Father has sent me a mail. Acknowledging that the ‘family’ ‘deserted’ me when I needed them the most. It is the truth. And now it is in the open. But what can I do with this acknowledgement? Does the acknowledgment of a crime take away its consequences? The damage has already been done. And what is done is done. Cannot reverse the time clock unless of course Einsteins’ theory of relativity could be applied here.

The online shop is in shape. The payment gateway is still in the testing stage and there is concern about it, but there is nothing much we can do about it. Time will take time. Just keeping our fingers crossed. Hariom and Ashok are struggling with the basics of the software application. ‘Struggle’. A very familiar state of being for us.

Nothing earth shattering as of now. Just the same routine. Just following the routine is taking all our energy, all our time. If we can keep up the routine, it will be a huge achievement.

Just being alive is an achievement. That is the bottomline.
‘Being happy’ would be too much to ask for. A topline so to say.

Too much to ask for.

Chandrakant has got a better ‘package’ from another company and he may decide to leave. Ok. At least he has been upfront and honest about it. The ‘packages’ are always a problem. There is always a better package, a better deal somewhere else or so it appears from the other side. Chandan has got a good grip of the online shop and hopefully now we will be able to move forward at a greater speed. The categories have been re-defined, the maps have been re-organized on the FTP and the payment gateway integration is in the testing stage. Itna time lagta hai? of course. Even a baby takes nine months to be born. Patience. Patience is the toughest thing. Ashok and Hariom have been able to achieve some breakthroughs in the web based application and that is commendable.

The office is being cleaned today. We are still serving three meals a day and we have also initiated the opening of bank accounts for all the team members. Also, saturdays are off for the technical team and I think these are some of the pluses that we can boast of apart from our challenging work environment. Still there are not many takers. ‘Work’ is under discussion and hopefully we should be able to close a project soon.

Appu is having her exams and is under stress. I am always under stress. So all is all there is a lot of stress. End of the month. Means the beginning of next month. Means the bills, the rents, the salaries. How quickly the month ends?

Rations, the bills, I cards, proposal, money, bank, installment, meeting, college, online shop, aloneness, being hated.

Being hated.

Appu has her exams this week. And I have one everyday. To keep the phone lines ringing, to keep the roof over our heads, to keep the office space functioning and to see if have moved even one mm everyday in terms of work.

Chandan is not scared anymore of the online shop. He is getting there. It always is like this. Somethings look complicated for a long time and then one day, suddenly it all makes sense. The lesson is brought home. The trick is to not quit when the learning seems complicated. Chandrakant is getting more comfortable with the aviation projects. And Ashok is trying to work with open source GIS for a web based model.

Where are we? Have we taken the right path? Is there anything else we could have done? Any better path or turn that we missed. Questions with no clear answers. We just did our best, whatever that means. And anyway there is no pass or fail in the exam of life. We just either live or die. That is the only test. And in the end we have to die. So we all take turns at being winners and losers. Its just a cycle. Like any other cycle in the universe. What the hell am I saying? IDK. I don’t know. That is supposed to be a ‘cool’ answer. I don’t know.

Appu would love to attend the huge family functions that she sees her friends attend. But where is the family to be able to attend a family function? Maybe just the two of us is family. A little different. But nevertheless a family. What the hell is a ‘family’ anyway? Need to look up its meaning from the dictionary. Is it really such a powerful term or just a hyped up word for ‘other benefits’ just like a hyped up turnover.

Maybe by now, I should have done something more, achieved more, looked more you know ‘ being there’. But this is where I am. And it is still bloody hard to be here.

I guess the day is over and it is pack up time. we do not have one in the office so it is confusing.

Pack up time.

Kamakhya and Dimpi are working on a site in Hyderabad. We are also trying to define a more stringent QC process to eliminate all possibilities of any errors. Any error could prove very costly to us. Narendra is working on the same and we should be able to freeze it soon.

Baki sab wahi hai. The bills are pouring in.telephone,electricity,water,rent and the list is endless. When it pours, it really pours. Ho jayega. As always. They will get paid. Somehow. Sometime. Faith. Keep the faith.

The service tax is being paid tommorrow. That is huge for us. From the time when we were not being able to live,to breathe to now when we are being able to pay our taxes. Thank you God. Thank you very much.

Are we part of the race? or out of it? Or are we getting ready to be part of the mad race. Beyond my understanding. We are surviving. No doubt about that. And with a modicum of dignity. That is the miracle for us. To be able to survive with our dignity intact.

The race to get ahead.

Or the race from nowhere to nowhere.

Systems, bills, exam de do, padh lo, paise kama lo, ho gaaya yaar. That is why death is such a slap on our face. Its HP’s way of saying ‘ ab kar lo jo karna hai’. Make more money, more name, more fame, pay more bills. thoda aur bhag lo. run a little more in the mad race.

Appu has her second last exam board exam today. Do well Appu.

OK. enough ranting and raving. what needs to be done has to be done. What I need to do today is work on a proposal for Chennai (again). All we have is the approximate area to be able to estimate the costs. And an appilation form for a course in aviation needs to be filled. The rest is as the ball comes. Just keep taking shots as long as we are on the pitch. Continue playing.

Regardless of the outcome.
even if defeat is immiment.

‘To not quit’ is so much more important.

The bank, the bills, the salaries. All are here to stay (of course). Appu’s exams begin from tommorrow. We have finished the Gurgaon project and the Chennai work is on its way to completion. We have yet to clear the adhoc limit sanctioned by the bank and the service tax also needs to be paid. Can’t one just live. just be. Just breathe without the system, the rules, the regulations, the pressure to ‘do’. ‘to perform’ so to say.

I guess, we should be OK for a month. That is huge. we were earlier talking in terms of hours and days. The catch is that people think we have become big (bigger than what we were) and that is not true at all. We are just safer than we were in terms of our bread and butter. But since everyone just looks at the ‘outside’, there is absolutely nothing to be done. So we are appearing to be ‘successful’ (compared to when we were on the verge of being thrown out by the landlord). But ‘success’ is a very relative and fleeting term in this world.

So here we are. The ‘underdogs’.
Are we trying to prove a point? No. It has already been made.

Back off.

In place of ‘trying to live’, allow us to just ‘live’.

Not that any of it matters. The noise and drama I mean. What would matter is the core of our being and that little small voice within. I have to constantly remind myself that its ok. The office is running fine. We have a roof over our heads and there is food. That there is nothing to worry about. Nothing to hide. Nothing to run away from. Nothing to be scared of.

There is a meeting scheduled at the AAI and I will need to suit up,boot up and show up. Not that I am really keen to. But what has to be done, has to be done. One task at a time.

The universe is just fine. The earth is rotating. The sun is in its place. The world is going about its business. And I just need to handle what I can, for today. I cannot control anyone or anything in this world. So I should just keep the focus on what I can change and that is ‘myself’.

Sometimes just washing utensils is so much easier than handling the bigger things in life.

No crisis hovering on the horizon today except of course the ‘water’ issue in the house. That has become such a constant. Appu is having her exams ( there are more exams than teaching). But she is excited about the ‘conti party’ (whatever that means for class 12) over the weekend and of course her dance class which happens every sunday morning.

Yesterday a client suggested fudging of the data to get the desired results and it was amazing to see the teams’ response. The entire team refused to be a part of it and was ready to forego the project and the client rather than be part of the fudging. And this is a team which has gone without salary and has seen hard days. And yet not one of them is keen to take the shortcut. Very inspiring. Thank you. each one of you. I guess this is what we have earned. Although we cannot show it in the bank. Appu too, has never made any demands on me for material things and accessories. I am very grateful to her for that.

There should be an index to measure the spiritual wealth or bankruptcy of a country along with the financial figures (GDP, I think). Because it is bankruptcy in this area that leads to emotional bankruptcy with its associated emotional crimes, the consequences of which spread over decades and generations.

Baki theek hai. Theek hi hai. The online shop is ready and will be launched soon on our website. We are hoping that it will give us an international audience. And some international moolah to please the bankers. ‘people pleasing’, an extremely important trait and one we are not very good at.

Yet to discover what we are truly good at. Maybe it is too late. Maybe it is the right time. Maybe it does not matter.

Maybe all that matters is who we are being.

We have zeroed in on a few office spaces. Are just waiting for the bankers to do something about an adhoc limit to enable us to make the necessary investment for the four month deposit, shifting of infrastructure and the bare interiors. The current landlord is going haywire. Nothing to be done. It will happen when it happens. Cannot control everything (actually anything).

Appu was in a turmoil last night. She was stressed with all the stress around and the never ending problems with the banks, projects and working capital issues. She said ‘I want to die’ at one point and that was the saddest part. That I am not being able to maintain peace and sanity, for myself and her.

Another hour. Another day. This too shall pass. Schools,exams,marks,money,loan,interest,bills,identity papers, ‘THE SYSTEMS’ per se.

There is no ‘freedom’. Everything is defined. The freedom to choose what to eat and what to wear and where to work is not freedom in its ‘truest sense’.

We are but ‘existing’.

In ‘The systems’.

The second highlight is the stealing of money from the office by a ‘citibank agent’. He came for collection of the instalment and as Shivaji left him for a while to talk to me, he quietly opened the drawer and picked up the office cash lying there.  After the theft was discovered, Shivaji doubted Ramesh but on seeing the expression on Ramesh’s face, Shivaji backed off. Then the footage from the CCTV was re-played and there it was. The ‘citibank agent’ smoothly picking up the money. Cool and clean move. No second thoughts before picking up the money. Unbelievable.

Appu was up the whole night yesterday to study Maths. I wonder how she does it. She was supposed to attend the full school today but I got her back home at break time. Her paper was not brilliant and she was worried about the whining of the teachers. More than the real education, it is the teachers that students are worried about. So the driving force is not the quest for knowledge but the fear of their teachers.

I have been thinking that there should be something called an ‘emotional sabbatical’. Like we have breaks for ‘maternity’, ‘paternity’, ‘marriages’, ‘death’, we should have a break for ‘emotional instability’ or ‘ emotional inequilibrium’. I mean if one is not ‘feeling’ like working or studying, then there should be a valid break allowed. What is the point in forcing anyone to sit in the office or school when the willingness, the inspiration to work or create is not there. Basically, what I want to say is that I need a break. That is the long and short of it.

This, at a time when the office has to be changed and all that jazz about the bank and bills. When I had started the earlier company, I worked 24/7. Appu was not with me and I had chosen the night shift at an online education portal, e-gurucool.com. During the day I was in the office ( a small barsaati at the top floor) and during the night I was with e-gurucool. They had managed to get a huge funding from venture capitalists and hence the office was beautiful and in the night shift we were served dinner (highlight). The salary I got from there was diverted to the company I was trying to set up. And sometimes I would land up in the office (the barsaati) after midnight to work. The landlord would get very agitated as he had to open the main gate. But after a while he gave me a key and let me do my own thing. I guess he realized that I was a ‘mad’ person and there was no point in changing me.

Appu was not with me then although I sorely missed her. It was my decision to leave her with her father as I had no place to stay and my work was also very unstable. She has not forgiven me for that decision to date.

So, I think it would be OK to ‘not work’ for a while. ‘Justified’ hai. Truly, the mind can justify anything.

An ‘emotional sabbatical’. I need one right now.