I have a single momento of my mother. A shawl she had given me in very bad times. When I had no woollens at all. Sometimes I drape it around me and imagine its warmth to be the the love of my mother. I have never experienced it and therefore I can only imagine how it could/would have felt if it existed.

We have begun uploading the hindi maps of Uttar Pradesh, district and state level in the online shop. Actually that is quite a feather in our caps. Maps in Hindi. I mean anyone can make good maps in english. But Hindi is another story altogether. Chandan is now quite comfortable with the ins and outs of the working of the shop. That is quite a relief.

Hariom is getting familiar with the requirement of the real estate and the aviation guidelines for the software development. One step forward. We also have a few smaller projects. To dal roti ka jugaad hai. Cool.

Jugaad. Nice word. maybe everything in life is a jugaad.

Jugaad.

The next step. The growth chart. Its all hazy. Aaj to sambhal nahin raha. This day.

The payment gateway is still in limbo. Kamakhya has been asked to close it today. Let us see. Patience is the name of the game. Even if the results get announced when you reach Nigambodh Ghat. A lot of work needs to be done on PHBAAS. Specially since the Navi Mumbai airport also needs to be taken into consideration, along with the site elevations for the various grids based on the ASTER DEM contours. Dimpi is going to be working on the generation of a 3D surface today.

All is well. All will be well. I need to repeat this to myself a million times in a day to stay calm. Its alright. Work will happen. Money will come. There is no major catastrophe waiting round the corner. And no more bills for this month. My God, what a relief. (chinta mat karo beta, the next month is just ten days away!).

No news from my father. My mother, of course has been silent for a long time now. She has given up on me. Or let us say that she has given me up. I do not know which statement is more correct. My mother is a ‘Marwari’. From the land of ‘Marwar’ with varying names such as Maru, Marusthali, Marumedini, Marumandala, Marva, Marukantara, and Marudhara meaning a barren,deserted land of ‘death’. Maybe that is why life has been tough for her and for us. Maybe all in our family are from the ‘land of death’. And therefore ‘living’ is so tough for us.

From Marusthali,

The ‘land of death’.

PHBAAS, the thematic map showing maximum permissible height (according to AAI guidelines) for any given site in the city of Mumbai has been launched and we are hoping that it will generate a lot of interest in the real estate developers and architects. And hopefully we will be able to shift from being daily wage labourers to real engineers. Right now our life hangs between the start and end of a project.

The vendor who was supposed to integrate the payment gateway with our online shop has mis-behaved and hence the agreement with him stands cancelled. Kamakhya is searching for another vendor. The vendor who will provide us with the payment gateway has been finalized and freezed. So at least part of the work is done. The time it takes to convert an idea, a concept to a working reality is herculean. That is why it is so easy to give up at any stage. Cannot see the results or even hope for them for a long time.

There is ‘aloneness’ and there is ‘emptiness’. And I am not being able to connect to a Higher Power at all. There is a sense of agitation and meaninglessness. It is also dawning on me that my mother is a very ambitious woman and hence she moulded my brother on the basis of her own idea of a successful man. So he could never really be anyone or anything else. He has not been a brother at all, I wonder if he has been a father and son too.

After a very long time, we have an enquiry from a client. So that is good news. So far so good. Hopefully, we should be able to close it. A very small job but work is work. And revenue is revenue, all said and done.

Another day. Another hour. I have just suited up, booted up and showed up. My productivity levels are at an all time low. But after the trough, there should be a crest. That is how a wave is defined.

Surviving the trough.

Dimpi, Bhagat and Narendra have taken on the responsibility of shaping up the online shop before August 8, 2011, the launch date freezed for the shop. We have requested Paul and Adam to check the working of the paypal account since it is showing an error. We tried buying one of our own maps and the transaction did not get completed. The money transaction is important. At the end of the day. It is the only measure by which success is measured in the outside world.

I think I am done with the corporate world. Even without making loads of money. The whole process is quite meaningless (But I think I am saying that today because the office rent can be paid). Its amazing how philosophical words can be understood once the basics are in place.

I have placed a small tulsi plant on my table. Just some way of connecting with HP. The bird who has built a nest in one of the trees in our courtyard is very protective of her babies. The eggs have hatched and I was just trying to peep into the nest today to take a look and the bird flew around my head making a loud sound. I got the message and retreated.I was just thinking that, when even the birds are so protective of their children, how is it that my mother could just abandon me. Never got any answer to that. And I guess I never will.

Ashok is planning to finish the first basic distance module by friday. Bhagat and Balram have also defined their deadlines. Dimpi and Narendra will work on the interface. So far so good. We are all trying. ‘Trying sound good’. But it is never good enough for this world. After all we have been trying for several years now. It never worked in the outside world. The bankers said they only understand money. The landlord said that he only understands rent.
So we have to do better than trying. We have to do the ‘best’ in whatever it is that we choose to do.

Need to lessen the noise around me. It is so easy to create a lot of noise and hide one’s true self behind it. Hide our true feelings, intentions and soul. The noise becomes a cover up for the real ‘us’. And with time the real ‘us’ is lost. Only the ‘cover up’ remains.

And the ‘cover up’ covers us up completely.

The rest is all make-up. Illusions. Nothing real out there.

I dropped my mobile in the water, the blackberry if you may please (which was bought after many years of planning). So there is forced silence and it is actually quite nice. Apart from the worry that I may have busted it and therefore may not be able to use it again (nor buy another one), the break from calls is actually quite welcome.

There are a lot of pending bills with a lot of pending work. In the office and in the house. We are moving mm by mm, towards creating the online shop. Its a slow process. Everything that is worthwhile to achieve is a slow process. Patience is the name of the game. If it could be bought, a lot many more people would have it.

My father has not called in a long time. For many years, he was the one to inform me about any new tenders or opportunities for bidding. Maybe he is not well. maybe I should call and check. But its always ‘mother’ who takes the calls. And she left me long ago. Maybe both of them left me long ago, either emotionally or physically. Is it possible that love dies? Is it so simple?

I guess that is where I stand today.

If you win you lose, if you lose, you are a loser anyway.

The presentation at AAI was a disaster. We were not prepared at all for the detailed and in-depth questioning by the many officials present. I hope it has been a learning process for all of us. I hope it will spur us on to do better next time (if there is one of course).

The accounts are shaping up under Rajeev and we finally have a clear picture of the amount of service tax we need to pay. Some filing has also happened. And that in itself is huge considering the mess that was left by the earlier accountant.

Yesterday was friday and as per tradition, dimpi had cooked some delicious dishes in the office. It was a good get together with discussions and good food. Thank you Dimpi. It was a very good effort. Ashok has been given the responsibility of developing a few modules for the software under discussion.

Chal raha hai. We are moving forward (hopefully). At a snail’s pace mostly. But as long as we are moving I guess, we should be alright. To let go. To de-control. To let events happen the way universe intended them to happen, is perhaps the toughest thing to do.

What we resist will persist.
Newtons’ third law of motion.

Got a call from an Investment company suggesting that they could do ‘wealth management’ for us. I asked them ‘where is the wealth sweethearts’? We are just re-paying our loans and surviving. So there, we get our peace. No more calls. Its like if you have or are perceived to have money, people will try to connect,else they leave you pretty much alone. Ji lo kaise bhi. If you have no money and no property, you are like scum on the surface of the earth.

My father calls. Still behind the back of my mother. I do not know whether to feel happy or sad. Or not feel at all. That would be more peaceful. He is now doing this with Appu. I hate that. This secrecy being passed on to the next generation. When she calls and he cannot talk, he says I am in a meeting. What bullshit. Get a spine Dad.

Appu is giving her first board exam. Do well bebzer. But even if you don’t, I will still love you and I will still be there. We will find a way to live without good marks. Just as we found a way to live without money.
As long our spines are intact, everything is and will be fine.

Just fine.

I miss my parents. sometimes. The mother I always wanted to experience but never could. The father I always kept looking for. I am sure they did their best. I just parted ways with them long ago. Nostalgia. Its always a dangerous state of being. Takes one away from what is real.

Work. Yes work. Its moving. For now. we are part of the fight for more building height, more money, more everything. The real estate sharks. blood is cheaper than land. life cheaper than any relationship. There is a roof. for today. There is food. and the semblance of sanity. of having arrived. but ‘where’? and with reference to ‘what’?

Uselsee questions with equally useless answers.

as Kundan (another struggling enterpreneur) says often when I ask him, how he is doing.

Just killing the time you know.

Similarly the ‘gender bias’ exists. Even at the smallest level of a ‘family’.At least we talk about it. But that is where it ends. Talk is talk. It is not ‘walking the walk’.

Work. We have work. which is awesome. And we are not going down on our knees to get it. That is a truly awesome. Narendra,Dimpi and Shiva have become leaders in their own right. They are leading independent projects with minimal intereference from me ( the less I interfere the better it is for everybody!)

Work can never fill the ‘emptiness’ within. But is does take care of the bills I guess. My father constantly struggled between what he ‘had to do’ to earn ‘bread and butter’ for his family and what he ‘wanted to do’ of ‘loved to do’. He loved reading and writing and had loads of books and newspapers around him all the time. And my mother constantly fretted on how his knowledge could not be converted to money and was therefore useless. And we as kids had no idea of what ideology to follow.

The new office space is nearly ready. The white washing work should begin today. The plumbing and pantry work will follow after we shut this down and make it available for breakdown. ‘Make it available for breakdown’. Nice thought. Would that our lives could be dis-integrated and re-assembled to get a better one.

We are trying to get used to the ‘no crisis’ situation and ‘respect’ we are getting.

‘Respect’. That is what we have been struggling for, for so long.

‘respect’ without money is not OK.
‘respect’ with ‘money’ woud be cool.

Stay with us.

There are a lot of deadlines to be met in terms of delivering work and my mind is in a frenzy. Of course this has never happned before. We were always looking for work. So to get an opportunity to just focus on ‘doing work’ is a new experience.

Have a meeting at the ‘Airport Authority of India’ today. Need to understand the complexities of the Hyderabad Airport. Yet again. Working with AAI has definitely re-taught us the value of precision.

Appu mentioned last night that being an enterpreneur was like getting sucked in by a tornado. That business was like a shark which never sets you free till you die. Qiute a grim scenario. She is living with the effects and consequences of this way of life at very close quarters. She must be right. The pressure always increases in geometric progression.

Need to go for an NA meeting. Need a space to be silent. To be quiet.
Too much noise in the world around. There is ‘Euthanasia’ to end ‘physical pain’. I think ‘Euthanasia’ should also include ‘emotional pain’.

More often than not ‘emotional pain’ is worse than any ‘physical pain’.

‘Pain’. Feels and sounds familiar.