An overwhelming response to our need for a team. We have had people applying from various parts of the country and at various stages of their career. To each one of them, I would like to say ‘thank you’. Regardless of whether we could forge a relationship or not. Thank you very much for applying. For showing interest in GC. And to all the Gen-X out there I would like to say, ‘forget about the package’, ‘the deal’. We cannot make a deal of our life. If we can just let go and work and learn, there is no way that the benefits will not grow. But to restrain ourself in a ‘package’, to put a ‘ price tag’ on ourself is the greatest damage we can cause to ourselves. We can sell our ‘services’ but not ‘ourselves’. And when we become a part of a team, we are offering ‘ourselves’ and we have to believe that what we deserve will come to us. In its own way and time. But that requires ‘faith’. And its easier to buy ‘gadgets’, ‘accessories’ than to have ‘faith’.
Yes, it is difficult now to be a part of GC. Over the years, we have become very selective. We want the best. The very best. We want different people. Men and Women with a purpose, with a mission, with a commitment for their lives. We do not want the crowds. All we need is a small team with each member like a laser beam in terms of knowledge and performance. Each one with more than 100 percent output. Each one willing to be forged through fire.
Maybe we will have only one member. Does not matter. Even one can scale the mountains for us. We still want the best.
The hardware in the office needs attention. So do a lot of other things. As always. Nothing new here. The review committee of AAI has still not been finalized, as far as we know. But then we are not liasioning agents and we do not always have the ‘inside information’. A few of our clients are waiting and we do not know what to tell them or what next steps to take. A lot of darkness here.
Omprakash (the admin guy) has been asked to leave. He fell so much in love with
the power of the chair’ that he forgot to plant his feet firmly on the ground. Just wanted the ‘Bossgiri’ without the hardwork to support it. A common problem everywhere. We did not want the virus to spread. ‘Power’ is a very powerful drug. The most lethal one too. ‘Cocaine’ would be nothing before the ‘addiction to power’.
Have no idea how to market the maps on the shop. ‘paise nahin hain’. I mean for aggressive marketing. We have to let ‘time’ take ‘time’. Things will happen at the right time, when they are meant to.
Let ‘time’ take ‘time’.
What is the best thing that happened today? That there was enough petrol in the car to switch on the AC. At least for the major part of the route from AAI to the office. That the guard opened the office on time. That there was water in the house. That there is a roof over our heads.
The meeting at AAI was OK. Needed to collect a map and get some clarifications. Varun is scheduled to visit a site in Gurgaon tommorrow to collect some ground control points. The TDS return needs to be filed. And of course all the systems need to be checked, organized and cleaned to remove the unnecessary. To let the necessary remain. In our lives and systems.
Still looking for work. No, not looking. ” Waiting” would be the right word. We are waiting. For a miracle. The in-house journal of CREDAI where our article has been published will be circulated soon and there could/should be some response. Hope. Our best weapon. Our best bet. Against the uncertainty and insecurities of the world around us.
I tried raising the volume of the FM radio in the car today with the glass panes rolled up. To quite a deafening level. Just to drown the noise inside. Kuch to relief mile. Maybe that is why a lot of us raise the volume to such a high level. We cannot bear the sounds of the turmoil inside.
Theek hai yaar. Zyaada drama nahin chahiye. Just face life as it comes. Drop the ‘shoulds’, the ‘coulds’, the ‘could be’s’. Jo hai woh hai. It is what it is and it is not what it is not.
Just drop it.
The bills, the salaries, the rents (of the office and the house), yet again. Money,knowledge,relationships,life- all are so unrelated to each other and yet there is this powerful illusion that one leads to the other. We are so used to living in illusions, in dreams of our own creation. Chal raha hai. Chalta to rahega hi. I mean events and life keep flowing. Like it or not.
A punching machine has been installed in the office. Now the attendance will be monitored automatically. Two fire extinguishers have also been installed in the office. One near the server room and one near the pantry. How much ‘fire’ can we create! Dimpi is not well and is on antibiotics. Narendra has taken up the daunting task of explaining the principles of photogrammetry to us. And we are still thinking of a name for the software being developed. There is passion and there is hope that one day there will be ‘time’ and ‘money’. A difficult combination. Because mostly we can have only one of them at a given point. Either we have time, in which case there is no money and if we have money, then time is a scarce commodity. Therefore, to have both would be truly luxurious.
We think that over the years people will change, things will change and thinking will also change. No one changes. We remain who we are, at the core. The outside appearances may change, the acessories may change, the possessions may change, the masks we carry can be modified but our essence, who we truly are stays the same. No amount of outside success or money or adulation can change the inside, the inner core.
There is a training course being offered by ICAO in July. The only hurdle is that one needs a recommendation from DGCA to attend and to get a nomination from a government body is next to impossible, specially if one is from the private sector. So I am just keeping my fingers crossed. I have already sent a request to DGCA but there is no precedence of any person from a private sector being recommended. So fingers crossed. There are no training courses being offered by AAI or DGCA and there are huge gaps in our understanding which need to be bridged to handle the aviation projects with precision. Let us see (that is all we can do).
Today is Sunday and the phone is not ringing. There is a semblance of sanity and silence in the house.
Sanity and Silence.
Occasional visitors to our mind and house.
The team worked the night on thursday. The targets were still met partially. However, they made the effort and that is commendable. This time round the mattresses were rented out from a tent house for the night and I did not have to make the effort to carry them to the office. The weekend is here and a lot of repair work is being carried out in the office. Hence, there is a plumber, carpenter and electrician working together to finish the maintenance jobs by Monday morning, before the office re-opens for the grind.
There is always a lurking fear in the mind that there will not be enough. That the multitude of problems we have faced in the past will return. No work, no money and a host of bills and instalments. I am also not being able to establish a conscious contact with the ‘ Higher Power’. Everytime I try to pray, my thoughts are punctuated with other issues. I guess that is why there is this feeling of being ‘drained of energy’.
The ‘insides’ need to be at peace. But how? If the insides are in chaos, it will definitely reflect on the outside and vice versa. So the trick is to focus on the inside. But therein lies the catch. The outside is always noisy and screaming for attention. And the source of the ‘unmanageability’ , the ‘insides’ ,always remains unattended. And then we wonder why peace always eludes us. The ‘me time’ for me has now been reduced to the time I am driving from the house to the office. There is a stretch of road in between where the traffic is less, there is a bit of greenery on both sides and I can get a glimpse of the sky. And sometimes, I invite God to be my co-passenger. I am not able to trust him so much but maybe he can.
Ok. Back to the basics. The rations need to be bought for the office and the house (Not again!). I mean much how can we eat in a lifetime. We should eat to live and not vice versa. And the issue of missing ( not missing actually, as most of them were taken to the office) utensils is still unresolved. So I am garnering up enough energy to go to the market to pick up some desperately needed bare essentials for the house and the office (the needs of the office are never ending).
We need a project fast. Our expenses have escalated and there is absolutely no way of curtailing them. Powerlessness in this area. Hand over to the universe to meet our needs. We did not die till now. So there is hope. What exactly am I trying to say. Nothing. There is nothing to say. Everything,every event is mostly an experience. The team is getting used to my eccentricities. They allow space for my madness. I am very grateful to them for that. Even Appu gives me permission to be mad sometimes. I guess I do not give any of them a chance to make any other choice. Appu is waiting for her results to be out. And then the run for admissions to college will begin. Till then, there is a breather. Her driving is much better now and I think that she should be able to drive on her own very soon.
I have been thinking of starting a rehabilitation center for women addicts. But thoughts are thoughts. Sometimes they take very long to materialize. I am hoping to just do the homework required and then take it from there. Maybe ‘service’ can fill some of the ‘empty spaces’ inside.
We have been able to submit the CMYK films for the Hindi Atlas to NATMO, with a letter requesting them to at least acknowledge our company in the prints to be rolled out. At least we have asked for what is due to us. This itself is huge. We had to learn to ask for what is due to us. It was a difficult learning process. It is so much easier to just let things be. Its the easier softer path. Jo ho raha hai, hone do. By default. Letting life run ‘by default’ can be debilitating.
In our family, looking good was everything. The insides could be churning and you could be in a lot of emotional pain but as long as you looked good on the outside, everything was fine. So for a long time I believed that I could get away in life by just ‘looking good’. It was only when I fell flat on my face in every area of my life that I realized and accepted that ‘feeling good’ was so much more important. It was then that the focus shifted from the ‘outside’ to the ‘inside’.
We are off today. Man, it does feel good. A long weekend. Everyone is working long hours during the five working days to compensate for this ‘long weekend’. Willingly. Without any external force. Work is being done without the application of any external force. That’s like defyng Newtons’ second law of motion. But we can defy anything. GC is a rebel. Everyone in GC from top to bottom has no choice but to be a leader, be different, live alone,work alone.
The contractors working in the office did bother me in the morning (khopri ghum gai) for a while. But I came back to the equilibrium state very fast. Narendra has committed to giving a treat to all of us on Monday in lieu of the increment he has received (by the way it has been pending for too long guys) so I have been asked to keep my mood normal (meaning by default that I am mostly in a bad mood, what a compliment!)
Akshay called. He had worked me when I had started the last company (It sounds as if I started many companies and by that rate I should have been a business tycoon by now, what a joke that is) in a small room (duchatti). It was very hot in the summers as it was on the second floor and we had no money for an AC. And we had to give training to two professors of SPA (School of Planning and Architecture). So we hung ‘khus ka pardas’ and it was Akshays’ duty to sprinkle water on them every two hours to keep the room cool (making use of the evaporation effect). He says he can never forget that (also that he worked with me). He also reminded me that I had once thrown a glass at him (how pathetic?) I apologized to him but he said that, that is what he missed. He felt he was part of a family when I shouted at him. Thats a completely new perspective for me.
On my knees. This time with gratitude.
For all that has been given. For all that has not been given. And for all that has been taken away or lost.
Back to the basics, Layout,wiring,networking and then shifting. Sometimes its very confusing. Are we scaling up or building an illusion of having scaled up? Are we really moving to the next level or just appearing to be? What is the universe telling us? No idea. IDK (I don’t know,in my daughter’s language). We are just taking the cues and moving ahead.
Have another meeting scheduled in Gurgaon today (Not again). And this time the site is in Hyderabad and it is hilly. More complexities. And yet it is work. Good clean work. So we will take it (as if we have many choices).
Amma has left for greener pastures. Apparently she wishes to work part time in various houses to save time and make more money. So I am without any support in the house. It just makes managing the various multiple tasks a little more difficult. There are the phone calls, the house bell rings constantly, then the arrangement for gas,vegetables, breakfast,lunch followed by answering the clients, asking for payments, communicating with the banks. It is a good mix. Too many hats at the moment. Just missing my walks.
“Let us not forget that we are only part of the relay race. That we are here only to pass on the baton to the next generation. Let us not forget that we are just a part of the ‘whole’ and not the ‘whole’ at all. That if we can do the tiniest bit to make a difference to anyone’s life, our time on earth would have been worthwhile.”
My father has sent me the details for empanelment with a Government Consultancy Organization. I must thank him for these bits and pieces of infomation which would have otherwise slipped from our minds.
Its nice to hear the chirping of the birds in the courtyard. Its nice to have cups of tea before facing the day ( I wish I could add some cigarettes too! I have told the team that as and when we crossed a turnover of one crore, maybe the company could afford to pay for my cigarettes).
Ok. Time to catch the metro to Gurgaon for the meeting. Time to fake it in the world outside.
Time to ‘look good’, ‘act smart’, even though the insides are like jelly.
Inside vs the outside.
The perennial battle.