And so I wonder.

The trying, the re-trying and the re-re-trying. That is all there is. To life and living. To move towards perfection. That is all we can do. That is all we need to do.

Have borrowed money from the market to keep us going. Also because the bank has not yet done the needful in terms of renewing and enhancing our limit. They just operate in another reference frame, non-newtonian I guess. Time does not matter. Or worse, it just stands still. Also they cannot understand the realm of ‘intellectual property’. They are still in the ancient age of ‘land, machine and raw material’. Cannot see anything else. And of course the last straw on the camels’ back is that they cannot even see a man standing beside me. Lo behold, the sentence has been pronounced. The judgement has been passed. What can be done. If my own family cannot believe in me, how can the ‘bankers’? After all, they are still outsiders. And this, just when we were beginning to believe that, this phase was over in our lives.

Appu is upset with me. I have been passing on my stress to her. Nothing new. I do this all the time. I wish I knew some way of protecting her from myself. from the effects of GC. I am truly sorry bebzer.
There is a new awareness. ‘Prostitution’ is not just about selling ones’s body for ‘money’. It encompasses selling one’s ‘soul’ or ‘emotions’ for any payoff ( a job, tender, promotion, control or more power) and not just money. It is scary to see that many of us do this all the time. Intentionally or unintentionally.

I would love to experience the humility which comes from being, becoming ‘all that the higher power’ intended us to be.

‘becoming’ to ‘being’

Appu has registered me on some property sites and I keep getting messages about apartments being available (of course there is no money to even think about buying any of them). So, I keep deleting them. A few days back I got one mentioning a studio apartment being available with a view of the Himalayan range somewhere in Ranikhet. I mean that sounded nice. To have a small space where one could get up and get a spectacular view of the strength of the mountains every morning. I shared with Appu and her immediate reaction was ‘what God forsaken place you want to be in’? But that is the point. I wish to be in a place where God’s work is more and man’s is less. Anyway there is no money as of now and the whole discussion is pointless. Its just that no property has ever interested me so much as this one close to nature.

The work on the online shop is moving ( at a slow pace but nevertheless at least it is moving). We are still waiting for some data from the site in Chennai to be able to initiate work (dal roti ka sawal hai). One license for ArcGIS 10.0 has been installed and at least the Dell machine is operational for the technical team.

I have been shouting. Nothing new. But when has shouting evoked an attitude of excellence and commitment? Lunch continues to be served in the office. Continuity is important. To start anything is so easy. To keep it going is the tough part. To do it day after day. Everyday.

Another day. Look good. Look tough. Look successful. Look as if you have it all. Even if you are crumbling inside. Even if you are scared to face anyone and anything. Its a jungle out there. All that talk on human values sounds nice buddy but that is what it is ‘all talk’. What is real is ‘green’. The ‘green money’. If you have it, let’s talk.

Give me a break.
Anytime sweetheart. After the banks and the bills let you go!

Outstanding acheivement requires taking outstanding risk. And taking outstanding risk always lies in the realm of men. My brother left his education mid way, broke all rules and did what he believed in because my parents were solidly behind him. They took a stand for him. No matter what he chose to do. He knew he was not alone, he knew he could chart new territories. He knew he had roots and a home to come back to, no matter what. I doubt if me and my sister could say the same. We followed the rules, we did housework, we studied and within the parameters set for us, we tried to be sucessful(that also meant that we had to keep the men in our lives even if it meant sacrificing our own). And the moment I stepped out of the set parameters, I was abandoned. By all. Much like the ‘unwanted Karna’. I can understand today how men ooze so much confidence while women appear to be ‘dithering’. The ‘men’ have the ‘family name’. They also have the ‘property’. And I guess ‘economics’ works in their favor. And it this ‘confidence’ which supports them in creating a world of their ‘choice’ whereas ‘women’ start from a premise of ‘doubt’. ‘Doubt’ in their capabilities, ‘doubt’ in their roots,’doubt’ in who will take a stand for them if they failed, ‘doubt’ if anyone actually cared whether they did something outstanding or ‘life-changing’.And ‘confidence; creates ‘success’. And ‘doubt’ creates ‘doubt’. So we have less women in the boardroom. Less women in the top echeleons of achievers. And even lesser who are able to do what they wish to do and succeed.

So the pre-birth sex tests should be legalized. Parents not wanting a girl child should not be forced to have one. It would be better to not allow a girl to take birth than to subject her to a lifetime of second class treatment and dis-respect and resentment in looking after her by people who are supposed to love her and take care of her. I am sure that many prostitutes would testify to have been forced into the trade by their own family. And how much more worse that act is than actual death.

There is a lot of studying to be done. And for once it is not for marks, percentages or accolades. It is to be able to tackle real problems for real clients and that is truly challenging. Narendra, Shiva ,Dimpi ,Kamakhya,Shikha and Himanshu (who is coping apart from not being able to get up on time) are rising to the occasion. There is no fear as we take on the various projects and get ready to move into the larger office. I think we are all mentally prepared to work harder (and smarter) and meet the extra overheads. Thank you guys (and gals).

And in our world of tall skyscrapers,nuclear power,instant money,instant messaging,instant sex, nothing succeeds like success.

I think it would be best to become  a hermit (and practice meditation and renunciation) or become this mafia don (doness , I hope this is the female version of don who gives two hoots to society and its rules bang with dark glasses and SUV’s and weapons in toto). No point living like a ‘Trishanku’ (hanging in mid-air,neither on the earth and nor in the sky). Unless of course GC becomes an MNC and generates enough ‘moolah’.

Ok. back to the basics. The ‘atta’ is over in the office. And the 3D module in GIS is still a mystery ( a lot of stuff in life remains a mystery). And I need to pick up Appu from her dance class. The small stuff. Its manageable. Its the emotional unknown world which is hugely unmanageable.

‘Unmanageability’

Have I mentioned this before? You bet.

Shiva says the magic is about ‘money’. When ‘money’ comes then ‘everything’ and ‘everyone’ changes. That also implies that when money goes all this so called ‘drama of respect’ will go. That is even more scary.

I wonder if there was an AMC (Annual Maintenance Contract) for ‘relationships’, would it have helped. I mean there is an AMC for all possible kinds of hardware and machines. But ‘relationships’ are more fragile and devastating. What about them? If such an AMC were available, relationships between family members, team members, between countries,economies could be repaired. That could save a lot of money and time and lives. No wars, no fight over property,no disputes to be settled in court,no emotional discord. Maybe this is just wishful thinking. Maybe ‘women’ could do a better job of executing such an ‘AMC’ if it existed.

My father visited and met Appu. Of course, he mentioned that my brother ran a company with a turnover of 6 crores whereas ‘her mother’ (i.e me) had been in the struggle zone for years. Why can’t they just leave us alone. We are OK with the way of life we have chosen. I do not know what is their problem. I am not competing with my brother. I am just trying to do my best. Why is it so difficult for my parents to understand?
The anniversary celebrations are coming nearer and I have no idea whether to go or not. My family always triggers me (negatively) and I am not too keen to be a part of their insanity anymore.

Sometimes the sane are more insane than the insane.

Does it make any sense?

Insanity.

Lets talk about it.

I am getting ready mentally for a potential business partner. Maybe that would mean increased growth, distribution of responsibilities, funding.. Maybe I am in the burnout phase. Just too tired most of the time.

The salaries for February and most of the pending bills need to be cleared. Except that I have no idea how.
The bank has refused to increase our limit at all unless we show some collateral, property against which they might consider our request. And ‘property’? You must be joking guys. Where is the property?

So I checked out the process of developing a business plan. And it is a herculean task. And how can you go on and on writing (actually praising) about your concept, services,idea, whatever..
par karna to padega.

VC’s,angel investors, angels.. please visit GC.

I have not contributed an iota in my daughters’ final exams. If at all, I have been whining and have been depressed around her.

I am going insane.

Don’t check me out.