Walkout in a group (bhed chaal), definitely provides one moment of glory. One moment of feeling important. Gives that one moment of revenge. A high. But after that there is still a life to face, a career to build and the real issues. Because the real issues do not walk out of our lives just like that. And definitely not in a group! I think ‘bhed chaal’, is the only way we have learnt to live. Do what the other person is doing. Follow the crowd. It is an easier softer option and also provides acceptability in the group, which after all is extremely important. If we do not have a backbone and also have no group to back us, how the hell do we stand up. The mission of the group is immaterial. It could be political. It could be religious. It could be just plain fury and revenge. The mission does not matter. What matters is that the consequences of the actions of a ‘group’ can go unpunished. It is difficult to assign blame to any one person in a group. So everyone can get away. Cause damage and run away.
We are taking an inventory of the time, money and resources available to us. Together with the interviews. And the daily administrative jobs. Got a call from an existing client in Mumbai today. It always feels good. To know that the client is happy with our work.
Maybe we are ready for the next level in terms of technical proficiency and mature professionals. We are ready for a more mature and experienced team with less groupism. It is all for the best. We also have a lot of negative comments coming in. Which means that we have a lot of well wishers! Good. Nobody kicks a dead dog. The more negative the comments, the greater will be our drive to move ahead.
The salaries for this month have been paid (ok, huge sigh of relief), even though it has meant losing the entire team just after payday. At least some of the bills have been paid. The excel sheet is still intimidating and Diwali is just round the corner but we have never truly gifted expensive things to anyone. Be it the bankers, the clients or our team members. We always make a gesture, however small and that is about it. Hopefully, we will be able to manage this year also. The gifts, the diyas and the puja. For the first time in many years, Appu is going to be here on ‘Choti Diwali’ and that is huge. I mean we will light some diyas together before she leaves for Kashipur the next day.
There is a sense of betrayal. It is getting more and more difficult to have faith in people. That is and has been the biggest loss. I lost faith in my family a long time ago. And now I am losing faith in people. Looking for bread in a hardware store.
OK. I just need to focus on this hour, this day for now. The rest will fall in place. I need to feel alright before I embark on a journey to get everything else alright. To feel spiritually complete. More than any other poverty, it is spiritual poverty which is the biggest silent killer.
I think I should invite God over to lunch some day. You know, like for a chat maybe. Its just getting very unmanageable out here.
On this Earth.
It has been discovered that Vinod, who was supposed to be taking care of the hardware was actually visiting porn sites for entire days. The srever room is away from the technical section and the server is placed such that it is not visible even through the CC TV installed. Hence it was easy for him to indulge in these activities. ‘Respect for the workplace’ has become an unheard of phrase. It is disgusting to say the least. He has been thrown out but every time a team member deos something to damage the company, the faith levels go down and take a dip. It has also been discovered that the other team members frequently visit job sites. Nothing to be done. They cannot be stopped from looking for that ‘one dream job’ that would meet all their requirements, that would be painless with a lot of money and frills attached. It is beyond me. I think it has to do with not being at peace with where one is right now. Nevertheless there is pain and hurt at this kind of behaviour. The misuse of office time, resources and vision. We have not blocked any sites, we get no bond signed from any person and maybe it is difficult for them to handle ‘freedom’. Maybe ‘control’ is what we are comfortable with. ‘Discipline by force’. Pathetic.
A lot of work is pending in the house and in the office. The business plan is lying in cold storage. A lot of mails have to be sent. And of course we need work. A lot has been lost. In terms of faith in people, in family,in systems. It can be referred to as ‘growing up’. Or it can be termed as ‘disillusionment’. Call it what you may.
NATMO has still not paid up. I wonder what gives government bodies the right to withhold payment after taking the entire work. Upteen calls and letters have not helped. It is pointless to take them to court. It would take ages and cost more than what is due. If we were to charge compensation for the delay in payment, that in itself would amount to ten times the original cost of the project. It might be prudent to explore the option. We will have to get used to the idea of taking errant people to court, even if it is unpalatable.
The atta and chawal have finished in the office. Oh God, not again. The washbasin is leaking in the toilet and there is seepage elsewhere. It seems that the plumbers,carpenters and electricians will be needed forever.
The battle has begun,or it is over. It has been won or it has been lost.
Or maybe it does not matter at all.
‘Water’ is an ‘online’ issue. I discovered this when we barely got any water for four days. And when I went to the officer in charge of the colony for water supply, I was told that I needed to install an online pump with a higher horse power as all the neighbouring pumps were of a higher H.P and hence with greater suction ability. The resulting pressure drop in the line ensured that we did not get any water supply. The other option was to remove all the online pumps (which of course is unrealistic). So, we need an online pump with a power of at least 1 H.P and we need a plumber to do the replacement. Great! ‘Roof’ was an issue. Now ‘water’ is also an issue. I wonder what is next. maybe ‘air’.
The ‘great’ family get together was today. I went in the morning to attend a small ‘satsang’ at my parents’ house (despite misgivings of an impending disaster). The ‘satsang’ was a video cassette of the ‘Gurus’ speech being played on a large LCD TV ( bought and gifted by my multi crore brother). It could not do full justice to the fake hallowed environment of covered heads and muted talk and a ‘pretense of being there’. I got up after a while and made myself a cup of tea and sat silently in a corner in another room. That truly felt like some kind of ‘satsang’.
The ‘satsang’ over, there was an exchange of gifts (like jewellery of gold,emeralds and pearls and money(huge)). I was quite a misfit in the entire scenario and to cover up the embarassment of having a ‘poor’ daughter, they decided to gift me an envelope with Rs. 500=00. I was also offered one of my own sarees (sold to my mother in bad times) to wear in the evening and some artificial jewellery to look good (for them of course!)My brother also offered to have me dropped to my house in an old dilapidated spare car which was also being used to transport one of their maids. So the maid and I could be clubbed together to get a ride back. I mean truly, somethings never change. my ‘Family of origin’ is one of them.
Of course, I did not attend the function in the evening in a glamourous hotel with a glamourous gathering. I had had enough glamour in the morning and enough dis-respect from my own family for a lifetime. If there is no respect where one is born and brought up, how can one expect any respect from the world outside.
Mr. Silakari of Aakar Consultants called up and was rude and loud. I disconnected the line as I have no wish to be shouted and screamed at anymore. We are doing very good work for Nagaur and Uniyara and beyond that it does not really matter. Who has written to whom and what and when is a non-issue. The politics of a government department never ceases to amaze me. More than the work the most important question is ‘who is closer to whom’ and ‘who has written to whom’ and ‘why’. Beyond me.
The new office space is being worked upon. It is what we call ‘ a work in progress’. Hopefully it will be a ‘complete work’ very soon (before we are thrown out of this office).
Work, money, self respect. The more self respect we are willing to give up on, the more money we can make. And if we wish to keep our self respect intact, forget about making huge money buddy.
Self respect and money. Inversely proportional relationship.
I guess the fight for us is more about maintaining our self respect and less about making money.
Nevertheless, a fight is a fight.
All said and done.