Dhoondhte reh jayoge. you will keep looking.
For care and concern, for truth, honesty and good work. Keep looking. All your life.
Everything is for sale buddy. Emotions,feelings,tears, products, illusions,dreams,humans. You should just have the capacity to buy. Have the money to pay the bill.
I guess I am getting old. That is why I am whining so much. Of course you are getting old sweetheart. The more real you get, the more old you will feel. Dreams and illusions are for the young. The closer you get to the earth’s surface, the more you begin to believe in the old rules and regulations, in the laws of the universe. in life and death. In the cycle of seasons.
The hardware in the office is OK. At least something is OK. The PC’s and softwares are all operational. We are just looking for beautiful intelligent minds to operate them and be their master. A very tough job. Still looking for leaders. Which in this country is rare. We are so conditioned to being slaves. to ourselves, to others.
Appu has not been feeling alright. With all the stress around, we are bound to fight. It has been a difficult week for both of us.
Sab kuch kharab hai. Par baki sab theek hai. If you know what I mean.
Keep searching. It is quite a job.
The phone has rung again. After the deadness of three months, there is some activity. There have been calls from one or two clients we thought we had lost. The New Year seems to be ushering in a new turn for us. emotionally, spiritually and workwise. The Hyderabad project is moving towards closure, although this is the toughest part in any project. A single error, one wrong move could cause us to lose the match. Just one wrong decision, one inaccurate judgement is all it takes to become a loser.
The GRC of AAI has finally been dissolved. I am sure this is a good decision which will lead to more transparency, responsibility and accountability in the processes being followed. The Ministry has moved and how. Good work guys. This decision has restored our faith to a large extent in the powers of the universe, in the basic goodness of humanity and all who have initiated this change. Hats off to you.
We have been broke. For quite some time now. A state which is not unfaniliar to me and Appu. However, it has extended for a while now and the stress is getting unbearable. But the Appellate Committee has been formed and the members are not against us or our work. Hopefully we will get a chance to present our work in person and that is a very healthy sign. Our days of penury should end soon and we are waiting and watching with bated breath. Fingers crossed for now. Since we have specialized in this field now, it would be difficult for us to begin specializing in some other sector, unless of course we can open a coffee shop somewhere, a thought which has crossed our minds with no action taken.
Appu has worked very hard to make the workshop scheduled for Jan 13 on ‘Time Management’ a success. It has been entirely her idea, her implementation that has brought about such a huge response for the event. In her own way, she has become a huge support system (and that too online!) for us, our work and way of life. Thank you bebu. Very much. You are the best.
I miss my parents. Sometimes. No, I should say that I miss being parented. Miss being a child. The awareness comes in waves which wash over me and completely overwhelm me. I think these feelings never go away. This wanting to be a child.
To be a child again.
I would like to invite God to stay with us for a while. After all why should he stay in the temples and mosques or churches all the time. I am sure he could get as lonely as us humans. And there is a lot of stress and strife here right now. So here is the invite: Dear God, it would be really nice if you could come over and stay with us for a while. We do not have to act with you or fake it or give you the turnovers or the money we make,/do not make, for you to like us. And that is huge. Because everybody around is measuring us with the number of cars, mobiles, houses, we have been, actually have not been able to buy. And so we would like to host you (what gall !) for a while. Of course we are not very spiritual and we think of money all the time so you will have to live with that. And we lie most of the times. Maybe you could change that. I am not sure because this is a learning of decades. To run after money and to lie. But you are welcome to try. We will resist and we will raise a hue and cry but you could still do your job. But seriously, more than anything, we need some peace in this house and our hearts.
Hyderabad project is on road. We are moving forward and that is huge. As long as we are inching forward. Appu is back from the trip and it was a good break for her.
Rest is the same. The bills are due (overdue). The rents are due (overdue). And we are on the battlefront (really, tell us something new).
The silence of the morning. I love it. the only few moments of silence we get. Before the running starts. The hustle bustle of the day. Moments I cherish very much. To be with myself. To have tea with God so to say, assuming he has accepted the invite.
An invite for God.
On my knees again. Multiple rock bottoms. Emotional. Financial.Spiritual.
Prayed for some answers. Some clarity. And the answers came. The fog cleared. But sometimes it is very painful to see everything so clearly. To see the events, to scan the relationships for what they are without the deception, without the story we weave around them, for our own benefit. The fog helps. The deception, the illusion helps us to stay continuously in a dream. When being face to face with reality could break us. So today has been that day. The brokenness is there. It is difficult to breathe, to be normal.
If I could just live today, tommorrow will take care of itself. The healing will happen in God’s time.
Appu has gone for a two day trip organized by her college. She definitely needed a break from the constant stress and strain. The rents( of the office and house) for this month are still pending. Anything new? No, its just good to have one’s feet on the surface of the earth. We have begun work on the Hyderabad project and hopefully we should gain momentum in the execution over the next week. A string of interviews with no good people in sight as yet. They have the degrees. yes, but the bascis are missing. the concepts are non-existent. A reflection of the state of our country’s education system.
‘Letting go’ is the only constant in our lives. We need to keep letting go of ego, things,relationships,people,places,events,the past.
Before we eventually let go of ‘life’ itself.
The biggest lesson never taught.
To let go.
Chandrakant has apologized and promised to not look for jobs in the office on naukri.com. This has been an achievement. To get people back. To let a relationship develop with all the mistakes and human follies. He has been welcomed back in the fold and since our bond has now been forged with fire, I am hoping that it will last for a longer time. The calculations done by us for a site in Hyderabad have been accepted for the approval of heights and that is a feather in a our cap. Good work by us. Hopefully, we will get more work by reference than by asking.
We do have an accountant now. And someone to manage the front desk. So we are gradually getting back in shape. Appu is getting ready for her dance performance in Siri Fort on Sunday. So there is a breather. A break from the constant stress so to say. Thank you HP (Higher Power). Thank you Universe.
Thank you for the food on our table, the roof over our head,
the fact that there is an office to go to, a maid to help,
Thank you for all that you have given to us, for all that you have not given to us
And for all that you have given and taken away.
There are differences within the team and it is extremely painful. What can one do about ego differences, about being right all the time? We sat in the office late in the night, trying to have a dialogue, trying to find a solution to an insurmountable problem. I do not know if we have succeeded. I do not know if we ever will. ‘Greatness’ is very hard to find. Most of us believe in ‘talking’ rather than ‘working’. It was an ego hassle which ultimately led to the partition of India. Ego hassle between Jinnah and Nehru maybe. That is how destructive it is and yet we are not able to let it go. Ladh lete hein. Let us fight and destroy each other. So we are not a team as yet. We are a few individuals trying to work separately, but under the same roof. Very devastating.
Appu is not well and I am not being able to give her the extra love and attention she needs. Amma is also not well so the cooking is up to me today (if the phone remains silent for a while). I wonder if I remember much of it. But again what has to be done has to be done. Maybe it will help bust the stress that has built up over the last few days (it has been months or years now). And just when one is dealing with all these seemingly urgent issues, there are these irritating mails about celebrating new years’ eve on the beaches of Goa. yaar, let us be. Saala yahaan jaan nikal rahi hai with the overload of bills and the disintegration of the team and all the travel agencies can talk about are the lovely time we could have on the beaches. Itna shauk hai to khud chale jaao apna paisa kharch karke. Leave us alone. Everything today is about marketing, marketing, marketing. Even when we are on our deathbed, we might just get a call promising us a safe stay in heaven or hell if we could get ourselves insured!
Nothing big on the horizon, as yet. Fingers crossed. As always. Struggle within and struggle without. The biggest battle is within ourselves. The biggest hurdle and challenge is ‘we’ ourselves. And yet we keep trying to prove to the world outside.
The awards, the accolades, the looking good.
And in the end,
Desperately looking for some goodness somewhere.
Some goodness somewhere.
There are rats in the office. And here we are trying to look corporate! And clean .That is the breaking news. Kuch to level honi chahiye news ki. But what is to be done. This is the most important icebreaker as the rats can eat the delicate wires of the plotter and the systems costing us huge amounts of money in repair. So we are currently focussing on being rhodent clean. Quite a mission, I must say.
Chandrakant has got a better ‘package’ from another company and he may decide to leave. Ok. At least he has been upfront and honest about it. The ‘packages’ are always a problem. There is always a better package, a better deal somewhere else or so it appears from the other side. Chandan has got a good grip of the online shop and hopefully now we will be able to move forward at a greater speed. The categories have been re-defined, the maps have been re-organized on the FTP and the payment gateway integration is in the testing stage. Itna time lagta hai? of course. Even a baby takes nine months to be born. Patience. Patience is the toughest thing. Ashok and Hariom have been able to achieve some breakthroughs in the web based application and that is commendable.
The office is being cleaned today. We are still serving three meals a day and we have also initiated the opening of bank accounts for all the team members. Also, saturdays are off for the technical team and I think these are some of the pluses that we can boast of apart from our challenging work environment. Still there are not many takers. ‘Work’ is under discussion and hopefully we should be able to close a project soon.
Appu is having her exams and is under stress. I am always under stress. So all is all there is a lot of stress. End of the month. Means the beginning of next month. Means the bills, the rents, the salaries. How quickly the month ends?
Rations, the bills, I cards, proposal, money, bank, installment, meeting, college, online shop, aloneness, being hated.
Could not go for a walk today. The keys to the office could not be located and I needed to rush with my set as the team members were standing outside. A lot of unmanageability and chaos. The guard is not well and he was extremely punctual in opening the office. So the morning was a time ‘for ‘crisis management’ again.
Appu is back from Kashipur and is fed up of the constant ups and downs of GC. She is very desperately looking for a ‘normal normal’ life. And I have no idea what that would mean. Anymore.
The X-cart guys have integrated the payment gateway and we have moved to the testing phase. At least we have moved . The new online team consists of Omprakash, Sunita and Chandan. The aviation team has Ashok and Chandrakant. Enough to work like a laser beam.
Its difficult to be a leader. Even more difficult to create leaders. winners. It is so easy to be a loser and to create more of the same breed. Running the house and the office. A full time job. Feeling overworked and overstressed without any project in hand. Basically despite being unemployed. I think the stress is more because of dealing with people. And because of removing the unnecessary stuff in life.
Maybe we just need to stand still for a while. Get our bearings and direction right before moving ahead. Impatience and agitation will not help. We just need to do what we can for today.
Back to the basics.