I am losing it. I shouted at Appu last night. I was tired,exhausted, overworked. She said something and I just snapped. But that is no excuse. There can be no excuse. It was unacceptable behaviour and I need to step back and examine what is going on. I am mad. There is no doubt about it. And I am making everyone around me also mad. Maybe I need to be sent to an asylum. I will have to be careful lest my insanity hurts those closest to me. I have apologized to Appu but apologizing is never enough. If making amends were that easy, there would not be so many hurt people in this world creating more hurt.
My father called to ask about the status of Appu’s admission. I gave him an update but mostly, I feel irritated. I am not very clear as to the reason and source of my discomfort. Maybe it is because I feel it is mostly talk and talking is easy and cheap. However, I do need to remember that he did give some newspaper cuttings related to the ‘ admission guidelines’ and they did help us in locating the various colleges. Thank you papa. Maybe I do not really wish to see his care and concern beneath the lies and abandonment. God, this has always been a tricky area to traverse.
It seems that the entire team is working on the online shop. The energy and creativity levels are extremely high and the environment is infectious in a very positive way. It feels good. We have a core team. And that is the most important thing. The logo is being designed, the template of the interface is under discussion and the maps are also in process. So everything is IP (In Process). Being IP is a good sign. It means we are not dead, as yet. It may also mean that we are in the process of being more alive.
The truth and the untruth. The seer and the seen. The observer and the observed. It is all mixed up for me.
Ghar chal raha hai. Office bhi chal raha hai. Life is also moving at its own pace. I am the only one out of sync here.
There have been many losses along the way. emotional,financial and spiritual. Still taking stock. Still coming to terms with the losses. I just need to take a deep breath and be OK. It is OK now and it will be OK in the times to come. The worst is over. We will never be on the roads again.
The weekend is here. Thankfully. The phone will ring a little less. The rations for the office have to be bought but I guess that is manageable. Appu’s admission to college is the only issue looming large on the horizon. Ho jayega. As everything else.
Ankit was mentioning that he would look for ‘cheap and best’ solutions for the marketing of the online shop. And I told him that the two could never co-exist. What is best, could never come cheap and what came cheap could never be the best. Strange irony but that is how it is.
The distance between the nut and the gut is very small and yet very important. Sometimes an awareness exists in the gut for a long time before it travels to the nut. Hence, it is very important to listen to the gut.
The nut and the gut.
It is always difficult to differentiate between what each one is saying and what is correct.
To conquer the world, I lost myself, To conquer myself, I have to lose the world.Craving for that peace and stillness inside me, the noise outside is deafening.We have the aviation technology to connect countries,worlds and continents. But there is no technology to connect peoples’ hearts and cover the increasing distances between them.
We have decided to keep saturday off beginning this week. This will give everyone a long weekend and hopefully the much needed break from the gruelling daily routine with long hours (and maybe from each other,specially me.) We have been able to submit an interim analysis report for the Hyderabad project (without any errors) and that is good. Sandeep is in Nagaur to conduct the survey for HT LT lines and collect information on the municipal boundaries. Dimpi is looking forward to a holiday but we have mutually decided that she can only take a long break after the final approvals for the Rajasthan project have been taken from STP,Ajmer.
The new office is shaping up. The glass door is in place although the logo is not the way it should have been. “perfection’ as an attitude is very difficult to find in our country. It bothers me.
Appu is not well and she might need another visit to the doctor. She has not been able to sleep peacefully for two three nights now.
A lot has been lost. Apart from the debts and loans, there have been huge emotional losses.
Time for stock taking.
Day before yesterday I became a mad woman yet again. We have a slum area right outside the office and many times we have employed boys from that area as office peons without checking their credentials or background or identity proof. Somehow I have always believed that ‘faith’ is the only way to work with people.
However, none of them lasted for even a month. Either the hours were too long or cleaning and swapping the floor/toilet was an issue and most of them left abruptly. Then they would come back for their wages of four days or ten days or even one day. It was always very irritating. Day before yesterday night a boy who left in a weeks’ time came with some relative (they never come alone, always in groups) in the night. My timings are known to all. I reach in the second half and work late. Mostly beyond 8:00pm I am alone in the office. So the guys came to create a ruckus. The guard asked them to come in the morning and talk to Shiva but to no avail. There was this urgency to create a drama. ‘poverty of thought’, ‘unwillingness to work’ and ‘addiction to drama’ goes hand in hand I guess. So they started just that when I lost it. I had had just enough of people not wanting to work and creating a ruckus for nothing in the office. I shouted and screamed at them and there was a crowd (maybe I should have been in politics, not business). Of course Shiva arrived on the scene (he was still in the new office) and tried to manage the situation. But it was unmanageability for me all around. In the head and outside. Why would someone come for money in the night at 10 pm? Is it money or drama they wanted? It makes me sad. One cannot, should not use poverty to manipulate people when one is not ready to put in any efforts to get out of that mode oneself. Being poor does not entitle us to create ‘noise and ruckus’ all the time while being unwilling to do the hard work needed to change the situation. Anyway, this is just my take on the issue.
We move today. Finally. We started packing yesterday. We have been able to deliver a part output for most projects which implies that we can take off for two to three days to shift, unpack, settle down and usher in the new year. Sandeep is back from Ajmer after taking the feedback for all the maps prepared. Hopefully, we should be able to wrap up this project in January.
There is hope and there is faith that we are moving on to a better future with less uncertainty, with more respect,money,good projects and team bonding. The stay here has been memorable. Fights, mass walkouts, the cops, the fights with the landlord, the disconnection of our water supply, the crucial months where we carried on with no salaries and no work. Is the worst over for us? I sincerely hope so.
Everyone is excited over the move. Narendra and Dimpi will have their own cabins. Shiva has an enitre room for himself. And there is a space for training. The admin and accounts section is also separate. luxurious. At least for us. And we do have a glass door with our logo on it as the main door. We are far from being an MNC but at least we are in the right direction. Appu has designed fabulous visiting cards for all of us and they are looking ‘cool’. Thanks Appu. Thank you very much. Dimpi and Kamakhya are organizing the tailor and the fabric for getting blazers for the entire team with our logo on it. Sounds good.
Miracles do happen. At least they have happened for us.
Unless I am in a dreamworld like ‘Alice in Wonderland’.