We are crying and laughing all at the same time.

Narendra will complete one year on December 28, 2010 and that is huge. I mean in this company even one month is huge. One year is like a decade (with all our crisis situations). I think the next in line is Shiva who will complete 8 months followed very closely by Dimpi with 7 months (I may be wrong).

We have jointly decided not to bid for the empanelment in Rajasthan. No point looking for ‘bread’ in a ‘hardware’ store. We get the government we choose. The JDA will get the consultants they deserve. At the cost of being brash, I do believe we are too good for them. Maybe they need mediocre guys who will bend and do what they wish. Maybe they need slaves, not technocrats. So we will not participate. ‘Slavery’. The legacy of the ‘British Raj’. Continues to harm us in all spheres, specially where there is ‘bureaucracy’. Sometimes walking away at the right moment is ‘winning’. And we are choosing to do just that.

‘Politics’ and ‘Bureaucracy’. The process involved in both ensures that good deserving people do not wish to participate. To fight a ‘monster’ one cannot become a ‘monster’.

Our ‘talent’ is being appreciated. I wish my parents could be a part of it. I wish they could see me as I am. I wish they could see the effort beyond the ‘debts’,'loans’ and apparent ‘lack of wealth’,'success’ in our lives. Its the ‘trying’, its the ‘walking the path’, its the ‘effort to build a clean and good life’ which is beautiful.

Regardless of the outcome.

Outstanding acheivement requires taking outstanding risk. And taking outstanding risk always lies in the realm of men. My brother left his education mid way, broke all rules and did what he believed in because my parents were solidly behind him. They took a stand for him. No matter what he chose to do. He knew he was not alone, he knew he could chart new territories. He knew he had roots and a home to come back to, no matter what. I doubt if me and my sister could say the same. We followed the rules, we did housework, we studied and within the parameters set for us, we tried to be sucessful(that also meant that we had to keep the men in our lives even if it meant sacrificing our own). And the moment I stepped out of the set parameters, I was abandoned. By all. Much like the ‘unwanted Karna’. I can understand today how men ooze so much confidence while women appear to be ‘dithering’. The ‘men’ have the ‘family name’. They also have the ‘property’. And I guess ‘economics’ works in their favor. And it this ‘confidence’ which supports them in creating a world of their ‘choice’ whereas ‘women’ start from a premise of ‘doubt’. ‘Doubt’ in their capabilities, ‘doubt’ in their roots,’doubt’ in who will take a stand for them if they failed, ‘doubt’ if anyone actually cared whether they did something outstanding or ‘life-changing’.And ‘confidence; creates ‘success’. And ‘doubt’ creates ‘doubt’. So we have less women in the boardroom. Less women in the top echeleons of achievers. And even lesser who are able to do what they wish to do and succeed.

So the pre-birth sex tests should be legalized. Parents not wanting a girl child should not be forced to have one. It would be better to not allow a girl to take birth than to subject her to a lifetime of second class treatment and dis-respect and resentment in looking after her by people who are supposed to love her and take care of her. I am sure that many prostitutes would testify to have been forced into the trade by their own family. And how much more worse that act is than actual death.

There is a lot of studying to be done. And for once it is not for marks, percentages or accolades. It is to be able to tackle real problems for real clients and that is truly challenging. Narendra, Shiva ,Dimpi ,Kamakhya,Shikha and Himanshu (who is coping apart from not being able to get up on time) are rising to the occasion. There is no fear as we take on the various projects and get ready to move into the larger office. I think we are all mentally prepared to work harder (and smarter) and meet the extra overheads. Thank you guys (and gals).

And in our world of tall skyscrapers,nuclear power,instant money,instant messaging,instant sex, nothing succeeds like success.

I think it would be best to become  a hermit (and practice meditation and renunciation) or become this mafia don (doness , I hope this is the female version of don who gives two hoots to society and its rules bang with dark glasses and SUV’s and weapons in toto). No point living like a ‘Trishanku’ (hanging in mid-air,neither on the earth and nor in the sky). Unless of course GC becomes an MNC and generates enough ‘moolah’.

Ok. back to the basics. The ‘atta’ is over in the office. And the 3D module in GIS is still a mystery ( a lot of stuff in life remains a mystery). And I need to pick up Appu from her dance class. The small stuff. Its manageable. Its the emotional unknown world which is hugely unmanageable.

‘Unmanageability’

Have I mentioned this before? You bet.

We have zeroed in on a few office spaces. Are just waiting for the bankers to do something about an adhoc limit to enable us to make the necessary investment for the four month deposit, shifting of infrastructure and the bare interiors. The current landlord is going haywire. Nothing to be done. It will happen when it happens. Cannot control everything (actually anything).

Appu was in a turmoil last night. She was stressed with all the stress around and the never ending problems with the banks, projects and working capital issues. She said ‘I want to die’ at one point and that was the saddest part. That I am not being able to maintain peace and sanity, for myself and her.

Another hour. Another day. This too shall pass. Schools,exams,marks,money,loan,interest,bills,identity papers, ‘THE SYSTEMS’ per se.

There is no ‘freedom’. Everything is defined. The freedom to choose what to eat and what to wear and where to work is not freedom in its ‘truest sense’.

We are but ‘existing’.

In ‘The systems’.

As an enterpreneur, I have no idea what stability or a steady income would mean. As a single mother living in a rented apartment, there is no saying when I would need to vacate the premises.

Regardless, we are in the process of building a clean, good life for myself and my daughter. clean from clutter, clean from abuse. A life based on self respect and dignity. A real life. where there is nothing fake. And what a price we are having to pay- emotional, financial,social.

I am getting old. No getting away from that. I guess I am a little tired too. It takes a lot of energy to deal with the fakeness around, the false ego of most men on a day to day basis, the pettiness, the hankering after money, possessions.

I would like to live a part of my life not dealing with this on a day to day basis.
Till then it is a number crunching game. The turnover, the loan, the proving that we can do a good job, the competing, the price cutting, the payments and all the unnecessary noise that comes along with creating a living.

Peace.

I did not feel like coming to work today but it is like one task at a time, one day at a time. And what needs to be done on a daily basis has to be done. I have not really accomplished much. A few phone calls, a few mails and that is about all. A lot of clutter needs to go from my table. Too many unproductive files.
It will happen I guess. awareness, acceptance,action. Action is the last step you see. I am yet in the awareness stage you see. Although action is the magic word.

So today, I just wish to go home, lie down and rest. Close my eyes and forget that I have loans to re-pay, that we need more projects and the unpaid bills.

For once. For a change.

Surrender to a HP.