Tag: self respect

‘Kahaan hain’?

We have a core technical team. That’s awesome. I mean we have been without a core team for a long time now. It is difficult to be a part of GC. It is easier to run away. Mostly people run away within 24 hours of joining.  At least the technical guys. Pata nahin kya chakkar hai. I guess there is a virus in the company. The majority are looking for an easy job with a good ‘package’ deal. To learn, to grow is not on their agenda at all. And to work with passion is an unknown feeling for them. Or they come from a production background where they have worked like labor class churning out databases day in and day out on customized softwares. Not their fault actually. Starting from the educational Institutes in our country to the companies doing low-end outsourced work from international countries, there is no focus on learning,understanding,researching or being a leader.

I am very grateful for the core team. Also for the admin, accounts and hardware team. And lastly the cook and the housekeeping team. We need all of them to run the show. In fact the cook is the most important character of all the teams. He is giving us good, healthy and tasty meals three time a day which gives us time to focus on producing quality work and learning. We do not have to eat fast food or unhealthy food from outside which is huge bonus. Of course a lot of effort goes in running the pantry but I guess at the end of the day, it is worth the effort. All of us stay the night in the office  on friday. The technical team to wrap up the work of the week gone by and to strategize for the coming week, the admin team to get the pantry cleaned, arrange for the rations and get any repair work completed. The accounts team to release payments to the various vendors, meet the pantry expenses as well as other major bills. And then we go home for the weekend, tired and exhausted but with a sense of achievement.

There are huge gaps in our knowledge base and a long way to go before we truly grasp the fundamentals of the work we are doing in the sector of aviation safety. But we are trying everyday. To move forward millimeter by millimeter, inch by inch. Sometimes walking, sometimes crawling on our knees. And that is what we promise to ourselves each day. That we will keep trying till we live. That is the only USP of GC. That we will always try to become winners, leaders and to create more winners and leaders. However hard the path may be.

Appu is completely focussed on her dancing and is finally settling down into a hectic schedule. She has accepted my absence during the nights when I am mostly in the office. Of course a driver has been hired by her to get me back from office in the mornings when there is a higher risk of me dozing off behind the wheels and getting into a crash.Thanks bebzer. I guess I needed this. I am not a superstar.

We are a poor country, not because of a poor GDP or the other numbers but because there are no leaders, no role models. The largest democracy in the world has no leaders today. No self respect. No dignity. We have more malls, more technology, more swanky cars, but somehwere it is all empty. The core is missing. There is no strength. It is all falling apart. The education system, the sports, the bureaucracy, the politicians. Its all about money and it is all fake. I guess the truth will be too much to bear.  So we live each day hoping that the ‘money’ will protect us and our next generation from the muck all around. False hopes truly. The shit will hit us all. Sooner or later.

Elections. It is better not to talk about it. The biggest shitpot. No leadership. But then how can we find a leader amongst losers. If we are all losers than our captain who has to be chosen amongst us will also be loser. Isme hairani ki kya baat hai. If the bottomline is bad, the topline cannot be good. Garbage in Garbage out. We have to look at ourselves. At some point. We have to be human beings first.

Lecture se toh kuch badlega nahin. Ab zindagi jaise chal rahi hai, chalne do. Desh jiase chalta hai, chalne do. Apna paisa kamao aur aish karo. This is the patriotic song of the citizens of this country now. We give a damn.

Toh kya farak padta hai, kaun captain banta hai. How does it fucking matter? We cannot see beyond our own self interests, our own life. Usko vote denge jo job dega, bijli dega,paani dega. Toh yeh sab to ek gunda bhi kar sakta hai jo murder bhi karta hai. Ek leader ki zaroorat kya hai? Aur education ki toh bilkul bhi zaroorat nahin hai.

Depressing? I guess. Toh thoda FM sun lete hain. Facebook par chale jaate hain. Chat kar lete hain. Kuch photo voto upload karte hain. Kuch ‘likes’ aa jayenge. pain chala jayega, at least till the next wave of awareness hits us.

‘Jinhe naaz hai Hind par woh kahaan hai?’

Kahaan hai?

‘And why’

Work has begun in the newly leased office space. It is bareshell and a lot of renovation,fabrication,interior wok needs to be done to make it operational. Quite a job. Appu is coordinating with the architects and contractors and that is a major burden off my head. The biggest challenge facing us is that of building a good team. A team which has this ‘stuff of leadership’ one keeps hearing about. The stuff dreams are made of. We have a dream. A fantasy.

I think it is time we re-defined ‘poverty’. Poverty is not about having ‘nothing’. It is about having ‘everything’ and yet wanting ‘more’ by any means. It is about dis-respecting women and children. It is about hiding our true selves and presenting a painted mask to the world just to look good. It is about not confronting the truth for fear of loss of wealth or chair, even if it is staring us in the face. It is about producing bad quality work and getting away by saying that we are not educated enough. It is about selling our souls to make money fast. So the rich are sometimes poorer than the poorest. And the poor are often times richer than the richest. Bahut complicated hai.

We are also a country driven by bottomlines. Ten years ago it was ‘roti,kapda,makan’. And even today it the basics. The politics of this country is driven by the bottomline. Add to it ‘daaru’. So if the would be netas ( really?) offer khana,kapda and/or daaru, the promise of a few square feet of land, they get the votes. To achhi sarkar kahan se banegi? We are the ones selling our own futures so cheap. Whom can we blame? And the money to provide all this comes from the corporates. And hence politics becomes business. Based on M&M. Money and Muscle power. Mike par speech dene se koi neta thodi ban jaata hai. We have no leaders today. We have no one to look up to. That is a poverty that cannot be redeemed. Our younger generation is busy trying out the western culture. Whether it is clothes, lifestyle, drinking, smoking, girlfriends or easy money, they want it all and now. No spark. All plastic. I guess we are responsible. This is what we have created. Plastic people. Plastic money.

Where is the topline? What kind of a nation do we wish to be? What are the qualities we wish to live by? What do we wish to be known for? Can we just become clean for a change? Manage the garbage and drainage? Ensure clean water supply to all before creating more malls? Ensure enough parking space and open space before allowing more cars on the already overcrowded roads? Do good work in place of just trying to look good? We do not donate organs, we do not donate time and we certainly do not donate goodwill. Are we really human? The lawyers and judges are worse than prostitutes. Yes. The courts are worse than the so called red light areas where thousands queue up to buy and sell souls everyday.

More than money, we need to generate and achieve self-respect today. As a nation. As individuals.

So that our children do not turn around and ask us:

‘What the hell have you done?’

‘And why?’


Any buyers?

The rapes, the drainage, the bribes, the abuse on the roads, in the families, the rot of the politicians, the glamourous malls and the shit behind them, the sale of mind body and soul.

There is truly no point in bringing more children into this country. Specially girls. They are not safe in their own families, on the roads, in their professions. Barring a few who are able to prove their mettle beyond reasonable doubt, the majority are always at risk. Any  father of a girl can have no peace of mind, ever. Izzat ke liye izzat becho. For gaining false respect in society, we have to give up on our self respect.

Aur is sab ke beech mein zinda rehna. Just to stay alive is a task. And what would success mean in a rotting society? Does it matter? When there there is so much of poverty of ‘thought’ all around, what would it mean to have a lot of money or fame or name?

Where are the young men and women of character? with a purpose? with a mission? Who can live and die for what they believe in? The youth of today change jobs for money, for glamour. Wish to make a quick buck without the hard work, change girlfriends faster than the websites they search, have no respect for education or research or seniors. How can they hold the future of this country in their hands? And what future are we offering to them anyway? A future where everything has a price? Relationships, career, sex? Everything can be bought if only you have enough money?

The lanes of the colonies we live in are jam packed with long limousines. There is no space to walk, leave alone cycle or play. And the more number of houses/cars one has, the greater the respect. Chalo bhaiya, sab cocaine bech lete hain. Let us buy houses, land, cars by hook or by crook. Ajeeb pagalpanti hai. Complete madness.

Daaru for votes, for elections is being distributed. Money, blankets, empty promises. That is all it takes to buy our vote. We are so cheap.

We are dying. All of us. And yet we wish to prove that we are a huge success. Every moment. Acting kar kar ke thak nahin gaye yaar?

We need some leaders and fast. leaders ready to die to make a change. Leaders with no political ambitions. No greed of the chair.

Everything is for sale.

Any buyers?


To keep walking

Money, time, self- respect.

Take your pick. Cannot have all at the same moment in time and space. One at the cost of the other. That’s the deal. Good or bad. All of them are mutually exclusive. Cannot co-exist.

The projects in hand are very challenging and require a great amount of precision and accuracy. Therefore working throught the nights has become the norm rather than the exception for us.  Interviews, court case, bills, water, AC repair, atta, dal, chawal for the office- the regular drill. Two GIS candidates joining us tommorrow. Fingers crossed. Will they be able to perform? To deliver? To sustain the pressure of giving a good performance. So many times we have hoped. Against hopes. That amongst the vast sea of applications, we would be able to find one winner. One leader. No success so far.

Appu has been experiencing severe anxiety attacks for the past  few weeks. The added stress of the office is too much for her to handle. Living alone (Since I am in office entire nights) and contributing in running the house is in itself a huge job for her. A lot of unmanageability in many areas of our lives. Mostly of time now. And delivering good work. The money, though not too much is enough for us to break even. To pay the monthly bills.

The plants in the office are dying. Its difficult to keep human beings alive. Abhi plants ko kaise bachayen? They need water which is just not available. And care. And attention. All difficult commodities in today’s time and age. Unless the plants produce some direct  tangible profits like in airports, five star hotels where they are part of the decor, part of the package, a necessary accessory which contributes to revenues. Everything, every relationship today is a function of economics, of the revenue that can be generated out of it.

Our work is being accepted by AAI now. Huge leap of faith. Quite a milestone in our career. The software development project has been in cold storage for a while and it is a painful matter but we have not yet given up on the dream. One day. Ek din. We will finish and launch the project.

There is the noise of criticism all around. It affects us less now.

The magic is to keep walking. Regardless.

To keep walking.

Huge battle won

A pause. A break. Much needed. From the daily chaos of life. From the constant wear and tear of living. From the politics of survival. Survival of the fittest.

We have a CA and we have a core team. Quite a miracle I must say. Actually we are alive, that in itself is a miracle. We could have died in many ways: financially, emotionally, physically. Maybe large parts of us have died. But there is yet some life. There is a glimmer of hope. And hope is everything.

The past few weeks have been extremely hectic. Of course the doors of AAI have closed on us. But we have taken the time to educate ourselves further to understand the Approach Plates and other navigation aspects of aviation. And for the first time, we are learining for the sake of learning. Not for marks, not for money ( ok maybe it exists somewhere on the faraway horizon of our mind because of the constant bills)), not for accolades or fame. A huge shift in our understanding of ‘knowledge for the sake of knowledge’.

I am tired. Quite tired actually. So today the effort is to take a break. From calls, from work, from learning. To be silent for a while. Inside and outside. Appu has taken a scooter on installments and she has promised to give me a ride in the evening. I am looking forward to it. It is quite a job to run the pantry in the office. And the house. So Ashok and Vikas have taken over the responsibility in the office for now. Thank you guys. And Appu has taken the responsibility for running the house. What better gift than to be relieved of all the responsibilities. Thank you bebzer.

We do not own property. And we do not have a spectacular turnover. So I really do not know if we have achieved anything as per the standards of the outside world. But we have ensured that every member of our team is a leader.
We have made an effort to learn something everyday and to be better than yesterday, everyday. And we have survived with our self respect intact.

And that has been a huge battle won.

‘Live to die’

Hate visiting the lawyers. The bankers cannot give us any window of time to retaliate the revoking of the BG by PACT, Lucknow. Le lo yaar. It is money after all. We were more concerned about the self respect that would be damaged if this act was condoned. But maybe the chief engineer or chairman PACT will lose self respect, not us. We have done the work, at a loss and as directed by PACT to the best of our ability, in fact even beyond it. We have to surrender the rest to the universe. Money will go and come. Hopefully. And we are not on the roads, as yet.

Gujiyas. My mother is very good at making them. I thought of calling her to ask for the recipe like any daughter would do under normal circumstances. But I do not know if she will talk to me. She has thrown me out of her life. I am not welcome in her life or home anymore. When the doors of your own home are closed, which other doors can open for you.

I drive back from the office very late in the night and the stark naked roads seem more real, more truthful than the hustling bustling roads of daytime. raat mein zyada sachhai dikhti hai. din se raat zyada schhi hai. It is like there is no mask in the night. There is no fakeness. No need too look good. To make money. To cover up.

Team nahin hai. All of us have different histories, different backgrounds and different limitations. We are using different survival tactics and feel more attacked than protected. So we are threatened by each other. Kya karen? We hurt each other to be able to survive. At any cost.

Blabbering as usual. Have we been able to change even one person? Then let us just shut up and go about our business.

Living is a preparation for dying.

And dying every moment is a preparation for living the next.

‘live to die’

‘The normal normal’

Life has been very difficult in the past few days. It has been diffcult to breathe, let alone live, walk, talk. Write. It is as if we have been constantly under siege.

We have two professionals coming in from Afghanistan for advanced GIS training and we need to arrange for their boarding and lodging as well. This is freaking us out.I mean the bit about ‘boarding and lodging’. We are thinking along the lines of maintaining a small guesthouse on behalf of the company which could host people from outside the NCR region for a few days as and when required. Chandrakant is leaving for Mumbai this week for ground truthing and collection of GCP’s. We would like to wish him best of luck.

It is always diffciult to draw boundaries. To stand up for what we believe in regardless of what the others think. It is always easier to give in. To belong. To go with the crowd. I think this is why our life will always be difficult. On many fronts. For me and for Appu. The cops, the landlords, the un-deserving, the immature , the system will always try and crush our self-respect.
The bankers are also breathing down our backs. The instalment and the interest is being paid every month but now they need more transactions. Maybe we should sell a few grams of cocaine. That is the only way we can make money overnight and give them the transactions or the turnover or the money. Any which way. That is why so many scams happen and then we wonder what the hell is happening and why.

‘Normalcy’. Are you mad? What is normally normal?
Maybe the abnormal is normal. And the sane, more insane.

Still looking for ‘normal’. Keep looking buddy. It does not exist.

‘The normal normal’.

Too much to ask for

Appu has finished her exams. The rats in the office have been taken care of. Now it is the ants causing nuisance value in the pantry. And there is this long list of rations to be bought for the office. And another list of bills to be paid. But that is another story in another reference frame. Need to let go of the fear around ‘money’ issues. There was enough yesterday. There is enough today and there will be enough tommorrow. ‘Money’ and ‘self respect’. Tough combination. Its difficult for both of them to live together. One is very quick to leave when the other arrives. Or let us say, one always comes at the cost of the other. So trying to have them both is a formidable task. One we have been trying to achieve for a very long time now.

Father has sent me a mail. Acknowledging that the ‘family’ ‘deserted’ me when I needed them the most. It is the truth. And now it is in the open. But what can I do with this acknowledgement? Does the acknowledgment of a crime take away its consequences? The damage has already been done. And what is done is done. Cannot reverse the time clock unless of course Einsteins’ theory of relativity could be applied here.

The online shop is in shape. The payment gateway is still in the testing stage and there is concern about it, but there is nothing much we can do about it. Time will take time. Just keeping our fingers crossed. Hariom and Ashok are struggling with the basics of the software application. ‘Struggle’. A very familiar state of being for us.

Nothing earth shattering as of now. Just the same routine. Just following the routine is taking all our energy, all our time. If we can keep up the routine, it will be a huge achievement.

Just being alive is an achievement. That is the bottomline.
‘Being happy’ would be too much to ask for. A topline so to say.

Too much to ask for.

An everyday job

Chandan, Om Prakash and Ashok stayed back in the office last night. Kuch to ho jayega. I do not think we will die. With a committed team one cannot fall. But I do hope that this committment, patience and perseverance can last. Till the mission is achieved. Even after the infatuation with the job is over.That is until we become completely self supporting. emotionally, spiritually and financially.
Are we a brand? Or an anti brand? People ask me: ‘dhandha vanda karna hai ki nahin? itni honesty se kya hoga?’ I do not know. maybe this is not the way to run a business. But I do not know of any other way. Or let us say that any other way would mean losing out on self respect which is what we wanted in the first place. Cannot trade ‘self respect for ‘money’. So if that means that we live and die on the battlefield, so be it.
Still ‘looking’ for work. ‘waiting’ for a miracle.
Open the shop. Suit up, boot up and show up. nothing more. nothing less.

Interviews, accounts, pantry, admin,plants. Like breathing.

An everyday job.

Right now

The car still stands at the local police thana. The issue is definitely not the car. The picking up of the car symbolizes the impotence of our system and of those in power, be it the president of the Resident Welfare Association or the SHO of the Pushp Vihar police station. It symbolizes what the consequences can be if ‘wishes’ of those in power are not met. The president of the RWA or the SHO cannot allott a slot for parking my car and yet they can pick it up as and when it suits them from where I live because they are upset with the place it is parked at. Although no slots have been allotted to anyone and parking is on a ‘first come, first served’ basis, apparently it is ‘theirs’. ‘Kabza’ hai RWA ke president ka. This is how he is doing welfare. It is welfare for the ‘the rich, the powerful and the greedy’. It is not welfare for all. It is selective welfare to protect the interests of those ‘who matter’.
In place of RWA, Residents Welfare Association, it should be termed as ‘Welfare association for selective residents’. And definitely not for tenants or single women or with less money.
The police post should also clearly mention that it is only meant to serve the powerful like the presidents and vice presidents of RWA’s. Not for the common man. baat nahin manoge to gadi utha le jayenge. tang karenge and all in the name of ‘law and order’. ‘Goondaraj hai’.

Its a miracle that they have just picked up the car. Not me. I am sure they would love to pick me up, control my life and make me grovell to their whims and wishes. Thank God I can breathe. Its just the car that they have attacked. As yet.

Kuch naya to hai nahin. I mean this has been going on for years. the unwritten rule being ‘ Do as we say or face the consequences’. So from time to time me and appu have to pay the cost of choosing this path. If we wish to live with self respect, it is a huge problem. According to those in power(any kind of power like being a man, or being a cop, or being the president of a RWA) we should live, but without any dignity. If we bend our knees, if we ask, no beg for help, then its alright. They will condescendingly grant us the right to exist else we have to face their anger and wrath. Time after time.

I guess slavery is embedded in the very marrow of our bones. So anyone trying to be free is anathema. Be a slave or have a slave. But in someway, slavery should be a part of your life. That is the mantra for the ‘sarkari babus’, for anyone in any position.

Appu has left for Pilani this morning. I hope she has a good time away from all this harassment. Since dance is her passion, I also hope that their team can perform well and feel proud of themselves.

The new team members are slowly gearing up for the long marathon ahead. I am sure some of them will not be able to take the pressure and fall out but I am hoping that a few will remain to take up the challenge.

Feeling completely drained of any energy. Need HP to pick me up and carry me through this shit.

Right now.


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