Long time. Difficult to take time out for the best things in life. Like spending time with Appu, a walk in the park, writing, listening to music, connecting with a Higher Power. It is easier to lose oneself in this mad frenzied race for name, fame, money. And we have been working nights and days. Continuously. Without a break.
A lot has happened. We have shifted office. After umpteen iterations of re-doing the same interior work to achieve a minimum level of acceptability. It is a big and lovely office.Sometimes when I work alone in the night, I think ‘ ki hamari toh itni aukat nahin hai’. It is a dream which has come true. We have a good working space. The team has walked out once again. Its easier to take the exit route under pressure. Its easier to walk away when there are deadlines and committments to keep. Very few men and women who are truly professionals. Who refuse to quit when the going gets tough.
My parents still think that I am sleeping around to make money. That a few men are funding me, since I am incapable of standing on my own two feet, at least in their eyes. I guess I will have to die with this dis-respect. The biggest crimes, the worst dis-respect always begins from home. The dis-respect from the world is always very small compared to the rejection from people who are supposed to care for us and do not or cannot.
Appu has decided to live on her own to get some focus on her life, away from me, away from GC. Very courageous act. Very lonely. For both os us. She needs space to grow up. But it is difficult to let go of one’s child. Difficult to accept that they need permission to live their own life according to their choices and face the consequences.
The elections, the netagiri, the speeches, the empty promises, the comparisons, the hope and the shattering of expectations again and again. It is very difficult to accept the truth. That no one can change our lives. We have to be our own messiah. Our own saviours. No one can bring about a miracle in our lives except ourselves and a Higher Power. People can support us. But no one can change our life for us. That responsibility is solely ours.
But it is easier to expect someone else to take responsibility for us. So we keep looking for a leader. For a saviour. Without becoming one ourself. This is a dream. An illusion. A mirage.
There is only one reality. Only one path. Only one choice.
To be a leader. In our own life. Because we can only choose the right leader when we become a leader ourselves.
Take it or leave it.