I had a fight with Appu. No excuses. No explanations. I just snapped. Everything got too much. She is upset. So am I. Between the bills and the loans, there seems to be no place for any love to exist. I guess ‘sorry’ will not be enough this time round.
Chandrakant is in Mumbai today. For the collection of GCP’s. Hariom has nearly crossed the major obstacles in the software development for the maximum permissible height calculations using open source GIS. Gagan is trying the install the SSL seal on the interface of the shop. Chetan and Vikram are working on the training content for the two professionals scheduled to arrive in the beginning of next week. Lots of positive energy in the office.
It is very tempting to compare ourselves with others. Very easy to fall into a trap of self pity. Hence it is extremely important for us to keep the focus on ourselves. All of us have our own race to run with a different set of starting and ending points. There cannot be any comparison.
The additional temporary limit extended by the bank has run its course and we are not sure if it can be extended for some more time. Bahut jhamela hai. Lots of unmanageability. Chaos. Financial and emotional. The Review Committee of AAI has not sat for a meeting as yet. Many clients are waiting for a decision on their files. And in the waiting process, our work has lost its value. Any decision in our country takes a long time. That is the worst part. The dis-respect for time. Kills everyone and everything.
Kuch bolne ko hai nahin. Its the same rigmarole. In fact we should stop jabbering. There is nothing new.
Maybe silence will express what words cannot.
‘To be silent’
‘Water’ is an ‘online’ issue. I discovered this when we barely got any water for four days. And when I went to the officer in charge of the colony for water supply, I was told that I needed to install an online pump with a higher horse power as all the neighbouring pumps were of a higher H.P and hence with greater suction ability. The resulting pressure drop in the line ensured that we did not get any water supply. The other option was to remove all the online pumps (which of course is unrealistic). So, we need an online pump with a power of at least 1 H.P and we need a plumber to do the replacement. Great! ‘Roof’ was an issue. Now ‘water’ is also an issue. I wonder what is next. maybe ‘air’.
The ‘great’ family get together was today. I went in the morning to attend a small ‘satsang’ at my parents’ house (despite misgivings of an impending disaster). The ‘satsang’ was a video cassette of the ‘Gurus’ speech being played on a large LCD TV ( bought and gifted by my multi crore brother). It could not do full justice to the fake hallowed environment of covered heads and muted talk and a ‘pretense of being there’. I got up after a while and made myself a cup of tea and sat silently in a corner in another room. That truly felt like some kind of ‘satsang’.
The ‘satsang’ over, there was an exchange of gifts (like jewellery of gold,emeralds and pearls and money(huge)). I was quite a misfit in the entire scenario and to cover up the embarassment of having a ‘poor’ daughter, they decided to gift me an envelope with Rs. 500=00. I was also offered one of my own sarees (sold to my mother in bad times) to wear in the evening and some artificial jewellery to look good (for them of course!)My brother also offered to have me dropped to my house in an old dilapidated spare car which was also being used to transport one of their maids. So the maid and I could be clubbed together to get a ride back. I mean truly, somethings never change. my ‘Family of origin’ is one of them.
Of course, I did not attend the function in the evening in a glamourous hotel with a glamourous gathering. I had had enough glamour in the morning and enough dis-respect from my own family for a lifetime. If there is no respect where one is born and brought up, how can one expect any respect from the world outside.
Mr. Silakari of Aakar Consultants called up and was rude and loud. I disconnected the line as I have no wish to be shouted and screamed at anymore. We are doing very good work for Nagaur and Uniyara and beyond that it does not really matter. Who has written to whom and what and when is a non-issue. The politics of a government department never ceases to amaze me. More than the work the most important question is ‘who is closer to whom’ and ‘who has written to whom’ and ‘why’. Beyond me.
The new office space is being worked upon. It is what we call ‘ a work in progress’. Hopefully it will be a ‘complete work’ very soon (before we are thrown out of this office).
Work, money, self respect. The more self respect we are willing to give up on, the more money we can make. And if we wish to keep our self respect intact, forget about making huge money buddy.
Self respect and money. Inversely proportional relationship.
I guess the fight for us is more about maintaining our self respect and less about making money.
Nevertheless, a fight is a fight.
All said and done.