Tag: Hindi

Lease for 24 hours

End of the day. Very hectic. Two meetings ( as if a lot is achieved in meetings), one conference call and in the end a discussion with the team. I hope we have achieved the ‘aaj ki dhyadi’ today. Labourers that we are in the realm of GIS. We have to earn our daily bread. The traffic, the noise, the road rage. The intolerance of people. The lies. The manipulations. That is where the real tiredness lies. Not in the actual work.

We are nearly done with the pre-feasibility reports of a few sites. Chandan has uploaded the UP district maps in hindi along with their scale, description and price. Waiting for the first sale to happen on the online shop. Hariom is finding his feet and has inched forward in the application we are developing using open source GIS. That is a huge breakthrough. Just the fact that we are moving forward and are not stuck, at least technically. Emotionally and financially, there are still miles to cover.

We have found a decent cook for the office and everyone is happy about the quality of food being served (Thank God!). The rats are being taken care of and the office is clean. Quite an achievement.

We are approaching the end of the month (Do I need a reminder?). And that means the beginning of next month. Need I say anymore. The excel sheet is damn scary. The outgoing being much higher than the incoming (which is a trickle). Time to hand over. Surrender. Time to just get on my knees and ask for a miracle. Again (How many times can God do a miracle for us?).
There are successful people all around. Seems like they have it all. But cannot compare their outsides with our insides. They have their race to run and we have ours. There is no competition at all. Hence no need for feeling resentful. We are where we are supposed to be. period. Take it or leave it.

I am glad the day is over for today. Have not been feeling too well since morning. Appu also needs a visit to the doctor for her toe which has been hurting since she went to Pune for her performance. Tommorrow. Tommorrow is always another day.

Another lease for 24 hours.

24 hours.

signifying nothing

The most dangerous state is of being there and yet not being there. of being available and yet not being available. of being alive and yet being dead. Ironic. Strange. You bet. It is very strange that to win the world we lose ourselves and if we need to find ourselves, we have to let go of the world. That in a crowd, we are alone and when we are alone, we are not truly alone. chakkar pe chakkar.

There has been some movement vis a vis work this month. A few calls, a few possibilities. That in itself is huge after a slowdown of about three months. Another article about our work has been published in the quarterly journal of CREDAI, the real estate developer’s association. I mean here we are, with not an inch of land but working for all the ‘landed guys’, so to say. Our Higher Power has a great sense of humour.

Back to the basics. Chandan is collecting all the data related to the online shop which is currently scattered all over the PC’s. Chandrakant is mailing the newsletter to the clients. Ashok has begun working on a web based model for the application under discussion. And the hate mail continues. That I am not ok. That I can never build a team. Normal stuff. roz ki baat hai. Heard it before. Many times. Maybe we do not need a team. Only leaders who can work alone. and lead. And are winners.

Thakaan hai. There is tiredness, not so much from work (or the lack of it) but from trying to make people work. Also it is difficult to ensure the smooth running of the house and office. To see that meals are cooked three times a day in the office and that the food is hygienic and clean and warm. It takes huge effort and I wish the we could respect that. It would be good to have a place to just grieve. A place to be alone. To be able to cry in peace. Even that is quite a luxury. because one cannot cry anywhere and then where is the time to even cry. ‘looking good’ takes up so much of our time. ‘Space’ and ‘time’. Very difficult combination.

We are learning how to change the slideshow on the interface of the shop. And the flash file of the photographs. Actually Appu is doing it. Earlier we were creating the flash file without editing the photographs. Now she has done it after editing and the results are amazing. Thanks bebzer.

Weekend. Rations. Atta,dal,chawal. Oh no. Oh yes. It has to be done. Again. Weekend should not be about the rations. Weekends should be about music, dance, theatre. Zindagi ka drama to sambhal lo pehle.

‘Zindagi ka drama’

Sounds like a nice title for a hindi movie complete with ‘sound and fury’, signifying nothing.

Signifying nothing.

With gratitude

We have been able to submit the CMYK films for the Hindi Atlas to NATMO, with a letter requesting them to at least acknowledge our company in the prints to be rolled out. At least we have asked for what is due to us. This itself is huge. We had to learn to ask for what is due to us. It was a difficult learning process. It is so much easier to just let things be. Its the easier softer path. Jo ho raha hai, hone do. By default. Letting life run ‘by default’ can be debilitating.

In our family, looking good was everything. The insides could be churning and you could be in a lot of emotional pain but as long as you looked good on the outside, everything was fine. So for a long time I believed that I could get away in life by just ‘looking good’. It was only when I fell flat on my face in every area of my life that I realized and accepted that ‘feeling good’ was so much more important. It was then that the focus shifted from the ‘outside’ to the ‘inside’.

We are off today. Man, it does feel good. A long weekend. Everyone is working long hours during the five working days to compensate for this ‘long weekend’. Willingly. Without any external force. Work is being done without the application of any external force. That’s like defyng Newtons’ second law of motion. But we can defy anything. GC is a rebel. Everyone in GC from top to bottom has no choice but to be a leader, be different, live alone,work alone.

The contractors working in the office did bother me in the morning (khopri ghum gai) for a while. But I came back to the equilibrium state very fast. Narendra has committed to giving a treat to all of us on Monday in lieu of the increment he has received (by the way it has been pending for too long guys) so I have been asked to keep my mood normal (meaning by default that I am mostly in a bad mood, what a compliment!)

Akshay called. He had worked me when I had started the last company (It sounds as if I started many companies and by that rate I should have been a business tycoon by now, what a joke that is) in a small room (duchatti). It was very hot in the summers as it was on the second floor and we had no money for an AC. And we had to give training to two professors of SPA (School of Planning and Architecture). So we hung ‘khus ka pardas’ and it was Akshays’ duty to sprinkle water on them every two hours to keep the room cool (making use of the evaporation effect). He says he can never forget that (also that he worked with me). He also reminded me that I had once thrown a glass at him (how pathetic?) I apologized to him but he said that, that is what he missed. He felt he was part of a family when I shouted at him. Thats a completely new perspective for me.

On my knees. This time with gratitude.
For all that has been given. For all that has not been given. And for all that has been taken away or lost.


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