Chandrakant Pandey has been asked to leave. He was found using the company resources, time and money for searching a better job on naukri.com. He has apologized but it is too late. Too late to restore our faith in anything and anyone. So while we are busy ensuring that the salaries get paid, the heaters work in the office and the meals are served in a clean and hygienic manner, our team is busy looking for better options. What can one say to this? Kya bol sakte hain? Best of luck Chandrakant. Let us see who turns out  to be a winner. The race is not yet over. And while you keep looking for better opportunities and jobs, you will miss what is right on front of you. All the best, nevertheless.

I think animals would be more loyal. Just that we cannot train them to do GIS. What a pity. Yes we are poor. Very poor. As a society, as a nation, as people, as a generation. We have no values, no integrity. And that is the worst form of poverty. The rest does not matter.

Altaf aaya tha. job chahiye. Mar raha hoon. Job de diya. And then what?He harmed us at the first opportunity. Chandan aaya tha. Kuch bhi nahin aata tha. Mauka diya seekhne ka. kaam karne ka. Kya kiya. Peeth piche waar kiya. Hit us behind our backs. Ritesh aaya. Jobless. Unemployed. Just a lot of gas in his ballon of ego. chance diya. Vishwas kiya. what did he do. He masterminded the hacking of our sites and e-mails to damage us and start his own company. Accha nahin kiya guys. You have just harmed the next team at GC, the next generation. In place of creating more freedom for them, you have ensured that the next team will get limited rights and limited opportunities in a limited space. You have killed the faith that we worked so hard at building and maintaining. Well done. Khush raho. Live with the history you have created. Job to mil hi jayega. Repeat your performance again. And blame GC, blame me. Thoda bojh kam ho jayega.

Focussing on building a new team. Again. And again. No idea what to look for. How to judge. Hariom is shortlisting a few candidates. He is the only team member left. Its me and him with the housekeeping staff and the guard to give us company. Good. So far so good.

Back to zero.

Zero, a good number. An auspicious number. Anything can be done with a ‘zero’. There are immense possibilities.

‘Zero’.

We need a U turn. A turning point. In the company and in our lives. Look up to the sky buddy. The sky might have some answers. And at least looking at the sky is not taxable ( up to now that is). If the government realized that the common man was getting some fringe benefits by looking at the sky, I am sure there would be a ‘Sky tax’ or ‘God support tax’ applied to the activity. So till then, we can look up and seek support from HP.

Ritesh has joined the team. kab tak rukega? The most common and the most powerful question. And that also in GC ( a madhouse with a mad woman). After all he is an IIT’an and GC would be too small a canvas for his huge vision. Ok, let us use the common cliche, ‘it is after all a growing company’ (kabse grow kar rahi hai bhai, kitne saal ya decades lagenge?) Like we are a ‘developing company’ in a ‘developing country’. We are ‘IP’. I mean ‘In Process’. That is a good state of being. To be in IP. We are not like ‘finished’ (as if that is a huge acheivement).

The ice tray of the fridge has been replaced. The gas cylinder has been bought in black (the legal one has not yet arrived although we got a message after fifteen days of booking that it is on its way, in IP that is). There is water in the house. And milk. And vegetables. And a few fruits. My God, we are rich. And let me not forget the plum cake that Appu bought on the eve of Christmas. Also the lunch and dinner being served in the office. Aur kya chahiye. Gratitude. Dude, practice some gratitude. It could have been worse ( I mean let us forget about the bills for a moment).

Truly, there is a lot to be grateful for. Despite and inspite of everything. Even the fact that we are in IP.

For being a work in progress.

In process.

Chandrakant has got a better ‘package’ from another company and he may decide to leave. Ok. At least he has been upfront and honest about it. The ‘packages’ are always a problem. There is always a better package, a better deal somewhere else or so it appears from the other side. Chandan has got a good grip of the online shop and hopefully now we will be able to move forward at a greater speed. The categories have been re-defined, the maps have been re-organized on the FTP and the payment gateway integration is in the testing stage. Itna time lagta hai? of course. Even a baby takes nine months to be born. Patience. Patience is the toughest thing. Ashok and Hariom have been able to achieve some breakthroughs in the web based application and that is commendable.

The office is being cleaned today. We are still serving three meals a day and we have also initiated the opening of bank accounts for all the team members. Also, saturdays are off for the technical team and I think these are some of the pluses that we can boast of apart from our challenging work environment. Still there are not many takers. ‘Work’ is under discussion and hopefully we should be able to close a project soon.

Appu is having her exams and is under stress. I am always under stress. So all is all there is a lot of stress. End of the month. Means the beginning of next month. Means the bills, the rents, the salaries. How quickly the month ends?

Rations, the bills, I cards, proposal, money, bank, installment, meeting, college, online shop, aloneness, being hated.

Being hated.

Bahut ho gaya. We will need to take away the freedom offered, the sense of ownership provided. Koi ownership nahin hai. If backstabbing is the forte of today’s generation, then let us be prepared for it. I was thinking that I have failed in creating leaders. But then technology can be taught. skills can be taught. But how can one teach values and ethics. Or integrity. These cannot be inculcated overnight. So how and where does one locate honesty and straightforwardness in a CV?

I managed to clean up a lot of files yesterday. Of course a lot of cleaning and managing is still required. The viruses in the form of people have left but the infection remains. It will take some time to disinfect the office and the minds of the remaining members. The server room is also being cleaned today. Stock taking of the pantry is in process and Om Prakash is checking out the files on the systems. We are gearing up for the next phase. Clearing up, cleaning up, growing up.

The silver trophies, the certificates, the food, money on time and on demand. Kuch pharak nahin padta. They want it all. I guess alll the team members want to be the captains of the ship without the responsibilities. I used to think that there was something wrong with us. But no, there is nothing wrong with us (except for the fact that I am a woman). We are just fine. Its the members who cannot cope with the unearned freedom, power and trust given to them on a platter.

Its becoming increasingly rare to find an honest man. An honest team.
Chirag lekar dhoodna padega. In fact, that is the biggest challenge for us today.

To build a good team.

The office was not opened till 10:00 am this morning. The guard had taken a half day leave and the keys were handed over to the housekeeping peon who works in the evening shift. He came to the office with the keys and did not know how to use them to open the glass door. Ajay, the manager (who should have managed) the crisis reached office only at 10: 15am. I was frantically making calls to the office after 9:00 am and nobody was picking up the phone. I had even called Ajay yesterday, i.e on a sunday to remind him that there could be a problem in the morning as the guard had taken off. I was assured that everything was under control. I was upset by the time Ajay reached office and I told him that with a senior profile like his, he should have taken more responsibility. That with a ‘manager’ on board, I could do without the tension of checking whether (and how) the office had been opened on time. bas ho gaya. The fragile male ego got punctured.

And then it was the worst possible show of all the male egos getting together to stage a walk out and quote, unquote ‘teach me a lesson’. At least, in this area, I have already learnt my lessons, guys. I can live alone, work alone and stand alone. It is OK. This is not the first time it has happened. They did not call me, inform me or say their goodbyes. The office became a picnic spot. They picked up their bags and left. Quite a manly thing to do, I must say. Just walk away. The ‘walk out guys’ have also enrolled Dimpi in their mission. She also refused to take my calls and most probably will not come back after her holiday. She was also not ‘woman’enough to talk to me. I am the ‘villain’ again. Bahut aadmiyon ke saath kaam kiya. Aadmi koi bhi nahin mila ( worked with a lot of men, did not find even one man amongst them). ek bhi nahin. Not even one with any balls.

The following have walked away unceremoniously from our office today : Anand Singh Rawat, Ajay Kumar Bhatia, Dimpi Nayak, Kamakhya Puri Kushwaha. Narendra Kumar Das had also left after reacting very badly on a trivial issue. I did not mention it earlier as I wanted a peaceful closure. I wish we could put them on a blacklist so that they do not cause harm to another company. But I guess that will have to wait. There are other more pressing and urgent issues to be handled here.

Ajay had worked earlier in an office automation office as an admin executive. I think the promotion to the level of a manager in an IT company was a heady cocktail of of ‘power and control’. jhel nahin paya. Same with Anand. Both were new entries to the IT sector. And could not deal with the freedom along with the responsibilities and of course ‘my gender’. I do not know about Kamakhya and Dimpi. maybe it was pre-planned. They were just waiting for the right moment (just after the salaries were dispersed). How opportunistic is that?

We have begun the process of taking interviews. Just that the training in the applications of aviation will have to be done again. The collective energy will have to be channelized again. par achha hai. A complete clean-up is good to build a better and stronger building. A complete virus scan so to say. No remnants of any virus strains. I think over the months there was this smugness in the technical team that they had learnt all that was required. That they were the best. And this ‘smugness’ was harming us. It was stopping us from learning and growing. So it is nice that we can start from a fresh and clean slate again with no skeletons in to bury. Sometimes relationships which are meant to end just end. And it is for the larger good of all concerned. Its just the way they are ended that makes it messy. And painful.

We will go forward. We will fight the remaining battle. As always. Even if the ‘we’ includes just ‘me and God’ as of now.

I do have one request for my HP. Give me the same brain, the same feelings, the same problems maybe but in case I need to re-visit the earth, please do not make me a ‘woman’.

Repeat:

‘Please do not make me a woman’.

We collected a few copies of the quarterly in-house journal of CREDAI where a write-up on our work has been published and it felt very good. After so many years our work is being recognized and there is a feeling of pride and joy in the team. Anand (our senior accountant) has even kept a copy for himself. OK, a pat on our back would be well deserved.
The job for the integration of the payment gateway has been given to the X-Cart guys. Found no other suitable company to handle it. So now the online shop will be able to handle payments in Indian rupees as well as US Dollars. Another step forward.

Still looking for the constituency maps. From the Election Commissioners’ office to the Registrar General of India’s office, no clue till date. Or maybe we are not desperate enough, as of now.
More interviews, tests, shortlisting. Tough job. To find the right guy for the right job. Either one finds a right guy for the wrong job or the wrong guy for the right job. Bahut complicated hai.

No water supply in the house. ‘Money’ and ‘water’, from the right sources are difficult to find. Of course there are ‘other channels’ but then they are not ‘ authenticated’ or ‘straight’ channels. And anything ‘straight’ is difficult. A straight path, a straight man. Very rare.

‘Darr’. ‘fear’, has been a very large part of our life. Sometimes there is fear in making a call to a client or to the landlord or to the banker. There is fear in receiving bills. In facing the next day. Or the next hour. The ‘what if’s’.
What if no project comes our way. What if the rent is not paid. What if the salaries are not dispersed. What if there is no money for petrol. The never ending ‘what ifs’. Need a large dose of faith here. We are OK. And We will be OK. Just breathe.

Appu is upset with me. And yet she has designed T-shirts with the GC logo, for giving away as gifts, on the eve of Diwali. Thanks bebu. Many times, I lose my connection with her. It is sad.

So here we are. Two steps forward. One step backward. So the actual displacement is just one step. Kya kare. Maybe this is the best we can do right now. Maybe there is no need to compare. What is meant to happen will come our way. There is no need to run, to panic, to become desperate.
We can allow the events to unfold as destined. Allow people to walk in when they are meant to. And leave when thay want to. Its alright.

We have not run away. We have not balked at what we need to do. We are still on the field. For better or for worse. Regardless of a win or a loss.

Still on the battlefield.

Last years’ balance sheet is nearly complete with most of the suspense account cleared. That in itself is a huge achievement. Good work Anand and Suraj. And let us not forget the CA. Ah, the CA. The guy of guys. The account of accounts. The man of numbers, behind the show.

We are inching (crawling would be a better term) towards the finalization of the company who can (will) handle the integration of the payment gateway for PrithviPraroop for us. Fingers crossed. If all goes well, Kamakhya will definitely breathe a sigh of relief. Maybe even Dimpi. And Narendra. And myself. Let tommorrow come. Tommorrow will take care of itself.

I had taken medicine from a chemist (to save on time and money) for a mild (or so I thought) infection in my throat. before long, it became worse and I had to make a trip to the doctor and begin a proper course of antibiotics (damn expensive ones too). So much for my efforts to save time and money. Since any such effort is not possible in the daytime, I had to make the visit to the doctor past midnight with no sounds except the barking of the dogs in the streets.
Sometimes I wish everything was 24/7 because most of us in GC only get time in the night (and that too after midnight).

The copper pipe of the split AC in the conference room was cut and stolen from the roof. Hence, all the gas also leaked out. So it was another unbudgeted expenditure to get it working again. We are not being able to send mails and also not being able to trace the problem. That is another major cause for concern.

Baki sab wahi hai. Parking space is still an issue. Water remains an issue. And ‘work and money’ are like perennial issues. Excel sheets, bills,TDS, there are always payments to be made. Why is it that there are scarcely any payments to be collected. There are always so many to be paid at any given point in space and time.

The good vs the bad, the right vs the wrong, the ‘could be’ vs the ‘should be’ vs the ‘being’.

The black vs the white.

And in the end, just grey.

One enquiry for PHBAAS. Good. very good. Of course the query was about why it was so expensive. Bhai dimag lagaya hai. Technology hai. It is not just another map. All this was explained to the potential customer. So it is time now for wait and watch. Meanwhile, Narendra is designing the packaging for the product. He has become our designer apart from being the GIS team leader.

Amma has left for the village. Her husband is not well so she is going there to look after him. Shakuntala has taken her place for cooking lunch in the office. Today it was Narendra’s turn to cook dinner and he made a lovely pulao for all of us. It has also been decided that next week, it will be an Assamese dish with steamed rice and black coffee. It is good to know that our technical team consists of great cooks too.

Water and electricty have been a problem. It has been raining incessantly and the drainage of Delhi is very ill equipped to deal with this quantum of rain. So the transport logistics have been badly affected and everyone reached the office quite late (but at least they reached and did not declare it a rainy day holiday!).

There are the bills. Some of them have been paid. We placed an Advertisement for the position of an accountant and there are countless CV’s pouring in. A written test for the attitude and accounting capability has been designed and each applicant is being asked to give the test. Hopefully, this will give prove beneficial to both the candidate and the company.

There is pain and there is loneliness. And there is this path to walk. To walk the walk.

And the oven needs repair. And a gas cylinder had to bought in black. And the office rations have to be bought over the weekend.

Tangentially opposite directions. The small things and the big things.
Could never really figure out which one is more important. The big stuff or the small stuff.

The big vs The small.

The past is powerful and painful, Some events, people or thoughts can trigger off painful memories and the pain then lasts for days. And it is so difficult to explain what is ‘not ok’ since everything seems ‘ok’ on the surface.
Ashok has turned around completely. from being a completely negative person, he is now positive in everything. He believes in himself and in the software he is try to create. That has so far been the most powerful transformation to witness in a team member. Our ID cards have been issued and barring me, everything is more professional in the office.

We need to begin doing some homework for the admissions for Appu. There is a lot of inertia in beginning the hunt for a so called ‘good college’. Does such a thing even exist?
If we were to unravel the myths surrounding our education system, it would tear our society apart.

I have been able to buy a cotton saree. After ages I guess. After all of them were sold to my mother when I desperately needed the money. But then what is also needed is this willingness to wear it. And I doubt if that is left. Or maybe it will come back. Maybe it never will. I am not being able to pray. To connect with HP. So I repeat the prayer and again my mind wanders off in myriad directions. I desperately need that connection.

To drop it,

A powerful lesson.

Ashok, our software developer decided to work the night, day before yesterday and me and Appu had to drive over to the office, way past midnight to deliver a mattress and chadar to the office to facilitate a short nap for him in the early morning hours (thats a long sentence by any measure). And I told Appu that despite what the MBA gurus say, the basic requirement for running a company was purely this: ‘To be able to deliver a mattress in the office past midnight’. Its funny what the management and education gurus fail to teach us.

We are ready to submit the report for the site in Hyderabad. Finally, with the work order in place,it is a huge relief. We are also working on the online shop and should have some maps ready by the end of the month.

Some of the financial liabilities are being cleared (the emotional will take generations to clear). The banks are OK with us. They are getting their money. We are heading for a financial audit beginning next week. Rajeev is going to be busy with the auditors and will be quite unavailable for other jobs. Shikha has ordered more chairs in the office (the chairs are always a problem, the entire fight is about the chair and its power).
Dimpi and Kamakhya are scheduled for a training on ArcGIS 10.0 on this coming monday and tuesday by NIIT. We managed to purchase one license for the Dell maching with Windows 7.0 as the operating system (since the earlier versions of ArcGIS that we have,were not compatible with it).

Appu is still recovering from the pressures of our educational system. She is still not back to normal. She coped and that was the long and short of it. she survived school.

One more step, one more day,one more breath.