The bankers are ‘pleased’ with our performance ( as long as their instalments are paid !). It is time to renew our working capital limits and for once they have a positive attitude. We had forgotten to give our newsletter to them and so in his next meeting, Anand (the senior accountant) promptly presented a copy to all the senior officers in the bank and it appears that they are ‘mildly’ impressed. At least the newsletter has served some purpose. So it is that we have submitted the required documents to the bank and this time round we are not scared. We are sure that the bank will do its best to support us in our growth (kaunsi growth bhai? of course financial. They have nothing to do with our emotional or spiritual growth!)

Dimpi has done some amazing things with the online shop. Without any formal training, she has been able to make changes in the X-cart, the software behind the online shop and in the home page of our official website. We have formally launched the height map for Mumbai, PHBAAS and needed the heading along with the write-up on our home page and she has been able to upload it alongwith the editing in the graph. well done Dimpi. We presented her with a certificate for the best ‘project team lead’ yesterday.

Yesterday was friday ( a day when a chosen team member does the cooking for the evening) and Kamakhya cooked a special Assamese dish with steamed rice. It was very delicious and a welcome change from our daily routine of dal,chawal,sabzi. Good work Kamakhya. Of course, now Ajay (The HR manager) has introduced a ‘pizza lunch’ which means that every thursday afternoon, pizzas are ordered for lunch. It is Ajay’s turn next friday and he has said that he would require to take some cooking classes from his wife for doing it. He also mentioned that traditionally in his family, the ‘men’ never entered the ‘kitchen’ which was essentially a womans’ domain but that he was breaking this tradition and had no issues in helping his wife. That is extra brownie points for you Ajay. That indicates a lot of open mindedness, tolerance and compassion.

Still waiting for a breakthrough in projects. A new airport is coming up in Navi Mumbai so PHBAAS will need some additional work. Another proposed radar in Mumbai. Will the radars ever leave us in peace?
We are planning to prepare some special maps for the online shop depicting constituency boundaries for the elections for the Lok Sabha and the Rajya Sabha. Narendra Rana has been asked to take U turn and leave the creation of the traditional maps for a later stage. Since we have already advertised for the position of a GIS executive to assist in the online shop, he will have the required additional support.

Most of the bills for this month have been paid. Thank God. Of course there is the next month but that is tommorrow. For today, we are safe. We are not being thrown out of the office or the house and that is good. Very good.

Today is all that matters. This moment.
This breath which differentiates the living from the dead.

A single breath.

Appu has turned 18 on June 22 and it has been a milestone. She has survived eighteen years on this earth with a crazy mother. She has also survived school and the current education system. Hopefully, college will not be so claustrophobic or rigid. Appu is going through her own changes. I am desperately looking for ‘alone time’. Just need to be peaceful and quiet. I think I am done with the corporate world and with running the house.
Memories, broken promises,dreams,thoughts,hopes all crashing into each other in my mind. I should be feeling grateful. ‘Dal,roti,chhat’ hai. Of course, the ‘chhat’ is ‘rented’ but nevertheless, we are not on the roads. But it is just not enough to fill the emptiness inside. The inside is a vast infinite hole and material things can never fill it.

The team has been to a studio today to record a jingle for the online shop for airing on FM. There was a lot of speculation on whether they needed to add a ‘yo’ at the end. Ankit and Ashok were very wary of adding it as it took away from the seriousness of the ‘advertising’. However, they have been persuaded by the rest of the team to go along with the flow of the current generation and hence they have given their voices to the ‘yo’ at the end of the jingle. We have not borrowed any voice for the jingle and all our team members inculding Dimpi, Narendra, Ankit,Ashok, Bhagat,Kamakhya have used their own voices. The airing of the jingle is supposed to coincide with the launching of the shop. The team spirit is high and that is what is most important. ‘Feeling successful’ always precedes ‘becoming successful’.

‘Amma’ is back in the house (Not again!). So there is apparent manageability as far as the daily running of the house is concerned. I am hoping that it is not short-lived. We will need to put up false roofs in the office to prevent water from seeping in through the windows. The monsoons are round the corner and we cannot take a chance. The landlord has refused to invest (What’s new?). So the office will be open tommorrow and Rahim will supervise the work. Rahim, the HR guy is also wearing the hat of ‘Admin’ as of now. Nothing new here. In our team, everyone wears multiple hats. That is how we are able to survive with such a small core team.

A lot is happening on the outside. Narendra is designing the newsletter. Ankit is working on the X-cart being used in the online shop. Bhagat is learning Illustrator to be able to cartograph the maps. Ashok is working on the software and Kamakhya is building the database from AIP.

Have no idea about the ‘inside’.
And the ‘inside’ is always so much more important than the ‘outside’.
But where is the time to figure that out?

Would like to conclude in the same spirit.

‘Yo team’

Finally the TDS certificates from NATMO have arrived although the balance payment is still pending. Rajeev is following up with them as my tolerance limits have long been crossed. Is it possible or realistic to wait for two years for any payment for a project which has been finished and delivered even before that? Well, it is a government body so that kind of sums it up. They are the ‘sarkar’. They are autonomous. They can do what they want. And everything they do is legal and everything that a private sector does is illegal.

The CA is finalizing the balance sheet for the current financial year. Hopefully, it will be a better picture than last year. Ankit and Bhagat are busy in getting all the components of the online shop ready so as to be able to launch it by August 8 this year. Similarly, Ashok is trying to have his first module ready, again by August 8. Dimpi and Narendra are in the process of wrapping up the report for the site in Chennai.

Theek hi hai. Everything is fine,on the surface. Bas bheja thoda fried hai (What’s new!). I have a lot of people to thank who stood by me when my own family did not. It is because of all of them and HP that I am being able to live a life of dignity for myself and my daughter today. And that has been a huge milestone. To be self-supporting. At last, I can say that I am employed (am taking home a salary now).

I would like to travel, to read, to live, to just be. This whole chakkar of ‘dal,roti,chat’ has been very draining. And restraining.

To live and let live is so difficult. To not become a monster in the midst of monsters, is even more difficult.
Is anything easy? Just breathe. That should not take any effort.

Just breathing.

Appu has registered me on some property sites and I keep getting messages about apartments being available (of course there is no money to even think about buying any of them). So, I keep deleting them. A few days back I got one mentioning a studio apartment being available with a view of the Himalayan range somewhere in Ranikhet. I mean that sounded nice. To have a small space where one could get up and get a spectacular view of the strength of the mountains every morning. I shared with Appu and her immediate reaction was ‘what God forsaken place you want to be in’? But that is the point. I wish to be in a place where God’s work is more and man’s is less. Anyway there is no money as of now and the whole discussion is pointless. Its just that no property has ever interested me so much as this one close to nature.

The work on the online shop is moving ( at a slow pace but nevertheless at least it is moving). We are still waiting for some data from the site in Chennai to be able to initiate work (dal roti ka sawal hai). One license for ArcGIS 10.0 has been installed and at least the Dell machine is operational for the technical team.

I have been shouting. Nothing new. But when has shouting evoked an attitude of excellence and commitment? Lunch continues to be served in the office. Continuity is important. To start anything is so easy. To keep it going is the tough part. To do it day after day. Everyday.

Another day. Look good. Look tough. Look successful. Look as if you have it all. Even if you are crumbling inside. Even if you are scared to face anyone and anything. Its a jungle out there. All that talk on human values sounds nice buddy but that is what it is ‘all talk’. What is real is ‘green’. The ‘green money’. If you have it, let’s talk.

Give me a break.
Anytime sweetheart. After the banks and the bills let you go!

Today is just one of those days. Not really wanting to work or think of money or the larger issues. Just wanting to be. I have a joint meeting tommorrow with the AAI officials and the real estate client. But that is tommorrow.

Why have I chosen to walk this path? Why am I putting my daughter through this? No idea. Just that these questions are racing through my mind today.
The bottomline (roti, kapda,makan) takes up so much time and energy that there is very little time and energy left for the toplines (beauty,music,emotional interactions,nature,travel). The toplines are visible only in the advertisements. If you buy this today, you will get a good feel (what they do not mention is that the good feeling will not last).

I used to love collecting the various handlooms from various parts of our country, specially the sarees. The ikat from Orissa,the Tangails from Bengal, the chanderis from M.P, in fact I had quite a good collection over a period of time. Just at some point when I was setting up the first company and needed money, I sold it all (to my mother of all people). Also, over the years I think I have unconsciously subdued my dressing to avoid any extra attention. As it is, it has been easy for all and sundry to blame me for using my charms. So I guess, I just kind of shifted gears. ‘Don’t look good’, is the silent message I have given to myself over a period of time to support the life I have chosen.
And Appu is following in my footsteps. Has no interest absolutely in looking good.

I guess, I will take it easy today. I will do what I can, not what I should today.
And let the universe go about its business without my interference or control.

The earth will still rotate and I will continue to breathe.
I have to remember that I am not really so important.

That I am just a part of the whole.

I was daughter no. 2 and that in itself was a very unwanted scenario. And then, I was rebellious,different. So, I was always at loggerheads with my mother. My father was neither here nor there. He could never take a stand on any issue. Basically, he would agree that I had a point and then would promptly go back to saying that my mother was right and she wanted the best for me. So it was always a see saw. I never ‘felt’ I had a father figure in my life on whom I could depend and who would stand by me no matter what.

And later in life I realized that my mother wanted me to do a job, earn some money but beyond that she envisioned a purely traditional role for me with me obeying my husband, running the house efficiently ( I could never match up to her standards) and bringing up kids ( and definitely have a boy somehow). She would say that there was no gender bias in her mind but all her actions only reflected that. A lot of pujas were performed in our house so that my mother could be blessed with a baby boy and that is how my brother came in this world ( he is nine years younger to me). The gender bias was even more visible thereon.

So, when my marriage did not work out and I did not wish to do a conventional job, she was not willing to take a stand and put anything at stake. It was as if I was all alone in the choices I was making and that is how it has been for a very long time. The unsaid message was that if I could take up a regular job, be a normal married woman, she could deal with me and maybe gift me a few sarees now and then, maybe if she got very happy then even a piece of jewellery but nothing beyond that.

If I was looking at support to start my own work, emotionally or financially, it was unavailable.
If something was to be put at stake, she would back out. And also ask the other family members to stay away. So, over the years I have understood that She has been unwilling to participate in my mission to achieve my full potential. She was ok with me being her prototype but when I wanted to take more risk, to take on bigger challenges ( to step into a male dominated field), she was unavailable.

And that has taken its toll. On me. On my daughter.

I guess it is never easy to take a stand, more so for a daughter.

But then I guess the trees and the grass really have no bills to pay, or the rent and they don’t even have to look good. They don’t have to own a swanky car or mobile or branded clothes or a huge apartment.They just have to be, to exist and that is enough. I mean that is a cool life.

So, I invited God to walk with me. And I said, look dude, I mean I am in a bit of a problem here if you know what I mean. I have this bundle of unpaid bills in my drawer, not to forget the rent of the house and the office and the salaries of the team and then there is the usual atta, dal, chawal, sabzi,petrol, you get it, right. Now, I would be really grateful if you could tell me what exactly is going wrong. I mean we tried bribing (you know that since nothing is hidden from you), it did not work for us. we tried being the best technically, that did not work either. So what the hell is going on here. Are we in the wrong direction? Or the wrong kind of work or the wrong planet?

Or is it some poverty of thought that is stopping us from making the basics?

I mean I am not really looking at a luxurious life but dude, I mean if I could, not be tense about every bill, about every 30th of the month, not worried about the salaries, not worried about the ‘roti, kapda,makan’ it would be a better life. And we could negotiate with our clients for a better price, for a better deal. And maybe I could take off to the mountains or the dunes with my daughter for a day or two. That would not really harm your universe, right.

OK. So think about it God. I have no idea why you have sent me on this planet Earth, but whatever your aim is, it is getting damn tough in here. This is FYI (for your information) and further action.

Thanks for listening.