talk about it. kids get molested. Girls get raped within the family. Chup raho. Don’t talk about it. Push it under the carpet. Appear like a good family. But somewhere, some generation has to bear the consequences, the high cost of being silent, of the unspoken, of the abuse.

I ma grateful to the Higher Power for our life today. Me and Appu. We have a roof. We have food to eat and clotes to wear. We have work to do which is challenging and that we are proud of doing. More importantly, there is no viloence, emotional or physical. What more can we ask for.

Thank you God.

‘Keval Prashn’

Hooliganism. Goonism. An effort by incompetent people to prove their worth. To fight unlawfully for what is not theirs lawfully. And to descend into the bottomless pit of violence, abduction and abuse at the slightest hint of being exposed,at the mere thought of their unworthiness, emptiness and fakeness being known. This is the so called educated lot we are talking about. The uneducated wield their ignorance and poverty as a weapon to get what they want, when they want it.

Kya desh hai hamara? We cannot respect work. We can respect caste, poverty, worthlessness. But we cannot expect or respect excellence in ourselves or others. We believe in labor act, in donations, in subsidy, in reservations. But we cannot inspire people to become worthy enough to stand on their own two feet. To earn what they deserve and not demand for what has not been earned. Poverty cannot, should not be treated as a halo of divine light. And neither is it a curse. Its ok to be poor. we should support people in changing that state but not by making concessions or giving them what is not due. But by making them worthy to be able to earn. To be able to value self-respect. Tall order for our country. The politicians are but a reflection of our masses.

Needless to say it was a bad day at the office yesterday. Threats, abuses, a grand show of impotence by incompetent guards, terminated employees who could not sustain two days of working in our office and the office peon who got so scared that he just locked the office and ran away. These are the men of our country. These are the men who can produce kids but cannot stand up and fight for what is right. They can marry, have sex, flirt but do not have the backbone to stand up and protect themselves and others. Izzat jaye to jaye, jaan to bacha lo. Needless to say that I had to rush to the office, re-open it, file police complaints and go through the same drill. Time and again.

It is tiring to deal with spineless people. Incompetent people. Scared people.

And what would ‘success’  in such an ‘impotent’ society mean?

Questions. Only questions.

‘Keval Prashn’


All for ‘a back’

In all these decades of my life on earth, I have not been able to understand the right path, the correct path, the correct mission. I have tried. But trying is just that, trying. Succeeding is everything. Money,power,name,fame drives everything. Even ‘sex’ is secondary. And in all this chaos, I guess the biggest drawback is that of being a woman (of having a larger emotional part that is). So either you choose to be in the shadow of a man (any man) or if you go out there and try to stand on your own feet and God forbid, manage to ruffle the ego and/or the success path of any man, you could end up paying with your life. So the easier, softer option would be to play it meek. To be in the shadow. At least one’s life is safe.

And the woman who goes out there to stand on her own with dignity is left alone, even by her own family of origin. And the rest of the women and men in the so called social network, label her ambitious, of loose character and what have you. Amazing. Awesome. And of course the vulnerabilty to abuse increases. The woman who ventures to compete is more open to abuse than other women, be it sexual, emotional or financial.

A lot of work is pending in the house and office. Am just gearing up mentally to tackle the most important ones. Had to ask the maid to leave after she took uninformed leave. Drawing boundaries is always tough. There are always consequences to pay. But then there is no other way to live. Living withour self respect would be worse.

Having ‘a back’ is so important I guess. Sons always have it. Their fathers, the property of the family, the social importance, its all there. Its the women who lack ‘a back’. Specially if the men responsible to be ‘their back’ refuse, are unwilling or incapable of doing it. The real culprits in my opinion are the parents. If parents do not want a girl, they should go in for ‘female foeticide’. Kar lo yaar. At least another life will not be abused. Kill the origin. The damage is much greater when its too late in the day and the same life is gasping for support and dignity. We can save a ‘female foetus’ but can we ensure a ‘ safe life with dignity’? We always end up only looking at the tip of the iceberg. Hence all the problems remain. They not only remain, they multiply. So what is to be done. Make more laws, more courts, more judges, more chaos. With no change in ‘attitude’ or ‘thoughts’ or ‘beingness’. No wonder that nothing really changes.

Its one of those days. I am angry.

All for ‘a back’.


For all that is and all that is not

Have a meeting scheduled in Gurgaon today. There is always a lurking fear in face to face meetings with clients, specially the real estate guys. OK. Deep breath. suit up, boot up and show up. I could definitely hold the chair or the table in front of me and say the serenity prayer and get some strength.

We had to get an intercom installed in the office as everyone could hear the others’ conversation on parallel lines and it was getting impossible to talk to a specific person. Shikha, our HR manager is settling down and Ashok is still looking for better logistics for his long travel to and from the office.

The other day I was in the house when the daugther in law of our neighbour ran out of the house screaming and crying. She was asking for help and from her shouting it was evident that her mother-in-law had been beating her up. Everyone just looked on saying that it was the normal routine in that house. I, however called the cops and even gave a written complaint. But it was when the cops came that the woman backed out and said that she would sort it out in-house. That I should also not give a written complaint. It is just very sad. Actually when people who are supposed to love you and protect you, abuse you, it is a no win situation. There is nowhere to go. So one stays on hoping. always hoping. That it might just get better. But it never does. The abuse never gets better. It only gets worse with time. I know. I have lived through it. Its a vicious cycle. It has taken my entire life to be able to be in a safe place.

Shakuntala is not yet back from her ‘chutti’. So will need to send Lata from the house to cook lunch in the office. This lack of committment always bothers me. The rituals,functions everything before work. Then we should not complain about un-employment or lack of money. To win one needs a ‘winning team’ with a ‘winning attitude’. And the biggest challenge is to be able to create one. I don’t know if I am being able to do it either.

An attitude of winning.
An attitude of gratitude.

For all that is. And for all that is not.



Peace

I like the familiar sounds in the house. The whistle of the cooker, the pottering of the untensils,the filling of the water. It somehow symbolizes some stability, familiarity in an otherwise insecure world.

As an enterpreneur, I have no idea what stability or a steady income would mean. As a single mother living in a rented apartment, there is no saying when I would need to vacate the premises.

Regardless, we are in the process of building a clean, good life for myself and my daughter. clean from clutter, clean from abuse. A life based on self respect and dignity. A real life. where there is nothing fake. And what a price we are having to pay- emotional, financial,social.

I am getting old. No getting away from that. I guess I am a little tired too. It takes a lot of energy to deal with the fakeness around, the false ego of most men on a day to day basis, the pettiness, the hankering after money, possessions.

I would like to live a part of my life not dealing with this on a day to day basis.
Till then it is a number crunching game. The turnover, the loan, the proving that we can do a good job, the competing, the price cutting, the payments and all the unnecessary noise that comes along with creating a living.

Peace.



Looking good

Very important. In fact that is all that matters. The packaging.

The turnover of the company should look good ( number crunching exercise with some manipulations thrown in for greater effect). Sometimes it can backfire like in the case of Satyam guys. I guess they went overboard with the manipulation. The turnovers were all fake. But they were real for a number of years. The common man believed them. The banks believed them. They looked good you see.

Similarly, in our lives, we just fake everything, our feelings , emotions, relationships just to look good. ‘Feeling good’ is secondary. ‘Looking good’ is the ‘be all and end all’. Our family may be dysfunctional but its not OK to talk about it. There may be abuse of all kinds in the family but the message always is, push it under the carpet. If there is alcoholism or some other addiction in the family, don’t ever talk about it. In fact assume that it does not exist. Just ‘act’ normal.

How much damage this ‘looking good’ business causes.

But maybe ‘feeling good’ may mean letting secrets out, showing the real me, standing in the sunlight just as I am with all my faults and foibles and that would be scary man. Very scary. What if everyone rejected me?

So hiding is next best option. Act as if. Act as if evertything is OK. Act as if there is nothing wrong. And do this for a generation till it becomes a false reality for the next generation and the cycle of ‘acting good’, abuse, addiction continues over the next few generations till someone decides not to look good.

The choices we make are never easy. But I guess for me today ‘feeling good is definitely more important’.

Whatever the cost may be. Anyway, there is nothing more to lose.

‘All is quiet on the western front’



Things vs people

The new accountant did not turn up today. We were able to pay part salaries ( something is better than nothing!).  And we had to take the readings of two points near the airport and thankfully that got done. The sky was clear, the satellites signals reached the GPS and the job was done. Something got done without a hitch (!!).

Yesterday, me and my daughter witnessed the shit yet again. In fact it has become a normal routine for shit to hit us specially when she has an exam the next day. This has been a time tested theory for us. We should have been prepared. But then there are so many ‘should’s’ in one’s life.

Our driver ( a new one who has now left) parked the car in front of two other cars and with the hand brake (this after specific instructions were given to him about how and where not to park the car). So come midnight and the bell of our house rang. I had already prepared to go to bed and I asked my daughter to take the car keys and do the needful. After a few moments, I heard a lot of shouting and I went out and saw two men screaming wildly at her and using abusive words. She was trying to calm them down saying that she was coming to remove the car and that the matter could be resolved amicably but to no avail. When I realized that the men did not wish to see reason, we came inside and locked the house.

After a while, the bell rang again and the men had called the cops. And then it was all mayhem. They used the choicest of words, abuses and what have you. It was a bad night for both of us. And then it set me thinking. Why is it that we love things more than people? What is it about cars and mobiles and what have you? We are ready to fight, to hurt each other, to hit each other and for what?

Love for things is greater than love for human beings and their feelings. The more things one has, the more cars, houses, titles, the more powerful one thinks oneself to be. And since everything is attached to things, we clutch on to them like a leech. Hold on them with our life.

I guess, therefore ‘loss’ is  a great teacher, whether it is of material things or of relationships or of loved ones. Because ‘loss’ could be or should be converted to ‘letting go’.

Trying to ‘let go’.



The economics of abuse

abuse

It is a quiet morning and I am feeling in control of the little aspects of my life, the cup of tea I can have, the flowers I can admire, the amount of milk to be bought, the vegetables to be cooked, the only events in my life over which I do have some say. The rest is apparently, completely out of control.

I mean I am bloody 44 years of age and I do not even know if I have achieved anything so far except of course of bringing my daughter in this world and looking after her basic needs. I do not know if I have been present for her emotionally at all. Specially since I started this company. Anyway, she has been posting these lovely pictures in my blog and I am very grateful to her for her support.

My daughter shared with me yesterday how her friend was being abused by her father and yet she was in denial about it. The sharing reminded us both of the abuse we had suffered, me from my father in terms of physical abuse and she from her father in terms of emotional absence and unavailability. And we felt connected in that moment. Despite all the hardships and financial mayhem, we are not living with abuse today. I guess that is all we can claim.

And it occured to us that anyone in the position of power and money could abuse those dependent on him/her for their sustenance. It happens all the time in the outside world. But to experience it in the family from people who are supposed to love you and protect you can be devastating. I guess that is how women thought of earning, to protect themselves from this kind of abuse, to stop being completely vulnerable in their significant relationships. But apart from money, an emotional independence is also necessary to be self supporting and that is just not easy.

Unwritten commitments are like the 90% part of the iceberg which is always below the water. One cannot see it but that is the largest and most important part. The written commitment is like the 10% part of the iceberg which is above the surface.
So the unwritten commitments are always more important than the black and white ones.

At peace.



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