Tag: shouted

For better or for worse

If I could just run and if I could just hide. From people, from the fakeness of the world, from the lies in the relationships, from the constant need to prove one’s worth. If we could stop living our lives on visiting cards and bank statements for just a few moments. But that is like asking the earth to stop rotating. For as long as we live, this is what will matter to us, the titles, the turnovers, the cars, the houses. It is quite pathetic actually. Because at the end of all this madness, we have to stand naked in front of ourselves, in front of our maker, will all our faults and follies. Tab kya karenge? Where will we hide then? and from whom? and for how long?

After so many years of being alive, I finally shouted at my mother. She was playing the same old tune. That of her son being the most successful child amongst all three as he had made the maximum amount of money and property. And it always triggers me. So I reacted. I told her that she was uneducated and illiterate, that she cannot understand what I am trying to do and that she never could. I am not proud of all that I said to her. It does not beehove me to go down to her level. But she has been humiliating me and all that I have been trying to be that I just wanted to hurt her once. For her to feel what I feel every moment. The rejection, the pain and the constant loss of self esteem because of my parents’ abandonment. I guess it would have been easier to accept the rejection if they were dead. There is a finality in death. A sense of loss which can be dwealt with over time. But with life, there is always hope. A possibility that maybe someday they would be able to accept me and love me just the way I am.

So I reacted, shouted and walked away. From all that could have been but was not. From hope and dreams and illusions. To reality. To what is real in my life. To Appu and my work.

Challenging projects in hand. Lot of reading to do. We have bought many books, Thank God we have the money to do that. We have Document 8168 ( vol I and II), Annexyure 14, Annexture 4, Aircraft operation manual, Jeppesen Charts. Ab padai karni hai. Between the bills and the admin, accounts, client call,meetings, sleeping, time nikalna hai. Very tough. It is a fight every day. To just read and digest a few lines.

The TV in the pantry is quite a distraction for all the class IV staff. The cook, housekeeping boy ,guards and office boys love being in the pantry. The admin is proving to be tougher than the technical part. The story of our country. Satellite launch karenge lekin bijli paani nahin hai.

The technical team is getting stable ( fingers always crossed). They experienced flying in the simulator installed at the Delhi Flying Club and I think they are just beginning to fall in love with aviation and hopefully GC.

Hope is a good thing. Hope is all we have.

For better or for worse.








‘Shantih Sarvam’

Shoonyta main Poornta. Fullness in emptiness.

From ‘nothingness’ to ‘completeness’. From noise to silence. From ‘takingness’ to ‘givingness’. From ‘togetherness’ to ‘aloneness’. From ‘talking the talk’ to ‘walking the walk’. Long journey. Of living from the inside rather than the outside. Of growing up. Of living in the spiritual realm. of following the spiritual laws. Laws which sepercede all the courts created and ruled by men.

The source of India’s richness and power lay in its ability to function within and from this spiritual realm. From its ability to live in simplicity. A source which is now fast depleting because we are aping the west blindly and getting dis-connected from this huge reservoir of limitless energy and abundance. And therefore we are getiing poorer by the second. And wondering why. This beautiful tradition of doing ‘namaste’, of bowing down to the spirit in each human being in prayer, of greeting with folded hands. Kahan dikhta hai? We have forgotten the art of respecting the spirit in ourselves and in other human beings. Then we want more cops, more laws, more judges, more security, more malls, more freedom without the responsibility. In short ‘more’ of everything. In the realm of the spirit, the ‘lesser’ is better’. Less belongings, less attachments, less cravings, less food leading to a simple yet powerful life. The most powerful feelings can be expressed through the simplest of words, the simplest of gestures.

Simplicity. Dhoonte reh jayoge.

As this year ends, we would like to greet every other human being on this planet Earth with folded hands, in humility and in prayer to the spirit within each one of us. We would like to pray for their well being, for abundance and peace in their lives. For all whom we have harmed and for those who may have harmed us. So here is asking for peace for everyone in our immediate family, For those who have owned us and for those who have dis-owned us, for all who have touched our lives in any small way and for those whose existence is unknown to us. May the bond of humanity within us be strengthened and may we learn to respect each other regardless of caste,creed,color,money,country and looks.

We would like to invite all our ex-team members of GC for making amends. All those who walked out in anger, in desperation. All on whom I shouted and screamed, all whose salary was deducted or not paid and all who have resentments against us. This New Year, please visit us and forgive us. We need all of you to send us positive energy. Each one of you has a played a very important part in our journey and we would like to honor you. Please be with us in mind and spirit.

And to Appu. For being present for her physically but absent emotionally. For exposing her to every possible danger, from being on the roads to being penniless.

“Om Dhyauh Shantir- Antarisksham Shantih,

Shanti Prithvi, Shanti Rapah,

Shanti Rosadayah, Shanti Banaspatayah,

Shantir Vishvedevah,

Shantir Brahma Shantir Sarvam,

Shantih Shanti Reva,

Shantih Sama Sganti Redhi

Om Shantih Shantih Shantih Hari Om”
Unto the heaven be peace, unto the sky and the earth be peace.
Peace be unto the waters; unto the herbs and the trees be peace.
Unto all the gods be peace, unto Brahma and unto all be peace.
And may all be peace.


‘To be content’

OK. Hold your breath. This one is unbelievable (but when have believable things happened with us?). The payment gateway of the shop has been successfully integrated and it is working fine!! Just when we had given up hope of it ever working fine. Just when we thought that our e-commerce venture would go down the drain, that it would never work with all the technical glitches and the  fiasco with the last team( I mean so many have happened, right!). So the shop is technically and financially open and we should be in business soon( I mean not even one of our maps has been sold as yet but what the hell).

Thanks to Hariom and Gagan ( who has recently joined and is a fresher). Thank you guys. For winning this one.

Hariom is also very near to testing the logic to be used in the software for the calculations with reference to the surfaces and the instruments for a single airport. Chandrakant is doing some reverse engineering for a site in Mumbai and he will also need to visit it very soon to collect a few coordinates. Amit has joined us in accounts and OmPrakash in administration. Let us see. Fingers crossed as always. The beginning is good. I have already shouted once (or maybe twice) and they have not quit. Hope is a good thing anyway.

It is so difficult for us to just manage the office ,bills,clients,meals. Wonder how HP manages the earth with its rotation and every miniscule life on it. It would be good to exchange notes with HP. I mean free of cost of course. Why would HP charge us? It is only man who cannot think of anything without charging.

A lot of potential team members are reading the blog. Sone pe suhaga. I mean why would they like to join after knowing all the nitty gritties of GC? A million dollar question. Kya hoga tera kaaliya. I hope it cannot get any worse. That the worst is over ( we have said that many times in the past too).

I don’t think I am writing intelligent stuff. I should pack up. One of the tyres in my car is punctured and that will need changing before I can reach home, hopefully before the time freezed by Appu which is 1:30 pm ( in the night of course). The team packed up early today (which means by 9:30pm) and that is amazing. They have only been able to leave by 11:30pm or 12:30pm in the past few  months.

‘Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence,

And I am learning, whatever state I am in,

therein to be content.’ – Helen Keller

Just a thought

Sometimes action follows awareness and sometimes awareness follows after the action has been taken. Action and inaction, availability and absence, functional and dysfunctional, Its all mixed up.

We spend so much time, money and energy in looking good. Wonder if all that went in actually feeling good or doing good, what would that translate to?

Feeling overwhelmed right now. Too many tasks. Appu is angry as I shouted at her day before night. Lot of work pending in the Hyderabad project. We did a good job for one of our clients in Mumbai. So far so good.
We will need to shut down by the 25th of this month for shifting. Trying to wrap up as much as we can.

There are defined spaces for eating, sleeping,living,working. I think it would be nice if there were also spaces for ‘grieving’, ‘feeling’, ‘being’.

Just a thought.

All said and done

‘Water’ is an ‘online’ issue. I discovered this when we barely got any water for four days. And when I went to the officer in charge of the colony for water supply, I was told that I needed to install an online pump with a higher horse power as all the neighbouring pumps were of a higher H.P and hence with greater suction ability. The resulting pressure drop in the line ensured that we did not get any water supply. The other option was to remove all the online pumps (which of course is unrealistic). So, we need an online pump with a power of at least 1 H.P and we need a plumber to do the replacement. Great! ‘Roof’ was an issue. Now ‘water’ is also an issue. I wonder what is next. maybe ‘air’.

The ‘great’ family get together was today. I went in the morning to attend a small ‘satsang’ at my parents’ house (despite misgivings of an impending disaster). The ‘satsang’ was a video cassette of the ‘Gurus’ speech being played on a large LCD TV ( bought and gifted by my multi crore brother). It could not do full justice to the fake hallowed environment of covered heads and muted talk and a ‘pretense of being there’. I got up after a while and made myself a cup of tea and sat silently in a corner in another room. That truly felt like some kind of ‘satsang’.
The ‘satsang’ over, there was an exchange of gifts (like jewellery of gold,emeralds and pearls and money(huge)). I was quite a misfit in the entire scenario and to cover up the embarassment of having a ‘poor’ daughter, they decided to gift me an envelope with Rs. 500=00. I was also offered one of my own sarees (sold to my mother in bad times) to wear in the evening and some artificial jewellery to look good (for them of course!)My brother also offered to have me dropped to my house in an old dilapidated spare car which was also being used to transport one of their maids. So the maid and I could be clubbed together to get a ride back. I mean truly, somethings never change. my ‘Family of origin’ is one of them.
Of course, I did not attend the function in the evening in a glamourous hotel with a glamourous gathering. I had had enough glamour in the morning and enough dis-respect from my own family for a lifetime. If there is no respect where one is born and brought up, how can one expect any respect from the world outside.

Mr. Silakari of Aakar Consultants called up and was rude and loud. I disconnected the line as I have no wish to be shouted and screamed at anymore. We are doing very good work for Nagaur and Uniyara and beyond that it does not really matter. Who has written to whom and what and when is a non-issue. The politics of a government department never ceases to amaze me. More than the work the most important question is ‘who is closer to whom’ and ‘who has written to whom’ and ‘why’. Beyond me.

The new office space is being worked upon. It is what we call ‘ a work in progress’. Hopefully it will be a ‘complete work’ very soon (before we are thrown out of this office).

Work, money, self respect. The more self respect we are willing to give up on, the more money we can make. And if we wish to keep our self respect intact, forget about making huge money buddy.

Self respect and money. Inversely proportional relationship.
I guess the fight for us is more about maintaining our self respect and less about making money.

Nevertheless, a fight is a fight.

All said and done.


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