Tag: respect

To live.

The Gods laugh I believe. When we struggle so much to just acquire money, status, cars, accessories, land.

When we fight to survive. Marna to hai hi bhaiyaa. Marne se kya darna hai. This is the only irrefutable absolute truth. Baki sab adhure sach hain. Incomplete truths.

We are being respected for the work we are doing. Amazing achievement. Unbelievable. A miracle beyond our wildest imagination. Travelled to Mumbai to meet a few potential clients and they were looking forward to the meeting to discuss their height related issues in various real estate projects. I could see respect in their eyes. That is all we have earned I guess.

Respect.

Have been looking for it you know. For a long time now. In the family. In the world outside. And within myself.

But a victory in the professional world does not necessarily mean a victory in the personal realm. My family cannot respect me. That will always be an unachievable target. An impossible mission so to say.

Need to vacate the office by August. We will have to move. Huge task. Any change is stressful. Even if it is for the good. Even if it is healthy. Ok. 24 hour slots. Will think about it later. For today, the phone is not ringing. There is water in the house. And we should be able to pay the rents of the office and the house.

Let us practice some gratitude. Roti, kapda, chhat. Aaj ke liye hai. There is work. And Appu is reasonably happy. That is enough reason to celebrate.

To live.

Just open your eyes

The admin takes up 80% of the time. Arranging for water, electricity and gas. The basic utilities. In the office and the house. Only 20% of the time is left to do the actual work. Talk about growth. When the basics are not in place, how can any development happen?There is no water supply in the office. So the private tankers have to be called.  Ditto for the house. So much for the developing country. So much for the hype and hoopla raised by the political parties just before the elections.

The rejection from one’s own family is hard to digest. I guess that is the curse I have to live with all my life. That has been the greatest challenge, the most debilitating handicap. To top it,  Appu and myself have also been fighting. I do not know the reasons. We are just not ok with each other. So it is very tough to focus on work at the moment. Have not been reading. have not been learning anything new. The entire energy is channelized into somehow running the office and the house and complete the bare minimum activities to keep the show running. Need God to step in here. Loads of unmanageability.

Everyone is running after money and sex. But we do not talk about it openly in our country. Why can’t we accept that we want the money. Huge amounts of it. We talk about the crimes we can see. But we do not talk about the unseen emotional crimes committed in silence in millions of families in the name of love and respect. A betrayal most heinous. Every time a child is abandoned or abused, every time an infant girl is killed or molested, every time a child is humiliated, every time there is violence in any home, a crime is committed. Hence the rapes, the scams are just the tip of the iceberg. The larger picture is below the surface. Education happens in the families, not in the schools. When will we understand that? When will the mothers stop treating their sons like demi-Gods with freedom and license to rape? Every rape, every scam is a wake up call for us. But we are so used to living in a dream world and so scared of the pain of facing the reality that we refuse to wake up. The deep rooted problems will not go away just because some of us make a lot of hue and cry and create noisy drama.

Dekh lo yaar. Open your eyes. For once see what is real and what is not. It might be painful but at least the wound will be opened for healing and the pain just might go away. Like this it will keep festering for generations and we will be building a society where money, might and sex will rule.

Just open your eyes.

To be born a woman

It is always there. Lurking below the surface. The fear of getting raped. Of getting physically mauled. And once in a while it happens. The iceberg below the surface causes the Titanic to sink. But it was not the 10% of the iceberg above the surface that caused the damage. It was the 90% iceberg that was submerged below water, the part that we could not see, that caused the ship to sink.

And so it is that we are reacting with protests, with outrage, with demands for a safer city, with a charter of respect for women ( you must be joking). Kaise badlega? How can we change the minds, the attitude of generations? Can we ask every mother on planet Earth to teach their sons to value and respect the girls and women in their life? That is where the dis-respect begins. In the womb of every mother. When the daughters are killed by their own parents. And if a daughter is born, she is supposed to be subservient to her brothers, fathers, husbands. This is where it begins. Can we change that? Have we been able to change that? It is another thing that emotionally and mentally, girls and women are constantly getting raped. Dikhta nahin hai. We notice only when the physical damage is done. But we should see where we slip and not where we fall.

What can the police do? Their own wives, daughters and sisters are being dis-respected, discriminated against in their own families. Apne ghar ki auraton ko izzat nahin de sakte, samaj mein kya karenge? Aur kyun karenge bhai? They just wish to protect their jobs. Whoever said that they wanted to become better men or men to begin with, at all? Police ki naukri kar li kyonki aur koi chara nahin tha. pakki salary, sarkar ki vardi, bas. Mission pura ho gaya.  Aur izzat ki keemat hi kya reh gayee hai hamare desh mein? jab sab kuch paisa hai to, rape kya cheez hai? Yeh izzat ka nara to bekar hai na.

Where are the men?

From uneducated drivers, peons, gardeners to educated engineers, CEO’s, GM’s, all have male egos but they are not men. Any challenge to their seniority ( due to the fact that they belong to the male species), and they become animals. Uncontrollable. Unpredictable. Savage. But our social set-up puts a halo around their heads and calls them ‘men’.

Yeh phir hoga. Aur phir hoga. The cycle will repeat till we think differently. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. The police cannot do it. The Parliament cannot do it. The politicians cannot do it. The change has to begin from each one of us. From every mother who has a son. And every son who marries and has daughters. And every citizen who has the backbone to stand up and condemn the dis-respect of women in any which way, emotionally, spiritually and physically. That is asking for a very deep surgery. If we cannot do it then there is no point in creating a ruckus and a hue and cry. Drama never changes anything. It just passes away.

The greatest disability in this world is to be born a woman.

Amongst men who are not truly men.

From mothers who do not want us.

In a society where money is everything.

Chillao. Aur Chillao. Do we even  know why we need to shout.

Because no one has ever really listened. And believe me no one is listening now. All concerned are just trying to save their skins. Waiting for the furor to die down. To get on with their lives and quest for power.

That is why I say female foeticide should be legal. Why should we bring girls in this world when they are not wanted, not respected, treated like sex objects, raped, humiliated, crushed. We can save them this pain. Kill them in the womb. The easiest, cheapest and fastest solution. Have only the men, no the boys. Because the boys who look like men refuse to grow up.  Yes, this is a feasible solution.

Just have the boys. Eliminate anything ‘female’.

Let the males rule the males and live with them too.

The greatest disability.

To be born a woman.

‘Keval Prashn’

Hooliganism. Goonism. An effort by incompetent people to prove their worth. To fight unlawfully for what is not theirs lawfully. And to descend into the bottomless pit of violence, abduction and abuse at the slightest hint of being exposed,at the mere thought of their unworthiness, emptiness and fakeness being known. This is the so called educated lot we are talking about. The uneducated wield their ignorance and poverty as a weapon to get what they want, when they want it.

Kya desh hai hamara? We cannot respect work. We can respect caste, poverty, worthlessness. But we cannot expect or respect excellence in ourselves or others. We believe in labor act, in donations, in subsidy, in reservations. But we cannot inspire people to become worthy enough to stand on their own two feet. To earn what they deserve and not demand for what has not been earned. Poverty cannot, should not be treated as a halo of divine light. And neither is it a curse. Its ok to be poor. we should support people in changing that state but not by making concessions or giving them what is not due. But by making them worthy to be able to earn. To be able to value self-respect. Tall order for our country. The politicians are but a reflection of our masses.

Needless to say it was a bad day at the office yesterday. Threats, abuses, a grand show of impotence by incompetent guards, terminated employees who could not sustain two days of working in our office and the office peon who got so scared that he just locked the office and ran away. These are the men of our country. These are the men who can produce kids but cannot stand up and fight for what is right. They can marry, have sex, flirt but do not have the backbone to stand up and protect themselves and others. Izzat jaye to jaye, jaan to bacha lo. Needless to say that I had to rush to the office, re-open it, file police complaints and go through the same drill. Time and again.

It is tiring to deal with spineless people. Incompetent people. Scared people.

And what would ‘success’  in such an ‘impotent’ society mean?

Questions. Only questions.

‘Keval Prashn’


‘I have a dream’

“I have a dream, a fantasy, to help me cope with anything,

If you see the wonder of a fairytale, you can face the future, even if you fail,

I believe in angels, something good in everything I see,

When I know the time is right for me, I will cross the stream.”               Lyrics  By ABBA

We used to listen a lot to the songs by ABBA during the days of our graduation. The lyrics of this one still come back to me.

A lot of people have tried to help me along the way. In retrospect, I believe that they were only trying to help themselves. More than helping me, they were helping themselves. All the time trying to oblige me. Very strange. To continue living with ‘respect’ . To keep the company ‘running’. to keep the money ‘flowing’. Quite a task.

There is no air in the environment. But there is so much air in the heads of people. It is difficult to guaze and even more difficult to deal with. What would it take to live a simple life. With no titles. No frills. A lot more than what it takes to live a life of drama, frills and accessories. A fake life so to say.

We are in the process of finalizing the reports for two sites in Mumbai. We will be depicting the shielding benefit using the height data generated by photogrammetry. Hopefully, we will do a good job. Hopefully, we will be able to deliver value for money. The file of unpaid bills is growing bigger by the hour. The month has ended and it is that time of next month again. A time to pay the rents, bank instalments and bills. Over to the Higher Power. On my knees again.  I have failed to lead the team. I thought I could change people. I thought I could change the way we work. I cannot change a damn thing. A damn thought in anyone’s head. I cannot change the way we work, talk, think, behave. And all this while I lived under the illusion that maybe I could change something, someone. I am powerless. And the realization and acceptance of this fact is of great relief to me.

The hype and the hoopla of living continue to surprise me. We are still in a jungle I guess. It is the survival of the fittest.

And yet, I have a dream, a fantasy.

‘I have a dream’.


Not happening at all

We have a team. Seriously. As of now. We have work. But no money. I wish I could say that this was true vice versa. Of course tommorrow is always another day. Another life. And we have practically lived off miracles. So let us say that we are waiting for a miracle. Again.

The survey of the control points using DGPS is complete. The stereo satellite images are being worked upon for the extraction of building heights. Fingers crossed. We are doing this for the first time. I mean using this combination of GIS and photogrammetry to depict the shielding benefit as laid out in the guidelines for aviation safety. We are sincerely hoping that our calculations will be ranked and accepted based on their technical merit and not on history and prejudices. Chandrakant is having a tough time.

All the maps in the online shop are being re-worked upon. Chandan is scrutinizing each map and is not satisfied with the quality of most of them. So we are back to zero. In terms of products. I guess the  ’India maps’ are OK. The rest are under the scanner. Here is wishing best of luck to him and his team (yes, we have a team!).

I had a lovely ‘Mothers’ Day’ (which was thankfully on a sunday) recently. Appu did not allow me to work in the kitchen the entire day and night (specially the cleaning and scrubbing part). She bought a lovely mug for me ( owing to the muliple cups of tea I have morning and night, I mean I am not allowed to have cigarettes, right?). She also booked a pedicure for me  and forced me to go( me and  pedicure, strange combination) followed by a movie. And when I returned home from the movie hall, I find this lovely cake that she had baked for me herself. I was completely overwhelmed. And she had done quite a professional job of it too. With all the right ingredients and the temperatures and the icing. Thank you bebzer. I have not had such a lovely time in ages (decades) now. I do not know if I have been as good a mother to you but I certainly felt like one that day. Thank you for making me feel so special bebu. Love you. It is lovely to have daughters( except that one is constantly worried about the fights that lie ahead of them for pursuing their dreams). 

Appu also reminded me of a very powerful concept. ‘Everything is not about money’. When I told her that we had no money to run the next month, she was quite OK about it. She said that people could respect us for our work and that was a huge thing. Yes. ‘Respect” is a good thing. ‘Dignity’.  Cannot buy it overnight. Or with turnovers.

And where is there ‘ dignity’ without ‘honesty’?

Dignity without honesty.

Not happening son.

Not happening at all.


Far off

All the women’s’ organizations. What are you  fighting for guys? Equal property rights will not, cannot sustain a woman’s life. That means that we have not really understood the needs of a woman. That validates the myth that a woman cannot support herself financially. Any woman can do that. Its not about the money. Or the property. Or the gold. It is about self-respect. It is about the freedom to exist as a human being with respect in a society which looks down upon single, divorced or separated women. Theek se dekho. Gehrai se dekho. Can you guys fight for that ‘respect’? And not degrade women by just fighting for money, property and all that jazz. Being a woman has always been about the topline. About respect, feelings, tenderness and inner strength. It has never been about fighting for the bottomline, the roti kapda and makan. Makan, dukan chhod do yaar. Just talk about ‘respect’.  And for the society to allow women living alone, to live in peace. They do not need crumbs of bread to sustain themselves. What they need cannot be fought for. And what they do not need, will not change the current scenario. Why do we always fight for the wrong stuff at the wrong time in a wrong way? Bolna tha mujhe. That is all.

In office. Tommorrow (rather today) whatever happens, this moment is mine. And I can live it. In peace. Knowing I did my best. Despite the pool of egos ( mostly male) floating around, despite the chaos, despite the abandonment.

The DGPS survey for the GCP’s in Mumbai has been completed. Sigh of relief. Now the actual work can begin. Lot of work actually. And all on the shoulders of Chandrakant. Best of luck Chandrakant. This is your acid test. For yourself and for GC. I am sure you will not buckle under pressure. Chandan is creating Delhi city maps with various themes using permutations and combinations of all the digital layers created . He is enjoying his work and that is very important. To be able to do work that we  enjoy. Rahul is making small positive changes in the online shop everyday ( of course my mind keeps asking, when will the money come? ). But He is doing a fabulous job. Keep rocking  Rahul( I have learnt how to use the word ’rock’ from Bebu) .

My Input/Output ratio has truly gone down. That means I am not really working. fake it to make it. I am faking work. Kaam kar lo. The 30th is very close and the TOD from the bank is going to expire. Wake up and smell the coffee man. And the bankers are going to visit the office tomorrow. And then they will ask for the stock. But where the hell is the stock, they will ask? On the server. That does not make sense at all. Where is the physical stock? And this IP stuff, how can this be evaluated? In the head.

I guess I should just pack up now.

A client is vacationing in Europe so cannot speak with  him about the payment. A vacation. sounds very good.

And very far off.

Far off.


‘In process’ so to say

A very memorable trip to BHU ( apart from a few cockroaches in the guesthouse). Lovely campus. Down to Earth people. Students who study sincerely and wish to make a difference in people’s lives, not just make money. Reminiscent of our days in IIT Kanpur. A student who travelled to naxalite affected areas to help them demarcate, conserve  and process rare medicinal plants and herbs using GIS to help them make a living. And carried their requirement of a well to the concerned authorities. What a breath of fresh air! Very inspiring. A professor who works weekends, Holi and Diwali without any need for recognition or accolades. A rare species of humans. A rare breed. Certaily need more of them. We have shortlisted a few of the students to be a part of our team. And we are glad we went. Very glad. There is hope. For us. For the world. For humanity.

Took a boat ride to the Ghats in the night (that is the only time we got). And the most memorable ghat was the ‘ Harishchandra Ghat’ where at least three funeral pyres were burning by the side of the river Ganga. The air was blowing, the water was flowing silently in the darkness and there was this crackling sound of the fire and the wood with the human body within it. In the background was this chorus of ‘hara rama, hare krishna’ being sung in a nearby temple by a ‘Math’. I am sure this sight will stay with us for times to come. ‘The end’ so to say. As we were returning, we encountered a lone singer singing all alone by the ghats in a soulful voice. He was singing because he loved singing. No other agenda. And it was a beautiful voice. I wish more and more of us could do something just because we love doing it.

It is that time of the month.Rents, salaries, bills (back to your old tune, Aha). We will deal with it, one day at a time ( as if you have other choices). It will work out. I mean it has always worked out till now. There is no reason why it should not work out now. Faith. Keep the faith.

Money vs respect. Inversely proportional ratio. Most of the time. The more respect ( or call it values) we are willing to give up on, the more money we can make and vice versa. Very strange. Tough choices.

We are still trying to take off from the runway (Others have already landed and here we are, still struggling).

At least we are trying We are in ‘IP’.

‘In process’ so to say.


Won or lost

It has been discovered that Vinod, who was supposed to be taking care of the hardware was actually visiting porn sites for entire days. The srever room is away from the technical section and the server is placed such that it is not visible even through the CC TV installed. Hence it was easy for him to indulge in these activities. ‘Respect for the workplace’ has become an unheard of phrase. It is disgusting to say the least. He has been thrown out but every time a team member deos something to damage the company, the faith levels go down and take a dip. It has also been discovered that the other team members frequently visit job sites. Nothing to be done. They cannot be stopped from looking for that ‘one dream job’ that would meet all their requirements, that would be painless with a lot of money and frills attached. It is beyond me. I think it has to do with not being at peace with where one is right now. Nevertheless there is pain and hurt at this kind of behaviour. The misuse of office time, resources and vision. We have not blocked any sites, we get no bond signed from any person and maybe it is difficult for them to handle ‘freedom’. Maybe ‘control’ is what we are comfortable with. ‘Discipline by force’. Pathetic.

A lot of work is pending in the house and in the office. The business plan is lying in cold storage. A lot of mails have to be sent. And of course we need work. A lot has been lost. In terms of faith in people, in family,in systems. It can be referred to as ‘growing up’. Or it can be termed as ‘disillusionment’. Call it what you may.

NATMO has still not paid up. I wonder what gives government bodies the right  to withhold payment after taking the entire work. Upteen calls and letters have not helped. It is pointless to take them to court. It would take ages and cost more than what is due. If we were to charge compensation for the delay in payment, that in itself would amount to ten times the original cost of the project. It might be prudent to explore the option. We will have to get used to the idea of taking errant people to court, even if it is unpalatable.

The atta and chawal have finished in the office. Oh God, not again. The washbasin is leaking in the toilet and there is seepage elsewhere. It seems that the plumbers,carpenters and electricians will be needed forever.

The battle has begun,or it is over. It has been won or it has been lost.

Or maybe it does not matter at all.


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