There was a time when I was running my life. Now I guess life is running me.
Living is all about negotiating huge traffic jams, money, bills, egos, garbage within and without. Everything is a business deal. Everything is for sale. Politics, relationships, work, hospitals, education, poverty. Turnover badhate hue to khud ko hi turn over karna padega.
Bahar se sab theek hi hai. Phir bhi andar sab itna mess kaise hai. Inside Outside ka chakkar hai. Inside is not equal to Outside. Andar kuch aur chal raha hai, bahar kuch aur dikhana padta hai.
Appu is feeling low today. Cannot figure out why. Rommell Properties has refused to pay our balance amount. A new project can be seen on the horizon after a gap of two months. It is not closed yet. It is as of now a possibility. But then we have always lived on possibilities. On hope. Aur hai hi kya hamare paas?
I miss having a ‘Mother’ in my life. I guess even my father has been an absent figure in my life. Never there when I needed him most. Toh thoda ‘Anaath’ wali feeling aati hai. Many times, I feel the burden of carrying this legacy of being an ‘orphan’. ‘of being unwanted’. ‘of being inauspicious.
The only way left to live is , to live without thinking too much, without feeling too much, without actually living at all.
Appu is practicing for an upcoming dance show. She loves dancing and that is what she is doing. It is a luxury to be able to do what one loves. I am happy for her.
‘Happiness’. Kitna achha shabd hai. And how rarely do we experience it. Fake it to make it. Fake kar lo yaar. How does it matter? So much of our lives are fake anyway.
Tumse toh baat karna bekar hai. Ulti hi baat bolte ho.
‘Jaane bhi do yaaron’