Its a sunday and for once I do not have to get the rations. Ajay (The HR manager) has taken the responsibility to do it. I always get the ‘atta, chawal’ from the ‘chakki’ but I managed to finsh that on friday. The major cleaning exercise of the office was finshed on saturday, our weekly cleaning day. The doormats were washed, the pantry and toilets were scrubbed and an antivirus scan was done for all the computers. So I can go for a long walk today and spend some time with the trees.

Appu was extremely unwell last evening with a splitting headache and symptoms of food poisioning but she is better today and that is a relief.
She has her dance performance scheduled in Pilani and she is very excited about it. Their practice is on in full swing and the costumes are also ready. She will leave for Pilani with her team on the 19th. I am very happy for her.

‘Work’ is still elusive. But there are talks in process and there is hope. And ‘hope’ is a good thing. It is the only ‘thing’ sometimes.
Bills, responsibilities, work, money, looking good.
I guess we are in the right direction. And maybe that is all that matters.

‘The direction’.

Letting go, I am learning is the hardest part of being true to oneself. Letting go of relationships, of things, of spaces which do not work for us anymore. There is always this hope. In the case of relationships that they might get better and in the case of things that we might just need them sometime, somewhere. Except that nothing changes. What does not work, does not work. taking a decision either way is tough. Its easier to live with clutter. If we let go of everything, what will remain. just emptiness. just aloneness. And ourselves. And would it be easy to live with our own selves? I have always heard in the NA meetings that to live with someone else, it is first important to be able to live alone with ourselves.

We should be able to pay the salaries for the month of March. How cool is that. And the rent. That is awesome man. Kya bolen. It is like winning the match. With all the odds against us.

Statistics. Numbers, turnovers, marks, percentages, traffic, number of visitors. How does it matter? In the end, is that all that matters? Funny.Tragic. Comic.

Conversion of human life to statistics.

Just numbers.

What a quantum leap in our civilization.

We lost a tender yesterday over a micro difference of Rs. 2000=00. What is Rs. 2000 over a few lacs. But that is what it took for us to lose the race. The difference of a few nano seconds. I guess that is all it always takes. The difference of a few seconds, marks or numbers to lose the game. And a winner is a winner. ‘Jo jeeta wohi sikander’.

We have a client by reference from none other than the AAI (Can you believe it?). A reference client! Kya baat hai. I mean most of the clients hate us (mostly me) by the time the project is finished and here we are with a new client referred to us by the old one. It will take time for reality to sink in. It is the eighth wonder for us in the world. And apparently the chairman of AAI is recommending our work to all. Collars up guys. Good achievement. All that studying (along with the cribbing) did not go waste after all.

We exist. As of today.

And that is huge.

Looks as if both are similar jungles. Only the fittest survive. And everything is fair. Winning is everything. Numbers are everything, whether in money or votes.

So being honest is really not important. And it is also like a match. If the other team is bending to unscruplulous means to win, what are we supposed to do?

Get continuously defeated?

Yashi Consulting has continuously challenged our self respect, our honesty and in the end, they have also stopped our payment.

The last straw on the camels’ back.

Today, I can undertsand why people take to cheating and dis-honesty. People like Mr. Sanjay Gupta and bogus companies like Yashi consulting who cheat. And to fight with them, one has to lower ones’ standards.
To fight a monster, become a monster.

And this is where the mafia comes in. Immediate settlement. Fair and square.

Maybe we need the same. When all our faxes, all our mails, all our pleading fails, creating fear for getting justice.

Maybe this is how terrorists are born.

Reality is very strange.

The turnover of the company should look good ( number crunching exercise with some manipulations thrown in for greater effect). Sometimes it can backfire like in the case of Satyam guys. I guess they went overboard with the manipulation. The turnovers were all fake. But they were real for a number of years. The common man believed them. The banks believed them. They looked good you see.

Similarly, in our lives, we just fake everything, our feelings , emotions, relationships just to look good. ‘Feeling good’ is secondary. ‘Looking good’ is the ‘be all and end all’. Our family may be dysfunctional but its not OK to talk about it. There may be abuse of all kinds in the family but the message always is, push it under the carpet. If there is alcoholism or some other addiction in the family, don’t ever talk about it. In fact assume that it does not exist. Just ‘act’ normal.

How much damage this ‘looking good’ business causes.

But maybe ‘feeling good’ may mean letting secrets out, showing the real me, standing in the sunlight just as I am with all my faults and foibles and that would be scary man. Very scary. What if everyone rejected me?

So hiding is next best option. Act as if. Act as if evertything is OK. Act as if there is nothing wrong. And do this for a generation till it becomes a false reality for the next generation and the cycle of ‘acting good’, abuse, addiction continues over the next few generations till someone decides not to look good.

The choices we make are never easy. But I guess for me today ‘feeling good is definitely more important’.

Whatever the cost may be. Anyway, there is nothing more to lose.

‘All is quiet on the western front’