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Tag: money

The next step

A Perennial battle.

Right vs Wrong.  White vs black. Truth vs lie. Hero vs villain. Success vs failure. Politician vs leader. pain vs pleasure. love vs commitment. time vs money.

Sachhai kya hai?

“ॐ पूर्णमदः पूर्णमिदं पूर्णात्पुर्णमुदच्यते
पूर्णश्य पूर्णमादाय पूर्णमेवावशिष्यते ॥
ॐ शान्तिः शान्तिः शान्तिः ॥

Om, That is complete, This is complete, From the completeness comes the completeness. If completeness is taken away from completeness, Only completeness remains. Om, Peace peace , peace.”

(Quoted from:

The reality is that life is a live match. We have to play as the ball comes. We do not get to define the trajectory or the speed or the time of the ball. It is thrown at us and we have to bat. The best stroke possible at that given moment in space. For better or for worse. Because all the theories fail when a live match is being played. That is the way real life is. We never know what is waiting for us at the next turn. What would be right at that moment? Whether we would need to be a hero or a villain? Whether we would need to be truthful or resort to lying. The aim would be to play the match to the best of our capabilities at least till the last over is finished.

I talk a lot. Say a lot of good things. But recently everything got too much for me. I reached an emotional breakpoint and I was violent with Appu. It was not a slap or two, I beat her up badly. Was there any justification for my act? I guess not. I lost my sanity. I can lose her also. I don’t know. I repeated what my parents did to me. I will carry the burden of this act till I exit from this earth.

Right now, everything is in a chaos. work, money, relationship with Appu, office space.

Life is quite unmanageable. Cannot figure out the next right step.

The next step.


Not clear at all

Anne Frank wrote in a diary till she was killed by the Nazis. What else could she do?

I am feeling the same. I can only write. I cannot change the world. I cannot change the brutal, unintelligent, abusive, male, insensitive police force which rules by fear rather than by example, which is an uncontrolled monster in a constant state of hangover from the unlimited powers bestowed on it by the Central Government. A power which is mis-used against the very people for whose protection it has been given. A power which helps them convert a murder into an encounter, a civil case into a criminal case, an innocent victim to an accused. A power which helps them in supporting the rich for favors and a power which helps them use physical and mental violence against the vulnerable. The power has gone to their heads So much so that they expect every common citizen to bow to them in fear and awe like they are the kings of the earth and the sky. No, they behave like God incarnate himself. Even the constable is a Don due to his khakhi vardi. The SHO is no less than the ‘Ravana’ of his Thana ( Lanka).

Mujhe nahin rehna is desh mein. bahar bhi yahi hoga par itna bura nahin lagega. It is Ok when the outsiders belittle you, abuse you or humiliate you. But if it is done by your own people, where you are born, by people who are supposed to protect you, then it is very very painful. How does one fight against one’s own people? It was easier to fight the British. What about the people who are now mis-using power in our own country?

‘With great freedom, comes great responsibility’. But I think most people in powerful chairs forget that.  In the heady cocktail of power, money and freedom to do what they want, they forget that.

Sab kuch hai Bharat desh mein, par izzat nahin hai. if you can live without self-respect, this is a great place. But if you need to live with your head held high, man you are in the wrong place. Rabindra Nath tagore, where are you? Can you see now? Does your writing have any meaning now? Bina ‘izzat’ ke ‘development’ ka kya karenge?

And so there is no point in improving our education system at all. Kisi ko chahiye hi nahin bhaiyya. Knowledge ka is desh mein koi kaam nahin hai. Ya toh bureaucrat bano, lal batti ki gadi mein ghumne ke liye, ya to policeman bano, danda marne ke liye, ya phir politician ban jaao, gunde paalne ke liye. All revolving around power and money. Knowledge?? ghanta  kaam ayegi zindagi mein. Good to show as added decoration. cosmetic hai. laga lo. ya mat lagao. degree se ya padai se koi pharak nahin padega. Our country is being run by the politicians, the bureacucrats or the police force. All of them male, all of them monsters. white collared or brown collared. Does it make a difference?

Haan nahin rehna hai mujhe aise desh mein. I am not proud of being an Indian anymore. It is a misfortune that I have been born a woman, It is a bigger misfortune that I have been born in India. I feel very ashamed when I have to sit on dharna outside the police station of my own country to get a hearing from the SHO. I feel very ashamed when the SHO stripped me of my dignity and asked a woman constable to throw me out of his room because I was asking him questions. Because I was asking him as to why he picked up four innocent poor labourers from my office for no fault of theirs. Just to create fear? Just to convert a civil matter into a criminal one?

No ordinary citizen is safe in this country. The protectors are the biggest monsters. So we all wish to make money. To protect ourselves from the politicians, the bureaucrats and the police. Because we are all on our own. No one is safe. We just think that by having money we might be able to protect ourselves, when the need arises. Just like the Jews thought in Germany whne Hitler was after them. But not even the richest Jews could protect themselves. They were all killed.

So either I need a ticket to fight the elections with some goondas to protect me or I need to get out of this country before I am raped again.

The last option is to just quit. To just die a dignified death. To choose death rather than a humiliating life in this country. But Euthansia is not legal in this country. Toh suicide karna padega which is illegal. par marne ke baad kya pharak padta hai. The dead body will not know which SHO is humiliating it in which thana.

Enterpreneur banoge? bas ho gaya? Saala apne office mein gundagardi hone se bacha nahin sakte, aur kya kaddyu karoge?

I am ashamed. I have failed miserably. In proetcting myself. In protecting the laborers working in my office.

And the path ahead is just not clear.

Not clear at all.

So long

“The Economics”

Runs everything. From countries to cities to families. Defines all. Leaves nothing.

We should have been told earlier. We ahould all have focussed on understanding Economics. Baki subjects seem so unimportant, so irrelevant in the real world. ‘Real’? Really? The difference between what is ‘real’ and what is  ’unreal’ is so blurred today. The one merges into the other. ‘real’ becomes ‘unreal’ and vice versa. Just like ‘Newtonian’ and ‘Non-Newtonian’ Mechanics.

Kahaan chakkar main phas rahe ho bhai, Jeevan ji lo. Bills pay kar lo. paise bana lo. After that get into discussions. Baaten karte rehna. Baaton se kabhie bills pay hote hain? Kahin khana milta hai? Nahin na. Then just shut up and walk the walk. Ghar chalao. Office chalao. And book your space in Nigambodh ghat. Pata chala ki wahan par bhi rent par jagah milegi. If the rent is not paid, your dead body will be excavated and thrown to the dogs on the street.

Appu has begun earning through choreography and that is a big achievement. Well done Bebu. Keep it up. I never knew that this was a career option. In our times ( that means I am so old now!) the options were : law, medicine, engineering and being part of the bureaucracy ( IAS ). There was no other field which could ensure a safe and secure job. The key words here being ‘safe’ and ‘secure’. All  of us in this country wish to be safe and secure. But safety and security are words used to describe a graveyard, not pulsating life. So basically we are all searching for our own graveyard. Aur kuch ata nahin hai na.

Our learning has stopped. All the books we ordered are lying silently in the conference room. we talk of studying everyday. That we do not read or understand a word is a different matter altogether. well, tomorrow is always another day. Let tomorrow come.

We are better than yesterday and for that we are very grateful to our Higher Power. There is work, There is money.

What we need now is ‘time’ and ‘peace’.

And both have eluded us for so long.

‘So long.’








‘Time to get real’

Yaar sach bol lo. For a change. What is the worst that can happen? You will lose all you have? you will not win the LS seat? Your drama will end? Everyone will see who you really are? Toh dekh lo karke ek baar. We have all become such pathetic liars. At work, in our relationships. Looking good is everything. Feeling good is just not important. Good work is not important. Good connections are everything. Play golf, go to the right places, right clubs, right hotels with the right accessories, just to meet the right people. And who the hell are these so called right people?The ones with the right chairs, right titles? What’s wrong with us guys? I mean what about being real for a change?

The other day while driving I saw a huge board showing a life size figure of Narendra Modi asking for votes abd below it  a manual scavenger  sifting the polythene bags from the smelly garbage dumped by all the residents, hotels, hospitals around. The numerous flies had enveloped his face and head. The stinking smell of the garbage could be felt even at such a great distance from him on the road. Will Mr. Narendra Modi be able to do something for him? I ver much doubt it. I doubt all the parties. There is not a single true leader to look up to. That is the pverty. The garibi. There is no role model. No one to look up to. If you are all so good, why do you need to shout so much to tell us that? Why are you guys so loud? screaming all the time. Do one small good job and talk about it for years to come , one hundred times. You did a fraction of what you were supposed to do. Itna gaane ki, halla machane ki kya zaroorat hai? thotha chana baaje ghana. SHor macha lo. Aur toh kuch hai nahi. You are all empty. No leadership. No spiritual content. Just words. Words are all you have.

Rather than face the truth which will rip our souls apart, it is easier to be on the Merry go round, pretending to be enjoying the ride. Stopping it and facing the truth would be too painful. Rok do yaar. It is painful being on it. The male ego, the pathetic education system, the false glorification of money, the lack of true leadership is killing us anyway. Where is the brilliance? Where is the quest for achieving excellence? Where is the honesty? You remember the word ‘Imandaari’? Sounds good. Currently it is used in advertisements and contracts  to get more money, sales, revenues. What have you?

Its  fake life in fake world. Maybe the earth should stop rotating for a fraction of a second to jolt us out of our illusion. Dream within a dream. Inception.

‘Yeh duniya agar mil bhi jaaye toh kya hai. jala do, phunk dalo yeh duniya,mere samne se hata lo yeh duniya. Jahaan  jawan jism sajte hai bazar ban kar, jahaan aadmi ki keemat kuch bhi nahin hai’.     From the movie ‘Pyaasa’

I am sure God would be very sad upstairs. And yet hoping against hope.

Sudhar jaana chahiye.

Time to get real.

For better or for worse

If I could just run and if I could just hide. From people, from the fakeness of the world, from the lies in the relationships, from the constant need to prove one’s worth. If we could stop living our lives on visiting cards and bank statements for just a few moments. But that is like asking the earth to stop rotating. For as long as we live, this is what will matter to us, the titles, the turnovers, the cars, the houses. It is quite pathetic actually. Because at the end of all this madness, we have to stand naked in front of ourselves, in front of our maker, will all our faults and follies. Tab kya karenge? Where will we hide then? and from whom? and for how long?

After so many years of being alive, I finally shouted at my mother. She was playing the same old tune. That of her son being the most successful child amongst all three as he had made the maximum amount of money and property. And it always triggers me. So I reacted. I told her that she was uneducated and illiterate, that she cannot understand what I am trying to do and that she never could. I am not proud of all that I said to her. It does not beehove me to go down to her level. But she has been humiliating me and all that I have been trying to be that I just wanted to hurt her once. For her to feel what I feel every moment. The rejection, the pain and the constant loss of self esteem because of my parents’ abandonment. I guess it would have been easier to accept the rejection if they were dead. There is a finality in death. A sense of loss which can be dwealt with over time. But with life, there is always hope. A possibility that maybe someday they would be able to accept me and love me just the way I am.

So I reacted, shouted and walked away. From all that could have been but was not. From hope and dreams and illusions. To reality. To what is real in my life. To Appu and my work.

Challenging projects in hand. Lot of reading to do. We have bought many books, Thank God we have the money to do that. We have Document 8168 ( vol I and II), Annexyure 14, Annexture 4, Aircraft operation manual, Jeppesen Charts. Ab padai karni hai. Between the bills and the admin, accounts, client call,meetings, sleeping, time nikalna hai. Very tough. It is a fight every day. To just read and digest a few lines.

The TV in the pantry is quite a distraction for all the class IV staff. The cook, housekeeping boy ,guards and office boys love being in the pantry. The admin is proving to be tougher than the technical part. The story of our country. Satellite launch karenge lekin bijli paani nahin hai.

The technical team is getting stable ( fingers always crossed). They experienced flying in the simulator installed at the Delhi Flying Club and I think they are just beginning to fall in love with aviation and hopefully GC.

Hope is a good thing. Hope is all we have.

For better or for worse.








A very good start

We are in the midst of some challenging projects. Thoda dar hai. I mean they are not conventional projects ( but when have we followed the conventional path in any area of our life?).  A lot of reading, discussions and brainstorming is required. We love it and that is what keeps us going. The fact that there are constantly new challenges and hidden threats at every nook and corner of the path.

There is money to pay the bills for this month. I mean that is great. Because the 7th of every month was a terror for so long. And all the bills (love letters) hold no fear for us anymore. That our lives are abundant today is a miracle beyond our wildest dreams. That we also have ‘respect’ is an added bonus. We actually worked only for earning ‘respect’ and somehow the ‘money’ came along with it. It has reinforced our belief that running after money is of no use at all. It comes to us when we are ready to receive it.

The office is running. The pantry is churning out three meals a day ( not to forget the midnight snacks) and is getting better at providing healthy meals for all ( from the peon to the manager, no discrimnation at all). There is water. There is work. Thank you God. Thank you very much. For everything. The admin is in place. The accounts is in place. The technical team is also strong. Amazing. Aewsome. We are truly blessed.

Appu has chosen to dance. Full time. Daytime. Nighttime. All the time. So be it. This is what comes naturally to her.This is who she is. A dancer. Just took me a lot of time to accept it in the ‘gut’. The ‘nut’ (brain’) accepted it but  takes time to travel from the nut to the gut. Wish you all the best Appu. Go follow your dream. Wherever it takes you.

I have been invited by ‘family’. Yes by my brother. It is strange as they have dis-owned me from the past so many years. My father has shared that my mother has willed the entire property in the name of my brother and that he wants to record my statement ‘ that I need no part of it and that I will never go to court to ask for my share’. Aisa bhi hota hai. How many laws can you make? If the men of the family do not wish to give the rightful due to their daughters/sisters, then all the laws are redundant and uselss.

We are working most nights. And attending calls/meetings most days. So we are all very tired. I guess that is the price we have to pay for earning an honest living, for wanting respect more than money. I hit a truck head-on in the early hours of the morning while returning from one such night out. The car got crushed and I have no idea how I got saved miraculously. Guess God has got some work planned for me on this planet Earth which is as yet unfinished. Thanks HP.

A lot is going on in the world outside. Politics, scams,dis-honesty,rapes. And it hurts. Yet, we have come to accept that we are powerless over everything except our selves and our actions. If we can live a good, clean, honest life, if we can each be a leader in our own area, if we can clean up our side of the street, if we can be self supporting and stop being parasites on the world, it will be a good start.

A very good start.


‘No questions at all’

It is a beautiful day. The sunshine is filtering through the doors and windows of the house and I am hoping that part of it will lighten up our hearts and souls. Have been getting no time lately. To sleep most of all, or to pause or to write. It is all one huge ‘ chakka jam’. Client visits, projects, meetings, technical discussions and the running of the house ( how can we forget that?). There is also a tiredness of the soul which cannot be measured or expressed.

We have clients visiting our office which feels very good. For a very long time we were the ones running hither and thither to showcase our work.  We have work and we have money to pay the salaries, electricity bills, telephone bills, the daily groceries and books. Yes we need to purchase a lot of books, manuals to understand the work we are doing and it feels very rich to be able to buy them and not use downloaded versions from the net. A lot has been lost along the way. ‘Time with Appu’, ‘my health’, ‘sanity’, ‘serenity’. But what can be done? To live in this world, the bills have to be paid. Just being a human being is not sufficient. Nobody lets you breathe in peace till you make the ‘moolah’. It is umimportant what you sell in the process, ‘ your brain’, ‘ your soul’ or ‘ your body’. Just make the money man. And make it fast. And if you are using dubious ways, just make sure that you do not get caught. Kill but do not let anyone know. That’s the ‘mantra of success’ today. And of course how can we forget that ‘looking good, looking beautiful’ is more important. Look good, look smart even if you feel like shit inside. Even if you are falling apart from inside, show that you are all together, a very happening and very successful man or woman. Fake it to make it. What a world we live in!

Appu’s college fest is over. She has made sure that her team won in the dancing segment by contributing long hours of gruelling practice to her team. well done bebu. Too bad you guys do not allow the parents to come in and watch. I mean parents have a license to visit any part of your life. In India at least!.

Appu is confused about the future course of action in her life. Aren’t we all confused? About what to, when to, how to? Sometimes till our dying day. She is worried that if she follows the dictates of her heart, which is pursuing a career in dance, she would be leaving me alone to run the house and office. Bebzer, do what is best for you. You do not have to become this sacrificial lamb for me. HP is looking after me. Always has. Feel free to pursue your own dream. I mean there will be times when I am overwhelmed and I will try to make you feel guilty but they will be few and you can let those moments pass.

There is gratitude and there is abundance in our lives and hearts today. And for that I am very grateful to the Higher Power.

Thank you HP.

For all that you have given. For all that you have not given. And for all that you have given and taken away.

No questions at all.








‘Take it or leave it’

Long time.  Difficult to take time out for the best things in life. Like spending time with Appu, a walk in the park, writing, listening to music, connecting with a Higher Power. It is easier to lose oneself in this mad frenzied race for name, fame, money. And we have been working nights and days. Continuously. Without a break.

A lot has happened. We have shifted office. After umpteen iterations of re-doing the same interior  work to achieve a minimum level of acceptability. It is a big and lovely office.Sometimes when I work alone in the night, I think ‘ ki hamari toh itni aukat nahin hai’. It is a dream which has come true. We have a good working space.  The team has walked out once again. Its easier to take the exit route under pressure. Its easier to walk away when there are deadlines and committments to keep. Very few men and women who are truly professionals. Who refuse to quit when the going gets tough.

My parents still think that I am sleeping around to make money. That a few men are funding me, since I am incapable of standing on my own two feet, at least in their eyes. I guess I will have to die with this dis-respect. The biggest crimes, the worst dis-respect always begins from home. The dis-respect from the world is always very small compared to the rejection from people who are supposed to care for us and do not or cannot.

Appu has decided to live on her own to get some focus on her life, away from me, away from GC. Very courageous act. Very lonely. For both of us. She needs space to grow up. But it is difficult to let go of one’s child. Difficult to accept that they need permission to live their own life according to their choices and face the consequences.

The elections, the netagiri, the speeches, the empty promises, the comparisons, the hope and the shattering of expectations again and again. It is very difficult to accept the truth. That no one can change our lives. We have to be our own messiah. Our own saviours. No one can bring about a miracle in our lives except ourselves and a Higher Power. People can support us. But no one can change our life for us. That responsibility is solely ours.

But it is easier to expect someone else to take responsibility for us. So we keep looking for a leader. For a saviour. Without becoming one ourself. This is a dream. An illusion. A mirage.

There is only one reality. Only one path. Only one choice.

To be a leader. In our own life. Because we can only choose the right leader when we become a leader ourselves.

Take it or leave it.





‘And why’

Work has begun in the newly leased office space. It is bareshell and a lot of renovation,fabrication,interior wok needs to be done to make it operational. Quite a job. Appu is coordinating with the architects and contractors and that is a major burden off my head. The biggest challenge facing us is that of building a good team. A team which has this ‘stuff of leadership’ one keeps hearing about. The stuff dreams are made of. We have a dream. A fantasy.

I think it is time we re-defined ‘poverty’. Poverty is not about having ‘nothing’. It is about having ‘everything’ and yet wanting ‘more’ by any means. It is about dis-respecting women and children. It is about hiding our true selves and presenting a painted mask to the world just to look good. It is about not confronting the truth for fear of loss of wealth or chair, even if it is staring us in the face. It is about producing bad quality work and getting away by saying that we are not educated enough. It is about selling our souls to make money fast. So the rich are sometimes poorer than the poorest. And the poor are often times richer than the richest. Bahut complicated hai.

We are also a country driven by bottomlines. Ten years ago it was ‘roti,kapda,makan’. And even today it the basics. The politics of this country is driven by the bottomline. Add to it ‘daaru’. So if the would be netas ( really?) offer khana,kapda and/or daaru, the promise of a few square feet of land, they get the votes. To achhi sarkar kahan se banegi? We are the ones selling our own futures so cheap. Whom can we blame? And the money to provide all this comes from the corporates. And hence politics becomes business. Based on M&M. Money and Muscle power. Mike par speech dene se koi neta thodi ban jaata hai. We have no leaders today. We have no one to look up to. That is a poverty that cannot be redeemed. Our younger generation is busy trying out the western culture. Whether it is clothes, lifestyle, drinking, smoking, girlfriends or easy money, they want it all and now. No spark. All plastic. I guess we are responsible. This is what we have created. Plastic people. Plastic money.

Where is the topline? What kind of a nation do we wish to be? What are the qualities we wish to live by? What do we wish to be known for? Can we just become clean for a change? Manage the garbage and drainage? Ensure clean water supply to all before creating more malls? Ensure enough parking space and open space before allowing more cars on the already overcrowded roads? Do good work in place of just trying to look good? We do not donate organs, we do not donate time and we certainly do not donate goodwill. Are we really human? The lawyers and judges are worse than prostitutes. Yes. The courts are worse than the so called red light areas where thousands queue up to buy and sell souls everyday.

More than money, we need to generate and achieve self-respect today. As a nation. As individuals.

So that our children do not turn around and ask us:

‘What the hell have you done?’

‘And why?’



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