We are in the midst of some challenging projects. Thoda dar hai. I mean they are not conventional projects ( but when have we followed the conventional path in any area of our life?). A lot of reading, discussions and brainstorming is required. We love it and that is what keeps us going. The fact that there are constantly new challenges and hidden threats at every nook and corner of the path.
There is money to pay the bills for this month. I mean that is great. Because the 7th of every month was a terror for so long. And all the bills (love letters) hold no fear for us anymore. That our lives are abundant today is a miracle beyond our wildest dreams. That we also have ‘respect’ is an added bonus. We actually worked only for earning ‘respect’ and somehow the ‘money’ came along with it. It has reinforced our belief that running after money is of no use at all. It comes to us when we are ready to receive it.
The office is running. The pantry is churning out three meals a day ( not to forget the midnight snacks) and is getting better at providing healthy meals for all ( from the peon to the manager, no discrimnation at all). There is water. There is work. Thank you God. Thank you very much. For everything. The admin is in place. The accounts is in place. The technical team is also strong. Amazing. Aewsome. We are truly blessed.
Appu has chosen to dance. Full time. Daytime. Nighttime. All the time. So be it. This is what comes naturally to her.This is who she is. A dancer. Just took me a lot of time to accept it in the ‘gut’. The ‘nut’ (brain’) accepted it but takes time to travel from the nut to the gut. Wish you all the best Appu. Go follow your dream. Wherever it takes you.
I have been invited by ‘family’. Yes by my brother. It is strange as they have dis-owned me from the past so many years. My father has shared that my mother has willed the entire property in the name of my brother and that he wants to record my statement ‘ that I need no part of it and that I will never go to court to ask for my share’. Aisa bhi hota hai. How many laws can you make? If the men of the family do not wish to give the rightful due to their daughters/sisters, then all the laws are redundant and uselss.
We are working most nights. And attending calls/meetings most days. So we are all very tired. I guess that is the price we have to pay for earning an honest living, for wanting respect more than money. I hit a truck head-on in the early hours of the morning while returning from one such night out. The car got crushed and I have no idea how I got saved miraculously. Guess God has got some work planned for me on this planet Earth which is as yet unfinished. Thanks HP.
A lot is going on in the world outside. Politics, scams,dis-honesty,rapes. And it hurts. Yet, we have come to accept that we are powerless over everything except our selves and our actions. If we can live a good, clean, honest life, if we can each be a leader in our own area, if we can clean up our side of the street, if we can be self supporting and stop being parasites on the world, it will be a good start.
A very good start.
We have a team. Just that it is not a ‘winning’ team. The challenge is to have a ‘winning’ team. A team wanting to win at any cost. That is what we need. People who do not base their decisions on money. Who are not saleable items to be bought at a high price. Kahan milte hain? Every feeling,every emotion, every person today has a price tag. And that is the poverty. The worst kind of poverty. The poverty of thought.
Groupism, Unionbazi galore. Even in a small team such as ours. kar lo yaar. Kaam important nahin hai. Non issue ko issue bana lo. And let us keep fighting. Till we all die and persih. And then we can blame it on me or the country or the lack of opportunity or the weather or the food or the timing. What a waste of talent and intelligence. Just when we need to stand together and face the crisis the company is in, we are choosing to fight. Good work. let us keep it up. Let us use our fists and legs and punch each other. Why just prepare a demand charter. Let us go all out and show the stuff we are made of.
Will Gandhigiri work in such an environment? Simple living and high thinking. You bet.
‘Hamen bade log nahin chhahiye. hamen chhote log chahiye jinki soch badi ho’. Give us men and women who are alive. Give us men and women are are trained to do a job well to perfection. Who do not need to be trained to perform effortlessly and gracefully. Whose life and work is a perfect dance in harmony. Who do not need to be told to do an errorfree quality job. We can then talk about the package. We could then perhaps talk about the timings.
The problem is that we are all looking for an wasy way out. The shortest route to success. And a job. Just a job. We are not really committed to being successful or in winning the match. Just being on the field is enough for us. But it should not be enough. We have to be hungry and passionate about the match.
Hungry and passionate.
End of the day. Very hectic. Two meetings ( as if a lot is achieved in meetings), one conference call and in the end a discussion with the team. I hope we have achieved the ‘aaj ki dhyadi’ today. Labourers that we are in the realm of GIS. We have to earn our daily bread. The traffic, the noise, the road rage. The intolerance of people. The lies. The manipulations. That is where the real tiredness lies. Not in the actual work.
We are nearly done with the pre-feasibility reports of a few sites. Chandan has uploaded the UP district maps in hindi along with their scale, description and price. Waiting for the first sale to happen on the online shop. Hariom is finding his feet and has inched forward in the application we are developing using open source GIS. That is a huge breakthrough. Just the fact that we are moving forward and are not stuck, at least technically. Emotionally and financially, there are still miles to cover.
We have found a decent cook for the office and everyone is happy about the quality of food being served (Thank God!). The rats are being taken care of and the office is clean. Quite an achievement.
We are approaching the end of the month (Do I need a reminder?). And that means the beginning of next month. Need I say anymore. The excel sheet is damn scary. The outgoing being much higher than the incoming (which is a trickle). Time to hand over. Surrender. Time to just get on my knees and ask for a miracle. Again (How many times can God do a miracle for us?).
There are successful people all around. Seems like they have it all. But cannot compare their outsides with our insides. They have their race to run and we have ours. There is no competition at all. Hence no need for feeling resentful. We are where we are supposed to be. period. Take it or leave it.
I am glad the day is over for today. Have not been feeling too well since morning. Appu also needs a visit to the doctor for her toe which has been hurting since she went to Pune for her performance. Tommorrow. Tommorrow is always another day.
Another lease for 24 hours.
There is always a price to pay. sooner or later. I think my father was absent on many critical moments when he should have been present for my mother. And he is now making amends to her by being there even if he would rather not. Even if it means not being available as a father. I don’t know if this makes sense. Most of what happens in life makes no sense at all anyway. You just face the ball as it comes.
Too many gadgets in the house create clutter. They take on a life of their own and need a lot of space and attention. It was cool to keep water in earthen pitchers, to wash clothes by hand, to eat simple meals and wash utensils without a dish washer. We have just complicated our lives. and then we wonder as to how the hell did it get so complicated.
Mostly the right and wrong are not very clear. the difference in life and death is also muddy. How many times do we die without actually dying. And how many times are we re-born without the actual physical birth. chakkar pe chakkar hai.
We did get the work order finally from the real estate client. jaan bachi to lakkhon paaye. Our life has been saved one more time. Its amazing how we keep getting into potentially fatal situations only to be able to wriggle out of them with Gods’ grace. mostly with our dignity intact. we have incurred financial losses in many of them but that would be secondary on the priority list of losses.
There is no admin/HR manager as of now and Rajeev will have to step in again to wear multiple hats. Nothing new here.
Dimpi will have to step into the shoes of Narendra as he is on leave. We keep stepping into each others’ shoes. Very unprofessional I must say (but whoever said that we were professional anyway!)
The multi-tasking is getting to me and I have been screaming and shouting at Appu. I guess I am ‘mentally unstable’ if not ‘mentally sick’. My family may be right about that.
Family, the word meant a lot to me at one time. It was the entire world, before it all fragmented down to me and my daughter.
The ruins of a monument are sometimes more beautiful than the original monument.
Just like a ruined soul is more beautiful to behold than the body which houses it.
The Jaipur trip was positive. A lot of discussions and negotiations. I was very tired as I had taken an early morning train and had had only very few hours of sleep. And the train was a chair car, which is exhausting.
Nevertheless, I think the facts were presented very well and the next step was clearly defined. So fingers crossed for now. There was a split second doubt in my mind when I thought that ‘My God, I am a woman and they may have second thoughts about dealing with me’ and then I let it go. I really cannot change my gender. Too late for that anyway.
My father came to visit me in the office yesterday for a few minutes. Somehow his visit always perturbs me. He asks questions and in my mind I am rattling questions of my own. Why can’t you stand up for me in the family. Why have my daughter and I been ostracized from the family unit. Why was there no support, emotional or finnacial when my marriage broke up. Why did you not let me study literature as I wanted to. And many such queries. Questions which will never be answered, as emotional honesty has never been a hallmark of our family. We only want to look good. At any cost.
Still looking for a good and responsible accountant. Need to work on the business plan. And a lot of other smaller issues.
My daughter feels that I am not giving her enough time or attention. And rightly so.
Talking the talk is easy. Walking the walk is killing. jaan nikal jati hai.
I am leaving for Jaipur tommorrow for discussions and meeting with a potential client. ‘Potential’, now that is a huge word like an empty womb waiting. And there will be ‘negotiations’, which actually means ‘ reduce the price to meet our budget else just fuck off, there are others waiting in queue’. Ok. let us face it. square on. This is how the power equation works. ‘Money’ controls man. And how.
‘Money’ decides the morality, the relationships between individuals, between family members, between countries. So all this cultural exchange and openness and tolerance are all beautiful words which are nice to read and sell.
Nowhere is this more visible to me than in my own family. My mother and brother call the shots. Decide who speaks with whom. Decide what is to be gifted to whom and when. Decide who should be ostracized. Decide almost everything. And needless to say they have the biggest amount of money. My brother is running a company with a turnover of over 6 crores and my mother, well she has deposits and of course a son who has the money.
Wish me luck anyway. With great difficuty the travel arrangements have been made, the documents have been collected and I have enough to survive a day in Jaipur(provided I don’t eat too much and that too in an expensive restaurant!). Isn’t there any bonus for being an enterpreneur? Like some discounts you know. Makes a lot of sense to me.
The rest has been quite. No drama today. Quite a change.
I hope enough inspiration comes to me to be able to close the deal.
If tommorrow comes.