And so I wonder.

Dimpi, Bhagat and Narendra have taken on the responsibility of shaping up the online shop before August 8, 2011, the launch date freezed for the shop. We have requested Paul and Adam to check the working of the paypal account since it is showing an error. We tried buying one of our own maps and the transaction did not get completed. The money transaction is important. At the end of the day. It is the only measure by which success is measured in the outside world.

I think I am done with the corporate world. Even without making loads of money. The whole process is quite meaningless (But I think I am saying that today because the office rent can be paid). Its amazing how philosophical words can be understood once the basics are in place.

I have placed a small tulsi plant on my table. Just some way of connecting with HP. The bird who has built a nest in one of the trees in our courtyard is very protective of her babies. The eggs have hatched and I was just trying to peep into the nest today to take a look and the bird flew around my head making a loud sound. I got the message and retreated.I was just thinking that, when even the birds are so protective of their children, how is it that my mother could just abandon me. Never got any answer to that. And I guess I never will.

Ashok is planning to finish the first basic distance module by friday. Bhagat and Balram have also defined their deadlines. Dimpi and Narendra will work on the interface. So far so good. We are all trying. ‘Trying sound good’. But it is never good enough for this world. After all we have been trying for several years now. It never worked in the outside world. The bankers said they only understand money. The landlord said that he only understands rent.
So we have to do better than trying. We have to do the ‘best’ in whatever it is that we choose to do.

Need to lessen the noise around me. It is so easy to create a lot of noise and hide one’s true self behind it. Hide our true feelings, intentions and soul. The noise becomes a cover up for the real ‘us’. And with time the real ‘us’ is lost. Only the ‘cover up’ remains.

And the ‘cover up’ covers us up completely.

Appu wants me to be happy. Now that is a tougher task than making money or even being just alive. Happiness is an inside job and inside jobe are kind of complex in a simple way (now I am making it sound complicated). I mean one can fake happiness but to be truly happy,joyous would be difficult. To give up the masks,to clean the clutter, to live simply would take a lot of courage. Its easier to hide behind work,accolades,material things,routine,something,anything to appear busy. Multiple lives,multiple masks,multiple tasks and all for a single life. Very unbalanced I must say.

Kundan celebrates his 6th recovery birthday this saturday and he wishes to receive the token and card from me. That is a huge honor. I mean I am not used to getting so much respect. Never got it from my family you see. I told him that it would be a problem but he is adamant about it. OK. So I will go and experience what it is to feel ‘respect’.

The ‘sever’ in the office needs to work like a ‘server’ so that the backup of the data can be maintained. There is a need for a new machine ( wonder it it is a ‘need’ or a ‘want’). I guess all is well or is appearing to be well, for now. The quiet before the storm or the part of the iceberg that is below the water and hence is not visible.

What am I trying to say here? No idea. Am I saying anything at all.

To communicate in silence is so much more powerful.

I did feel a pang of guilt for hurting him but I needed to do this for myself. To stand up for myself.

We are also thinking of installing CCTV in the office since I am able to reach only by afternoon after taking care of various other jobs and having my lunch. All the indiscipline and mayhem happens in that part of the day. ALthough it is painful. To distrust your own team members, for me is not a good feeling. To start with distrust is disconcerting. But the unmanageability has happened so many times that there seems to be no other way. Neither can I reach office in the morning just to monitor everybody like a dictator.

It is sad that most of us cannot handle freedom, money, responsibility. We are so used to controlling and being controlled. We are so used to manipulating for small amounts of money. Just cannot see the big picture.

Be there.

The turnover of the company should look good ( number crunching exercise with some manipulations thrown in for greater effect). Sometimes it can backfire like in the case of Satyam guys. I guess they went overboard with the manipulation. The turnovers were all fake. But they were real for a number of years. The common man believed them. The banks believed them. They looked good you see.

Similarly, in our lives, we just fake everything, our feelings , emotions, relationships just to look good. ‘Feeling good’ is secondary. ‘Looking good’ is the ‘be all and end all’. Our family may be dysfunctional but its not OK to talk about it. There may be abuse of all kinds in the family but the message always is, push it under the carpet. If there is alcoholism or some other addiction in the family, don’t ever talk about it. In fact assume that it does not exist. Just ‘act’ normal.

How much damage this ‘looking good’ business causes.

But maybe ‘feeling good’ may mean letting secrets out, showing the real me, standing in the sunlight just as I am with all my faults and foibles and that would be scary man. Very scary. What if everyone rejected me?

So hiding is next best option. Act as if. Act as if evertything is OK. Act as if there is nothing wrong. And do this for a generation till it becomes a false reality for the next generation and the cycle of ‘acting good’, abuse, addiction continues over the next few generations till someone decides not to look good.

The choices we make are never easy. But I guess for me today ‘feeling good is definitely more important’.

Whatever the cost may be. Anyway, there is nothing more to lose.

‘All is quiet on the western front’