And so I wonder.

Bahut ho gaya. We will need to take away the freedom offered, the sense of ownership provided. Koi ownership nahin hai. If backstabbing is the forte of today’s generation, then let us be prepared for it. I was thinking that I have failed in creating leaders. But then technology can be taught. skills can be taught. But how can one teach values and ethics. Or integrity. These cannot be inculcated overnight. So how and where does one locate honesty and straightforwardness in a CV?

I managed to clean up a lot of files yesterday. Of course a lot of cleaning and managing is still required. The viruses in the form of people have left but the infection remains. It will take some time to disinfect the office and the minds of the remaining members. The server room is also being cleaned today. Stock taking of the pantry is in process and Om Prakash is checking out the files on the systems. We are gearing up for the next phase. Clearing up, cleaning up, growing up.

The silver trophies, the certificates, the food, money on time and on demand. Kuch pharak nahin padta. They want it all. I guess alll the team members want to be the captains of the ship without the responsibilities. I used to think that there was something wrong with us. But no, there is nothing wrong with us (except for the fact that I am a woman). We are just fine. Its the members who cannot cope with the unearned freedom, power and trust given to them on a platter.

Its becoming increasingly rare to find an honest man. An honest team.
Chirag lekar dhoodna padega. In fact, that is the biggest challenge for us today.

To build a good team.

Last years’ balance sheet is nearly complete with most of the suspense account cleared. That in itself is a huge achievement. Good work Anand and Suraj. And let us not forget the CA. Ah, the CA. The guy of guys. The account of accounts. The man of numbers, behind the show.

We are inching (crawling would be a better term) towards the finalization of the company who can (will) handle the integration of the payment gateway for PrithviPraroop for us. Fingers crossed. If all goes well, Kamakhya will definitely breathe a sigh of relief. Maybe even Dimpi. And Narendra. And myself. Let tommorrow come. Tommorrow will take care of itself.

I had taken medicine from a chemist (to save on time and money) for a mild (or so I thought) infection in my throat. before long, it became worse and I had to make a trip to the doctor and begin a proper course of antibiotics (damn expensive ones too). So much for my efforts to save time and money. Since any such effort is not possible in the daytime, I had to make the visit to the doctor past midnight with no sounds except the barking of the dogs in the streets.
Sometimes I wish everything was 24/7 because most of us in GC only get time in the night (and that too after midnight).

The copper pipe of the split AC in the conference room was cut and stolen from the roof. Hence, all the gas also leaked out. So it was another unbudgeted expenditure to get it working again. We are not being able to send mails and also not being able to trace the problem. That is another major cause for concern.

Baki sab wahi hai. Parking space is still an issue. Water remains an issue. And ‘work and money’ are like perennial issues. Excel sheets, bills,TDS, there are always payments to be made. Why is it that there are scarcely any payments to be collected. There are always so many to be paid at any given point in space and time.

The good vs the bad, the right vs the wrong, the ‘could be’ vs the ‘should be’ vs the ‘being’.

The black vs the white.

And in the end, just grey.

So far so good. The banks are not breathing down our backs. As of now. Thank God for that. After a very long time we are bidding again for work in a government body. So help us God. Working with a government body is like working with papers. We would need to exist on papers and the work needs to be done on papers. Whether it actually gets done on the ground is immaterial. The proof should exist on papers. This is tougher than actually working. The balance sheet for 2010-2011 is yet to be finalized and that is a major cause for concern. Murari, who joined us recently as an accountant has a herculean task on his hands.

Appu is happy about the upcoming dance performances. And the weekend trip she has planned for me. I am grateful to her. For a lot of things apart from choosing to live with me, with my crazy behaviour and even crazier routines.

When ‘living’ is bound by so may rules,regulations,I cards, bills, looking good, then where is the ‘life’? There is ‘living’ but there is no ‘life’. Sometimes there is ‘dying’ but there is no ‘death’.

Rations,bills,seminars,accounts,balance sheet, returns,tenders.vegetables,atta, sounds cool.
Real change needs real effort. And reality comes with its own cost. And when we become real, there are no words.

Only silence.

Running the house and the office is getting more and more difficult. House help is becoming increasingly expensive and arrogant. The maids for all their helplessness are quite aware that the functioning of the house or office depends on them and have no qualms in using this to their advantage as and when required. Ditto for the office. Thankfully, Ramesh has come in today to get the rations for the office. So at least that tension has been taken care of. The rains are causing havoc in the office. The water is entering from every window and door. It is going to be very expensive to get a false roof welded to all the doors and windows and we are hoping that the landlord will get it done (a high hope we must say).

My thoughts are running in all the directions at a crazy speed. Appu is going through some emotional turmoil. I am not able to reach her or connect with her. I am sure the stress of living on her own (since I am mostly in the office) and being alone all the time has taken its toll on her. Her admission has been done but the classes are yet to begin.

Honor, money, self-respect, knowledge are all mixed up for me. The team is motivated but we are dealing with years of conditioning here. It is difficult to get the best out of them. The work is done but not in the best possible manner and that is a sure sign of being a loser. To do a job just for the sake of doing it. Its being neither here, nor there. And then we turn around and blame anything and anyone for our ‘not being a success’ in the outside world. It is exhausting to get each one to give their best.

Our balance sheet is healthy this time. ‘Healthy’, you must be joking right? I mean we were barely surviving a few months ago. Actually, we were on the verge of extinction when the miracle happened. so our genre of species has been saved for now. And we have a better looking balance sheet (just like gettng good marks) and the world (and the bankers) will allow us to live in peace. Thank God!

I need to be with the trees for a while. This whole ‘chakkar’ of bills, money, balance sheets, manipulation is emotionally very exhausting. It devalues human spirit like nothing else. And yet, there is no running away from this. What would a ‘normal’ life mean? What is normally ‘normal’? Or is there any difference between the ‘abnormal’ and the ‘normal’ anymore?

‘Aaj ki ‘dhyadi’ (daily wages) ki baat socho bhaiya. The rest is all ‘intellectual garbage’.
That is all that matters.

‘Aaj ki Dhyadi’.

Finally the TDS certificates from NATMO have arrived although the balance payment is still pending. Rajeev is following up with them as my tolerance limits have long been crossed. Is it possible or realistic to wait for two years for any payment for a project which has been finished and delivered even before that? Well, it is a government body so that kind of sums it up. They are the ‘sarkar’. They are autonomous. They can do what they want. And everything they do is legal and everything that a private sector does is illegal.

The CA is finalizing the balance sheet for the current financial year. Hopefully, it will be a better picture than last year. Ankit and Bhagat are busy in getting all the components of the online shop ready so as to be able to launch it by August 8 this year. Similarly, Ashok is trying to have his first module ready, again by August 8. Dimpi and Narendra are in the process of wrapping up the report for the site in Chennai.

Theek hi hai. Everything is fine,on the surface. Bas bheja thoda fried hai (What’s new!). I have a lot of people to thank who stood by me when my own family did not. It is because of all of them and HP that I am being able to live a life of dignity for myself and my daughter today. And that has been a huge milestone. To be self-supporting. At last, I can say that I am employed (am taking home a salary now).

I would like to travel, to read, to live, to just be. This whole chakkar of ‘dal,roti,chat’ has been very draining. And restraining.

To live and let live is so difficult. To not become a monster in the midst of monsters, is even more difficult.
Is anything easy? Just breathe. That should not take any effort.

Just breathing.

In the office, I have no work. I mean the laptop is gone and along with it all my data. So I am handicapped. There is no budget as of now for a new laptop and even if there were, it would be of little help as the data is what I need. The cops have not been able to trace anyone despite the CCTV footage. Strange.

For the Jaipur project a number of large printouts are needed and we are sorely missing our plotter which is at the service center. And it is ready except that we need to pay and the payment will follow the submission of the base maps for four towns. We are planning to get the printouts from Nehru Place, at least for the four towns in question and do the first submission on Monday.

The TDS and service tax issues are still pending. The balance sheet is more or less in shape. We have to submit it before the end of this month, before our limit in the bank lapses.
The office will have to be changed. There are no doubts about it anymore. It is now a question of time and money. We are planning to finish this project (on time hopefully) and save enough to shift to an IT park. Half of our energy goes in arranging power, water and security in this place. Not to forget the ‘lord’.

It has been peaceful today. I was very stressed out over the last three days and I tried getting some rest.
I am glad I could handle my daughter’s surgery singlehandedly. I mean there really was no choice but I guess I did OK.

De-stressing.

The Jaipur project is cruising along and we are just waiting for the satellite images to arrive to gain more momentum.There are a lot of survey activities in the entire project and we are talking to a very experienced person in the field of data and map collection to help us with the same. I think, Jaunpur, Barabanki and Ramky have just fallen off our plate and there is really nothing to be done.

Shivaji, our accountant is leaving for Lucknow tommorrow night to collect TDS certificates and collect some documents for the submission of an EOI. The balance sheet needs to be completed and submitted to the bank before the end of this month. By hook or by crook (thats the way it is said I hope).

Amma is taking a day off and I am looking forward to the peace. It will mean more work in the house but it will also mean more peace and that is more important as of now.My daughter is having her exams and she is very stressed. She also has to listen to my travails and tragedies at the end of the day, everyday( who said being a daughter was easy).

Miracles happen. Maybe I am just not being able to see them.

The turnover of the company should look good ( number crunching exercise with some manipulations thrown in for greater effect). Sometimes it can backfire like in the case of Satyam guys. I guess they went overboard with the manipulation. The turnovers were all fake. But they were real for a number of years. The common man believed them. The banks believed them. They looked good you see.

Similarly, in our lives, we just fake everything, our feelings , emotions, relationships just to look good. ‘Feeling good’ is secondary. ‘Looking good’ is the ‘be all and end all’. Our family may be dysfunctional but its not OK to talk about it. There may be abuse of all kinds in the family but the message always is, push it under the carpet. If there is alcoholism or some other addiction in the family, don’t ever talk about it. In fact assume that it does not exist. Just ‘act’ normal.

How much damage this ‘looking good’ business causes.

But maybe ‘feeling good’ may mean letting secrets out, showing the real me, standing in the sunlight just as I am with all my faults and foibles and that would be scary man. Very scary. What if everyone rejected me?

So hiding is next best option. Act as if. Act as if evertything is OK. Act as if there is nothing wrong. And do this for a generation till it becomes a false reality for the next generation and the cycle of ‘acting good’, abuse, addiction continues over the next few generations till someone decides not to look good.

The choices we make are never easy. But I guess for me today ‘feeling good is definitely more important’.

Whatever the cost may be. Anyway, there is nothing more to lose.

‘All is quiet on the western front’