The bankers want to visit us. I think they are wondering as to how the hell these ‘chicken littles’ with no money are paying their instalments on time and/or are not begging for more money. I mean we have not yet done anything remarkable except of being able to pay the instalments and most of our bills on time. That in itself has been huge for us. But for the world outside, it should mean nothing. So or maybe they need to check if we are indulging in some nefarious activities like selling drugs! Strange. We are doomed if we survive and doomed if we do not.

Appu’s last exam today. Thank God. Her brain would be half dead by now. It will take years to unlearn and re-kindle the spark of creativity now. School in itself is a system that can only create losers. It is mostly run by losers and losers can only create more losers.

The fridge has been replaced. I was tired of re-charging the gas every month. And of throwing away food which in my mind is only next to any other criminal activity (we were brought up with the belief that food is precious as there are so many hungry mouths to feed in our country and hence it is not to be wasted.)

Dimpi and Kamakhya are on a site visit to Hyderabad and Chennai. Here is wishing all the best to them. We also have a presentation scheduled in AAI this friday and thankfully, this time round there will be a laptop to make the presentation with ( the earlier one had been stolen long ago). Narendra is a working on the presentation.

Rest of the story is the same. The bills, the rent, the roof (the lease is getting over soon), the water issues, clients, payments and the fact that I am a villain and will remain so.

At least for this lifetime.

Speed,fight for survival, bills, identification papers,constantly running to make money,name,fame, what madness. The higher the speed, the higer the rate of success, higher the rate at which the moolah comes in. And ‘moolah’ is everything. Before an emotional crash happens and all that matters is lost.

We need chairs in the office ( we always need something or the other). There is work (of course, how many times do I need to say this?) and there is money (expected, better than no money and no expectation of getting any).

Everyone is growing up in the office and growing up is painful. So there is relief,there is pain and there is the agony of dealing with me, with the client and with life.

Self supporting. Emotionally,spiritually and financially.

To hell with it. Just breathing is becoming difficult.

p.s: I am extremely grateful for everyone who has commented on this blog. I have not been able to answer individually as I am constantly running out of time between running the house and office. But I need to share that I am touched and honored. Thank you very much. I have nothing except these sharings. Maybe sometimes ‘nothing’ is ‘everything’. Thanks.

I did not feel like coming to work today but it is like one task at a time, one day at a time. And what needs to be done on a daily basis has to be done. I have not really accomplished much. A few phone calls, a few mails and that is about all. A lot of clutter needs to go from my table. Too many unproductive files.
It will happen I guess. awareness, acceptance,action. Action is the last step you see. I am yet in the awareness stage you see. Although action is the magic word.

So today, I just wish to go home, lie down and rest. Close my eyes and forget that I have loans to re-pay, that we need more projects and the unpaid bills.

For once. For a change.

Surrender to a HP.

Yesterday, me and my daughter witnessed the shit yet again. In fact it has become a normal routine for shit to hit us specially when she has an exam the next day. This has been a time tested theory for us. We should have been prepared. But then there are so many ‘should’s’ in one’s life.

Our driver ( a new one who has now left) parked the car in front of two other cars and with the hand brake (this after specific instructions were given to him about how and where not to park the car). So come midnight and the bell of our house rang. I had already prepared to go to bed and I asked my daughter to take the car keys and do the needful. After a few moments, I heard a lot of shouting and I went out and saw two men screaming wildly at her and using abusive words. She was trying to calm them down saying that she was coming to remove the car and that the matter could be resolved amicably but to no avail. When I realized that the men did not wish to see reason, we came inside and locked the house.

After a while, the bell rang again and the men had called the cops. And then it was all mayhem. They used the choicest of words, abuses and what have you. It was a bad night for both of us. And then it set me thinking. Why is it that we love things more than people? What is it about cars and mobiles and what have you? We are ready to fight, to hurt each other, to hit each other and for what?

Love for things is greater than love for human beings and their feelings. The more things one has, the more cars, houses, titles, the more powerful one thinks oneself to be. And since everything is attached to things, we clutch on to them like a leech. Hold on them with our life.

I guess, therefore ‘loss’ is  a great teacher, whether it is of material things or of relationships or of loved ones. Because ‘loss’ could be or should be converted to ‘letting go’.

Trying to ‘let go’.

So we have taken a stand with a client (the mining one) and we have asked for an ‘x’ amount of advance (can you imagine? and the heavens have not fallen as yet) and mentioned a minimum price below which the project would not be economically viable for us( good vocabulary here). And we are waiting with bated breath. For the reaction. This is the first time we have done it and its goddamn tough. Specially when we have unpaid bills and salaries on our head. We really hope the risk is well worth it.

I am really tired of constantly working and constantly worrying about the cash flows. If I need to be on the roads, let me at least do it with some panache and my self respect intact.

The small payment from Ghaziabad Development Authority(which was to cover our rent) has yet to happen. I mean we have already spent half the bribe amount in the office and if we do not get the cheque today, probably we will spend the balance too. And then the concerned offcial may not release the payment at all. So it is a catch22 situation. Meanwhile the landlord (the lord) has threatened to send us a legal notice to vacate if we continue this status over the next month.

For today, I guess, we are sitting in office, we have water in the kitchen and toilet and the systems and net are working. Great. Jagannath is back from Indore and he has not decided to leave the company(as yet).

And my daughter is studying (well trying to, I guess) for her exams.

And I am trying to be brave.