Hariom has left. Got a ‘sarkari’ job. Never mind that we invested in him for three months and put everything at stake. Never mind that we got no output from him. Not even one module. He only took from the company. Maybe that is what he was good at. Just taking and taking. He had nothing to give. And he is the best example of a typically educated and completely self centered man of our times. Gagan has left. He joined when he had no job offer. After two months, he suddenly realized that the online shop was not his cup of tea. That the online shop was just about uploading and downloading of maps. He could not make it work. And in place of doing a SWOT analysis, he dumped the project as useless. This is the current educated Generation X we have created. Its all about me,me,me,mine,my life, my money. There is no ‘us’ in their dictionary. The ‘selfishness’ is just very tiring. Very irritating. Re-start the computer. Re-start the project. Again and again. Talk about trust.
The news of a gangrape disturbs me. Why do we ban drugs of all kinds and yet promote addiction to sex? What are night pubs for anyway? Why is it not possible to ban them? Pubs are where girls and alcohol are used to boost and satisfy the male ego. What kind of entertainment can they provide? We are connecting sex with money. Then why ban prostitution? Why was the girl employed in the pub? Mainly to entice and accompany single men. At a cut. At a cost. My guess is that she refused the advances of a few men who took revenge by gangraping her. A man knows no other way of taking revenge from a woman, specially if his male ego has been compromised. And yet we claim that we live in a civilized world. Let us face it. We live in a jungle where mostly men rule. A woman must know her place, must behave else she will have hell to pay. Just like the girl who has been gangraped in Gurgaon. She was raped and slapped around. So it was not just about sexual violation. It was also proving to her as to who the boss was. No, I do not think I would like to be born as a woman again. No. Its too damn tough.
The bad: A single project in hand. Cash flows which are next to nil. The accountant wants to go home.
The good: Pradip patel has joined us in a senior position. Another trainee is arriving from Afghanistan for a months’ training. The IIT batchmates have committed to providing support.
The ugly: Appu is not talking to me. She is fed up of my unavailability. The pump in the house conked off and it took a lot of money to get it repaired.
The weekend, weekly rations, calls, homework for a project.
The repairing of things.
Leaving no time for the repairing of the soul. The most neglected task of the lot.
‘Repairing of the soul’.
I had a fight with Appu. No excuses. No explanations. I just snapped. Everything got too much. She is upset. So am I. Between the bills and the loans, there seems to be no place for any love to exist. I guess ‘sorry’ will not be enough this time round.
Chandrakant is in Mumbai today. For the collection of GCP’s. Hariom has nearly crossed the major obstacles in the software development for the maximum permissible height calculations using open source GIS. Gagan is trying the install the SSL seal on the interface of the shop. Chetan and Vikram are working on the training content for the two professionals scheduled to arrive in the beginning of next week. Lots of positive energy in the office.
It is very tempting to compare ourselves with others. Very easy to fall into a trap of self pity. Hence it is extremely important for us to keep the focus on ourselves. All of us have our own race to run with a different set of starting and ending points. There cannot be any comparison.
The additional temporary limit extended by the bank has run its course and we are not sure if it can be extended for some more time. Bahut jhamela hai. Lots of unmanageability. Chaos. Financial and emotional. The Review Committee of AAI has not sat for a meeting as yet. Many clients are waiting for a decision on their files. And in the waiting process, our work has lost its value. Any decision in our country takes a long time. That is the worst part. The dis-respect for time. Kills everyone and everything.
Kuch bolne ko hai nahin. Its the same rigmarole. In fact we should stop jabbering. There is nothing new.
Maybe silence will express what words cannot.
‘To be silent’
I am losing it. I shouted at Appu last night. I was tired,exhausted, overworked. She said something and I just snapped. But that is no excuse. There can be no excuse. It was unacceptable behaviour and I need to step back and examine what is going on. I am mad. There is no doubt about it. And I am making everyone around me also mad. Maybe I need to be sent to an asylum. I will have to be careful lest my insanity hurts those closest to me. I have apologized to Appu but apologizing is never enough. If making amends were that easy, there would not be so many hurt people in this world creating more hurt.
My father called to ask about the status of Appu’s admission. I gave him an update but mostly, I feel irritated. I am not very clear as to the reason and source of my discomfort. Maybe it is because I feel it is mostly talk and talking is easy and cheap. However, I do need to remember that he did give some newspaper cuttings related to the ‘ admission guidelines’ and they did help us in locating the various colleges. Thank you papa. Maybe I do not really wish to see his care and concern beneath the lies and abandonment. God, this has always been a tricky area to traverse.
It seems that the entire team is working on the online shop. The energy and creativity levels are extremely high and the environment is infectious in a very positive way. It feels good. We have a core team. And that is the most important thing. The logo is being designed, the template of the interface is under discussion and the maps are also in process. So everything is IP (In Process). Being IP is a good sign. It means we are not dead, as yet. It may also mean that we are in the process of being more alive.
The truth and the untruth. The seer and the seen. The observer and the observed. It is all mixed up for me.
Ghar chal raha hai. Office bhi chal raha hai. Life is also moving at its own pace. I am the only one out of sync here.
There have been many losses along the way. emotional,financial and spiritual. Still taking stock. Still coming to terms with the losses. I just need to take a deep breath and be OK. It is OK now and it will be OK in the times to come. The worst is over. We will never be on the roads again.
The weekend is here. Thankfully. The phone will ring a little less. The rations for the office have to be bought but I guess that is manageable. Appu’s admission to college is the only issue looming large on the horizon. Ho jayega. As everything else.
Ankit was mentioning that he would look for ‘cheap and best’ solutions for the marketing of the online shop. And I told him that the two could never co-exist. What is best, could never come cheap and what came cheap could never be the best. Strange irony but that is how it is.
The distance between the nut and the gut is very small and yet very important. Sometimes an awareness exists in the gut for a long time before it travels to the nut. Hence, it is very important to listen to the gut.
The nut and the gut.
It is always difficult to differentiate between what each one is saying and what is correct.