Appu is back from Kashipur and is fed up of the constant ups and downs of GC. She is very desperately looking for a ‘normal normal’ life. And I have no idea what that would mean. Anymore.

The X-cart guys have integrated the payment gateway and we have moved to the testing phase. At least we have moved . The new online team consists of Omprakash, Sunita and Chandan. The aviation team has Ashok and Chandrakant. Enough to work like a laser beam.

Its difficult to be a leader. Even more difficult to create leaders. winners. It is so easy to be a loser and to create more of the same breed. Running the house and the office. A full time job. Feeling overworked and overstressed without any project in hand. Basically despite being unemployed. I think the stress is more because of dealing with people. And because of removing the unnecessary stuff in life.

Maybe we just need to stand still for a while. Get our bearings and direction right before moving ahead. Impatience and agitation will not help. We just need to do what we can for today.

Back to the basics.

The walkout group is becoming more vicious, abusive and malicious in its verbal and ‘e-mail’ attacks. Wonder what’s going on. They left on their own accord. They are choosing to live life on their own terms. Abhi kya panga hai? What is the problem? Maybe it is the lack of work in their life. The lack of any focus.

So all in all we are being attacked from all sides and from all possible quarters. Verbally, emotionally and otherwise. And Appu wanted to have a normal Diwali. No idea of what is ‘normal normal’ anymore. Mostly it is ‘crisis management’. Of some kind or the other.
The new team is gradually settling down and finding its way. It will take time but the process has begun. Askok stayed the night in the office to be able to explore the possibilities of the software engine we could use for our development purposes. Varun and OmPrakash are getting used to the idea of staying late.

Appu leaves for Pilani tommorrrow morning for her dance performance. I am very happy for her. she is very excited and I am sure that their team will do well.

I guess this is it for now. We are muddling along.
The term describes our state very well.

Muddling along.

The office was not opened till 10:00 am this morning. The guard had taken a half day leave and the keys were handed over to the housekeeping peon who works in the evening shift. He came to the office with the keys and did not know how to use them to open the glass door. Ajay, the manager (who should have managed) the crisis reached office only at 10: 15am. I was frantically making calls to the office after 9:00 am and nobody was picking up the phone. I had even called Ajay yesterday, i.e on a sunday to remind him that there could be a problem in the morning as the guard had taken off. I was assured that everything was under control. I was upset by the time Ajay reached office and I told him that with a senior profile like his, he should have taken more responsibility. That with a ‘manager’ on board, I could do without the tension of checking whether (and how) the office had been opened on time. bas ho gaya. The fragile male ego got punctured.

And then it was the worst possible show of all the male egos getting together to stage a walk out and quote, unquote ‘teach me a lesson’. At least, in this area, I have already learnt my lessons, guys. I can live alone, work alone and stand alone. It is OK. This is not the first time it has happened. They did not call me, inform me or say their goodbyes. The office became a picnic spot. They picked up their bags and left. Quite a manly thing to do, I must say. Just walk away. The ‘walk out guys’ have also enrolled Dimpi in their mission. She also refused to take my calls and most probably will not come back after her holiday. She was also not ‘woman’enough to talk to me. I am the ‘villain’ again. Bahut aadmiyon ke saath kaam kiya. Aadmi koi bhi nahin mila ( worked with a lot of men, did not find even one man amongst them). ek bhi nahin. Not even one with any balls.

The following have walked away unceremoniously from our office today : Anand Singh Rawat, Ajay Kumar Bhatia, Dimpi Nayak, Kamakhya Puri Kushwaha. Narendra Kumar Das had also left after reacting very badly on a trivial issue. I did not mention it earlier as I wanted a peaceful closure. I wish we could put them on a blacklist so that they do not cause harm to another company. But I guess that will have to wait. There are other more pressing and urgent issues to be handled here.

Ajay had worked earlier in an office automation office as an admin executive. I think the promotion to the level of a manager in an IT company was a heady cocktail of of ‘power and control’. jhel nahin paya. Same with Anand. Both were new entries to the IT sector. And could not deal with the freedom along with the responsibilities and of course ‘my gender’. I do not know about Kamakhya and Dimpi. maybe it was pre-planned. They were just waiting for the right moment (just after the salaries were dispersed). How opportunistic is that?

We have begun the process of taking interviews. Just that the training in the applications of aviation will have to be done again. The collective energy will have to be channelized again. par achha hai. A complete clean-up is good to build a better and stronger building. A complete virus scan so to say. No remnants of any virus strains. I think over the months there was this smugness in the technical team that they had learnt all that was required. That they were the best. And this ‘smugness’ was harming us. It was stopping us from learning and growing. So it is nice that we can start from a fresh and clean slate again with no skeletons in to bury. Sometimes relationships which are meant to end just end. And it is for the larger good of all concerned. Its just the way they are ended that makes it messy. And painful.

We will go forward. We will fight the remaining battle. As always. Even if the ‘we’ includes just ‘me and God’ as of now.

I do have one request for my HP. Give me the same brain, the same feelings, the same problems maybe but in case I need to re-visit the earth, please do not make me a ‘woman’.

Repeat:

‘Please do not make me a woman’.

Appu has registered me on some property sites and I keep getting messages about apartments being available (of course there is no money to even think about buying any of them). So, I keep deleting them. A few days back I got one mentioning a studio apartment being available with a view of the Himalayan range somewhere in Ranikhet. I mean that sounded nice. To have a small space where one could get up and get a spectacular view of the strength of the mountains every morning. I shared with Appu and her immediate reaction was ‘what God forsaken place you want to be in’? But that is the point. I wish to be in a place where God’s work is more and man’s is less. Anyway there is no money as of now and the whole discussion is pointless. Its just that no property has ever interested me so much as this one close to nature.

The work on the online shop is moving ( at a slow pace but nevertheless at least it is moving). We are still waiting for some data from the site in Chennai to be able to initiate work (dal roti ka sawal hai). One license for ArcGIS 10.0 has been installed and at least the Dell machine is operational for the technical team.

I have been shouting. Nothing new. But when has shouting evoked an attitude of excellence and commitment? Lunch continues to be served in the office. Continuity is important. To start anything is so easy. To keep it going is the tough part. To do it day after day. Everyday.

Another day. Look good. Look tough. Look successful. Look as if you have it all. Even if you are crumbling inside. Even if you are scared to face anyone and anything. Its a jungle out there. All that talk on human values sounds nice buddy but that is what it is ‘all talk’. What is real is ‘green’. The ‘green money’. If you have it, let’s talk.

Give me a break.
Anytime sweetheart. After the banks and the bills let you go!

As we are scaling up, there is stress within the team. The expectations from the team have increased and it is hard for them to match up to them. But as we grow, these pulls and strains are mandatory and hopefully they will only build our muscles and not tear us apart. Dimpi is leaving today and Shikha will need to handle the necessary rectifications,if at all, for the Rajasthan project. I am hoping that she will be able to handle the responsibility. We are nearly finished with the Hyderabad project and we have done QC many times over to avoid the probability of any error. We should be able to submit the report by the end of this week. Fingers crossed.

Appu is studying overnight for her exams. I wonder how she does it. I guess there is a lot of stress and I know that she is handling it alone. She knows that I am constantly worried and stressed about GC. I am very grateful to her that she handles so much on her own.

The gas cylinder has still not come in the house.The gas agency is as elusive as ever. And vegetables are needed in the office. And there are bills to be paid. of course. And instalments.And salaries.

I don’t feel like working today. Let us see. Will do what I can.

For today.

It has been a long haul and a long walk. Maybe I could rest for a while now. But there is ‘fear’. What if this is a passing phase? What if the lean times come back? ‘Fear’ has largely been the context in which we have operated and defined the content of our lives. Need to let go of it now. Its Ok. As Appu says, ‘breathe’. ‘Take it easy’. Everything is fine or will be fine.

Thanks to everyone who stood by us, believed in us and took a stand for us despite and inspite of. There are still loans to repay and debts to cover but there is hope and faith that we can do it.

We survived.

Outstanding acheivement requires taking outstanding risk. And taking outstanding risk always lies in the realm of men. My brother left his education mid way, broke all rules and did what he believed in because my parents were solidly behind him. They took a stand for him. No matter what he chose to do. He knew he was not alone, he knew he could chart new territories. He knew he had roots and a home to come back to, no matter what. I doubt if me and my sister could say the same. We followed the rules, we did housework, we studied and within the parameters set for us, we tried to be sucessful(that also meant that we had to keep the men in our lives even if it meant sacrificing our own). And the moment I stepped out of the set parameters, I was abandoned. By all. Much like the ‘unwanted Karna’. I can understand today how men ooze so much confidence while women appear to be ‘dithering’. The ‘men’ have the ‘family name’. They also have the ‘property’. And I guess ‘economics’ works in their favor. And it this ‘confidence’ which supports them in creating a world of their ‘choice’ whereas ‘women’ start from a premise of ‘doubt’. ‘Doubt’ in their capabilities, ‘doubt’ in their roots,’doubt’ in who will take a stand for them if they failed, ‘doubt’ if anyone actually cared whether they did something outstanding or ‘life-changing’.And ‘confidence; creates ‘success’. And ‘doubt’ creates ‘doubt’. So we have less women in the boardroom. Less women in the top echeleons of achievers. And even lesser who are able to do what they wish to do and succeed.

So the pre-birth sex tests should be legalized. Parents not wanting a girl child should not be forced to have one. It would be better to not allow a girl to take birth than to subject her to a lifetime of second class treatment and dis-respect and resentment in looking after her by people who are supposed to love her and take care of her. I am sure that many prostitutes would testify to have been forced into the trade by their own family. And how much more worse that act is than actual death.

There is a lot of studying to be done. And for once it is not for marks, percentages or accolades. It is to be able to tackle real problems for real clients and that is truly challenging. Narendra, Shiva ,Dimpi ,Kamakhya,Shikha and Himanshu (who is coping apart from not being able to get up on time) are rising to the occasion. There is no fear as we take on the various projects and get ready to move into the larger office. I think we are all mentally prepared to work harder (and smarter) and meet the extra overheads. Thank you guys (and gals).

And in our world of tall skyscrapers,nuclear power,instant money,instant messaging,instant sex, nothing succeeds like success.

I think it would be best to become  a hermit (and practice meditation and renunciation) or become this mafia don (doness , I hope this is the female version of don who gives two hoots to society and its rules bang with dark glasses and SUV’s and weapons in toto). No point living like a ‘Trishanku’ (hanging in mid-air,neither on the earth and nor in the sky). Unless of course GC becomes an MNC and generates enough ‘moolah’.

Ok. back to the basics. The ‘atta’ is over in the office. And the 3D module in GIS is still a mystery ( a lot of stuff in life remains a mystery). And I need to pick up Appu from her dance class. The small stuff. Its manageable. Its the emotional unknown world which is hugely unmanageable.

‘Unmanageability’

Have I mentioned this before? You bet.

The presentation for the AAI authorities is ready (after a lot of calculations, research and homework). We need to show the same for approval to the client tommorrow. I am very proud of Narendra for having done a good job. We had zero idea of how the guidelines from AAI were to be interpreted and applied in the area of aviation (using GIS) where every decimal place counts. But we did it. It was a challenge for us and I am glad that we are moving towards developing applications of GIS in a new sector (for us) namely ‘aviation’. Just digitization of maps is like working for our daily bread and butter. The challenge for the mind and the value add is always in the applications and I am very happy that GC has entered the world of applications. This was always our topline.

The bank (not again) is breathing down our back (Guys, please let us work. kaam karenge to paisa ayega). The landlord (the lord) of the office wants us out (actually everyone wants us out of their lives, I guess we are too much of a pain). ASAP. As soon as possible. There are lovely office spaces with not so lovely rates. So, I guess we have to settle for what we can afford.

Shivaji took a new number for his mobile and did not share it with me. I guess I bothered him too much with my late night calls. I normally close office around 9:30pm ( I come in late so it is not as if I put in so many hours) and that is when I remember a few tasks (done or undone) and call Shivaji up. I think he got fed up and took a new sim. OK. I felt hurt but got the message. Of all people, Dimpi knew the number and had been given strict instructions to not share it with me ( I was angry with her too). But I guess everyone cannot/will not think of GC 24/7 and I need to remember that. Just that in the last fortnight, it has been an uphill task to have any conversation with Shivaji beyond office hours. So I have now started using the e-mail as a mode of communication. Hope this works.

My father suggested a survey company In Kolkata for the Infrastructure client. In fact, he himself had started one when he was posted there for a long time. It was also then that he developed a relationship with a colleague. The saving grace was that he was honest about it with my mother and us. It did not last and both me and my sister hated him at that time for hurting our mother but in retrospect today, I guess there is no guarantee tag, no permanent security in any relationship. People change, grow in different directions, find better ( from their perspective) partners. It is best to allow people to leave, if they so choose, however painful it might be. The only exception here would be the parent-child relationship.
Appu has also sent me a list of survey companies in Kolkata. But most of them have quoted beyond the clients’ budget. And we were anyway not interested in taking the project due to the payment terms. So we have left it at that.

Cannot see too far ahead as yet. The visibility is very low. Have no idea whether we are heading for a landing or a crash on the runway (or whether we would be able to touch the earth at all). Just thinking of the next 12 hours or maybe the next four hours. And If I can survive those, then maybe I will think of the next four.

Still breathing.

I was daughter no. 2 and that in itself was a very unwanted scenario. And then, I was rebellious,different. So, I was always at loggerheads with my mother. My father was neither here nor there. He could never take a stand on any issue. Basically, he would agree that I had a point and then would promptly go back to saying that my mother was right and she wanted the best for me. So it was always a see saw. I never ‘felt’ I had a father figure in my life on whom I could depend and who would stand by me no matter what.

And later in life I realized that my mother wanted me to do a job, earn some money but beyond that she envisioned a purely traditional role for me with me obeying my husband, running the house efficiently ( I could never match up to her standards) and bringing up kids ( and definitely have a boy somehow). She would say that there was no gender bias in her mind but all her actions only reflected that. A lot of pujas were performed in our house so that my mother could be blessed with a baby boy and that is how my brother came in this world ( he is nine years younger to me). The gender bias was even more visible thereon.

So, when my marriage did not work out and I did not wish to do a conventional job, she was not willing to take a stand and put anything at stake. It was as if I was all alone in the choices I was making and that is how it has been for a very long time. The unsaid message was that if I could take up a regular job, be a normal married woman, she could deal with me and maybe gift me a few sarees now and then, maybe if she got very happy then even a piece of jewellery but nothing beyond that.

If I was looking at support to start my own work, emotionally or financially, it was unavailable.
If something was to be put at stake, she would back out. And also ask the other family members to stay away. So, over the years I have understood that She has been unwilling to participate in my mission to achieve my full potential. She was ok with me being her prototype but when I wanted to take more risk, to take on bigger challenges ( to step into a male dominated field), she was unavailable.

And that has taken its toll. On me. On my daughter.

I guess it is never easy to take a stand, more so for a daughter.