Later in the night he shared how he was afraid to visit us. Afraid that we might reject him. It is sad. A father scared of visiting his daughter. What is there to say? I did not know I was so scary. Maybe I have grown some horns or a few thorns here and there.

I do not know how long is the walk,
I do not know whether there is any miracle waiting for us at the end,
Or if the end just lies in Nigambodh Ghat,
I do not know whether we are in the right direction,
or whether there is such a thing as right or wrong, light and darkness, truth and lies.

We walk because that is all we can do,
We show up for life every day, every moment because the rest is not in our ambit,
We do the best we can each day,
knowing that our absence will not cause any major upheaval in the universe,
That we are only a very miniscule part of the larger whole,
And hoping that we can contribute in some small way,
to create meaning for at least one life.

Before the final departure.

‘The last call’.

Chandrakant Pandey has been asked to leave. He was found using the company resources, time and money for searching a better job on naukri.com. He has apologized but it is too late. Too late to restore our faith in anything and anyone. So while we are busy ensuring that the salaries get paid, the heaters work in the office and the meals are served in a clean and hygienic manner, our team is busy looking for better options. What can one say to this? Kya bol sakte hain? Best of luck Chandrakant. Let us see who turns out  to be a winner. The race is not yet over. And while you keep looking for better opportunities and jobs, you will miss what is right on front of you. All the best, nevertheless.

I think animals would be more loyal. Just that we cannot train them to do GIS. What a pity. Yes we are poor. Very poor. As a society, as a nation, as people, as a generation. We have no values, no integrity. And that is the worst form of poverty. The rest does not matter.

Altaf aaya tha. job chahiye. Mar raha hoon. Job de diya. And then what?He harmed us at the first opportunity. Chandan aaya tha. Kuch bhi nahin aata tha. Mauka diya seekhne ka. kaam karne ka. Kya kiya. Peeth piche waar kiya. Hit us behind our backs. Ritesh aaya. Jobless. Unemployed. Just a lot of gas in his ballon of ego. chance diya. Vishwas kiya. what did he do. He masterminded the hacking of our sites and e-mails to damage us and start his own company. Accha nahin kiya guys. You have just harmed the next team at GC, the next generation. In place of creating more freedom for them, you have ensured that the next team will get limited rights and limited opportunities in a limited space. You have killed the faith that we worked so hard at building and maintaining. Well done. Khush raho. Live with the history you have created. Job to mil hi jayega. Repeat your performance again. And blame GC, blame me. Thoda bojh kam ho jayega.

Focussing on building a new team. Again. And again. No idea what to look for. How to judge. Hariom is shortlisting a few candidates. He is the only team member left. Its me and him with the housekeeping staff and the guard to give us company. Good. So far so good.

Back to zero.

Zero, a good number. An auspicious number. Anything can be done with a ‘zero’. There are immense possibilities.

‘Zero’.

We are taking an inventory of the time, money and resources available to us. Together with the interviews. And the daily administrative jobs. Got a call from an existing client in Mumbai today. It always feels good. To know that the client is happy with our work.

Maybe we are ready for the next level in terms of technical proficiency and mature professionals. We are ready for a more mature and experienced team with less groupism. It is all for the best. We also have a lot of negative comments coming in. Which means that we have a lot of well wishers! Good. Nobody kicks a dead dog. The more negative the comments, the greater will be our drive to move ahead.

The salaries for this month have been paid (ok, huge sigh of relief), even though it has meant losing the entire team just after payday. At least some of the bills have been paid. The excel sheet is still intimidating and Diwali is just round the corner but we have never truly gifted expensive things to anyone. Be it the bankers, the clients or our team members. We always make a gesture, however small and that is about it. Hopefully, we will be able to manage this year also. The gifts, the diyas and the puja. For the first time in many years, Appu is going to be here on ‘Choti Diwali’ and that is huge. I mean we will light some diyas together before she leaves for Kashipur the next day.
There is a sense of betrayal. It is getting more and more difficult to have faith in people. That is and has been the biggest loss. I lost faith in my family a long time ago. And now I am losing faith in people. Looking for bread in a hardware store.

OK. I just need to focus on this hour, this day for now. The rest will fall in place. I need to feel alright before I embark on a journey to get everything else alright. To feel spiritually complete. More than any other poverty, it is spiritual poverty which is the biggest silent killer.

I think I should invite God over to lunch some day. You know, like for a chat maybe. Its just getting very unmanageable out here.

On this Earth.

We are there and yet not there,
we are here and yet not here.

A morning, an evening followed by night,
A job, a career, a way of life,
A birth, a life followed by death,
The static and the dynamic,
The rest between the restlessness.

The laurels, the accolades, the noise,
the trumpets, the shouting followed by silence.

‘Silence’

Is it possible to be free and trapped at the same time? And vice versa, is it possible to be trapped and yet free?
Kuch pata nahin. I just need to get away. Get away from what and from whom and from where?

We have a small team and yet there is politics. There is groupism. Is it so difficult to survive as an individual? Is it so difficult to be oneself without the protection of any group? It is very painful. To not use one’s own mind despite having it. Is this how and why one stops trusting?

A lot of issues have cropped up. Meaningful and Meaningless. We may have to lose the entire team. And even if they stay, the cracks will remain. The cracks can never go. Relationships are fragile. Sometimes it takes a lifetime, sometimes entire generations to repair them.

I do not think any meaningful work has been done in the office today. Just making issues out of non-issues. But I guess that is quite a task. Sometimes I miss the fantasy of the ‘Mills&Boon’ type. A knight in shining armour on a horse sweeps you away and lo behold, all the problems just vanish! Wake up time Aparna. Face life for another day. Who knows, tommorrow is always another day. Or is it? Does anything change?

Smell the coffee.

Just do the next task as scheduled.
Tie your camel to a tree and rest.

Rest. Sounds good. Too good in fact.

No water in the house. Again. A tanker has been called. Yet again. Water scarcity is becoming more real and huge everyday. Appu has gone to college and it is so strange. Just yesterday she was going to school and today it is as if she has suddenly grown up. A lot of maintenance work is required in the house. As always. But that can be attended to later. There are many more pressing and urgent matters to be attended to in the office. Like projects and payments. And team building.

There continues to be a lot of emptiness. Work can never convert the ‘hollowness’ to ‘fullness’, the ‘hole’ to a ‘whole’. Nevertheless we keep looking for that mirage of completeness and wholeness in work and outside success. It is only when the work flows from the inside to the outside that it partially fullfills the emptiness inside.
Chal raha hai. It is that time towards the end of the month. And the impending avalanche of bills that will hit us in the first week of the coming month. My father sent me belated birthday wishes applauding my efforts to face life on life’s terms. It felt good. Just that any applaud does not last long. After the sounds die, there is still a life to face.

There are a lot of negative comments and feedback which come in now and then on this blog and on the blog for the online shop. I am having to learn that what other people say and do is about them and not about us. And we need to leave it at that. We can choose to take what is healthy feedback and leave the rest.

To learn, to unlearn and then to learn again.

To live, to die and then to live again.

Closed another project in Hyderabad. Seem to be getting the Midas Touch this month (the horoscope in the sunday newspaper mentioned this!). We do need to expand the team now (the new larger office space seems necessary in retrospect). But we also need to go slow and steady. It is a test match (has been for years now) for us and not a one day, limited overs match. We have to continue to make runs every day.

The car needs repair. The electricity bill (for the house) has been paid (Thank God). Of course we need some electronic machines to make our life more complicated ( we do not even have a washing machine and our TV barely operates after a few punches on the top) but that is not a priority. What is important is that we have work and if we can do it well, I guess the rest will happen on its own.

Probably after shifting to the new office, I could take some time off to reflect on the losses incurred (emotional, financial and otherwise) to reach here. Till then its back to ‘playing the match’ and facing each ball as it comes.

Till then.

I did not feel like coming to work today but it is like one task at a time, one day at a time. And what needs to be done on a daily basis has to be done. I have not really accomplished much. A few phone calls, a few mails and that is about all. A lot of clutter needs to go from my table. Too many unproductive files.
It will happen I guess. awareness, acceptance,action. Action is the last step you see. I am yet in the awareness stage you see. Although action is the magic word.

So today, I just wish to go home, lie down and rest. Close my eyes and forget that I have loans to re-pay, that we need more projects and the unpaid bills.

For once. For a change.

Surrender to a HP.