For once, there are no words. Words are so limited in their ability to express, to communicate. So much has happened and so much has not happened in the last few days. And so much has been lost. Faith in the system, in the cops, in people, in the current generation. And what a great loss that is. Lesson learnt: Never call 100. They will create a bigger mess and turn the situation around according to their perception and personal prejudice. And in place of being protectors, they beome judges who can deliver instant judgements without proper hearings.
Appu also came very close to losing her sanity. This is the cost we have had to bear to keep the company afloat, to keep walking the walk. Desperately looking for some normalcy. Of being normal, of experiencing a normal life.
Calculations over for the Trivandrum sites. We are ready with the presentations. But the meeting of the Appellate Committee has been postponed. There has been a change ( how many times?) in the Joint Secretary of the Ministry and the new guy on the block will take time to settle down and understand the intricacies involved.
Time hi toh nahin hai. Where is the time? We are nearing the end of the month. And the end of the month implies bills. Please talk of something better. Aur kya baat ho sakti hai? I mean who else will pay the bills. It is not a Mills and Boon story you know. We are talking of real life and living here. The mobile, the car, the roof, the eletricity, everything has a cost. And non-payment means dis-connection of services and being on the roads. Grow up. How long can we keep talking of the mall, weather, movies, politics, philosophy. End of the day. The bills will catch up with us. That and the past. The past also has to be dwealt with. At some point.
I have become the masculine force in the house and office. Constantly looking for solutions. Am losing the ability to just hear withut doing anything. My mind starts racing the moment it encounters a problem. I guess that is what gender transformation is about. So I am becoming a man in a woman’s body. That would be terrible. Need to stop this process.
My father has asked me not to send messages on the mobile as my mother reads them and he has to take the flak for being in touch with me despite contrary instructions. I asked him not to be in touch with me at all. Why should I camouflage my communications with a man who is supposed to be my father? Why? There are never any answers to why? Only to what and when.
Amma is ready to go to her village for a month as her daughter-in-law is expecting. And at some level, I am resentful. I cannot think of taking off for a day and here she is. She leaves whenever and comes back to pick up her life from where she left whenever. Why can’t I have that luxury. Again why? No answers sweetheart. There are no answers to why.
Stop rambling. Get on to your checklist for the jobs to be done today.
Check your checklist. To stay alive.