Looking for what? Leaders? Leadership? You must be joking right. I mean we take all these degrees to get a good job ( good job=f( package,comfort,fixed time,no control)).Right. Ab Kya karen? We cannot work with tenders where all the low quality work happens and degrees or no degrees, one can get away with murder. Or on all the outsourced projects from the US and UK which only dole out the manually shitty jobs ( even if they pay in dollars, technically the jobs are very manual in nature) that they themselves do not wish to do. So we are trying to carve out a niche for ourselves. To develop and integrate technologies for an application sector. But that needs us to use our brains, to enter the non-newtonian frame of reference in terms of time, to submerge ourselves in soaking in new knowledge, new skills. Aur kiske paas itna motivation aur patience hai? And if we can get away with low quality jobs, kyun bhankas karna hai? Live and let live. Take a good package and become a good package oneself. Look good in the world. It does not matter how we actually feel at the end of the day.
It is difficult for us to achieve anything spectacular in our country. Since the focus is not on pushing the topline up, it is almost always on pulling the bottomline up. So we are constantly working on poverty, education for all, female foeticide, basic health. And with a large poplulation all the solutions we think of are low quality or politicized. So they do not make any significant difference to the lives of millions. So with all our hogwash and good intentions, neither are we able to pull the bottomline up and neither are we able to push the topline up. So we stay in between. All the time. And we kill those who even try to cross the topline. How dare they? When so many are suffering and are below the bottomline. So either all go below the bottomline, which is easier or all go above the topline,which is next to impossible. So while we applaud acheivers internationally, we make sure that the system in our country ensures the death of any creativity, any intelligent spark, any tendency to be different in any individual. And we all become losers and blame each other.
There is pain. And there is a sense of powerlessness. We truly cannot change anyone. The only person we can change is ourself. But how can a single person execute a project? It is not like climbing a mountain and yet figuratively that is what it is. So what we need is a team willing to climb Mt. Everest. A team wanting to win. But where do we look?
Appu is struggling for attendance. She waits for me, sleeps late, cannot get up on time for her classes and invaribaly does not get attendance in the early morning class. But why is attendance even important at the college level. As Appu rightly says, Isn’t ‘Attention’ more important than ‘Attendance’? What if one is just sitting in class and chatting on facebook?
Life is moving at its own pace. There is loneliness. There is fear. There is anger.
We are so busy doing all the unimportant things that the important ones just never get done.
Bills. Salaries. Focus karo. Life’s philosophy will not pay a single bill. If that were the case, there would have been no prostitutes in any part of the world. Focus.
God. How the hell do people make millions? Scams, Drug Dealing? We are at the surviving stage continuously and consistently.
Focus. At least till a miracle happens.
A miracle.
On this Earth
Walkout in a group (bhed chaal), definitely provides one moment of glory. One moment of feeling important. Gives that one moment of revenge. A high. But after that there is still a life to face, a career to build and the real issues. Because the real issues do not walk out of our lives just like that. And definitely not in a group! I think ‘bhed chaal’, is the only way we have learnt to live. Do what the other person is doing. Follow the crowd. It is an easier softer option and also provides acceptability in the group, which after all is extremely important. If we do not have a backbone and also have no group to back us, how the hell do we stand up. The mission of the group is immaterial. It could be political. It could be religious. It could be just plain fury and revenge. The mission does not matter. What matters is that the consequences of the actions of a ‘group’ can go unpunished. It is difficult to assign blame to any one person in a group. So everyone can get away. Cause damage and run away.
We are taking an inventory of the time, money and resources available to us. Together with the interviews. And the daily administrative jobs. Got a call from an existing client in Mumbai today. It always feels good. To know that the client is happy with our work.
Maybe we are ready for the next level in terms of technical proficiency and mature professionals. We are ready for a more mature and experienced team with less groupism. It is all for the best. We also have a lot of negative comments coming in. Which means that we have a lot of well wishers! Good. Nobody kicks a dead dog. The more negative the comments, the greater will be our drive to move ahead.
The salaries for this month have been paid (ok, huge sigh of relief), even though it has meant losing the entire team just after payday. At least some of the bills have been paid. The excel sheet is still intimidating and Diwali is just round the corner but we have never truly gifted expensive things to anyone. Be it the bankers, the clients or our team members. We always make a gesture, however small and that is about it. Hopefully, we will be able to manage this year also. The gifts, the diyas and the puja. For the first time in many years, Appu is going to be here on ‘Choti Diwali’ and that is huge. I mean we will light some diyas together before she leaves for Kashipur the next day.
There is a sense of betrayal. It is getting more and more difficult to have faith in people. That is and has been the biggest loss. I lost faith in my family a long time ago. And now I am losing faith in people. Looking for bread in a hardware store.
OK. I just need to focus on this hour, this day for now. The rest will fall in place. I need to feel alright before I embark on a journey to get everything else alright. To feel spiritually complete. More than any other poverty, it is spiritual poverty which is the biggest silent killer.
I think I should invite God over to lunch some day. You know, like for a chat maybe. Its just getting very unmanageable out here.
On this Earth.