Tag: hell


The outside seems OK. We are performing everyday. The office is being cleaned. The projects are being executed with as much precision as possible. And yet the insides are all messed up. The abandonement issues are cropping up churning my insides and crippling me emotionally. Is there any assigned place and time for grieving one’s emotional losses? Dard ko mehsoos karne ke liye koi jagah ya waqt ho sakta hai? Jeevan ki raftaar itni tez ho gayee hai ki apne aap se milne ka bhi waqt nahin hai. My parents left me emotionally, physically and spiritually to fend for myself. I was not the daughter they wanted me to be. Appu’s father, my ex-husband left me as I was not the wife he wanted me to be. Because I could not tolerate the drinking and the constant financial crises that were a part of the effect of alcoholism in our house. My ex in-laws never bothered to find out whether I was alive or dead. And now Appu feels that I have not been the mother she would have liked me to be, as I have been so focussed on GC, work and being self supporting financially. So I guess I have lost personally on all fronts. That makes me a loser I guess.

That’s my truth. Ugly or beautiful. Take it or leave it. And that is why everything is so mixed up for me. Love, dis-respect, abuse, abandonment. All seem to be part of a package deal. Cannot seem to distinguish one from the other.

‘Elections’: The biggest business of our times. It is a shame, what our so called ‘leaders’ have stooped to? There are no leaders today. Leaders were people like ‘Bhagat Singh’ who were ready to lay down their lives for their beliefs, their values, for the re-structuring of the country. Abhi kahaan hain woh breed? It is no more. Culture, respect, ethics, all are slaughtered publicly to win the game. For what is it but a game? With loud music, drama, noise, jokers,villains. Real change happens silently. True leadership does not need trumpets to announce its leadership.

The malls, the cars, the money is increasing along with the poverty of the mind and soul. Soon the bankruptcy will be so great that in place of ID cards, we will be carrying our bank statements to prove our existence.

Where the hell are we going guys?

Is there no way to stop this juggernaut which is moving towrads self-destruction?

Or we have yet to hit our rock bottom?

Questions. And more questions.

At least let us keep questioning.






‘And why’

Work has begun in the newly leased office space. It is bareshell and a lot of renovation,fabrication,interior wok needs to be done to make it operational. Quite a job. Appu is coordinating with the architects and contractors and that is a major burden off my head. The biggest challenge facing us is that of building a good team. A team which has this ‘stuff of leadership’ one keeps hearing about. The stuff dreams are made of. We have a dream. A fantasy.

I think it is time we re-defined ‘poverty’. Poverty is not about having ‘nothing’. It is about having ‘everything’ and yet wanting ‘more’ by any means. It is about dis-respecting women and children. It is about hiding our true selves and presenting a painted mask to the world just to look good. It is about not confronting the truth for fear of loss of wealth or chair, even if it is staring us in the face. It is about producing bad quality work and getting away by saying that we are not educated enough. It is about selling our souls to make money fast. So the rich are sometimes poorer than the poorest. And the poor are often times richer than the richest. Bahut complicated hai.

We are also a country driven by bottomlines. Ten years ago it was ‘roti,kapda,makan’. And even today it the basics. The politics of this country is driven by the bottomline. Add to it ‘daaru’. So if the would be netas ( really?) offer khana,kapda and/or daaru, the promise of a few square feet of land, they get the votes. To achhi sarkar kahan se banegi? We are the ones selling our own futures so cheap. Whom can we blame? And the money to provide all this comes from the corporates. And hence politics becomes business. Based on M&M. Money and Muscle power. Mike par speech dene se koi neta thodi ban jaata hai. We have no leaders today. We have no one to look up to. That is a poverty that cannot be redeemed. Our younger generation is busy trying out the western culture. Whether it is clothes, lifestyle, drinking, smoking, girlfriends or easy money, they want it all and now. No spark. All plastic. I guess we are responsible. This is what we have created. Plastic people. Plastic money.

Where is the topline? What kind of a nation do we wish to be? What are the qualities we wish to live by? What do we wish to be known for? Can we just become clean for a change? Manage the garbage and drainage? Ensure clean water supply to all before creating more malls? Ensure enough parking space and open space before allowing more cars on the already overcrowded roads? Do good work in place of just trying to look good? We do not donate organs, we do not donate time and we certainly do not donate goodwill. Are we really human? The lawyers and judges are worse than prostitutes. Yes. The courts are worse than the so called red light areas where thousands queue up to buy and sell souls everyday.

More than money, we need to generate and achieve self-respect today. As a nation. As individuals.

So that our children do not turn around and ask us:

‘What the hell have you done?’

‘And why?’


The ‘R’

Holi is over.

The best part of Holi this year has been the gujiyas made by Appu. All by herself. With no help at all.  Well done bebzer. Very proud of you.

Appu has gone to be with her grandparents and father to celebrate Holi. After a long time. I sincerely hope that she has a good time. Living with me has made her life very stressful. On all fronts.

The constitution of the Appellate Committee has ensured a certain transparency and consistency in the height clearance projects at AAI. Very welcome indeed. The work front is getting better. Of course the volume of bills are also increasing. And their amount. So I guess it is a constant crazy race to match the two.

Rishtey? C’ommon, you should have grown up by now. Economics ki baat karen?Care and concern. Which product do you wish to sell bhaiya? Care and Concern toh advertisements mein hi dikhta hai.What madness. Money. And more money. Quite a chakravyuh. And we are so happy enmeshed in it. We do not even wish to get out before we die.

Team. Oh yes, the team. The winning team. Pehle team to bana lo. Winning to baad ki baat hai. Why the hell are you so sarcastic man? Koshish kar rahen hain. Dekh rahen hain aap. We are trying. For a long time buddy. It has been years. There again, The sarcasm. Yaar time lagta hai. ATM machine to nahin hai. Ki kaam dalo aur success nikalo. Everything takes time. At least the good things.

At some point we wish to be out of this madness. How? No idea.

But we do wish to get out. Before it is too late. before we get completely sucked in. Maybe it is already too late.

very scary thought. Too late for what?

For restoration of the soul,mind,body. Foe resurrection. For recovery.

The ‘R’.




Only and lonely

Kuch nahin badlega.

Why are you even trying? yeh desh aise hi chalega. Be a part of the system or the system will kill you. Throw you out. Make you a pariah.

That is quite disappointing. I mean what about education and research and development and justice and goodness. Of course the words exist. Maybe, just maybe, even the meaning exists  as long as the system is not threatened. The keywords are ‘as long as the system is not threatened’. The moment any research, any thought, any goodness so much as even poses a threat to the existing set-up, all hell breaks loose. The catalyst of change is looked down upon, stripped of social acceptance and made a pariah.

I guess that is what has happened to us.  Overtly and covertly. None of the AAI officials are keen to talk to us. Forget about talking, they do not wish to take our calls or see our face.

Aur sach bolo. You wish to survive or bring about a revolution.  Kya mission statement hai bhai. Then what is the point of education if it is ultimately controlled by politics, by what is redundant. Of course that is a good question. What is the point of education?? of degrees? Simple jawaab hai. To get a job. To get a salary, to obey the rules and to get a certificate of honor, a raise now and then. Look, this is getting depressing. Let us focus on the problem of others, other countries, other people. At least we will forget our own pain for a while.

Bahut bolna, bahut sochna is a disease. Needs treatment. Specially in this part of the world.

Akele rah jayoge. All alone.

Only and lonely.


A miracle

Looking for what? Leaders? Leadership? You must be joking right. I mean we take all these degrees to get a good job ( good job=f( package,comfort,fixed time,no control)).Right. Ab Kya karen? We cannot work with tenders where all the low quality work happens and degrees or no degrees, one can get away with murder. Or on all the outsourced projects from the US and UK which only dole out the manually shitty jobs ( even if they pay in dollars, technically the jobs are very manual in nature) that they themselves do not wish to do. So we are trying to carve out a niche for ourselves. To develop and integrate technologies for an application sector. But that needs us to use our brains, to enter the non-newtonian frame of reference in terms of time, to submerge ourselves in soaking in new knowledge, new skills. Aur kiske paas itna motivation aur patience hai? And if we can get away with low quality jobs, kyun bhankas karna hai? Live and let live. Take a good package and become a good package oneself. Look good in the world. It does not matter how we actually feel at the end of the day.

It is difficult for us to achieve anything spectacular in our country. Since the focus is not on pushing the topline up, it is almost always on pulling the bottomline up. So we are constantly working on poverty, education for all, female foeticide, basic health. And with a large poplulation all the solutions we think of are low quality or politicized. So they do not make any significant difference to the lives of millions. So with all our hogwash and good intentions, neither are we able to pull the bottomline up and neither are we able to push the topline up. So we stay in between. All the time. And we kill those who even try to cross the topline. How dare they? When so many are suffering and are below the bottomline. So either all go below the bottomline, which is easier or all go above the topline,which is next to impossible. So while we applaud acheivers internationally, we make sure that the system in our country ensures the death of any creativity, any intelligent spark, any tendency to be different in any individual. And we all become losers and blame each other.

There is pain. And there is a sense of powerlessness. We truly cannot change anyone. The only person we can change is ourself. But how can a single person execute a project? It is not like climbing a mountain and yet figuratively that is what it is. So what we need is a team willing to climb Mt. Everest. A team wanting to win. But where do we look?

Appu is struggling for attendance. She waits for me, sleeps late, cannot get up on time for her classes and invaribaly does not get attendance in the early morning class. But why is attendance even important at the college level. As Appu rightly says, Isn’t ‘Attention’ more important than ‘Attendance’? What if one is just sitting in class and chatting on facebook?

Life is moving at its own pace. There is loneliness. There is fear. There is anger.
We are so busy doing all the unimportant things that the important ones just never get done.

Bills. Salaries. Focus karo. Life’s philosophy will not pay a single bill. If that were the case, there would have been no prostitutes in any part of the world. Focus.
God. How the hell do people make millions? Scams, Drug Dealing? We are at the surviving stage continuously and consistently.

Focus. At least till a miracle happens.

A miracle.

‘This Earth’

It is quite a job. To be a woman. To be constantly aware of the fact that at any moment, anyone can trespass our boundaries. Emotional or Physical. It is quite a scary thought and to constantly live with it can be very tiring and exhausting. Just behind the thin veneer of liberty, equality and freedom for women is this stark, brutal reality of being inferior to men. The moment we step out of the defined boundaries , there is hell to pay. In the family, in the society, in our professional lives and in the world at large. I guess that is why we are struggling with the bank so much. I am a woman and I have no land. There cannot be a worse combination. Add to it the lack of a ‘man’ behind me. pathetic. It is very difficult for the bankers to trust me with large amounts of money. Even though we have been paying the installments consistently. Even though our performance has been consistent, if not mind blowing or path breaking.

I do not know what the Higher Power has in mind for me. The HP’s intentions are not very clear to me as of now. To give in or to stand up. I was recently able to attend an NA meeting and a member shared how his daughters had no toilet to go to. How they did not dare to venture out in the night for relieving themselves as they could be molested or raped in the fields. So they have to wait the entire night until dawn breaks for going to the fields.  One of his daughters is now living with us and I have no idea how we could make her life better and if at all such a possibility exists. This is the development of our country if you may please. This is the reality behind the malls, the glitz and glamour of high technology gizmos. sachhai dekh lo yaar. Before it is too late. Maybe it already is too late.

We need to invest in the technology of ‘Photogrammetry’. So we are looking at the universe to open up sources for the funds and energy required. The stereo satellite images ordered for a specific project have not yet arrived. We are a unique country. Everything takes time. Even time takes time.

We continue to look for leaders. As I mentioned earlier, we are constantly in recruitment mode now. There is nothing much to say. There is fear. Constantly lurking behind as a backdrop in the mind and heart. Need large doses of faith here.

Choose between faith and money. Well?

I mean what about both. Or is there a guarantee that faith could lead to money and vice versa?

Just go to hell. But we are already in hell. I mean we are on this earth which is like hell.

‘This Earth’.

‘To be content’

OK. Hold your breath. This one is unbelievable (but when have believable things happened with us?). The payment gateway of the shop has been successfully integrated and it is working fine!! Just when we had given up hope of it ever working fine. Just when we thought that our e-commerce venture would go down the drain, that it would never work with all the technical glitches and the  fiasco with the last team( I mean so many have happened, right!). So the shop is technically and financially open and we should be in business soon( I mean not even one of our maps has been sold as yet but what the hell).

Thanks to Hariom and Gagan ( who has recently joined and is a fresher). Thank you guys. For winning this one.

Hariom is also very near to testing the logic to be used in the software for the calculations with reference to the surfaces and the instruments for a single airport. Chandrakant is doing some reverse engineering for a site in Mumbai and he will also need to visit it very soon to collect a few coordinates. Amit has joined us in accounts and OmPrakash in administration. Let us see. Fingers crossed as always. The beginning is good. I have already shouted once (or maybe twice) and they have not quit. Hope is a good thing anyway.

It is so difficult for us to just manage the office ,bills,clients,meals. Wonder how HP manages the earth with its rotation and every miniscule life on it. It would be good to exchange notes with HP. I mean free of cost of course. Why would HP charge us? It is only man who cannot think of anything without charging.

A lot of potential team members are reading the blog. Sone pe suhaga. I mean why would they like to join after knowing all the nitty gritties of GC? A million dollar question. Kya hoga tera kaaliya. I hope it cannot get any worse. That the worst is over ( we have said that many times in the past too).

I don’t think I am writing intelligent stuff. I should pack up. One of the tyres in my car is punctured and that will need changing before I can reach home, hopefully before the time freezed by Appu which is 1:30 pm ( in the night of course). The team packed up early today (which means by 9:30pm) and that is amazing. They have only been able to leave by 11:30pm or 12:30pm in the past few  months.

‘Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence,

And I am learning, whatever state I am in,

therein to be content.’ – Helen Keller

‘To herald new beginnings’

Debt, equity,funding, venture capital,angel investor, angel. Angel, where is the angel? Dur dur tak koi angel nahin hai (Please look carefully yaar, maybe we cannot see the angel). My brain got jammed last night. Too may equations with too many variables. Multivariate analysis. Just needed  a cocoon of silence. Could not connect with Appu also.

What the hell do we really want in our lives. Money, name, fame,sex,power? lal batti ki gadi? VIP treatment? What do we want? For GC to grow, getting known publicly, have excess money? No, we wish to be self supporting. emotionally, spiritually and financially. For Appu to be happy and free. For us to be able to live with self respect. And to reach here, what a path we have to follow. And how difficult it becomes on a day to day basis. Forget the day. On a moment to moment basis.

Still struggling with the payment gateway integration for the online shop. We were planning to make the shop completely functional before the arrival of the New Year. But HP has to step in now. Cannot do anything to control the outcome/s of events in our life. Jab hoga tab hoga. Read Chapter 15 of ‘Bhagwaad Gita’. Very useful in such times. And anyway good things take time. Hariom needs to read the guidelines. So does Chandrakant. I have done some shouting and screaming in the office regarding the issue. Hopefully, it will have some effect for at a least a short while. Unless we have all become shameless. Ritesh is still here. Chandan is committed  to getting the shop moving with the constituency maps for the upcoming assembly elections. Best of luck Chandan. Keep the energy flowing.

‘Tenders’, dekh lo yaar. Take a look. At least try and bid again in one of them. Very unwanted path. Dekh lete hain. We will see. Worse come to worst. Shove come to push. We will have to do what it takes. To live.

New Year, party, celebration. All for just passing the time. True celebration would be of the spirit. In aloneness. In quietness. In peace.

Celebration of the spirit.

To herald new beginnings.

‘Some goodness somewhere’

There are differences within the team and it is extremely painful. What can one do about ego differences, about being right all the time? We sat in the office late in the night, trying to have a dialogue, trying to find a solution to an insurmountable problem. I do not know if we have succeeded. I do not know if we ever will. ‘Greatness’ is very hard to find. Most of us believe in ‘talking’ rather than ‘working’. It was an ego hassle which ultimately led to the partition of India. Ego hassle between Jinnah and Nehru maybe. That is how destructive it is and yet we are not able to let it go. Ladh lete hein. Let us fight and destroy each other. So we are not a team as yet. We are a few individuals trying to work separately, but under the same roof. Very devastating.

Appu is not well and I am not being able to give her the extra love and attention she needs. Amma is also not well so the cooking is up to me today (if the phone remains silent for a while). I wonder if I remember much of it. But again what has to be done has to be done. Maybe it will help bust the stress that has built up over the last few days (it has been months or years now). And just when one is dealing with all these seemingly urgent issues, there are these irritating mails about celebrating new years’ eve on the beaches of Goa. yaar, let us be. Saala yahaan jaan nikal rahi hai with the overload of bills and the disintegration of the team and all the travel agencies can talk about are the lovely time we could have on the beaches. Itna shauk hai to khud chale jaao apna paisa kharch karke. Leave us alone. Everything today is about marketing, marketing, marketing. Even when we are on our deathbed, we might just get a call promising us a safe stay in heaven or hell if we could get ourselves insured!

Nothing big on the horizon, as yet. Fingers crossed. As always. Struggle within and struggle without. The biggest battle is within ourselves. The biggest hurdle and challenge is ‘we’ ourselves. And yet we keep trying to prove to the world outside.

The awards, the accolades, the looking good.

And in the end,
Desperately looking for some goodness somewhere.

Some goodness somewhere.

‘Peedha mein anand’

And our case rests.
Chandan is not scared of the additional responsibilities. Lack of fear is a good starting point. Chandrakant is also holding on. And Ashok is trying to connect the dots. Trying to create some covalent bonding in the team. Churning. And more churning. And yet more churning. At the end of it we will be like 99.99% pure distilled precipitates. Till then.
I was on a cheque signing spree in the office yesterday. Of course with no money in the bank. As yet. I mean it will come. Hopefully. Anyway, everything is about speculation. Everything, every event, every action is about ‘possibilities’. Even ‘life’ itself is about speculation. The odds of being alive against the odds of dying any moment. That is what we play with every second.
‘Religion’ is for people who do not wish to go to hell. And ‘spirituality’ is for people who have been to hell and back. I think similarly ‘GC’ is for people who have seen the ‘downside’ of ‘meaningless work’, ‘ lack of freedom’ and the ‘shit’ of a mundane routine with no challenges and no ‘vision’. It is not an experience which everyone can enjoy or appreciate.

I really love the following lines from the poem ‘Madhushala’ of ‘Harivansh Rai Bachhan’.

‘Madiralay jaane ko ghar se chalta hai peenewala,
Kis path se jaoon, asmanjas mein hai woh bhola bhala,
Alag alag path batlaate sab, par mein ye batlata hoon,
Raah pakad tu ek musafir, pa jayeega madhushala,

And last but not the least:

‘peedha mein anand jise ho, aye meri madhushala’.

‘Peeda mein anand jise ho’.


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