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Tag: boundaries

‘This Earth’

It is quite a job. To be a woman. To be constantly aware of the fact that at any moment, anyone can trespass our boundaries. Emotional or Physical. It is quite a scary thought and to constantly live with it can be very tiring and exhausting. Just behind the thin veneer of liberty, equality and freedom for women is this stark, brutal reality of being inferior to men. The moment we step out of the defined boundaries , there is hell to pay. In the family, in the society, in our professional lives and in the world at large. I guess that is why we are struggling with the bank so much. I am a woman and I have no land. There cannot be a worse combination. Add to it the lack of a ‘man’ behind me. pathetic. It is very difficult for the bankers to trust me with large amounts of money. Even though we have been paying the installments consistently. Even though our performance has been consistent, if not mind blowing or path breaking.

I do not know what the Higher Power has in mind for me. The HP’s intentions are not very clear to me as of now. To give in or to stand up. I was recently able to attend an NA meeting and a member shared how his daughters had no toilet to go to. How they did not dare to venture out in the night for relieving themselves as they could be molested or raped in the fields. So they have to wait the entire night until dawn breaks for going to the fields.  One of his daughters is now living with us and I have no idea how we could make her life better and if at all such a possibility exists. This is the development of our country if you may please. This is the reality behind the malls, the glitz and glamour of high technology gizmos. sachhai dekh lo yaar. Before it is too late. Maybe it already is too late.

We need to invest in the technology of ‘Photogrammetry’. So we are looking at the universe to open up sources for the funds and energy required. The stereo satellite images ordered for a specific project have not yet arrived. We are a unique country. Everything takes time. Even time takes time.

We continue to look for leaders. As I mentioned earlier, we are constantly in recruitment mode now. There is nothing much to say. There is fear. Constantly lurking behind as a backdrop in the mind and heart. Need large doses of faith here.

Choose between faith and money. Well?

I mean what about both. Or is there a guarantee that faith could lead to money and vice versa?

Just go to hell. But we are already in hell. I mean we are on this earth which is like hell.

‘This Earth’.

‘The normal normal’

Life has been very difficult in the past few days. It has been diffcult to breathe, let alone live, walk, talk. Write. It is as if we have been constantly under siege.

We have two professionals coming in from Afghanistan for advanced GIS training and we need to arrange for their boarding and lodging as well. This is freaking us out.I mean the bit about ‘boarding and lodging’. We are thinking along the lines of maintaining a small guesthouse on behalf of the company which could host people from outside the NCR region for a few days as and when required. Chandrakant is leaving for Mumbai this week for ground truthing and collection of GCP’s. We would like to wish him best of luck.

It is always diffciult to draw boundaries. To stand up for what we believe in regardless of what the others think. It is always easier to give in. To belong. To go with the crowd. I think this is why our life will always be difficult. On many fronts. For me and for Appu. The cops, the landlords, the un-deserving, the immature , the system will always try and crush our self-respect.
The bankers are also breathing down our backs. The instalment and the interest is being paid every month but now they need more transactions. Maybe we should sell a few grams of cocaine. That is the only way we can make money overnight and give them the transactions or the turnover or the money. Any which way. That is why so many scams happen and then we wonder what the hell is happening and why.

‘Normalcy’. Are you mad? What is normally normal?
Maybe the abnormal is normal. And the sane, more insane.

Still looking for ‘normal’. Keep looking buddy. It does not exist.

‘The normal normal’.

And so I wonder

Sometimes I wonder,
what is more important,
to be happy or to be rich,
to be able to cook a good meal or to have a good looking balance sheet,
or maybe both,
to look good or to feel good,
to be real or to fake it to make it,
to be quiet or hide behind the noise,
Sometimes I wonder,
what it would be like to experience honest, clean, transparent relationships with no agendas, no manipulations,
what it would be like to share knowledge and wealth regardless of the geographical and individual boundaries,
Sometimes I wonder,
how a woman would feel if she were not objectified as a sex object in a mans’ world,
would her brain work better, would she become more beautiful, more confident, more feminine, more natural, less scared
Sometimes I wonder,
because I have a daughter just like many of us,
and I am not sure what kind of world I have brought her in,
I am not even sure if I did the right thing,
I do not know how to protect her and let her grow at the same time,
Sometimes I wonder,
if education could provide her that protection? or property, or martial arts or a marriage?
I do not know,
I only know what I have been through and I would not wish my enemies to experience that,
And so I wonder,
And truly what else can I do,

And so I wonder.

Beginnings and Endings

A lot of energy is spent in just drawing boundaries with people. I guess that is why it is so stressful to be around people. Its easier to be alone. The physical boundaries are very clear. It is the emotional boundaries which are not in the visible realm and hence easier to cross all the time. I could not fathom the dysfunctionality of my own family, the hidden agendas for a very long time. Also, since it is covered on the surface with ‘love’, it is even more lethal. We will do anything for ‘love’ you see. So all the advertisments display this happy family scene, of course if you buy their house. Else you will not have a happy family. How ridiculous !

What is there to say?What is there to write? the truth is one. And it is absolute. We are looking for a state of happiness. A state of being in peace. A state of being connected to our source. Unfortunately this does not come with money or status or work. But we keep looking. Maybe, someday,somewhere, sometime.

Appu has her dance practice today. And I need to get the rations (the atta, dal, chawal). OK. Like it or not, let us just do it. JDI policy. Just do the next right thing. And keep doing it.
How boring. How monotonous.

The limit renewal in the bank is pending. We have to submit the papers in the next week or else our working capital will be reduced to zero. Some dollars need to be transferred to Adam and Paul for the online shop and the search for a web developer is also to be closed. Then there is the water proofing for the technical section in the office, the marketing of PHBAAS and the maps for the online shop. Where is the revenue guys? Show me the revenue. Quite like a mirage in the desert sands. OK, then where is the oasis?

I see new leaves sprouting in some of the plants and that gives me hope. Beginnings are inspiring.
Maybe endings are too. We just never look at them that way.

Beginnings and endings.

And the path connecting the two. Keep wondering which one is more important, the beginning, the ending or the path itself.

All for ‘a back’

In all these decades of my life on earth, I have not been able to understand the right path, the correct path, the correct mission. I have tried. But trying is just that, trying. Succeeding is everything. Money,power,name,fame drives everything. Even ‘sex’ is secondary. And in all this chaos, I guess the biggest drawback is that of being a woman (of having a larger emotional part that is). So either you choose to be in the shadow of a man (any man) or if you go out there and try to stand on your own feet and God forbid, manage to ruffle the ego and/or the success path of any man, you could end up paying with your life. So the easier, softer option would be to play it meek. To be in the shadow. At least one’s life is safe.

And the woman who goes out there to stand on her own with dignity is left alone, even by her own family of origin. And the rest of the women and men in the so called social network, label her ambitious, of loose character and what have you. Amazing. Awesome. And of course the vulnerabilty to abuse increases. The woman who ventures to compete is more open to abuse than other women, be it sexual, emotional or financial.

A lot of work is pending in the house and office. Am just gearing up mentally to tackle the most important ones. Had to ask the maid to leave after she took uninformed leave. Drawing boundaries is always tough. There are always consequences to pay. But then there is no other way to live. Living withour self respect would be worse.

Having ‘a back’ is so important I guess. Sons always have it. Their fathers, the property of the family, the social importance, its all there. Its the women who lack ‘a back’. Specially if the men responsible to be ‘their back’ refuse, are unwilling or incapable of doing it. The real culprits in my opinion are the parents. If parents do not want a girl, they should go in for ‘female foeticide’. Kar lo yaar. At least another life will not be abused. Kill the origin. The damage is much greater when its too late in the day and the same life is gasping for support and dignity. We can save a ‘female foetus’ but can we ensure a ‘ safe life with dignity’? We always end up only looking at the tip of the iceberg. Hence all the problems remain. They not only remain, they multiply. So what is to be done. Make more laws, more courts, more judges, more chaos. With no change in ‘attitude’ or ‘thoughts’ or ‘beingness’. No wonder that nothing really changes.

Its one of those days. I am angry.

All for ‘a back’.


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