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Tag: churning

‘Questions’

The outside seems OK. We are performing everyday. The office is being cleaned. The projects are being executed with as much precision as possible. And yet the insides are all messed up. The abandonement issues are cropping up churning my insides and crippling me emotionally. Is there any assigned place and time for grieving one’s emotional losses? Dard ko mehsoos karne ke liye koi jagah ya waqt ho sakta hai? Jeevan ki raftaar itni tez ho gayee hai ki apne aap se milne ka bhi waqt nahin hai. My parents left me emotionally, physically and spiritually to fend for myself. I was not the daughter they wanted me to be. Appu’s father, my ex-husband left me as I was not the wife he wanted me to be. Because I could not tolerate the drinking and the constant financial crises that were a part of the effect of alcoholism in our house. My ex in-laws never bothered to find out whether I was alive or dead. And now Appu feels that I have not been the mother she would have liked me to be, as I have been so focussed on GC, work and being self supporting financially. So I guess I have lost personally on all fronts. That makes me a loser I guess.

That’s my truth. Ugly or beautiful. Take it or leave it. And that is why everything is so mixed up for me. Love, dis-respect, abuse, abandonment. All seem to be part of a package deal. Cannot seem to distinguish one from the other.

‘Elections’: The biggest business of our times. It is a shame, what our so called ‘leaders’ have stooped to? There are no leaders today. Leaders were people like ‘Bhagat Singh’ who were ready to lay down their lives for their beliefs, their values, for the re-structuring of the country. Abhi kahaan hain woh breed? It is no more. Culture, respect, ethics, all are slaughtered publicly to win the game. For what is it but a game? With loud music, drama, noise, jokers,villains. Real change happens silently. True leadership does not need trumpets to announce its leadership.

The malls, the cars, the money is increasing along with the poverty of the mind and soul. Soon the bankruptcy will be so great that in place of ID cards, we will be carrying our bank statements to prove our existence.

Where the hell are we going guys?

Is there no way to stop this juggernaut which is moving towrads self-destruction?

Or we have yet to hit our rock bottom?

Questions. And more questions.

At least let us keep questioning.

 

 

 

 

 

A very good start

We are in the midst of some challenging projects. Thoda dar hai. I mean they are not conventional projects ( but when have we followed the conventional path in any area of our life?).  A lot of reading, discussions and brainstorming is required. We love it and that is what keeps us going. The fact that there are constantly new challenges and hidden threats at every nook and corner of the path.

There is money to pay the bills for this month. I mean that is great. Because the 7th of every month was a terror for so long. And all the bills (love letters) hold no fear for us anymore. That our lives are abundant today is a miracle beyond our wildest dreams. That we also have ‘respect’ is an added bonus. We actually worked only for earning ‘respect’ and somehow the ‘money’ came along with it. It has reinforced our belief that running after money is of no use at all. It comes to us when we are ready to receive it.

The office is running. The pantry is churning out three meals a day ( not to forget the midnight snacks) and is getting better at providing healthy meals for all ( from the peon to the manager, no discrimnation at all). There is water. There is work. Thank you God. Thank you very much. For everything. The admin is in place. The accounts is in place. The technical team is also strong. Amazing. Aewsome. We are truly blessed.

Appu has chosen to dance. Full time. Daytime. Nighttime. All the time. So be it. This is what comes naturally to her.This is who she is. A dancer. Just took me a lot of time to accept it in the ‘gut’. The ‘nut’ (brain’) accepted it but  takes time to travel from the nut to the gut. Wish you all the best Appu. Go follow your dream. Wherever it takes you.

I have been invited by ‘family’. Yes by my brother. It is strange as they have dis-owned me from the past so many years. My father has shared that my mother has willed the entire property in the name of my brother and that he wants to record my statement ‘ that I need no part of it and that I will never go to court to ask for my share’. Aisa bhi hota hai. How many laws can you make? If the men of the family do not wish to give the rightful due to their daughters/sisters, then all the laws are redundant and uselss.

We are working most nights. And attending calls/meetings most days. So we are all very tired. I guess that is the price we have to pay for earning an honest living, for wanting respect more than money. I hit a truck head-on in the early hours of the morning while returning from one such night out. The car got crushed and I have no idea how I got saved miraculously. Guess God has got some work planned for me on this planet Earth which is as yet unfinished. Thanks HP.

A lot is going on in the world outside. Politics, scams,dis-honesty,rapes. And it hurts. Yet, we have come to accept that we are powerless over everything except our selves and our actions. If we can live a good, clean, honest life, if we can each be a leader in our own area, if we can clean up our side of the street, if we can be self supporting and stop being parasites on the world, it will be a good start.

A very good start.

 

To live without living

Another day. of work. Of life and living. Came back very late last night. Appu had a splitting headache and the novalgin strip was in my office bag as I also need them very frequently these days. So it was that she had to bear the pain till I came back from office since all the chemists in our area, close shop by 11:00pm. She slept soon after taking the medicine. It is sad that I am not able to be with her when she needs me most.

It has been a bad day at work also. The accounts are in disarray. The software development has stopped as Ashok has given up and in a way run away from the project. He did not have the courage to stand up and accept that it was too big a challenge for him. We chose a loser again. What is it about us that attracts losers to us? And we keep trying to transform the losers into winners. It takes a lot of energy, time and effort to align the team to become winners and even one loser amongst them causes us to lose. The constant churning, the constant removal of the unnecessary so that the necessary can remain is very draining.
The online shop continues to be a mess. Paul has written in to say that the pieces might be put together this week. That would be huge. The interface and other aspects of the shop have been in a state of IP (in process) for ages now.

Miraculously, my father came to meet me yesterday. It is quite strange. Just recently, I was thinking that he had not called me in a long time and lo behold, there he was. The universe responds to all our needs I guess. We just have to ask, believe and have faith.
Appu’s college begins in two days from now. I hope it is a better experience for her than school.

No project as of now. Living alone, growing-up, the bills, the rigmarole of daily living.
The questions without the answers. The answers without the questions.
To see without seeing, to observe without observing,

And to live without living.



With gratitude

We have been able to submit the CMYK films for the Hindi Atlas to NATMO, with a letter requesting them to at least acknowledge our company in the prints to be rolled out. At least we have asked for what is due to us. This itself is huge. We had to learn to ask for what is due to us. It was a difficult learning process. It is so much easier to just let things be. Its the easier softer path. Jo ho raha hai, hone do. By default. Letting life run ‘by default’ can be debilitating.

In our family, looking good was everything. The insides could be churning and you could be in a lot of emotional pain but as long as you looked good on the outside, everything was fine. So for a long time I believed that I could get away in life by just ‘looking good’. It was only when I fell flat on my face in every area of my life that I realized and accepted that ‘feeling good’ was so much more important. It was then that the focus shifted from the ‘outside’ to the ‘inside’.

We are off today. Man, it does feel good. A long weekend. Everyone is working long hours during the five working days to compensate for this ‘long weekend’. Willingly. Without any external force. Work is being done without the application of any external force. That’s like defyng Newtons’ second law of motion. But we can defy anything. GC is a rebel. Everyone in GC from top to bottom has no choice but to be a leader, be different, live alone,work alone.

The contractors working in the office did bother me in the morning (khopri ghum gai) for a while. But I came back to the equilibrium state very fast. Narendra has committed to giving a treat to all of us on Monday in lieu of the increment he has received (by the way it has been pending for too long guys) so I have been asked to keep my mood normal (meaning by default that I am mostly in a bad mood, what a compliment!)

Akshay called. He had worked me when I had started the last company (It sounds as if I started many companies and by that rate I should have been a business tycoon by now, what a joke that is) in a small room (duchatti). It was very hot in the summers as it was on the second floor and we had no money for an AC. And we had to give training to two professors of SPA (School of Planning and Architecture). So we hung ‘khus ka pardas’ and it was Akshays’ duty to sprinkle water on them every two hours to keep the room cool (making use of the evaporation effect). He says he can never forget that (also that he worked with me). He also reminded me that I had once thrown a glass at him (how pathetic?) I apologized to him but he said that, that is what he missed. He felt he was part of a family when I shouted at him. Thats a completely new perspective for me.

On my knees. This time with gratitude.
For all that has been given. For all that has not been given. And for all that has been taken away or lost.


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