One enquiry for PHBAAS. Good. very good. Of course the query was about why it was so expensive. Bhai dimag lagaya hai. Technology hai. It is not just another map. All this was explained to the potential customer. So it is time now for wait and watch. Meanwhile, Narendra is designing the packaging for the product. He has become our designer apart from being the GIS team leader.

Amma has left for the village. Her husband is not well so she is going there to look after him. Shakuntala has taken her place for cooking lunch in the office. Today it was Narendra’s turn to cook dinner and he made a lovely pulao for all of us. It has also been decided that next week, it will be an Assamese dish with steamed rice and black coffee. It is good to know that our technical team consists of great cooks too.

Water and electricty have been a problem. It has been raining incessantly and the drainage of Delhi is very ill equipped to deal with this quantum of rain. So the transport logistics have been badly affected and everyone reached the office quite late (but at least they reached and did not declare it a rainy day holiday!).

There are the bills. Some of them have been paid. We placed an Advertisement for the position of an accountant and there are countless CV’s pouring in. A written test for the attitude and accounting capability has been designed and each applicant is being asked to give the test. Hopefully, this will give prove beneficial to both the candidate and the company.

There is pain and there is loneliness. And there is this path to walk. To walk the walk.

And the oven needs repair. And a gas cylinder had to bought in black. And the office rations have to be bought over the weekend.

Tangentially opposite directions. The small things and the big things.
Could never really figure out which one is more important. The big stuff or the small stuff.

The big vs The small.

Project nahin hai. Aa jayega bhai. But when? The bills will not wait for anything or anyone. They keep pouring in through the month. Look to the sky for your answers buddy. The sky knows it all.

We are planning to mail our newsletter to some of the clients (as if we have many). We have decided against sending it to AAI as they are not pleased with our good work anyway. I guess we have become an irritant to them in more ways than one. This has become an integral ‘ part of our scope of work’. To irritate people at all levels. We do it unintentionally and yet we do it. All the time. Our efforts to do a job well creates ‘irritation’ and ‘noise’.

The accounts are still in ‘limbo’. Not just because Rajeev left, but because there is a long history of errors/gaps in various places and stages in the accounts and almost all the accountants including Rajeev did only the bare minimum make-up required to make them presentable. But being presentable is not equal to being OK and therein lies the catch. Now to make them alright, a lot of graves will have to be dug, blame will have to be assigned and the CA responsible for heading the entire operation might also need to come under the scanner and may even need to be changed. Now that is a tall order indeed. So we are still at loggerheads. Wait and watch. Clarity will emerge with time.

Thus far and no further.

At the crossroads.

I guess am not being able to do a good job. That is what it comes down to. The one who is leading is responsible. Regardless of whose mistake it actually is. I am not being able to lead. I just manage to create a lot of sound and fury with no tangible results.

Worried about the admission of Appu in a good college. Have no idea how to go about it or even start the process. Cut off list,forms,visits and god knows what else. There is news that the process is being simplified from this year. It would truly be a much needed welcome relief.

chal raha hai. but is ‘chalna’ enough? Is just ‘living’ enough?

We were always told,sab theek ho jayega. Finish your studies,get a good job and everything will be fine. I am OK, you are Ok (or will be ok) and basically that you will learn to pretend that everything is alright (even when it is not). Nothing will be OK but you will learn to ‘fake it to make it’.

Its one of those days again. Ok.
One step at a time. Get ready. Take lunch. Go to work.

The universe and myself are in good hands.

There is no need and nothing for me to control.

There is a lot of ‘change’ happening around us and any kind of ‘change’ is stressful. There is ‘work’ and it is more than we have handled before. The office needs to be changed and that is also a ‘stress’. But the shift in my opinion has to be in the mind rather than in any physical sense. To move from a ‘cramped space’ and ‘deprivation of thought’ to ‘abundance’ and ‘richness’ and ‘ vast open spaces’ in the head. The ‘head’ is the place where the magic happens. And to take the team along in this transformation is a huge task.

We are cruising along as of now at a steady speed. There are loans and instalments and payments to be made. But for once, the fear is less. There is hope and the winds are favouring us (a clear sky, no fog). Visibility is high and we know the direction in which we are heading (that in itself is a miracle). I think HP’s (Higher Power) radar has detected us finally and we are being looked after and guided towards a safe landing (This is the result of being surrounded by aviation language!).

Dimpi is handling the Nagaur and Uniyara project on her own ( good work Dimpi) and we all have faith in her capabilities. We argue and fight sometimes but that is ok. Its part of the process of executing a live project. Himanshu and Shiva have come to the office on time today (can you believe it?). Hats off guys. Keep it up.

Arvind is back after the survey of Uniyara and with the khasra maps of the villages. Hopefully work will start on this town today.

‘Time’. Desperately looking for time ‘to be’ with myself. To be with Appu. Choosing to be an enterpreneur implies that there is ‘no money’ most of the time. But what about a little ‘time’. Think about it HP. Just trying to negotiate here. ‘Time’ in place of ‘money’. You could consider that. Its definitely worth a thought.

Do not give me that ‘one moment in time’ when the world is thunderously applausing me, just give me one moment in time when I could quietly be with myself and feel peace. Just give me that one moment in time when I can look in my daughters’ eyes and know that I did not fail her, that I did my best.

When I know that I did not stay quiet when I should have spoken up. When I know that I have done my bit to leave this world slightly better and cleaner, When I know that at I have contributed in making at least one more life happier.

Before the baton is passed on to the next gen.

And I might be travelling to Mumbai on tuesday for a site visit for a potential client. And for once it will be a paid round day trip by air. And the icing on the cake is that I might even be travelling ‘business class’. Now that is ‘huge’. From ‘economy’ to ‘business class’. I always felt that the air hostesses gave a much sweeter smile and a warmer welcome to the ‘business class’ passengers. Now I might get to check this first hand except that I am not a ‘man’ and of course ‘a man is a man’ ( I guess that is why men wish to earn and flaunt their money (specially before women (attractive ones for sure)).

(OK just got to know that it is going to be ‘premium economy class’ after all, never mind, another day,another time!)

Attended a PTA meeting in my daughters’ school today and it was a discussion of marks, percentages and all the most useless stuff of life. The ‘system’. How to appear ‘successful’ in the ‘system’. It is never about concepts, or exploring new ideas or opportunities. ‘Marks’ lao kaise bhi’. I met the Vice Principal and he came across as an uninspiring,unintelligent man just doing a routine job. Not someone who could inspire brilliance or excellence or creativity. A lot of Physics books were lined by his side and I was tempted to ask him ‘but what about ‘The Feynman lectures’? The volumes of the ‘Feynman lectures’ are the finest treasures in understanding Physics. But of course the they do not follow a syllabus and a syllabus is everything.

Lage raho. Chalte raho. Keep living. Keep trying. Within or without the system.
Its not going to be easy either way buddy.

Take it or leave it.

The meeting with the chairman at AAI went ‘well’ (although our height calculations are proving our (the clients’) case to be baseless). I mean we (our real estate client) has appealed for a greater height and our calculations (based on the guidelines of AAI) are proving that it is not a possibility. So basically we are proving our own case as lost. Now this is ludicrous. We have appealed and we are also saying that the appeal is baseless. Its a little mixed up. Quite mixed up actually. The presentation is on the 22nd. Dekh lenge. We will see, as always.

We are talking about kickbacks with another potential client. Cannot seem to be able to ‘kick the kickbacks’. Fingers crossed. So when the ‘bank’ called me today, I told them that maybe they could give us some more money for giving kickbacks and then maybe we would not be in the red. The guy was flabbergasted. His whole attitude was, look at the audacity of this woman. The TOD has not been cleared and she wants more money. What is to be done. ‘Audacity’ and ‘Tenacity’ is all we have as of now. ‘of purpose’, ‘of intention’, ‘of existence’.

Office space(no idea), bills (no idea), rent (no idea), toh idea hai kiska bhaiyya (no idea).
I have become archaic (I guess thats older than being just plain old). So, I should be in a museum, not here on the battlefield.

Our punchline for every call these days is:
‘We are on the job’.

I think thats a good one liner. For clients, for debtors, for the bank, for whoever cares or dares to call us.

Sweetheart, ‘we are on the job’. (what we don’t say is, please do not get back to us and leave us alone).

Narendra is in Lucknow and is getting the soft copies of the maps to be rectified. This of course is the upteenth time that the maps are being rectified. And there are some maps for which the editing required is still not clear. More queries for training are coming in and that is a good development.

The bank, ah yes ‘The Bank’. It is breathing down our back. The TOD is long overdue and we have no solution for them, as yet. We are talking, of course we are talking to various ‘potential’ clients but talking is just that, talking. It is not ‘walking the talk’ or even ‘walking the walk’.

My brother called. That is quite an amazing development. I guess it would look good for him to have a sister tie a rakhi on rakshabandhan. Thats about it. So me and Appu have decided to go for a short time. Follow the ritual and get back. asap. And not get into potentially dangerous areas like, work, money, relationships. Fake it to make it. And get out. I remember my mother doing a lot of ‘puja’ to have a ‘son’. And the ‘son’ has done her extremely proud by making tons of money at a young age. And by still being attached to her and not cutting the umbilical cord. ‘Aur ek maa ko kya chhahiye’?

My shampoo got over and I washed my hair with ezee (which is actually meant to wash woollens). Earlier I did it because of a stringent budget. Now it is just an option when none of us ( me or appu)is willing to shop for the basics. Not that we have too much of excess money now.The net result is that I have a lot of white hair. And I guess they look nice. Maybe they also indicate that I should just retire. Its about time. But the ‘loans’ sweetheart. The ‘loans’ have to be re-paid.

‘Looking Good’ is very important. Just like a family cleans and decorates the drawing room and puts on a happy smile for guests just to ‘look good’. The insides may be in pain and all the clutter may have been moved to the bedrooms or the toilets but the drawing room will look good. And the family will appear ‘Oh so much in love and so much together’. That is what we are doing as a country. Spending crores to look good for the visitors. At the cost of everything else. But what after the party is over guys? The reality will still be real and ‘not so good’.

My mind is in a turmoil today and probably I am not making any sense. The pricing matrix has still to be completed.

Another of those unproductive days.

Just being human.

To be still. To not do anything. To wait for a solution to emerge. To not take any action, I think is more difficult than constantly doing something. Just to be is far more challenging than being busy and spending energy doing useless and meaningless tasks.  And ‘to be’ is what I am trying at the moment. To let clarity emerge. To not try to force a solution by controlling, manipulating.

Appu has been talking to a few publishers and one of them has shown interest in publishing the maps we have cartographed. We are considering an outright sale of data to meet our immediate funding requirements. Although a royalty on each Atlas printed would mean revenue for a lifetime, but the crisis generated by the Yashi project has to be dwealt with. So the samples are being couriered to the publisher today and then hoepfully a meeting whould follow. We have very beautifully cartographed maps in english and hindi. Each map is like a piece of art and me and all of us are very proud of the work that has been done. The hindi maps have been prepared over a period of two years and they are simply breathtaking in their presentation and authenticity of data.

The CA is talking to potential investors and I have no idea what direction it will take. I did ask the CA whether anyone on the board of directors was a ‘womanizer’. And he laughed and he said ‘no,no’. They do not see any gender,caste,color,creed,sex’. They only see ‘money’. Kya baat hai. He says thay talk ‘money’, walk ‘money’, think ‘money’. Great. So at least they will not flirt with our girls. I am anyway on the other side of 40 and minus any charms. And we are learning to handle talks about ‘money’. So far so good.

Narendra and Dimpi were sharing yesterday how they have learned to live with the constant threat of bomb blasts in Assam where they belong. I was truly awed by their tenacity of purpose. It must be difficult to live with death staring constantly in your face. What would be the inspiration to study, to make a career when you have no idea when you could die. I am humbled. I guess that is how they have survived in GC. pata nahin, next moment main kya hoga. But death is far more inspiring and scary than the dirth of money. I am proud of you guys. I am learning from you.

Veena I think has grown up through all this. She is seeing the various angles of men and in the process, I think she has matured. The childishness is a little less. It has been a reality check for her. She is also doubting if Rahul Kaushik could have fallen in love with her head over heels on a train journey. And if there was any future that he could have offered apart from the Orkut messages and an online virtual relationship. Or a brief clandestine affair behind his wifes’ back for a year or two.

All is well or will be well (I hope).

‘Money’ decides the morality, the relationships between individuals, between family members, between countries. So all this cultural exchange and openness and tolerance are all beautiful words which are nice to read and sell.

Nowhere is this more visible to me than in my own family. My mother and brother call the shots. Decide who speaks with whom. Decide what is to be gifted to whom and when. Decide who should be ostracized. Decide almost everything. And needless to say they have the biggest amount of money. My brother is running a company with a turnover of over 6 crores and my mother, well she has deposits and of course a son who has the money.

Wish me luck anyway. With great difficuty the travel arrangements have been made, the documents have been collected and I have enough to survive a day in Jaipur(provided I don’t eat too much and that too in an expensive restaurant!). Isn’t there any bonus for being an enterpreneur? Like some discounts you know. Makes a lot of sense to me.

The rest has been quite. No drama today. Quite a change.

I hope enough inspiration comes to me to be able to close the deal.

If tommorrow comes.

I am getting ready mentally for a potential business partner. Maybe that would mean increased growth, distribution of responsibilities, funding.. Maybe I am in the burnout phase. Just too tired most of the time.

The salaries for February and most of the pending bills need to be cleared. Except that I have no idea how.
The bank has refused to increase our limit at all unless we show some collateral, property against which they might consider our request. And ‘property’? You must be joking guys. Where is the property?

So I checked out the process of developing a business plan. And it is a herculean task. And how can you go on and on writing (actually praising) about your concept, services,idea, whatever..
par karna to padega.

VC’s,angel investors, angels.. please visit GC.

I have not contributed an iota in my daughters’ final exams. If at all, I have been whining and have been depressed around her.

I am going insane.

Don’t check me out.