Tag: scary

The ‘R’

Holi is over.

The best part of Holi this year has been the gujiyas made by Appu. All by herself. With no help at all.  Well done bebzer. Very proud of you.

Appu has gone to be with her grandparents and father to celebrate Holi. After a long time. I sincerely hope that she has a good time. Living with me has made her life very stressful. On all fronts.

The constitution of the Appellate Committee has ensured a certain transparency and consistency in the height clearance projects at AAI. Very welcome indeed. The work front is getting better. Of course the volume of bills are also increasing. And their amount. So I guess it is a constant crazy race to match the two.

Rishtey? C’ommon, you should have grown up by now. Economics ki baat karen?Care and concern. Which product do you wish to sell bhaiya? Care and Concern toh advertisements mein hi dikhta hai.What madness. Money. And more money. Quite a chakravyuh. And we are so happy enmeshed in it. We do not even wish to get out before we die.

Team. Oh yes, the team. The winning team. Pehle team to bana lo. Winning to baad ki baat hai. Why the hell are you so sarcastic man? Koshish kar rahen hain. Dekh rahen hain aap. We are trying. For a long time buddy. It has been years. There again, The sarcasm. Yaar time lagta hai. ATM machine to nahin hai. Ki kaam dalo aur success nikalo. Everything takes time. At least the good things.

At some point we wish to be out of this madness. How? No idea.

But we do wish to get out. Before it is too late. before we get completely sucked in. Maybe it is already too late.

very scary thought. Too late for what?

For restoration of the soul,mind,body. Foe resurrection. For recovery.

The ‘R’.




Jai Hind.

The cops are a copout.

We have lost faith in the entire police system. The cops seem to be more dangerous in their uniforms than actual goondas. 

What happened in this office with us yesterday is a matter of shame for the entire country. The police was hand in gloves with the two boys (ex-employees) who have powerful connections in terms of money and position (their uncle is a commissioner apparently in the police department) and created violence in the office with legal permission so to say. The entire operation was staged to support the illegal elements for unlawful gains and control. The incident has created so much fear in the remaining employees that no one wishes to work in this office anymore.

All the employees walked out today because of the chaos and violence created by these two boys fresh out of college  who had blood in their eyes as  their services were terminated due to bad behaviour. And no action has been taken against them. In fact the manager (admin) who was beaten up by them has been forced by the police to change his statement so as to protect the two culprits. The  manager changed his statement by 180 degrees after being intimidated by the police. 

What a country? What a shame? And these are the uniformed men? men? You think so? 

Is that being an officer? 

There was another incident where I was beaten up by the goons of the local MLA of Okhla Phase-I and  no action was taken on my complaint by the SHO  of Okhla Phase-I Thana. Aam baat hai. The goons bet me up and left. Simple hai. After all the MLA is behind them. I am sorry my parents got me educated. Education does not help in this country. Goondagardi does. Its good to be a goonda. And a man in this country. All this talk about women protection. All humbug. All for political gain. For votes.

 Jungle Raaj. Just camouflaged in the garb of civilization. Very scary.

Is anyone listening?

 Jai Hind.

Still searching

Why did we choose this path?

Wanted to look cool? to look good? Is that it?

you ask as if there were many choices.

Of course there must have been. At least a few, if not too many.

So you tell me. Which one would have been a better choice?

To live or to die?

To face dis-respect in the family or to face dis-respect in the world outside?

To let goons rule this country and become one in the process?

Or to fake that everything is fine, that education eradicates all evils and hide behind a good image? Behind more cars,mobiles,money. That I am OK and you are OK and everything is OK. When the truth is that nothing is OK.

But to face the truth would be too devastating. Too scary. So let the facade go one.  Yes,we are a growing country.

Yes we are an emerging economy. yes, we are moving towards gender equality ( I mean we are talking about it, a lot I must say), yes we take a holiday in the name of Gandhi, we say the right words at the right time. But that is where it stops.

Look beneath the surface and you will see that the first qualification to enter politics is the ability to indulge in mindless violence, to have a criminal background, to have loads of money and the ability to distribute liquor, dreams, promises to the poor, the scheduled castes and the have-nots without having to work for it. The poor are promised the world without working for it, if only they vote for them. How is that possible?

Success or failure in such a world would not matter. I guess we are all failures in some way. For allowing all this decay to continue. For not having the courage to stop the wheel and re-invent it. Even in our own lives, forget about others, society and the world at large.

A colleague asked me, your life is still not on track? You are still getting beaten up and dealing with the cops, actually goons in uniform. And my answer is:

My friend, I do not know whether my life is on track or not because I am still looking for the track. Where is the track?

I am still searching.

Still searching.


‘This Earth’

It is quite a job. To be a woman. To be constantly aware of the fact that at any moment, anyone can trespass our boundaries. Emotional or Physical. It is quite a scary thought and to constantly live with it can be very tiring and exhausting. Just behind the thin veneer of liberty, equality and freedom for women is this stark, brutal reality of being inferior to men. The moment we step out of the defined boundaries , there is hell to pay. In the family, in the society, in our professional lives and in the world at large. I guess that is why we are struggling with the bank so much. I am a woman and I have no land. There cannot be a worse combination. Add to it the lack of a ‘man’ behind me. pathetic. It is very difficult for the bankers to trust me with large amounts of money. Even though we have been paying the installments consistently. Even though our performance has been consistent, if not mind blowing or path breaking.

I do not know what the Higher Power has in mind for me. The HP’s intentions are not very clear to me as of now. To give in or to stand up. I was recently able to attend an NA meeting and a member shared how his daughters had no toilet to go to. How they did not dare to venture out in the night for relieving themselves as they could be molested or raped in the fields. So they have to wait the entire night until dawn breaks for going to the fields.  One of his daughters is now living with us and I have no idea how we could make her life better and if at all such a possibility exists. This is the development of our country if you may please. This is the reality behind the malls, the glitz and glamour of high technology gizmos. sachhai dekh lo yaar. Before it is too late. Maybe it already is too late.

We need to invest in the technology of ‘Photogrammetry’. So we are looking at the universe to open up sources for the funds and energy required. The stereo satellite images ordered for a specific project have not yet arrived. We are a unique country. Everything takes time. Even time takes time.

We continue to look for leaders. As I mentioned earlier, we are constantly in recruitment mode now. There is nothing much to say. There is fear. Constantly lurking behind as a backdrop in the mind and heart. Need large doses of faith here.

Choose between faith and money. Well?

I mean what about both. Or is there a guarantee that faith could lead to money and vice versa?

Just go to hell. But we are already in hell. I mean we are on this earth which is like hell.

‘This Earth’.

‘The last call’

My father visited us last evening. Me and Appu were happy to see him. It had been a long time. Just that he mentioned that my brothers’ turnover had crossed 8 crores and that my sister was receiving rent from her two houses apart from a very good salary from the government job that she holds. All in all, meaning that compared to them we were like BPL, below poverty line. Theek hai. Its OK. We are alive. We have survived. Should be enough for us.

Later in the night he shared how he was afraid to visit us. Afraid that we might reject him. It is sad. A father scared of visiting his daughter. What is there to say? I did not know I was so scary. Maybe I have grown some horns or a few thorns here and there.

I do not know how long is the walk,
I do not know whether there is any miracle waiting for us at the end,
Or if the end just lies in Nigambodh Ghat,
I do not know whether we are in the right direction,
or whether there is such a thing as right or wrong, light and darkness, truth and lies.

We walk because that is all we can do,
We show up for life every day, every moment because the rest is not in our ambit,
We do the best we can each day,
knowing that our absence will not cause any major upheaval in the universe,
That we are only a very miniscule part of the larger whole,
And hoping that we can contribute in some small way,
to create meaning for at least one life.

Before the final departure.

‘The last call’.

Shaping the mind

Ek aur subah, ek aur din,ek aur zindagi,ek aur maut,ek aur pal

It happened to be my birthday yesterday. Nothing spectacular about it. But Appu baked a cake for me (Thank you bebu). And the team surprised me with a bouquet and cake and candles in the conference room. Thank you guys. It felt like a complete day. There was a feeling of emptiness in the morning which transformed into wholeness by the end of the day. My immediate family never called and for once, it did not matter.

I was convinced that the most difficult task in running a show was to get orders and projects. I am beginning to believe that that is not true. The most challenging task is to choose the right people, to build a team. And to keep them on the winning side.

Two people finish their training with us today and will get certificates of completion. It feels good. To be able to provide certificates of training which could make a difference to lives. AAI has completely clammed up with us. No idea what is happening at the other end. Ok we will know what we need to know at the right time. Trust the timing. faith and trust, huge issues.

HR, Admin,Accounts- everything is a mess. Good. The mess is necessary. Before a clean-up can happen. It is just scary. Everything is visble. the mistakes, the errors, the minus, the plus. It is like holding up a mirror to oneself without the make-up, the masks,the fakeness.

I guess I am not making any sense. Its just one of those days. Am trying to get the mind in shape for the day ahead.

Shaping the mind.

Any place where they train you to do that?

The show must go on

I lost my shawl (one of the two I have) while taking a walk in the park. I left it on a bench to walk freely and now I am free of the shawl (gareebi me atta geela). Got an SMS ( SMS from banks,clients and now the school has followed, the SMS culture is truly in!) from Appus’ school asking us to ‘ensure that our wards did not miss school’. Now how the hell are we supposed to do that? I mean ‘school’ for most kids is a synonym for a ‘concentration camp’. Now how can we ensure that they do not miss it and reach on time? The kids understand more in tution classes than in school. School is only to be able to get the minimum attendance so as to be able to sit for the board exams. How much more pathetic can it get. I think being a ‘dropout’ is not such a bad idea after all. A ‘dropout’ would indicate a ‘dropout’ from the ‘system’, not necessarily from ‘education’.

Work is happening ( as in ‘happening’). There is ‘work’. So hopefully, the ‘money’ will follow. Getting ‘respect’ would be another story altogether. ‘Respect’ is fast becoming an ‘unknown word in our lexicon.

Everyone is eagerly waiting to shift to the new office (which has a larger space). Of course a lot of work is still pending (which also means that a lot of money is still required for the makeover). And we do not wish to stop work here as there are deadlines for the projects we have undertaken.

Too much time on this earth could be detrimental. It would be nice to just experience life, do what one has to do and leave it to the younger generation to create something better and more worthwhile.

I have been thinking ( that is what I do most of the time anyway) that most of us live in a dream most of the time (just like in ‘Inception’). We live in a dream created by us for years, maybe generations at the second or third level. And it is a comfortable world. We believe what we wish to believe. The ‘reality’ is too heartbreaking, too painful. So we prefer to stay in a makebelieve world where all is well and nothing changes, day after day. Until a crisis happens to break that comfort level. And we are forced to face reality. And the facade breaks.

So maybe it is important that the facade remains intact. Of a happy family, of a successful life, of a ‘happening’ political and democratic system, of power, of being in control. The other side would be too scary to show. Just like the slums of a country or the ‘poor’ of a family. Now the poverty could be ‘financial’ or ‘emotional’. It has to be hidden. Behind lies, drugs, clothes,cars.

The ‘show’ must go on.


Getting ‘respect’ is too scary. How is one supposed to handle that? We (me specifically) are so used to getting dis-respect beginning from the family of origin to the world outside. I am beginning to think that is is easier to handle dis-respect and rejection. For years we have had people rejecting our work, our company. Shouting and screaming whenever payments have been delayed. Now all of a sudden things are changing. Its like where we were not even supposed to enter, doors are being opened for us and chairs are being pulled out for us to sit comfortably. Its damn uncomfortable.

Shiva says the magic is about ‘money’. When ‘money’ comes then ‘everything’ and ‘everyone’ changes. That also implies that when money goes all this so called ‘drama of respect’ will go. That is even more scary.

I wonder if there was an AMC (Annual Maintenance Contract) for ‘relationships’, would it have helped. I mean there is an AMC for all possible kinds of hardware and machines. But ‘relationships’ are more fragile and devastating. What about them? If such an AMC were available, relationships between family members, team members, between countries,economies could be repaired. That could save a lot of money and time and lives. No wars, no fight over property,no disputes to be settled in court,no emotional discord. Maybe this is just wishful thinking. Maybe ‘women’ could do a better job of executing such an ‘AMC’ if it existed.

My father visited and met Appu. Of course, he mentioned that my brother ran a company with a turnover of 6 crores whereas ‘her mother’ (i.e me) had been in the struggle zone for years. Why can’t they just leave us alone. We are OK with the way of life we have chosen. I do not know what is their problem. I am not competing with my brother. I am just trying to do my best. Why is it so difficult for my parents to understand?
The anniversary celebrations are coming nearer and I have no idea whether to go or not. My family always triggers me (negatively) and I am not too keen to be a part of their insanity anymore.

Sometimes the sane are more insane than the insane.

Does it make any sense?


Lets talk about it.

Hiding behind a routine

The 'routine'It took me a lot of time to set up a routine. Getting up at a particular time, doing the daily chores, sending my daughter to school, going for a walk, getting ready for work, the same drive at the same time, come back, have dinner, say the right things, take a bath ( let us not forget the bath, that is one of the few luxuries I enjoy) and go to bed (of course after saying a prayer).

I mean a routine is supposed to be ‘good’. It implies a disciplined way of life. It is the traditional way of living. It is a way of ‘looking good’.

But more and more, I am beginning to understand that a ‘routine’ is like a ‘rut’. You get stuck in it and it becomes ‘familiar territory’. Even if it is no longer working for us, at least it is familiar shit. It is very easy to hide behind it, not trying out different things, not meeting new people, not giving up on work or relationships which do not work anymore.

Any change is scary. So stay with what you have. Don’t change and don’t allow others around you to do the same. Let us not shake the existing structure. That is all we have. A ‘routine’. A ‘pattern’. If that is taken away, how will we face the emptiness of our life, the shallowness of our relationships, the meaninglessness of our work? So let the facade be. fake it to make it. fake happiness. fake success, fake good relationships. fake it till our entire life is fake.

At the end of the day, there is no real life. Just a ‘routine’. That is how dysfunctional organizations and families operate. For years and years, for generations. By not allowing any change. And no one lives in such systems. people just survive. They maintain the pattern. The routine.

Maybe its time for me to stop hiding. Get out of the ‘rut’.


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