Numerous calls and many interviews later, we are yet to zero in on a few good candidates. The freshers need a lot of training. The seniors have experience in working as slaves and in a controlled simulated environment with no creativity or imagination. It will take time for them to unlearn the ‘slavery’ and start with a fresh mind on a clean slate. Bahut panga hai.

We have asked our bankers to not pay PACT, Lucknow against the bank guarantee submitted by us as the project was completed and delivered by us a year ago. The work has been completed at a huge loss, the BG has expired and PACT has still not released a part of our final payment, even after the submission of all the deliverables. Talk about injustice. Talk about exploitation. Or better still, do not talk at all. Just survive.

There is fear. Fear has always been a large part of our lives. Fear of being on the roads. Fear of not being able to pay the rent or the bills. Fear of being broke. And many times, faith just flies out of the window. Let us just breathe. It is OK. It will be OK. We will be fine. Just fine.

Triggers, broken promises, broken dreams, brokenness in the family, the neglect, the abuse, the abandonment, the search for respect, for survival.

Technology, money, taxes.

All that is unimportant, becoming so important.

And all that is important, becoming so unimportant.

The important and the unimportant. The real and the unreal.

All mixed up.


 

The utensils, the filling of water, mopping the floors, cooking of dinner by Appu and me,

Appu rushing to college between calls for interviews from prospective candidates,

Me running to the office with undone tasks,loss of the team, bills,payments,clients,vegetables, unrepaired heater,curd in my head.

Trying to pray, to look for a modicum of faith to hang  on to, to look for something to look forward to.

If time could stop, if tears could flow, if the trust could return,

If only. Only if.

If life cannot be witnessed, be a witness to death. Be a witness to something.

Nothing, Nothingness.

Kuch pharak nahin padta,

Schemes, strategies, planning, aims, objectives. Can you hear the Gods laughing?

Jaane bhi do yaaron.

I have developed this irritating habit of checking my phone every now and then. I think this has also become a addiction. To check mails, missed calls. I am not the prime minister of this country. No one is trying to reach me desperately. I just need to remember that. And leave the phone alone.
Rahim called. Altaf called. All guys who were with us once. This is good. At least they are staying connected. So there is no resentment, no negative energy. Shiva came to meet me. So did Vikas. Again members who worked very closely in the set up of this new office space.

Was invited to attend a conference organized by CREDAI where all the ‘who is who’ of the ‘real estate developers’ fraternity were present. I felt completely out of place. I mean with their expensive branded tuxedos, mobiles, limousines, pens, shoes and what have you. There was this smell of luxury. There was this air of complete confidence of owning a part of this earth. Probably ‘women’ fell in a much lower category for them compared to their ‘piece of land’. So there was I. Like a ‘chuha’. So I heard the speech of the concerned ‘Urban Development Minister’ and quickly made a quiet exit. The minister of course made a people pleasing speech (needs the votes and the money to get them) with many developers fawning over him.

Chal raha hai. chal to raha hi hai. Daudega kab. Ask God.

Seems the shortest possible route to reach where we want.

Asking God.

The office was not opened till 10:00 am this morning. The guard had taken a half day leave and the keys were handed over to the housekeeping peon who works in the evening shift. He came to the office with the keys and did not know how to use them to open the glass door. Ajay, the manager (who should have managed) the crisis reached office only at 10: 15am. I was frantically making calls to the office after 9:00 am and nobody was picking up the phone. I had even called Ajay yesterday, i.e on a sunday to remind him that there could be a problem in the morning as the guard had taken off. I was assured that everything was under control. I was upset by the time Ajay reached office and I told him that with a senior profile like his, he should have taken more responsibility. That with a ‘manager’ on board, I could do without the tension of checking whether (and how) the office had been opened on time. bas ho gaya. The fragile male ego got punctured.

And then it was the worst possible show of all the male egos getting together to stage a walk out and quote, unquote ‘teach me a lesson’. At least, in this area, I have already learnt my lessons, guys. I can live alone, work alone and stand alone. It is OK. This is not the first time it has happened. They did not call me, inform me or say their goodbyes. The office became a picnic spot. They picked up their bags and left. Quite a manly thing to do, I must say. Just walk away. The ‘walk out guys’ have also enrolled Dimpi in their mission. She also refused to take my calls and most probably will not come back after her holiday. She was also not ‘woman’enough to talk to me. I am the ‘villain’ again. Bahut aadmiyon ke saath kaam kiya. Aadmi koi bhi nahin mila ( worked with a lot of men, did not find even one man amongst them). ek bhi nahin. Not even one with any balls.

The following have walked away unceremoniously from our office today : Anand Singh Rawat, Ajay Kumar Bhatia, Dimpi Nayak, Kamakhya Puri Kushwaha. Narendra Kumar Das had also left after reacting very badly on a trivial issue. I did not mention it earlier as I wanted a peaceful closure. I wish we could put them on a blacklist so that they do not cause harm to another company. But I guess that will have to wait. There are other more pressing and urgent issues to be handled here.

Ajay had worked earlier in an office automation office as an admin executive. I think the promotion to the level of a manager in an IT company was a heady cocktail of of ‘power and control’. jhel nahin paya. Same with Anand. Both were new entries to the IT sector. And could not deal with the freedom along with the responsibilities and of course ‘my gender’. I do not know about Kamakhya and Dimpi. maybe it was pre-planned. They were just waiting for the right moment (just after the salaries were dispersed). How opportunistic is that?

We have begun the process of taking interviews. Just that the training in the applications of aviation will have to be done again. The collective energy will have to be channelized again. par achha hai. A complete clean-up is good to build a better and stronger building. A complete virus scan so to say. No remnants of any virus strains. I think over the months there was this smugness in the technical team that they had learnt all that was required. That they were the best. And this ‘smugness’ was harming us. It was stopping us from learning and growing. So it is nice that we can start from a fresh and clean slate again with no skeletons in to bury. Sometimes relationships which are meant to end just end. And it is for the larger good of all concerned. Its just the way they are ended that makes it messy. And painful.

We will go forward. We will fight the remaining battle. As always. Even if the ‘we’ includes just ‘me and God’ as of now.

I do have one request for my HP. Give me the same brain, the same feelings, the same problems maybe but in case I need to re-visit the earth, please do not make me a ‘woman’.

Repeat:

‘Please do not make me a woman’.

Shikha is not being able to be a part of the team. She continues to think that she is different, that she is being unjustly treated and that no one recognizes her work. And her thoughts are creating her reality for her and affecting the environment in the office. Low self esteem is the deadliest and most silent killer. And there is no way to reach her as she has closed all the doors and windows of her heart and mind. Tough one. Maybe we are losing her. maybe we have already lost her. Maybe she has lost herself.

Chennai is moving. The site is smaller but the work is multiple times that of a larger site it just remind us that the ‘smallness’ of things can never define the ‘largeness of their being’. That size can be very deceptive whether it is that of ‘achievement,possessions,character or life’.
Paul is unavailable as of now so the online shop is in limbo. We are cartographing maps which need to be floated but the actual launch of the shop is stalled for the time being. Fingers crossed.
No more leakage in the pantry. The toilets are working. The UPS is working. And the punching machine is working. Unbelievable. We also have a metal detector now to scan bags for a pendrive and/or CD. So the guard is entertained (its just to keep him busy).

The lease of the house is over and I am hoping that it can be renewed, at a higher rent of course so that we do not have to move. Hopefully there will be more clarity by the end of next week else it is pack up time again. I think it would be best to live in a tent and move that to another location as and when required. I mean most of us slog through our lives to just buy land for a house or a house itself and that money could be used for travelling and other more meaningful pursuits in life. OK. That is wishful thinking. The lease and the house. get the focus back.

Need to do some homework for the college admissions for Appu. Maybe today. There is always a fear of the unknown. The ‘known’, even when uncomfortable is familar territory. It is very difficult to move from the realm of the ‘known’ to that of the ‘unknown’ whether it is work,relationships,career or life.

To stop moving. To just be. Wherever one is.
To get the bearings right. To check the direction of movement.

To pause and to reflect.

To top it, yesterday was also very challenging in the office. Rajeev, our accountant wanted to quit because of my late night calls to him regarding work. He felt it was a 24/7 job and he could do without it. I also got to know that Shikha, our HR manager had come in late in the morning to be able to appear for an interview in some school. So it was clear that she was looking for a change while I was hoping that she would be able to support us in creating better bonding in the technical team. She wants a soft job with fixed timings. That is truly a joke for us. Our coordinates are not fixed, how can we fix the timings? I mean we have to change office after every three years, when the lease gets over. Rajneesh was packed off with three days salary by Shikha and the guy who provides us with security guards. All in all, quite a mess. A rock bottom so to say. decisions to be taken with no clarity on the consequences to be faced. I sat alone in the office for a long time with no answers. It was a task to close the office,pack up and drive home. One of the longest drives in a while. I could not sleep. Night broke into dawn. still no answers. I sat and prayed for clarity on the path to be taken. Some clarity emerged. The rest had to be faced as it came.

Rajneesh has re-joined on a trial basis. The security guy has decided to leave. Shikha has decided to quit since she could not envisage working with Rajneesh. Talks,meetings,discussions,closures,openings,sharing. Finally it is peaceful again in the office.

Peace.

What a difficult state to strive towards.

Money or no money, ‘peace’ is extremely important.

Anytime,anywhere.

The rest is all make-up. Illusions. Nothing real out there.

I dropped my mobile in the water, the blackberry if you may please (which was bought after many years of planning). So there is forced silence and it is actually quite nice. Apart from the worry that I may have busted it and therefore may not be able to use it again (nor buy another one), the break from calls is actually quite welcome.

There are a lot of pending bills with a lot of pending work. In the office and in the house. We are moving mm by mm, towards creating the online shop. Its a slow process. Everything that is worthwhile to achieve is a slow process. Patience is the name of the game. If it could be bought, a lot many more people would have it.

My father has not called in a long time. For many years, he was the one to inform me about any new tenders or opportunities for bidding. Maybe he is not well. maybe I should call and check. But its always ‘mother’ who takes the calls. And she left me long ago. Maybe both of them left me long ago, either emotionally or physically. Is it possible that love dies? Is it so simple?

I guess that is where I stand today.

If you win you lose, if you lose, you are a loser anyway.

Got a call from an Investment company suggesting that they could do ‘wealth management’ for us. I asked them ‘where is the wealth sweethearts’? We are just re-paying our loans and surviving. So there, we get our peace. No more calls. Its like if you have or are perceived to have money, people will try to connect,else they leave you pretty much alone. Ji lo kaise bhi. If you have no money and no property, you are like scum on the surface of the earth.

My father calls. Still behind the back of my mother. I do not know whether to feel happy or sad. Or not feel at all. That would be more peaceful. He is now doing this with Appu. I hate that. This secrecy being passed on to the next generation. When she calls and he cannot talk, he says I am in a meeting. What bullshit. Get a spine Dad.

Appu is giving her first board exam. Do well bebzer. But even if you don’t, I will still love you and I will still be there. We will find a way to live without good marks. Just as we found a way to live without money.
As long our spines are intact, everything is and will be fine.

Just fine.

We finished the Hyderabad project. Congratulations to the entire team of Global Coordinates. Well done. Despite the maistakes and hiccups, we have finally rectified,completed and prepared an awesome report with a detailed analysis. All is well that ends well.Cheers to everyone. I am sure Narendra would love a beer party except that we cannot arrange one for him as I have been sober for about ten years now and GC has an unwritten rule of not providing drinks in the office.

We had to buy a gas cylinder in black for the house. The ‘number one’ ka cylinder never came from the gas agency. And the gas ended while I was in office so Shiva had to rush the cylinder to the house from Okhla. Thanks Shiva. For the effort.
Kamakhya is off to Chennai for a site visit today. Best of luck to him. And Imtiaz is re-entering the company for providing a few training classes to students registered with us. He has always been a part of GC and we are very happy to welcome him back.

Appu has only one thing on her mind-the board exams.Its gruelling. The school wants a good name for itself. So the students are being pushed to study more. Whether real education happens or not, whether the child is ready to face the world emotionally or not, he/she should get a good percentage at any cost. After all ‘school ke naam’ ka kya hoga.

The facade,the fakeness,the looking good.

Bullshit (although I have truly no idea what that means)

As we are scaling up, there is stress within the team. The expectations from the team have increased and it is hard for them to match up to them. But as we grow, these pulls and strains are mandatory and hopefully they will only build our muscles and not tear us apart. Dimpi is leaving today and Shikha will need to handle the necessary rectifications,if at all, for the Rajasthan project. I am hoping that she will be able to handle the responsibility. We are nearly finished with the Hyderabad project and we have done QC many times over to avoid the probability of any error. We should be able to submit the report by the end of this week. Fingers crossed.

Appu is studying overnight for her exams. I wonder how she does it. I guess there is a lot of stress and I know that she is handling it alone. She knows that I am constantly worried and stressed about GC. I am very grateful to her that she handles so much on her own.

The gas cylinder has still not come in the house.The gas agency is as elusive as ever. And vegetables are needed in the office. And there are bills to be paid. of course. And instalments.And salaries.

I don’t feel like working today. Let us see. Will do what I can.

For today.