Today is just one of those days. Not really wanting to work or think of money or the larger issues. Just wanting to be. I have a joint meeting tommorrow with the AAI officials and the real estate client. But that is tommorrow.

Why have I chosen to walk this path? Why am I putting my daughter through this? No idea. Just that these questions are racing through my mind today.
The bottomline (roti, kapda,makan) takes up so much time and energy that there is very little time and energy left for the toplines (beauty,music,emotional interactions,nature,travel). The toplines are visible only in the advertisements. If you buy this today, you will get a good feel (what they do not mention is that the good feeling will not last).

I used to love collecting the various handlooms from various parts of our country, specially the sarees. The ikat from Orissa,the Tangails from Bengal, the chanderis from M.P, in fact I had quite a good collection over a period of time. Just at some point when I was setting up the first company and needed money, I sold it all (to my mother of all people). Also, over the years I think I have unconsciously subdued my dressing to avoid any extra attention. As it is, it has been easy for all and sundry to blame me for using my charms. So I guess, I just kind of shifted gears. ‘Don’t look good’, is the silent message I have given to myself over a period of time to support the life I have chosen.
And Appu is following in my footsteps. Has no interest absolutely in looking good.

I guess, I will take it easy today. I will do what I can, not what I should today.
And let the universe go about its business without my interference or control.

The earth will still rotate and I will continue to breathe.
I have to remember that I am not really so important.

That I am just a part of the whole.

I was daughter no. 2 and that in itself was a very unwanted scenario. And then, I was rebellious,different. So, I was always at loggerheads with my mother. My father was neither here nor there. He could never take a stand on any issue. Basically, he would agree that I had a point and then would promptly go back to saying that my mother was right and she wanted the best for me. So it was always a see saw. I never ‘felt’ I had a father figure in my life on whom I could depend and who would stand by me no matter what.

And later in life I realized that my mother wanted me to do a job, earn some money but beyond that she envisioned a purely traditional role for me with me obeying my husband, running the house efficiently ( I could never match up to her standards) and bringing up kids ( and definitely have a boy somehow). She would say that there was no gender bias in her mind but all her actions only reflected that. A lot of pujas were performed in our house so that my mother could be blessed with a baby boy and that is how my brother came in this world ( he is nine years younger to me). The gender bias was even more visible thereon.

So, when my marriage did not work out and I did not wish to do a conventional job, she was not willing to take a stand and put anything at stake. It was as if I was all alone in the choices I was making and that is how it has been for a very long time. The unsaid message was that if I could take up a regular job, be a normal married woman, she could deal with me and maybe gift me a few sarees now and then, maybe if she got very happy then even a piece of jewellery but nothing beyond that.

If I was looking at support to start my own work, emotionally or financially, it was unavailable.
If something was to be put at stake, she would back out. And also ask the other family members to stay away. So, over the years I have understood that She has been unwilling to participate in my mission to achieve my full potential. She was ok with me being her prototype but when I wanted to take more risk, to take on bigger challenges ( to step into a male dominated field), she was unavailable.

And that has taken its toll. On me. On my daughter.

I guess it is never easy to take a stand, more so for a daughter.

But then I guess the trees and the grass really have no bills to pay, or the rent and they don’t even have to look good. They don’t have to own a swanky car or mobile or branded clothes or a huge apartment.They just have to be, to exist and that is enough. I mean that is a cool life.

So, I invited God to walk with me. And I said, look dude, I mean I am in a bit of a problem here if you know what I mean. I have this bundle of unpaid bills in my drawer, not to forget the rent of the house and the office and the salaries of the team and then there is the usual atta, dal, chawal, sabzi,petrol, you get it, right. Now, I would be really grateful if you could tell me what exactly is going wrong. I mean we tried bribing (you know that since nothing is hidden from you), it did not work for us. we tried being the best technically, that did not work either. So what the hell is going on here. Are we in the wrong direction? Or the wrong kind of work or the wrong planet?

Or is it some poverty of thought that is stopping us from making the basics?

I mean I am not really looking at a luxurious life but dude, I mean if I could, not be tense about every bill, about every 30th of the month, not worried about the salaries, not worried about the ‘roti, kapda,makan’ it would be a better life. And we could negotiate with our clients for a better price, for a better deal. And maybe I could take off to the mountains or the dunes with my daughter for a day or two. That would not really harm your universe, right.

OK. So think about it God. I have no idea why you have sent me on this planet Earth, but whatever your aim is, it is getting damn tough in here. This is FYI (for your information) and further action.

Thanks for listening.