I guess I am angry with AAI. With the system in government orgainzations. With the hype around formal education when the basic values of work, integrity and honesty are not in place. I am just beginning to understand how it is easier to ‘not work’ than ‘ to work’ in our country. Kaam karne se logon ko dikkat hoti hai. It is like nobody works and if someone starts working, it is a big problem. It will mean that others have to work too and that would require changing as well as a huge amount of effort. ‘kaun karega’. And how will doing ‘work’, ‘good work’ change our karma? Quite a poignant argument put forward by many.

Kya sach hai, kya jhooth. Kuch samajh main nahin aata. Cannot figure out the truth anymore. Cannot see the good from the bad anymore. What is good is actually bad and what is bad may have a little goodness in it. Utter confusion. Utter chaos. Increase in entropy so to say.

We are poor as a country not because we do not have brains or talent, but because we do not, cannot respect work. That is the long and short of it. We have talent, we have brains but we do not wish to take a stand , to stretch ourselves, to reach beyond the ordinary. It is not the poplulation (we have enough space), it is not lack of education. It is a lack of attitude, a lack of work ethics. That is it. And politicians cannot point it out. Vote kaise milega? Intellectuals cannot accept it as they are part of the bureaucracy (the origin of the rot). Who will say that the emperor is naked? Who will bell the cat?

Still struggling with the payment gateway for the online shop. God. It has been like ages. Let it work. We have uploaded the constituency maps of UP for the upcoming assenbly elections in the state. Hopefully there will be buyers. Ritesh has pointed out that we are too expensive. So it has been decided that the pricing will be revised to get a break in the market. But we are good guys. I mean we are better than the others. And our maps are geo-referenced. They have a lat-long. Is that not important value addition? Chod do bhaiya. Map bechna hai ki nahin? Do you need the money or not? Of course we need the money. What are you talking? We need it every day, every moment. Then shut up and revise the pricing. OK. Let us do it. Now you are talking.

Rent, bills, rations, stress, tiredness, the mumbo jumbo again.

Talk about it.

The Mumbo Jumbo.

And so I wonder.

And the corollary of this fiasco is that there should be no ‘tenants’ in Delhi. Only the ‘owners’ should live. So people who do not have houses should migrate elsewhere or they should be killed. Wiped out from the surface of Delhi. Just like Hitler killed the jews. I mean it would lead to a cleaner Delhi, safer Delhi. I guess Delhi is a place where you can live if you have your own house and ‘connections’ ( political, religious or with the underworld).
The president of the RWA has a problem with me so the local police supports him and picks up my car from the place I live, in broad daylight, using a crane. That is like raping in daylight with everyone watching and doing nothing.
So either you earn enough and quickly to buy a house or you have one given by your parents. By hook or by crook, you must have a house. Else, you should be wiped out from the surface of the earth. Quite cool I must say. Very sophisticated. Very intellectual.

So this noise about a good education is all humbug. A good education will get one a good job, maybe some dignity. But it will definitely not buy one a house (unless one take bribes) and will not get one connections of any kind (unless one gets into a scam).

No project so far. OK. No need to panic. Waiting. sometimes waiting is all we can do. To wait for good things to happen is also an art. The new team is becoming familiar with the freedom, the responsibilities and the pressure. The strategy for the online shop is being discussed. Have started the process of explaining the aviation guidelines to be used to the team members. It is quite a tedious task as I have to do it from scratch but what needs to be done, needs to be done. More than the skills, it is the skill of working alone that is hard to teach. Everyone is so used to being guided, of being led. To be a leader is impossible for most. And that is the real challenge.

Appu is in Pilani and I am glad that she is not having to witness the fiasco here. She wanted to take photographs of all the cars parked haywire on the roads, she wanted to fight. But how long can we keep fighting? And with how many people? Where is the energy?

Very disconcerting. And yet we talk of freedom. Of growth. Of equality.
When we are still stuck in the grabbing of just ‘parking space’.
zindagi kahan park hogi, pata nahin, par car ki parking ke liye ladenge.

Come to the point. Its not the car. Its not the parking space. Its proving who is more powerful. Who calls the shots.The RWA, The police, The land owners.
To sach to bol lo. Just say that we are the ‘dadás’ here. Listen to us else, we will harass you’. At least have the balls to say that.

Tell you what. We should stop this drama of running schools. of giving education,degrees,jobs. We should all train ourselves and our kids ( which we should not have if we do not have land) in martial arts, fight for land as in the olden days and let the jungle raj come out on the open. It is jungle raj behind the veneer of democracy. Let it be open. At least we will be prepared to fight a war with no rules, no regulations. A war where money,sex and power are used indiscriminately.

A war where it is the survival of the fittest.

‘Survival of the fittest’.

Increasingly, i think more than jobs, we need people who want to do those jobs, who truly want to work. Mostly I am challenged with people who believe that having a degree and being alive is a passport for getting a job and making a living. And this creates poor quality work, low national income and consequently lesser net income and growth. But this is an area which is not focussed at, at all, as it would mean confronting the inability of our education system, of confronting our own inadequacies as individuals and as a nation. This is one more reason for people to walk out from GC. They are challenged to not just exist, but to live, to stretch their capabilities to the maximum and the hard work and commitment required drives them away. Mostly they are looking for easier softer options to make a living and just getting by. ‘Just get by’ is the ‘mantra’ to live with for most of us.

No project or payment in sight so far. Good. Very good. The lean times will help us respect the good times better. Amma continues to cook the lunch in the office. So far so good. The HR/Admin team has been re-vamped and hopefully they will sustain the pressure at GC. The newsletter for the month of july is in progress and is being designed by Narendra.
The online shop is due to be launched on August 8 although large parts of the inteface are yet to be finalized. Keeping our fingers crossed.

The online motor in the house has been replaced and the water situation is better now. I think it was overdue and it was just not done due to the lack of funds. So as we say in NA, on the outside, there is manageability. Ah, but what matters is the inside and we hardly ever talk about it.

Let the tears flow, they clean the eyes, the heart and the soul,
Let the world go about its own business,
Let the earth rotate at its own speed,
Let the universe step in and help when we cannot do it alone,
Let go of things, of people who choose to leave.

Letting go is probably the most powerful lesson in life and living.

‘Let go’

The past is powerful and painful, Some events, people or thoughts can trigger off painful memories and the pain then lasts for days. And it is so difficult to explain what is ‘not ok’ since everything seems ‘ok’ on the surface.
Ashok has turned around completely. from being a completely negative person, he is now positive in everything. He believes in himself and in the software he is try to create. That has so far been the most powerful transformation to witness in a team member. Our ID cards have been issued and barring me, everything is more professional in the office.

We need to begin doing some homework for the admissions for Appu. There is a lot of inertia in beginning the hunt for a so called ‘good college’. Does such a thing even exist?
If we were to unravel the myths surrounding our education system, it would tear our society apart.

I have been able to buy a cotton saree. After ages I guess. After all of them were sold to my mother when I desperately needed the money. But then what is also needed is this willingness to wear it. And I doubt if that is left. Or maybe it will come back. Maybe it never will. I am not being able to pray. To connect with HP. So I repeat the prayer and again my mind wanders off in myriad directions. I desperately need that connection.

To drop it,

A powerful lesson.

Daily maintenance of the office, meals, AC installation, stationary, dealing with the peon and guard is proving to be more exhausting than the actual technical work. Tried hiring a driver so that I could take calls without the steering wheel in my hand and on the first day itself, I found him drinking in the car. So that was the end of the experiment ( he thought I would not know but then we all think that when we drink, been there,done that buddy).

Sangeeta Basu always challenged me on smoking. On a few occasions when I asked her to teach me how to smoke, she would hold the cigarette in her slender fingers and roll the smoke and say ‘Burjwal’ (That is how she always liked to call me), ‘you will never learn the art of smoking’. So that is something I am definitely going to learn before I die, not just smoking you see but ‘the art of smoking’( a side benefit being that a woman driver with a cigarette in her hand will not to be messed around with). Of course the bottomline being that GC needs to cross the one crore turnover mark before I can begin the ‘learning’.

There is pain. With people. With work. More and more I am convinced that the problem is not lack of formal education and/or unemployment. The problem is below the surface of ‘not really wanting to work’ or not really wanting to ‘do good work’ or ‘ of not wanting to work at all’. have an easy way out. And in place of dealing with this ‘not wanting’, we hide behind ‘lack of education’ or ‘opprtunities’.
And this ‘not wanting’ cannot be dwealt with as it is not visible. All my energy goes in making people ‘want to do good work’, ‘want to work’ and not just ‘report for work’.

I need a retirement plan now. I have begun rambling and whining and that really does not change anything. So guys let me go. I need to retire.

Is anyone out there listening? Dear God, you don’t need to sit and give a beautific smile like a Buddha out there. If you were on this earth living like a human being, you would know what I am talking about.

I need to go.

We finished the Hyderabad project. Congratulations to the entire team of Global Coordinates. Well done. Despite the maistakes and hiccups, we have finally rectified,completed and prepared an awesome report with a detailed analysis. All is well that ends well.Cheers to everyone. I am sure Narendra would love a beer party except that we cannot arrange one for him as I have been sober for about ten years now and GC has an unwritten rule of not providing drinks in the office.

We had to buy a gas cylinder in black for the house. The ‘number one’ ka cylinder never came from the gas agency. And the gas ended while I was in office so Shiva had to rush the cylinder to the house from Okhla. Thanks Shiva. For the effort.
Kamakhya is off to Chennai for a site visit today. Best of luck to him. And Imtiaz is re-entering the company for providing a few training classes to students registered with us. He has always been a part of GC and we are very happy to welcome him back.

Appu has only one thing on her mind-the board exams.Its gruelling. The school wants a good name for itself. So the students are being pushed to study more. Whether real education happens or not, whether the child is ready to face the world emotionally or not, he/she should get a good percentage at any cost. After all ‘school ke naam’ ka kya hoga.

The facade,the fakeness,the looking good.

Bullshit (although I have truly no idea what that means)

Work is happening ( as in ‘happening’). There is ‘work’. So hopefully, the ‘money’ will follow. Getting ‘respect’ would be another story altogether. ‘Respect’ is fast becoming an ‘unknown word in our lexicon.

Everyone is eagerly waiting to shift to the new office (which has a larger space). Of course a lot of work is still pending (which also means that a lot of money is still required for the makeover). And we do not wish to stop work here as there are deadlines for the projects we have undertaken.

Too much time on this earth could be detrimental. It would be nice to just experience life, do what one has to do and leave it to the younger generation to create something better and more worthwhile.

I have been thinking ( that is what I do most of the time anyway) that most of us live in a dream most of the time (just like in ‘Inception’). We live in a dream created by us for years, maybe generations at the second or third level. And it is a comfortable world. We believe what we wish to believe. The ‘reality’ is too heartbreaking, too painful. So we prefer to stay in a makebelieve world where all is well and nothing changes, day after day. Until a crisis happens to break that comfort level. And we are forced to face reality. And the facade breaks.

So maybe it is important that the facade remains intact. Of a happy family, of a successful life, of a ‘happening’ political and democratic system, of power, of being in control. The other side would be too scary to show. Just like the slums of a country or the ‘poor’ of a family. Now the poverty could be ‘financial’ or ‘emotional’. It has to be hidden. Behind lies, drugs, clothes,cars.

The ‘show’ must go on.

Outstanding acheivement requires taking outstanding risk. And taking outstanding risk always lies in the realm of men. My brother left his education mid way, broke all rules and did what he believed in because my parents were solidly behind him. They took a stand for him. No matter what he chose to do. He knew he was not alone, he knew he could chart new territories. He knew he had roots and a home to come back to, no matter what. I doubt if me and my sister could say the same. We followed the rules, we did housework, we studied and within the parameters set for us, we tried to be sucessful(that also meant that we had to keep the men in our lives even if it meant sacrificing our own). And the moment I stepped out of the set parameters, I was abandoned. By all. Much like the ‘unwanted Karna’. I can understand today how men ooze so much confidence while women appear to be ‘dithering’. The ‘men’ have the ‘family name’. They also have the ‘property’. And I guess ‘economics’ works in their favor. And it this ‘confidence’ which supports them in creating a world of their ‘choice’ whereas ‘women’ start from a premise of ‘doubt’. ‘Doubt’ in their capabilities, ‘doubt’ in their roots,’doubt’ in who will take a stand for them if they failed, ‘doubt’ if anyone actually cared whether they did something outstanding or ‘life-changing’.And ‘confidence; creates ‘success’. And ‘doubt’ creates ‘doubt’. So we have less women in the boardroom. Less women in the top echeleons of achievers. And even lesser who are able to do what they wish to do and succeed.

So the pre-birth sex tests should be legalized. Parents not wanting a girl child should not be forced to have one. It would be better to not allow a girl to take birth than to subject her to a lifetime of second class treatment and dis-respect and resentment in looking after her by people who are supposed to love her and take care of her. I am sure that many prostitutes would testify to have been forced into the trade by their own family. And how much more worse that act is than actual death.

There is a lot of studying to be done. And for once it is not for marks, percentages or accolades. It is to be able to tackle real problems for real clients and that is truly challenging. Narendra, Shiva ,Dimpi ,Kamakhya,Shikha and Himanshu (who is coping apart from not being able to get up on time) are rising to the occasion. There is no fear as we take on the various projects and get ready to move into the larger office. I think we are all mentally prepared to work harder (and smarter) and meet the extra overheads. Thank you guys (and gals).

And in our world of tall skyscrapers,nuclear power,instant money,instant messaging,instant sex, nothing succeeds like success.

I think it would be best to become  a hermit (and practice meditation and renunciation) or become this mafia don (doness , I hope this is the female version of don who gives two hoots to society and its rules bang with dark glasses and SUV’s and weapons in toto). No point living like a ‘Trishanku’ (hanging in mid-air,neither on the earth and nor in the sky). Unless of course GC becomes an MNC and generates enough ‘moolah’.

Ok. back to the basics. The ‘atta’ is over in the office. And the 3D module in GIS is still a mystery ( a lot of stuff in life remains a mystery). And I need to pick up Appu from her dance class. The small stuff. Its manageable. Its the emotional unknown world which is hugely unmanageable.

‘Unmanageability’

Have I mentioned this before? You bet.

Me and my daughter are planning to go to Ajmer. I wish to visit the Ajmer Sharif Dargah and my daughter wants a break. So next weekend might just be different ( at last). The last time we went anywhere was around five years ago.

I went for an AA meeting after ages and it felt good just to see the old familiar faces, the old timers. I have always felt welcomed there, regardless of the status, education, family, money I had or did not have. So I have walked to meetings when I had no money and today is so much better. Today I can drive to a meeting. And there is a ‘realness’ there which is not there in the outside world and if it exists, I have not experienced it as yet.

As of now, the ‘Inside’ and the ‘Outside’ are not matching. There is a certain amount of turbulence inside due to the politics and cheating in the office. For small amounts of money. Very disgusting. Dishonesty, is very difficult to digest, specially from team members. But it is difficult for me to catch the small acts. I am only focussed on the larger picture.

Is there any way to control the pettiness of people?

On the ‘outside’, I need to be in control, in charge, sure of everything. Lot of discrepancy in the inside and the ‘outside’.

Dealing with it.