Have not slept for a couple of nights in a straight row. Mind is foggy, body is sluggish and the soul is starved. Yes, lots of work. And lots of unmanageability (please tell us something new!). Ok, so all I need as of now is some sleep. Let the bills go to hell, let the turnover go to the dogs, just find me a place to sleep where the mobile will not ring and Amma (our old maid (no master of the house)) will not bother me for rations, what is to be cooked for lunch, dinner etc., etc., Appu has been also up entire nights waiting for me to come home. Consequently both of us are in a sleep deprived mode right now.

 Four presentations for enhanced height clearances, to be made in a day before the Appellate Committee at  AAI in the coming week. God. And here we are. Hardly in a presentable state. So tired and fagged out.  The GRC (Grievance Redressal Cell) of AAI has been dissolved (Thank God) and members of the Ministry have taken over. There is more efficiency, more transparency in the process and that is like a fresh breath of air to us. The members will hopefully not be threatened by new technologies and solutions. Fingers crossed.

Had to meet the GM (NOC), AAI  three days back and his behaviour was outright rude and humiliating. He asked me ,’ Aapko entry kisne di is office mein? Kya likhaya apne reception par? Kiska naam likhwaya?” I told him that I had a prior appoinment with another offcial and that I had gained a very dignified and legal entry into the office but he was beyond listening. He said he would ask the reception to not allow me inside. Then he threw a barrage of questions: What did I think of myself? Who do we think we were to prepare these technical reports without the relevant number of years of experience? What course had I done in aviation to even consider doing a technical analysis? And he did not allow me to speak. To tell him that I had been reading, understanding and had taken a course, however difficult it was to do it with an office to run and the phone constantly ringing. But I could sense that he and maybe many of his colleagues in the NOC cell had already formed an opinion about us. The first one being that we were not entitled to enter their forbidden area (technically and physically) where only they had entry (courtesy their number of years in the organization forgetting that they had not done anything spectacular in their tenure).

We are known and yet unknown. Actually, we are the trouble makers. We ask, we question and we try to go beyond common knowledge. And this irks many people. We are very good irritants for an otherwise smooth running system. If we could get paid for irritating systems and the people involved in it, we could have been millionaires. But unfortunately, it is an unpaid job. And on top of it we earn the anger of very many for causing inequilibrium.Abhi kya karen? This is who we are. cannot change that without dying.

Amma whines  a lot these days. Pain in the head, in the legs, in the stomach. It is as if the pain keeps travelling in her body from one point to the other. Mostly it comes across as an attention seeking exercise and neither me nor Appu are convinced that she is truly unwell. Anyway she has become a permanent fixture of our lives and there is nothing else to be said on the matter.

There is loneliness and there is fear. And there is tiredness. Ok. We have heard that before. What’s new?

This desire to not be a part of any system.

To just be.