The outside seems OK. We are performing everyday. The office is being cleaned. The projects are being executed with as much precision as possible. And yet the insides are all messed up. The abandonement issues are cropping up churning my insides and crippling me emotionally. Is there any assigned place and time for grieving one’s emotional losses? Dard ko mehsoos karne ke liye koi jagah ya waqt ho sakta hai? Jeevan ki raftaar itni tez ho gayee hai ki apne aap se milne ka bhi waqt nahin hai. My parents left me emotionally, physically and spiritually to fend for myself. I was not the daughter they wanted me to be. Appu’s father, my ex-husband left me as I was not the wife he wanted me to be. Because I could not tolerate the drinking and the constant financial crises that were a part of the effect of alcoholism in our house. My ex in-laws never bothered to find out whether I was alive or dead. And now Appu feels that I have not been the mother she would have liked me to be, as I have been so focussed on GC, work and being self supporting financially. So I guess I have lost personally on all fronts. That makes me a loser I guess.
That’s my truth. Ugly or beautiful. Take it or leave it. And that is why everything is so mixed up for me. Love, dis-respect, abuse, abandonment. All seem to be part of a package deal. Cannot seem to distinguish one from the other.
‘Elections’: The biggest business of our times. It is a shame, what our so called ‘leaders’ have stooped to? There are no leaders today. Leaders were people like ‘Bhagat Singh’ who were ready to lay down their lives for their beliefs, their values, for the re-structuring of the country. Abhi kahaan hain woh breed? It is no more. Culture, respect, ethics, all are slaughtered publicly to win the game. For what is it but a game? With loud music, drama, noise, jokers,villains. Real change happens silently. True leadership does not need trumpets to announce its leadership.
The malls, the cars, the money is increasing along with the poverty of the mind and soul. Soon the bankruptcy will be so great that in place of ID cards, we will be carrying our bank statements to prove our existence.
Where the hell are we going guys?
Is there no way to stop this juggernaut which is moving towrads self-destruction?
Or we have yet to hit our rock bottom?
Questions. And more questions.
At least let us keep questioning.