I had a fight with Appu. No excuses. No explanations. I just snapped. Everything got too much. She is upset. So am I. Between the bills and the loans, there seems to be no place for any love to exist. I guess ‘sorry’ will not be enough this time round.
Chandrakant is in Mumbai today. For the collection of GCP’s. Hariom has nearly crossed the major obstacles in the software development for the maximum permissible height calculations using open source GIS. Gagan is trying the install the SSL seal on the interface of the shop. Chetan and Vikram are working on the training content for the two professionals scheduled to arrive in the beginning of next week. Lots of positive energy in the office.
It is very tempting to compare ourselves with others. Very easy to fall into a trap of self pity. Hence it is extremely important for us to keep the focus on ourselves. All of us have our own race to run with a different set of starting and ending points. There cannot be any comparison.
The additional temporary limit extended by the bank has run its course and we are not sure if it can be extended for some more time. Bahut jhamela hai. Lots of unmanageability. Chaos. Financial and emotional. The Review Committee of AAI has not sat for a meeting as yet. Many clients are waiting for a decision on their files. And in the waiting process, our work has lost its value. Any decision in our country takes a long time. That is the worst part. The dis-respect for time. Kills everyone and everything.
Kuch bolne ko hai nahin. Its the same rigmarole. In fact we should stop jabbering. There is nothing new.
Maybe silence will express what words cannot.
‘To be silent’
I am shouting and screaming. That means I am scared. Ok. Breathe. Its OK. Everything is alright. Everything is as it should be. The universe is taking care of everything and everyone. I am not responsible for the rotation of the earth. For the running of everyone’s life. And me and my daughter are also in safe hands. Don’t be scared. don’t be scared. Don’t be scared. We are safe. We are being taken care of. There is no need to shout. To try and control people or events. Be an observer. Just observe. Just watch.
Appu has left for Pune for a dance performance in a cultural fest with her group members. She was not too keen to go. I think she always worries that I will be left alone, not realizing that both of us are alone anyway. Both of us are living an ‘alone’ life in our own way. I am hoping that the performance goes well and that she has a good time. All the best Bebu.
Ashok is still upset with the arrogant behaviour of Hariom and Chandrakant. Kya kar sakte hain? I mean how can we change people’s attitude. I wish there was some way of judging and measuring the attitude of a person which is definitely not visible in any CV. And is certainly more important than any technical skill for creating success.
powerlessness. Surrender. Hands up. I can do nothing. HP, please take over.
Is my game up? Ho gaya bas? all that jazz about doing big things, about creating that one moment in life? What happened boss? Abhi phat rahi hai? Jaan nikal rahi hai?The reality is too hard to jump on? Sorry guys, my brain is just not centered at the moment. I just cannot look good or sound good at all.
Amma (our long time maid) is back with her nuisance and her controlling habits. Again an area to let go of. At least the lunch is assured. So there is an emotional and financial payoff. jhel lo.The weekend is here again. the weekly cleaning, repair,maintenance, rations. The good (??) times are here again. Smile. Atta, dal, chawal,bills. Smile again (I mean what else can we do!). And to top it my mobile has stopped working (Oh no!). dhandha kaise chalega? Hang in there buddy. You are so important. The clients will wait till your mobile gets repaired or you get a new one (you must be joking, right?)
I think I should stop writing. I am not making any sense (As if I make sense all the other days!). Its one of those days again. Bhenja is not in place. Need to get centered, anchored.
To get anchored.
Today is just one of those days. A day of ‘grief’. For all that did not work out. For all that was lost. From all that I had to walk away from. There is a sense of ‘tiredness’ from facing the consequences of ‘taking a stand’ all the time. Its like winning and losing. Its as if we have won and lost at the same time. What has been lost to win has been huge. In the process of surviving, we have died. There is this huge need to cry, that is if tears come.
This is also perhaps a day of ‘amends’. For my freind and batchmate ‘Mamta Anand’ who was killed by a man who claimed to love her. She had come to do M.Tech and I was in the final year of my B.tech. We became friends and she shared with me that she needed to move away from her boyfriend as he was very controlling and abusive. Once after spending a weekend with him, she came back early morning, scared to death. She shared that he had pointed a revolver to her head and threatened that if she did not obey him and stay with him, he would kill her. I took it very lightly. I believed that ‘love’ meant not hurting the one you loved. I was wrong. Then and many times again.He did kill her. By offering ‘laddus’ laced with arsenic on the occasion of ‘diwali’. The irony was that he had taken permission from his parents to meet her. He was the son of a sitting MP with a lot of political clout. Mamta’s father believed in ‘Gandhivaad’ and ‘non-violence’. He asked Mamta to be gentle with him even if she wanted to leave him and to give him time to get over her. That was a the biggest mistake he made. He apologized to his daughter but only after her death. And I could not even do that as I was part of the IIT system and the entire affair was hushed up. It would have been blasphemous to tarnish the name of IIT Kanpur, the most hallowed institution in the country. I was not allowed to meet her parents, attend her funeral or give testimony in court. And in all probability, her killer is now married and well settled.
I am sorry Mamta. I was myself too scared and without support at that point to take on the system. It is a flimsy excuse. But I hope to get another chance to be able to finish the unfinished task. And this time round I will not dither to take a stand.
Sandeep has nearly finished the survey and should be back soon. We have been able to pay the salaries on time this month. This is huge for us. A great milestone. The office space is decent. For once there is no immediate crisis on the horizon except in the house. Amma has become too arrogant to live with and I have to allow her to leave. The water purifier has conked off, a glass shelf in the refrigerator is broken and the gas as ususal is over. I am sure there is another endless list of pending jobs. Deep breath.
I will do just what I can today.
Back to the basics. And doing the next right thing.