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Tag: respect

‘Questions’

The outside seems OK. We are performing everyday. The office is being cleaned. The projects are being executed with as much precision as possible. And yet the insides are all messed up. The abandonement issues are cropping up churning my insides and crippling me emotionally. Is there any assigned place and time for grieving one’s emotional losses? Dard ko mehsoos karne ke liye koi jagah ya waqt ho sakta hai? Jeevan ki raftaar itni tez ho gayee hai ki apne aap se milne ka bhi waqt nahin hai. My parents left me emotionally, physically and spiritually to fend for myself. I was not the daughter they wanted me to be. Appu’s father, my ex-husband left me as I was not the wife he wanted me to be. Because I could not tolerate the drinking and the constant financial crises that were a part of the effect of alcoholism in our house. My ex in-laws never bothered to find out whether I was alive or dead. And now Appu feels that I have not been the mother she would have liked me to be, as I have been so focussed on GC, work and being self supporting financially. So I guess I have lost personally on all fronts. That makes me a loser I guess.

That’s my truth. Ugly or beautiful. Take it or leave it. And that is why everything is so mixed up for me. Love, dis-respect, abuse, abandonment. All seem to be part of a package deal. Cannot seem to distinguish one from the other.

‘Elections’: The biggest business of our times. It is a shame, what our so called ‘leaders’ have stooped to? There are no leaders today. Leaders were people like ‘Bhagat Singh’ who were ready to lay down their lives for their beliefs, their values, for the re-structuring of the country. Abhi kahaan hain woh breed? It is no more. Culture, respect, ethics, all are slaughtered publicly to win the game. For what is it but a game? With loud music, drama, noise, jokers,villains. Real change happens silently. True leadership does not need trumpets to announce its leadership.

The malls, the cars, the money is increasing along with the poverty of the mind and soul. Soon the bankruptcy will be so great that in place of ID cards, we will be carrying our bank statements to prove our existence.

Where the hell are we going guys?

Is there no way to stop this juggernaut which is moving towrads self-destruction?

Or we have yet to hit our rock bottom?

Questions. And more questions.

At least let us keep questioning.

 

 

 

 

 

A very good start

We are in the midst of some challenging projects. Thoda dar hai. I mean they are not conventional projects ( but when have we followed the conventional path in any area of our life?).  A lot of reading, discussions and brainstorming is required. We love it and that is what keeps us going. The fact that there are constantly new challenges and hidden threats at every nook and corner of the path.

There is money to pay the bills for this month. I mean that is great. Because the 7th of every month was a terror for so long. And all the bills (love letters) hold no fear for us anymore. That our lives are abundant today is a miracle beyond our wildest dreams. That we also have ‘respect’ is an added bonus. We actually worked only for earning ‘respect’ and somehow the ‘money’ came along with it. It has reinforced our belief that running after money is of no use at all. It comes to us when we are ready to receive it.

The office is running. The pantry is churning out three meals a day ( not to forget the midnight snacks) and is getting better at providing healthy meals for all ( from the peon to the manager, no discrimnation at all). There is water. There is work. Thank you God. Thank you very much. For everything. The admin is in place. The accounts is in place. The technical team is also strong. Amazing. Aewsome. We are truly blessed.

Appu has chosen to dance. Full time. Daytime. Nighttime. All the time. So be it. This is what comes naturally to her.This is who she is. A dancer. Just took me a lot of time to accept it in the ‘gut’. The ‘nut’ (brain’) accepted it but  takes time to travel from the nut to the gut. Wish you all the best Appu. Go follow your dream. Wherever it takes you.

I have been invited by ‘family’. Yes by my brother. It is strange as they have dis-owned me from the past so many years. My father has shared that my mother has willed the entire property in the name of my brother and that he wants to record my statement ‘ that I need no part of it and that I will never go to court to ask for my share’. Aisa bhi hota hai. How many laws can you make? If the men of the family do not wish to give the rightful due to their daughters/sisters, then all the laws are redundant and uselss.

We are working most nights. And attending calls/meetings most days. So we are all very tired. I guess that is the price we have to pay for earning an honest living, for wanting respect more than money. I hit a truck head-on in the early hours of the morning while returning from one such night out. The car got crushed and I have no idea how I got saved miraculously. Guess God has got some work planned for me on this planet Earth which is as yet unfinished. Thanks HP.

A lot is going on in the world outside. Politics, scams,dis-honesty,rapes. And it hurts. Yet, we have come to accept that we are powerless over everything except our selves and our actions. If we can live a good, clean, honest life, if we can each be a leader in our own area, if we can clean up our side of the street, if we can be self supporting and stop being parasites on the world, it will be a good start.

A very good start.

 

Any buyers?

The rapes, the drainage, the bribes, the abuse on the roads, in the families, the rot of the politicians, the glamourous malls and the shit behind them, the sale of mind body and soul.

There is truly no point in bringing more children into this country. Specially girls. They are not safe in their own families, on the roads, in their professions. Barring a few who are able to prove their mettle beyond reasonable doubt, the majority are always at risk. Any  father of a girl can have no peace of mind, ever. Izzat ke liye izzat becho. For gaining false respect in society, we have to give up on our self respect.

Aur is sab ke beech mein zinda rehna. Just to stay alive is a task. And what would success mean in a rotting society? Does it matter? When there there is so much of poverty of ‘thought’ all around, what would it mean to have a lot of money or fame or name?

Where are the young men and women of character? with a purpose? with a mission? Who can live and die for what they believe in? The youth of today change jobs for money, for glamour. Wish to make a quick buck without the hard work, change girlfriends faster than the websites they search, have no respect for education or research or seniors. How can they hold the future of this country in their hands? And what future are we offering to them anyway? A future where everything has a price? Relationships, career, sex? Everything can be bought if only you have enough money?

The lanes of the colonies we live in are jam packed with long limousines. There is no space to walk, leave alone cycle or play. And the more number of houses/cars one has, the greater the respect. Chalo bhaiya, sab cocaine bech lete hain. Let us buy houses, land, cars by hook or by crook. Ajeeb pagalpanti hai. Complete madness.

Daaru for votes, for elections is being distributed. Money, blankets, empty promises. That is all it takes to buy our vote. We are so cheap.

We are dying. All of us. And yet we wish to prove that we are a huge success. Every moment. Acting kar kar ke thak nahin gaye yaar?

We need some leaders and fast. leaders ready to die to make a change. Leaders with no political ambitions. No greed of the chair.

Everything is for sale.

Any buyers?

 

To live.

The Gods laugh I believe. When we struggle so much to just acquire money, status, cars, accessories, land.

When we fight to survive. Marna to hai hi bhaiyaa. Marne se kya darna hai. This is the only irrefutable absolute truth. Baki sab adhure sach hain. Incomplete truths.

We are being respected for the work we are doing. Amazing achievement. Unbelievable. A miracle beyond our wildest imagination. Travelled to Mumbai to meet a few potential clients and they were looking forward to the meeting to discuss their height related issues in various real estate projects. I could see respect in their eyes. That is all we have earned I guess.

Respect.

Have been looking for it you know. For a long time now. In the family. In the world outside. And within myself.

But a victory in the professional world does not necessarily mean a victory in the personal realm. My family cannot respect me. That will always be an unachievable target. An impossible mission so to say.

Need to vacate the office by August. We will have to move. Huge task. Any change is stressful. Even if it is for the good. Even if it is healthy. Ok. 24 hour slots. Will think about it later. For today, the phone is not ringing. There is water in the house. And we should be able to pay the rents of the office and the house.

Let us practice some gratitude. Roti, kapda, chhat. Aaj ke liye hai. There is work. And Appu is reasonably happy. That is enough reason to celebrate.

To live.

Just open your eyes

The admin takes up 80% of the time. Arranging for water, electricity and gas. The basic utilities. In the office and the house. Only 20% of the time is left to do the actual work. Talk about growth. When the basics are not in place, how can any development happen?There is no water supply in the office. So the private tankers have to be called.  Ditto for the house. So much for the developing country. So much for the hype and hoopla raised by the political parties just before the elections.

The rejection from one’s own family is hard to digest. I guess that is the curse I have to live with all my life. That has been the greatest challenge, the most debilitating handicap. To top it,  Appu and myself have also been fighting. I do not know the reasons. We are just not ok with each other. So it is very tough to focus on work at the moment. Have not been reading. have not been learning anything new. The entire energy is channelized into somehow running the office and the house and complete the bare minimum activities to keep the show running. Need God to step in here. Loads of unmanageability.

Everyone is running after money and sex. But we do not talk about it openly in our country. Why can’t we accept that we want the money. Huge amounts of it. We talk about the crimes we can see. But we do not talk about the unseen emotional crimes committed in silence in millions of families in the name of love and respect. A betrayal most heinous. Every time a child is abandoned or abused, every time an infant girl is killed or molested, every time a child is humiliated, every time there is violence in any home, a crime is committed. Hence the rapes, the scams are just the tip of the iceberg. The larger picture is below the surface. Education happens in the families, not in the schools. When will we understand that? When will the mothers stop treating their sons like demi-Gods with freedom and license to rape? Every rape, every scam is a wake up call for us. But we are so used to living in a dream world and so scared of the pain of facing the reality that we refuse to wake up. The deep rooted problems will not go away just because some of us make a lot of hue and cry and create noisy drama.

Dekh lo yaar. Open your eyes. For once see what is real and what is not. It might be painful but at least the wound will be opened for healing and the pain just might go away. Like this it will keep festering for generations and we will be building a society where money, might and sex will rule.

Just open your eyes.

To be born a woman

It is always there. Lurking below the surface. The fear of getting raped. Of getting physically mauled. And once in a while it happens. The iceberg below the surface causes the Titanic to sink. But it was not the 10% of the iceberg above the surface that caused the damage. It was the 90% iceberg that was submerged below water, the part that we could not see, that caused the ship to sink.

And so it is that we are reacting with protests, with outrage, with demands for a safer city, with a charter of respect for women ( you must be joking). Kaise badlega? How can we change the minds, the attitude of generations? Can we ask every mother on planet Earth to teach their sons to value and respect the girls and women in their life? That is where the dis-respect begins. In the womb of every mother. When the daughters are killed by their own parents. And if a daughter is born, she is supposed to be subservient to her brothers, fathers, husbands. This is where it begins. Can we change that? Have we been able to change that? It is another thing that emotionally and mentally, girls and women are constantly getting raped. Dikhta nahin hai. We notice only when the physical damage is done. But we should see where we slip and not where we fall.

What can the police do? Their own wives, daughters and sisters are being dis-respected, discriminated against in their own families. Apne ghar ki auraton ko izzat nahin de sakte, samaj mein kya karenge? Aur kyun karenge bhai? They just wish to protect their jobs. Whoever said that they wanted to become better men or men to begin with, at all? Police ki naukri kar li kyonki aur koi chara nahin tha. pakki salary, sarkar ki vardi, bas. Mission pura ho gaya.  Aur izzat ki keemat hi kya reh gayee hai hamare desh mein? jab sab kuch paisa hai to, rape kya cheez hai? Yeh izzat ka nara to bekar hai na.

Where are the men?

From uneducated drivers, peons, gardeners to educated engineers, CEO’s, GM’s, all have male egos but they are not men. Any challenge to their seniority ( due to the fact that they belong to the male species), and they become animals. Uncontrollable. Unpredictable. Savage. But our social set-up puts a halo around their heads and calls them ‘men’.

Yeh phir hoga. Aur phir hoga. The cycle will repeat till we think differently. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. The police cannot do it. The Parliament cannot do it. The politicians cannot do it. The change has to begin from each one of us. From every mother who has a son. And every son who marries and has daughters. And every citizen who has the backbone to stand up and condemn the dis-respect of women in any which way, emotionally, spiritually and physically. That is asking for a very deep surgery. If we cannot do it then there is no point in creating a ruckus and a hue and cry. Drama never changes anything. It just passes away.

The greatest disability in this world is to be born a woman.

Amongst men who are not truly men.

From mothers who do not want us.

In a society where money is everything.

Chillao. Aur Chillao. Do we even  know why we need to shout.

Because no one has ever really listened. And believe me no one is listening now. All concerned are just trying to save their skins. Waiting for the furor to die down. To get on with their lives and quest for power.

That is why I say female foeticide should be legal. Why should we bring girls in this world when they are not wanted, not respected, treated like sex objects, raped, humiliated, crushed. We can save them this pain. Kill them in the womb. The easiest, cheapest and fastest solution. Have only the men, no the boys. Because the boys who look like men refuse to grow up.  Yes, this is a feasible solution.

Just have the boys. Eliminate anything ‘female’.

Let the males rule the males and live with them too.

The greatest disability.

To be born a woman.

‘Keval Prashn’

Hooliganism. Goonism. An effort by incompetent people to prove their worth. To fight unlawfully for what is not theirs lawfully. And to descend into the bottomless pit of violence, abduction and abuse at the slightest hint of being exposed,at the mere thought of their unworthiness, emptiness and fakeness being known. This is the so called educated lot we are talking about. The uneducated wield their ignorance and poverty as a weapon to get what they want, when they want it.

Kya desh hai hamara? We cannot respect work. We can respect caste, poverty, worthlessness. But we cannot expect or respect excellence in ourselves or others. We believe in labor act, in donations, in subsidy, in reservations. But we cannot inspire people to become worthy enough to stand on their own two feet. To earn what they deserve and not demand for what has not been earned. Poverty cannot, should not be treated as a halo of divine light. And neither is it a curse. Its ok to be poor. we should support people in changing that state but not by making concessions or giving them what is not due. But by making them worthy to be able to earn. To be able to value self-respect. Tall order for our country. The politicians are but a reflection of our masses.

Needless to say it was a bad day at the office yesterday. Threats, abuses, a grand show of impotence by incompetent guards, terminated employees who could not sustain two days of working in our office and the office peon who got so scared that he just locked the office and ran away. These are the men of our country. These are the men who can produce kids but cannot stand up and fight for what is right. They can marry, have sex, flirt but do not have the backbone to stand up and protect themselves and others. Izzat jaye to jaye, jaan to bacha lo. Needless to say that I had to rush to the office, re-open it, file police complaints and go through the same drill. Time and again.

It is tiring to deal with spineless people. Incompetent people. Scared people.

And what would ‘success’  in such an ‘impotent’ society mean?

Questions. Only questions.

‘Keval Prashn’


‘I have a dream’

“I have a dream, a fantasy, to help me cope with anything,

If you see the wonder of a fairytale, you can face the future, even if you fail,

I believe in angels, something good in everything I see,

When I know the time is right for me, I will cross the stream.”               Lyrics  By ABBA

We used to listen a lot to the songs by ABBA during the days of our graduation. The lyrics of this one still come back to me.

A lot of people have tried to help me along the way. In retrospect, I believe that they were only trying to help themselves. More than helping me, they were helping themselves. All the time trying to oblige me. Very strange. To continue living with ‘respect’ . To keep the company ‘running’. to keep the money ‘flowing’. Quite a task.

There is no air in the environment. But there is so much air in the heads of people. It is difficult to guaze and even more difficult to deal with. What would it take to live a simple life. With no titles. No frills. A lot more than what it takes to live a life of drama, frills and accessories. A fake life so to say.

We are in the process of finalizing the reports for two sites in Mumbai. We will be depicting the shielding benefit using the height data generated by photogrammetry. Hopefully, we will do a good job. Hopefully, we will be able to deliver value for money. The file of unpaid bills is growing bigger by the hour. The month has ended and it is that time of next month again. A time to pay the rents, bank instalments and bills. Over to the Higher Power. On my knees again.  I have failed to lead the team. I thought I could change people. I thought I could change the way we work. I cannot change a damn thing. A damn thought in anyone’s head. I cannot change the way we work, talk, think, behave. And all this while I lived under the illusion that maybe I could change something, someone. I am powerless. And the realization and acceptance of this fact is of great relief to me.

The hype and the hoopla of living continue to surprise me. We are still in a jungle I guess. It is the survival of the fittest.

And yet, I have a dream, a fantasy.

‘I have a dream’.


Not happening at all

We have a team. Seriously. As of now. We have work. But no money. I wish I could say that this was true vice versa. Of course tommorrow is always another day. Another life. And we have practically lived off miracles. So let us say that we are waiting for a miracle. Again.

The survey of the control points using DGPS is complete. The stereo satellite images are being worked upon for the extraction of building heights. Fingers crossed. We are doing this for the first time. I mean using this combination of GIS and photogrammetry to depict the shielding benefit as laid out in the guidelines for aviation safety. We are sincerely hoping that our calculations will be ranked and accepted based on their technical merit and not on history and prejudices. Chandrakant is having a tough time.

All the maps in the online shop are being re-worked upon. Chandan is scrutinizing each map and is not satisfied with the quality of most of them. So we are back to zero. In terms of products. I guess the  ’India maps’ are OK. The rest are under the scanner. Here is wishing best of luck to him and his team (yes, we have a team!).

I had a lovely ‘Mothers’ Day’ (which was thankfully on a sunday) recently. Appu did not allow me to work in the kitchen the entire day and night (specially the cleaning and scrubbing part). She bought a lovely mug for me ( owing to the muliple cups of tea I have morning and night, I mean I am not allowed to have cigarettes, right?). She also booked a pedicure for me  and forced me to go( me and  pedicure, strange combination) followed by a movie. And when I returned home from the movie hall, I find this lovely cake that she had baked for me herself. I was completely overwhelmed. And she had done quite a professional job of it too. With all the right ingredients and the temperatures and the icing. Thank you bebzer. I have not had such a lovely time in ages (decades) now. I do not know if I have been as good a mother to you but I certainly felt like one that day. Thank you for making me feel so special bebu. Love you. It is lovely to have daughters( except that one is constantly worried about the fights that lie ahead of them for pursuing their dreams). 

Appu also reminded me of a very powerful concept. ‘Everything is not about money’. When I told her that we had no money to run the next month, she was quite OK about it. She said that people could respect us for our work and that was a huge thing. Yes. ‘Respect” is a good thing. ‘Dignity’.  Cannot buy it overnight. Or with turnovers.

And where is there ‘ dignity’ without ‘honesty’?

Dignity without honesty.

Not happening son.

Not happening at all.


Far off

All the women’s’ organizations. What are you  fighting for guys? Equal property rights will not, cannot sustain a woman’s life. That means that we have not really understood the needs of a woman. That validates the myth that a woman cannot support herself financially. Any woman can do that. Its not about the money. Or the property. Or the gold. It is about self-respect. It is about the freedom to exist as a human being with respect in a society which looks down upon single, divorced or separated women. Theek se dekho. Gehrai se dekho. Can you guys fight for that ‘respect’? And not degrade women by just fighting for money, property and all that jazz. Being a woman has always been about the topline. About respect, feelings, tenderness and inner strength. It has never been about fighting for the bottomline, the roti kapda and makan. Makan, dukan chhod do yaar. Just talk about ‘respect’.  And for the society to allow women living alone, to live in peace. They do not need crumbs of bread to sustain themselves. What they need cannot be fought for. And what they do not need, will not change the current scenario. Why do we always fight for the wrong stuff at the wrong time in a wrong way? Bolna tha mujhe. That is all.

In office. Tommorrow (rather today) whatever happens, this moment is mine. And I can live it. In peace. Knowing I did my best. Despite the pool of egos ( mostly male) floating around, despite the chaos, despite the abandonment.

The DGPS survey for the GCP’s in Mumbai has been completed. Sigh of relief. Now the actual work can begin. Lot of work actually. And all on the shoulders of Chandrakant. Best of luck Chandrakant. This is your acid test. For yourself and for GC. I am sure you will not buckle under pressure. Chandan is creating Delhi city maps with various themes using permutations and combinations of all the digital layers created . He is enjoying his work and that is very important. To be able to do work that we  enjoy. Rahul is making small positive changes in the online shop everyday ( of course my mind keeps asking, when will the money come? ). But He is doing a fabulous job. Keep rocking  Rahul( I have learnt how to use the word ’rock’ from Bebu) .

My Input/Output ratio has truly gone down. That means I am not really working. fake it to make it. I am faking work. Kaam kar lo. The 30th is very close and the TOD from the bank is going to expire. Wake up and smell the coffee man. And the bankers are going to visit the office tomorrow. And then they will ask for the stock. But where the hell is the stock, they will ask? On the server. That does not make sense at all. Where is the physical stock? And this IP stuff, how can this be evaluated? In the head.

I guess I should just pack up now.

A client is vacationing in Europe so cannot speak with  him about the payment. A vacation. sounds very good.

And very far off.

Far off.


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