Tag: jhamela

Below the surface

Me and Appu presented our case in court. Initially we were hesitant, doubtful and very unsure. But as the arguments proceeded and the judge showed a little willingness to hear us, we gained confidence and found our feet. We had the relevant evidence and I think we did a stupendous job. Actually Appu did a great job. I was the supporting actor. And the judge was listening to her very attentively. All in all it was a smashing hit and the icing on the cake was that we saved the lawyers’s fees. So we have decided that both of us deserve a treat, I mean dinner over the weekend  with a fraction of the money saved. That’s kind of cool. The case had no basis and was implicating us falsely. Sachhai ki jeet, is it possible? In today’s time? Ho sakta hai. Exceptions are always there. Maybe God was our invisible lawyer along with Appu. Ok so all is well that end well. Thanks Bebu. And thank you God.

I am getting half a day off on Saturday. From the office. From calls.  Appu has decided to spend half a day in office. I must say I am looking forward to the relief. Saturday is the day of cleaning, HR and administration issues. Very hectic. Thodi si shanti nil jayegi. Hopefully. Shanti to Nigambodh ghat mein hi milegi.

Got an opportunity to present our work to the who is who in the Ministry of Civil Aviation. It was a smashing success and I felt very appreciated. It was also a miracle since  just two days ago my mother had termed me a failure as I have not been able to make a lot of money. So according to her it has been useless to educate me. I was at an all time low and was actually thinking of getting the presentation re-scheduled. At the last minute I decided to face it and go through with it regardless of the outcome. I am sure HP had a huge role to play in its success as I could not have done it alone. Hopefully, we will be able to do some good work for MOCA. Fingers crossed.

Delhi has become a very hostile city to live in. Maybe it is just not the city. It is the people. We are the same as in primitive times. Knowing english and getting a formal education has not ensured that we will not kill for property, honour, ego, money. We are still doing the same things. But in the garb of being civilized. Option kya hai? Jungle mein reh lo. zamin bhi sasti milegi. Build a house in the jungles. Maybe the land will not be so expensive and we will not need to pay the EMI’s for an entire lifetime. What bullshit. How can one live in a jungle? But we are living in a jungle sweetheart. An urban jungle with the same rules that are applicable in an actual jungle. What makes you think that we are living in a civilized city with a different set of rules and regulations? Women are still being objectified, being bought, being sold.Reality shows toh bahut dekh liye. Thodi si reality bhi dekh lo.

I truly cannot understand you buddy. Sala kaam dhandha dekhna hai ya duniya badalni hai. Just focus on your work . What is this about changing the world. Take a look at the file of unpaid bills. Dimag center main aa jayega. Ok. yes, I mean there is Vodafone, airtel, bijli, rent, salaries. Good. Aur bolo. Yahi reality hai. So you mean to say that the politicians do not have to pay the bills so they can sell all these lies, gather votes and basically indulge in talk of changing the world. Because they have not brought about any changes. They just talk and talk about it. Just leave it. Drop it. Just look at your life, your bills. Kyun bhai? No whys. Just keep your mouth shut and live. But. No but. No ifs. No whys. Just breathe.

Achha jhamela hai. Pay the bills. Pay the taxes.

And keep your mouth shut.

The truth can be very violent.

Below the surface.




‘Back to the basics’

We are planning to bid in a tender (Oh no!) once again. With most of the projects stuck in AAI for lack of clarity, we will need to do something about our bread and butter (forget about the butter, just focus on the bread for now). Also thinking of tying up with the Trafficpeople.net guys for providing traffic updates on our online map shop. Anything to get the traffic on our site. If not for buying, then at least for viewing. Traffic is everything you know. It seems we are always in recruitment mode now. Constantly looking for people who wish to work and are down to earth with no air (hawabaji). A lot of people are just huge gas filled ballons. It is difficult to assess their true worth. It is like inflation. The net worth of an individual does not increase but the expectations do. ‘Aur, Aur’ ki bimari (sickness). More money,more package, more everything without being able to deliver anything of value.

Have transferred the responsibility of buying the weekly rations for the office to Anita, an admin executive. For once ‘Sunday’ is more peaceful with no running around to get the ‘atta,dal,chawal’. The AC’s in the office have already been serviced. The reparing of the woodwork has also been done. And the guards are behaving. What a sigh of relief. The trainee from Afghanistan is satisfied with the training and that is an achievement as he has ten years of GIS experience behind him. We were wondering as to what we could possibly teach him. The banks are ok with us. I mean they are not exactly happy. But when were they ever happy with us. They expect better turnovers (even if it means that we turn over completely and start getting into scams). Just like my family I guess. My family constantly expected me to do better. I could never meet their expectations.

Most of us are wanting to be slaves to huge MNC’s, or large corporate houses in exchange for high amounts of money. The difference is that we are looking for leaders. For people who love their freedom. Kahan milte hain? Where are the free spirits, the intelligent thinking minds, the unfetterd souls?

Ji lo yaar. Kyun itna jhamela karna hai? All this thinking, freedom, equality, democracy bit is intellecutual stuff. Will not pay the bills.

‘Roti, kapda,makan’

Back to the basics.

‘To be silent’

I had a fight with Appu. No excuses. No explanations. I just snapped. Everything got too much. She is upset. So am I. Between the bills and the loans, there seems to be no place for any love to exist. I guess ‘sorry’ will not be enough this time round.

Chandrakant is in Mumbai today. For the collection of GCP’s. Hariom has nearly crossed the major obstacles in the software development for the maximum permissible height calculations using open source GIS. Gagan is trying the install the SSL seal on the interface of the shop. Chetan and Vikram are working on the training content for the two professionals scheduled to arrive in the beginning of next week. Lots of positive energy in the office.

It is very tempting to compare ourselves with others. Very easy to fall into a trap of self pity. Hence it is extremely important for us to keep the focus on ourselves. All of us have our own race to run with a different set of starting and ending points. There cannot be any comparison.

The additional temporary limit extended by the bank has run its course and we are not sure if it can be extended for some more time. Bahut jhamela hai. Lots of unmanageability. Chaos. Financial and emotional. The Review Committee of AAI has not sat for a meeting as yet. Many clients are waiting for a decision on their files. And in the waiting process, our work has lost its value. Any decision in our country takes a long time. That is the worst part. The dis-respect for time. Kills everyone and everything.

Kuch bolne ko hai nahin. Its the same rigmarole. In fact we should stop jabbering. There is nothing new.
Maybe silence will express what words cannot.

Very powerful.

‘To be silent’

‘The Mumbo Jumbo’

After the correction of 9000 maps at least 900 times for PACT Lucknow, after not releasing our balance payment for whatever its worth, the chairman of PACT Lucknow, Ranjan shukla has sent an encashment letter to our bankers against the BG submitted. Our technical team sat in their office for a week to rectify and close any loose ends before finally handing over the data but then they were not available. They were too busy in their meaningless meetings and the team came back. And now they wish to kill us the only way they know. Encash the BG submitted. After all they are a government body. They can get away with murder. Kill us because we did not bend on our knees, did not people please. We did our job and asked for our payment (which we got in bits and pieces). And now the time has come to pay the price. I can now understand why everyone in our country wants a governemnt job. Because you can become a boss overnight. Its your rules, your specifications, your timimg and your money. The public is like ants in your hands. You can crush them any time you wish to by just closing your fist. Ranjan ji, thoda history dekh lijiye. Please check the numerous letters we have written asking for a clear definition of specifications required. Asking for a single coordination point. Revealing the non-cooperation of various officials in the execution of the project. And mentioning the losses we were incurring because of the lack of clarity and coordination amongst the officers at various levels of hierarchy. Chalo, another jhamela on the camels’ back. Deep breath. Let us face it.

I guess I am angry with AAI. With the system in government orgainzations. With the hype around formal education when the basic values of work, integrity and honesty are not in place. I am just beginning to understand how it is easier to ‘not work’ than ‘ to work’ in our country. Kaam karne se logon ko dikkat hoti hai. It is like nobody works and if someone starts working, it is a big problem. It will mean that others have to work too and that would require changing as well as a huge amount of effort. ‘kaun karega’. And how will doing ‘work’, ‘good work’ change our karma? Quite a poignant argument put forward by many.

Kya sach hai, kya jhooth. Kuch samajh main nahin aata. Cannot figure out the truth anymore. Cannot see the good from the bad anymore. What is good is actually bad and what is bad may have a little goodness in it. Utter confusion. Utter chaos. Increase in entropy so to say.

We are poor as a country not because we do not have brains or talent, but because we do not, cannot respect work. That is the long and short of it. We have talent, we have brains but we do not wish to take a stand , to stretch ourselves, to reach beyond the ordinary. It is not the poplulation (we have enough space), it is not lack of education. It is a lack of attitude, a lack of work ethics. That is it. And politicians cannot point it out. Vote kaise milega? Intellectuals cannot accept it as they are part of the bureaucracy (the origin of the rot). Who will say that the emperor is naked? Who will bell the cat?

Still struggling with the payment gateway for the online shop. God. It has been like ages. Let it work. We have uploaded the constituency maps of UP for the upcoming assenbly elections in the state. Hopefully there will be buyers. Ritesh has pointed out that we are too expensive. So it has been decided that the pricing will be revised to get a break in the market. But we are good guys. I mean we are better than the others. And our maps are geo-referenced. They have a lat-long. Is that not important value addition? Chod do bhaiya. Map bechna hai ki nahin? Do you need the money or not? Of course we need the money. What are you talking? We need it every day, every moment. Then shut up and revise the pricing. OK. Let us do it. Now you are talking.

Rent, bills, rations, stress, tiredness, the mumbo jumbo again.

Talk about it.

The Mumbo Jumbo.

And now.

Sometimes we are dying inside and yet pretend to be living on the outside. Sometimes we seem to be working on the outside and yet are actually not producing any net work. Very ironical. Very strange. The alignment of the inside with the outside is always difficult. It is almost always easier to try to manage,control and whitewash the outside. The insides are mostly tough to manage.

Finally went to the authority for Appu’s driving license. We need a license to drive, to work, to live, to be. It is amazing how much licensing we have allowed in our lives. Maybe we will also need a license to die, to cry, to breathe in the times to come. We love control, controlling, being controlled.
jhamela hai. Everything is looking like a jhamela right now The emotional, financial and spiritual. Lots of unmanageability in all areas of life. Hand over. surrender. Tough to do. Time to get down on my knees and ask for help.

AAI is closing its doors on us. They think we are barging in their territory. Their fiefdom, their kingdom. So we are still looking for a ‘Guru’. I guess ‘Gurus’ are hard to find these days. Its easier to find followers. Baki theek hi hai. I mean what else can one say. Theek to lag raha hai, bahar se. waise kuch bhi theek nahin hai par jitna theek ho sakta hai, utna theek hai. What the hell does it mean. Exactly. It means nothing. It means I don’t know. I don’t know what direction we are moving in and whether we are moving at all. maybe it would be better to stand still for a while. Not move. And figure out what is going on inside us. But then the bills will not stop coming sweethearts. They will always come on time. And stopping and feeling our feelings will not pay them. Chakkar pe chakkar.

Just focus on the ‘Aaj ki dhyadi’. The tasks which need to be done today. No matter what.

WIL (women in Leadership) is planning a conference and has sent a mail suggesting that I could/should send in my nomination for an award. This is pre-posterous. How and why should I nominate myself and beg for an award. What is deserved will come my way anyway and what is undeserved will be lost along the way. And I mostly forget that I am a woman.
Appu is still very hurt. I guess so am I. So all in all there is a lot of hurt, lot of loneliness in our space. I think we both have unrealistic expectations from each other. Both of us need some TLC (tender loving care).

Need some more miracles in our lives.

And now.


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