Appu has left to be with her father and grandparents on Holi. Good for her. She is mostly on her own here and being with an important part of her family will perhaps take away some loneliness. Taking decisions, taking a stand, what a toll it has taken.
Enough I guess.
No more fighting what is. what could be. God is in charge. Definitely not me. A lot of people have problems with me because I am a woman. I cannot change that. I have a lot of problems with people because they do not speak what is in their hearts. They shy away from the truth. The truth could shatter a lot of myths. So by keeping quiet we manage to get by. To survive.
I have shared the truth of my life with my batchmates of IITK, 1988 batch. I have also asked them to support us in whatever way they can. Almost all of them have responded. And some of them are planning to visit the office soon. I had thought of doing this once. A long time ago. When myself and Appu were on the roads. And when my parents refused to support me. But I did not have the guts. I wanted no one to know that I was in deep shit. So the thought came and left. I sold everything I could, except myself. I have to keep reminding myself that it is over. We are not on the roads. Not anymore. That we are safe. And taken care of.
I have been shouting and screaming a lot lately. Appu says I need a soundproof room. In the house and in the office. My mind says: what would be the cost sweetheart? The cost. There is a cost to everything. I have learnt that the hard way. There is a cost for being honest. There is cost for not pleasing people. There is cost to just living on this planet, apart from the bills of course.
I do not think we are after money or power. Its just that life becomes very easy on many fronts if there is excess money and power. It is as if with money, we can move from the Newtonian frame of reference to the Non newtonian frame of reference. Many laws,rules and regulations which are applicable in the Newtonian frame do not apply in the Non newtonian frame of reference. And then it is easier to make even more money (and mayhem). Nobody wants to know how that money has been earned (until it is too late in the day to hide a scam or the deeper politics behind it). We bow to money, to power and to a portrait of Gandhi. makes us look good you know. If we could just respect ‘time’ more than ‘money’, we would not have to deal with corruption and bribes.
We have finished the first phase of calculations for the site in Mumbai. We are also very close to testing the software module for the Santa Cruz airport. And Gagan is struggling with the kind of maps to be launched in the online shop. The basis are in place for the online shop. We just need to keep adding different and good quality maps.
We are in the process of re-structuring the team (please have one first!). I mean we are trying. More interviews (Oh God! Not again).
Dear God, please bless us.
What do you want my child, time or money?
we don’t know. What will we do with time and no money?
And what will we do with money and no time?
I mean what about a negotiation here?
A combination you know. A deal.
Wait wait God. do not just walk away like that. Let us think.
can we talk?
No, my child we cannot talk. We cannot do a deal here. You have to choose.
Keep thinking. maybe clarity will dawn when you reach Nigambodh ghat.
Yes, the final destination.
When nothing else matters. The houses built, the name and the fame earned or unearned. The matches, won and lost. Nothing matters.