Chandrakant Pandey has been asked to leave. He was found using the company resources, time and money for searching a better job on naukri.com. He has apologized but it is too late. Too late to restore our faith in anything and anyone. So while we are busy ensuring that the salaries get paid, the heaters work in the office and the meals are served in a clean and hygienic manner, our team is busy looking for better options. What can one say to this? Kya bol sakte hain? Best of luck Chandrakant. Let us see who turns out  to be a winner. The race is not yet over. And while you keep looking for better opportunities and jobs, you will miss what is right on front of you. All the best, nevertheless.

I think animals would be more loyal. Just that we cannot train them to do GIS. What a pity. Yes we are poor. Very poor. As a society, as a nation, as people, as a generation. We have no values, no integrity. And that is the worst form of poverty. The rest does not matter.

Altaf aaya tha. job chahiye. Mar raha hoon. Job de diya. And then what?He harmed us at the first opportunity. Chandan aaya tha. Kuch bhi nahin aata tha. Mauka diya seekhne ka. kaam karne ka. Kya kiya. Peeth piche waar kiya. Hit us behind our backs. Ritesh aaya. Jobless. Unemployed. Just a lot of gas in his ballon of ego. chance diya. Vishwas kiya. what did he do. He masterminded the hacking of our sites and e-mails to damage us and start his own company. Accha nahin kiya guys. You have just harmed the next team at GC, the next generation. In place of creating more freedom for them, you have ensured that the next team will get limited rights and limited opportunities in a limited space. You have killed the faith that we worked so hard at building and maintaining. Well done. Khush raho. Live with the history you have created. Job to mil hi jayega. Repeat your performance again. And blame GC, blame me. Thoda bojh kam ho jayega.

Focussing on building a new team. Again. And again. No idea what to look for. How to judge. Hariom is shortlisting a few candidates. He is the only team member left. Its me and him with the housekeeping staff and the guard to give us company. Good. So far so good.

Back to zero.

Zero, a good number. An auspicious number. Anything can be done with a ‘zero’. There are immense possibilities.

‘Zero’.

The next step. The growth chart. Its all hazy. Aaj to sambhal nahin raha. This day.

The payment gateway is still in limbo. Kamakhya has been asked to close it today. Let us see. Patience is the name of the game. Even if the results get announced when you reach Nigambodh Ghat. A lot of work needs to be done on PHBAAS. Specially since the Navi Mumbai airport also needs to be taken into consideration, along with the site elevations for the various grids based on the ASTER DEM contours. Dimpi is going to be working on the generation of a 3D surface today.

All is well. All will be well. I need to repeat this to myself a million times in a day to stay calm. Its alright. Work will happen. Money will come. There is no major catastrophe waiting round the corner. And no more bills for this month. My God, what a relief. (chinta mat karo beta, the next month is just ten days away!).

No news from my father. My mother, of course has been silent for a long time now. She has given up on me. Or let us say that she has given me up. I do not know which statement is more correct. My mother is a ‘Marwari’. From the land of ‘Marwar’ with varying names such as Maru, Marusthali, Marumedini, Marumandala, Marva, Marukantara, and Marudhara meaning a barren,deserted land of ‘death’. Maybe that is why life has been tough for her and for us. Maybe all in our family are from the ‘land of death’. And therefore ‘living’ is so tough for us.

From Marusthali,

The ‘land of death’.

Is it possible to be free and trapped at the same time? And vice versa, is it possible to be trapped and yet free?
Kuch pata nahin. I just need to get away. Get away from what and from whom and from where?

We have a small team and yet there is politics. There is groupism. Is it so difficult to survive as an individual? Is it so difficult to be oneself without the protection of any group? It is very painful. To not use one’s own mind despite having it. Is this how and why one stops trusting?

A lot of issues have cropped up. Meaningful and Meaningless. We may have to lose the entire team. And even if they stay, the cracks will remain. The cracks can never go. Relationships are fragile. Sometimes it takes a lifetime, sometimes entire generations to repair them.

I do not think any meaningful work has been done in the office today. Just making issues out of non-issues. But I guess that is quite a task. Sometimes I miss the fantasy of the ‘Mills&Boon’ type. A knight in shining armour on a horse sweeps you away and lo behold, all the problems just vanish! Wake up time Aparna. Face life for another day. Who knows, tommorrow is always another day. Or is it? Does anything change?

Smell the coffee.

Just do the next task as scheduled.
Tie your camel to a tree and rest.

Rest. Sounds good. Too good in fact.

And this loss triggered the memories of all the losses and abandonment experienced in the past years before and during the set up of this company. It was traumatic. And appu also got affected. Since the drama unfolded on friday evening, I was not able to work with the technical team till about 11:00 pm in the night. We began work and discussions only after that and hence the work continued till early morning on Saturday. Appu spent the night alone in the house just like in the days when the Meerut project was going on and I was in the office for many nights. We keep wondering if a time will ever come when there will be no crisis in GC and we can live in peace.

Balmiki is currently handling the Admin and hardware. The online shop continues to be in limbo. Ashok is still struggling with the set up and installation files for the first software module. So everything is in IP (In process). There is a lot of pain. Many people have tried to damage us, directly or indirectly. It saddens me. We have never tried to cause damage to anyone. And yet we are always in the firing line.

I went to attend an NA meeting last evening. But I am not being able to share. Not being able to connect to HP. Not being able to pray. Maybe just getting down on my knees will work. I wonder how God continues to have faith in mankind when we ourselves have so little faith in each other. The worst crimes on this earth have been committed by men against men.

It is a Sunday and I am trying to seek some solace from the sound of the falling rain. We need a lot of prayers to get through this phase.I guess Nigambodh ghat would be a welcome resting place compared to the rest of the world.

A resting place. Desperately need one.

Appu has turned 18 on June 22 and it has been a milestone. She has survived eighteen years on this earth with a crazy mother. She has also survived school and the current education system. Hopefully, college will not be so claustrophobic or rigid. Appu is going through her own changes. I am desperately looking for ‘alone time’. Just need to be peaceful and quiet. I think I am done with the corporate world and with running the house.
Memories, broken promises,dreams,thoughts,hopes all crashing into each other in my mind. I should be feeling grateful. ‘Dal,roti,chhat’ hai. Of course, the ‘chhat’ is ‘rented’ but nevertheless, we are not on the roads. But it is just not enough to fill the emptiness inside. The inside is a vast infinite hole and material things can never fill it.

The team has been to a studio today to record a jingle for the online shop for airing on FM. There was a lot of speculation on whether they needed to add a ‘yo’ at the end. Ankit and Ashok were very wary of adding it as it took away from the seriousness of the ‘advertising’. However, they have been persuaded by the rest of the team to go along with the flow of the current generation and hence they have given their voices to the ‘yo’ at the end of the jingle. We have not borrowed any voice for the jingle and all our team members inculding Dimpi, Narendra, Ankit,Ashok, Bhagat,Kamakhya have used their own voices. The airing of the jingle is supposed to coincide with the launching of the shop. The team spirit is high and that is what is most important. ‘Feeling successful’ always precedes ‘becoming successful’.

‘Amma’ is back in the house (Not again!). So there is apparent manageability as far as the daily running of the house is concerned. I am hoping that it is not short-lived. We will need to put up false roofs in the office to prevent water from seeping in through the windows. The monsoons are round the corner and we cannot take a chance. The landlord has refused to invest (What’s new?). So the office will be open tommorrow and Rahim will supervise the work. Rahim, the HR guy is also wearing the hat of ‘Admin’ as of now. Nothing new here. In our team, everyone wears multiple hats. That is how we are able to survive with such a small core team.

A lot is happening on the outside. Narendra is designing the newsletter. Ankit is working on the X-cart being used in the online shop. Bhagat is learning Illustrator to be able to cartograph the maps. Ashok is working on the software and Kamakhya is building the database from AIP.

Have no idea about the ‘inside’.
And the ‘inside’ is always so much more important than the ‘outside’.
But where is the time to figure that out?

Would like to conclude in the same spirit.

‘Yo team’

Sita Menon has connected with me after a long time. She was the second investor in our company (the first one being the one who paid for the domain name registration). I am glad she connected. We were roommates in IIT Delhi and we shared some very good times together. Thank you Sita, for everything. We shared beer and the travails of studying in IIT and our pain.

There is no ongoing paid project as of now. Chennai has been put on hold. So we are kind of stuck in a situation where only outgoing is happening in terms of money. There is absolutely no incoming. OK. ho jayega. It will happen. something will work out. There is abundance in the universe.

My father came to pay a visit and as usual he lied to my mother about it. He also told me about the turnover of my brother (around 7 crores) and the houses my sister has bought. About how well they are doing. I wonder why he does it. I am not in a race with them at all. He hinted that my mother may not live for very long and very stangely, I felt no pain, no sadness at all, at the mention of the possibility of her going way. For me, she left long ago. I have not experienced a mother for decades now.

It has been a fairly non-productive day. Have just been shouting and screaming at the team. No idea what drives them anymore. What drives the current generation is an enigma. Bolte kuch hain. Sochte kuch hain.karte to kuch aur hi hain. Maybe they are confused themselves. Maybe we, the older generation have confused them.

Aur hoga nahin. I think I am just creating more chaos than order. But I think a lot. And that is all I do I guess.

Maybe some order will emerge from the chaos I am creating. maybe not.
Taking a chance.

There is work. And there are bank liabilities. There are bills. And there is this yearning to be free of the trappings of just being alive. Listened to Kishori Amonkar after a long time today. I always liked her singing. Her voice always seems to be seeking the Higher Power.

Appu should be back in a day or two. Am missing her. Specially when I get back from the office in the night. She has been hearing (mostly my whining) about GC for innumerable years now. She takes care of all the online issues apart from her own studies.

Time to hand over the torch to the next gen in the relay race.

Salutations.

Mharo Pranam.

Work is happening ( as in ‘happening’). There is ‘work’. So hopefully, the ‘money’ will follow. Getting ‘respect’ would be another story altogether. ‘Respect’ is fast becoming an ‘unknown word in our lexicon.

Everyone is eagerly waiting to shift to the new office (which has a larger space). Of course a lot of work is still pending (which also means that a lot of money is still required for the makeover). And we do not wish to stop work here as there are deadlines for the projects we have undertaken.

Too much time on this earth could be detrimental. It would be nice to just experience life, do what one has to do and leave it to the younger generation to create something better and more worthwhile.

I have been thinking ( that is what I do most of the time anyway) that most of us live in a dream most of the time (just like in ‘Inception’). We live in a dream created by us for years, maybe generations at the second or third level. And it is a comfortable world. We believe what we wish to believe. The ‘reality’ is too heartbreaking, too painful. So we prefer to stay in a makebelieve world where all is well and nothing changes, day after day. Until a crisis happens to break that comfort level. And we are forced to face reality. And the facade breaks.

So maybe it is important that the facade remains intact. Of a happy family, of a successful life, of a ‘happening’ political and democratic system, of power, of being in control. The other side would be too scary to show. Just like the slums of a country or the ‘poor’ of a family. Now the poverty could be ‘financial’ or ‘emotional’. It has to be hidden. Behind lies, drugs, clothes,cars.

The ‘show’ must go on.

I guess the same happens in any group/party (political or otherwise). It is not the common traditions that bind them but the ‘common source of money and power’. And then it is difficult to stand up for what one believes in. Whatever needs to be done to stay in power, whatever needs to be done to get the moolah in is the ‘right path’. Even it means duping the citizens who voted for you, taking bribes, granting favors, even killing. All is fair in love and war. And then when the mess is huge, it is too late to get out. There is no exit route.

Hopefully, I have not chosen such a path. Even when it seems as if there is no exit route as of now, (from the myriad problems we have created), I am sure a path will emerge, with time.

Shivaji has left for a short trip to Vaishno Devi. Hopefully the blessings he brings back will touch the office too. Dimpi and Narendra will begin work on the cartosat maps from monday. Kya nahin karna padta, and all for a ‘completion certificate’. Its like to get your degree, you have to give an exam after you have given the original exam. Kuch chakkar samajh nahin ata. Jahan mauka mile, manipulate karo, use karo.  

Appu has been put on anti-depressants by the psychiatrist today. And money was stolen from the house. There are three part time helps, so cannot blame any one of them. We use no locks anywhere within the house. We have been trying to operate on ‘faith’. But I guess human beings are very frail and ‘survival’ is more important than the ‘ethics’ of an action. More than the loss of money, I guess it is the loss of faith in people which has always bothered me.

The system which conked off is still not Ok. The mother board needs to be changed. The UPS has stopped working long back. The plotter is still in the service center. The TOD is still to be cleared in the bank. And there is the pending salaries and bills. Deep breath. I guess we are the tortoises. mm by mm, chalte raho. Someday, somewhere the top of the mountain will be visible. I think that is why it is always said that the journey is more important than the ‘destination’.

I mean by the time one reaches the destination, one would have lost so much that the ‘winning’ would not be very different from ‘losing’. Maybe I am not making any sense. Most of the times I don’t make any sense anyway.

Everyone tells me, business aise hoga nahin. Duniya ke hisab se chalna padega. Maybe they are right. Maybe not. Going by the measurement of money generated, they are right but going by doing what one believes in, they are not. Dekh lete hain.  When there is nothing more to lose, there is no fear.

Many times I wish to go into a cocoon. Not interact with anyone. Not read the newspapers (the number of ads/lies irks me). Every line, every article is written to grab your attention somehow. When I used to conduct ‘Time Managment’ workshops on behalf of  the ‘Times Of India’ in schools, the kids would always ask me, why are mostly womens’ photographs printed on the first page of ‘Delhi Times’? And why are they mostly nude? or close to nude? I always felt cornered. I mean, here I was talking about ‘mission statements’ and the newspaper on whose behalf I was taking the workshop was printing stuff just to increase their circulation. Kya bol sakte ho? Just like a ‘pornography’ magazine in France has been able to takeover a leading national newspaper with a very good reputation for presenting the facts. Money has no ‘color’. Kahin se bhi aye, aane do. How can we blame the current generation for anything? The foundation has been laid by us.

Pain hai. But there are no painkillers for that kind of emotional pain. And I cannot drink. Anymore. I have finished my quota long back. It is strange that there are so many painkillers for all kinds of physical pain but nothing for the emotional pain that causes all the physical ailments.

‘Nigambodh ghat’ mein to jagah mil hi jayegi.

‘The final destination’. For each one of us. After all the drama and dance and music is over. Silence will prevail.

‘Dust thou art , and unto dust shalt thou return.’

The turnover of the company should look good ( number crunching exercise with some manipulations thrown in for greater effect). Sometimes it can backfire like in the case of Satyam guys. I guess they went overboard with the manipulation. The turnovers were all fake. But they were real for a number of years. The common man believed them. The banks believed them. They looked good you see.

Similarly, in our lives, we just fake everything, our feelings , emotions, relationships just to look good. ‘Feeling good’ is secondary. ‘Looking good’ is the ‘be all and end all’. Our family may be dysfunctional but its not OK to talk about it. There may be abuse of all kinds in the family but the message always is, push it under the carpet. If there is alcoholism or some other addiction in the family, don’t ever talk about it. In fact assume that it does not exist. Just ‘act’ normal.

How much damage this ‘looking good’ business causes.

But maybe ‘feeling good’ may mean letting secrets out, showing the real me, standing in the sunlight just as I am with all my faults and foibles and that would be scary man. Very scary. What if everyone rejected me?

So hiding is next best option. Act as if. Act as if evertything is OK. Act as if there is nothing wrong. And do this for a generation till it becomes a false reality for the next generation and the cycle of ‘acting good’, abuse, addiction continues over the next few generations till someone decides not to look good.

The choices we make are never easy. But I guess for me today ‘feeling good is definitely more important’.

Whatever the cost may be. Anyway, there is nothing more to lose.

‘All is quiet on the western front’