Another day. of work. Of life and living. Came back very late last night. Appu had a splitting headache and the novalgin strip was in my office bag as I also need them very frequently these days. So it was that she had to bear the pain till I came back from office since all the chemists in our area, close shop by 11:00pm. She slept soon after taking the medicine. It is sad that I am not able to be with her when she needs me most.
It has been a bad day at work also. The accounts are in disarray. The software development has stopped as Ashok has given up and in a way run away from the project. He did not have the courage to stand up and accept that it was too big a challenge for him. We chose a loser again. What is it about us that attracts losers to us? And we keep trying to transform the losers into winners. It takes a lot of energy, time and effort to align the team to become winners and even one loser amongst them causes us to lose. The constant churning, the constant removal of the unnecessary so that the necessary can remain is very draining.
The online shop continues to be a mess. Paul has written in to say that the pieces might be put together this week. That would be huge. The interface and other aspects of the shop have been in a state of IP (in process) for ages now.
Miraculously, my father came to meet me yesterday. It is quite strange. Just recently, I was thinking that he had not called me in a long time and lo behold, there he was. The universe responds to all our needs I guess. We just have to ask, believe and have faith.
Appu’s college begins in two days from now. I hope it is a better experience for her than school.
No project as of now. Living alone, growing-up, the bills, the rigmarole of daily living.
The questions without the answers. The answers without the questions.
To see without seeing, to observe without observing,
And to live without living.
We have been able to submit the CMYK films for the Hindi Atlas to NATMO, with a letter requesting them to at least acknowledge our company in the prints to be rolled out. At least we have asked for what is due to us. This itself is huge. We had to learn to ask for what is due to us. It was a difficult learning process. It is so much easier to just let things be. Its the easier softer path. Jo ho raha hai, hone do. By default. Letting life run ‘by default’ can be debilitating.
In our family, looking good was everything. The insides could be churning and you could be in a lot of emotional pain but as long as you looked good on the outside, everything was fine. So for a long time I believed that I could get away in life by just ‘looking good’. It was only when I fell flat on my face in every area of my life that I realized and accepted that ‘feeling good’ was so much more important. It was then that the focus shifted from the ‘outside’ to the ‘inside’.
We are off today. Man, it does feel good. A long weekend. Everyone is working long hours during the five working days to compensate for this ‘long weekend’. Willingly. Without any external force. Work is being done without the application of any external force. That’s like defyng Newtons’ second law of motion. But we can defy anything. GC is a rebel. Everyone in GC from top to bottom has no choice but to be a leader, be different, live alone,work alone.
The contractors working in the office did bother me in the morning (khopri ghum gai) for a while. But I came back to the equilibrium state very fast. Narendra has committed to giving a treat to all of us on Monday in lieu of the increment he has received (by the way it has been pending for too long guys) so I have been asked to keep my mood normal (meaning by default that I am mostly in a bad mood, what a compliment!)
Akshay called. He had worked me when I had started the last company (It sounds as if I started many companies and by that rate I should have been a business tycoon by now, what a joke that is) in a small room (duchatti). It was very hot in the summers as it was on the second floor and we had no money for an AC. And we had to give training to two professors of SPA (School of Planning and Architecture). So we hung ‘khus ka pardas’ and it was Akshays’ duty to sprinkle water on them every two hours to keep the room cool (making use of the evaporation effect). He says he can never forget that (also that he worked with me). He also reminded me that I had once thrown a glass at him (how pathetic?) I apologized to him but he said that, that is what he missed. He felt he was part of a family when I shouted at him. Thats a completely new perspective for me.
On my knees. This time with gratitude.
For all that has been given. For all that has not been given. And for all that has been taken away or lost.