Tag: stress

And the huge gap

Kuch waqt nahin mila. Kuch man nahi kiya.

To keep the office and house running is in itself a herculean task. Sometimes there is no water, sometimes there is no electricity and sometimes the net is not working. When the admin issues have been resolved, the team is not motivated enough to deliver their best. And all this in an environment where ‘ excellence’ means nothing.  Where ‘striving’ is not an attitude. Where everything is about money and a ‘chalta hai’ attitude.

The display of emotions in the form of objects, even human beings in the malls, the constant blaring of advertisements on the radio trying to sell something, the full page print ads in the newspapers, the constant screaming and screeching to persuade us to buy something, anything, is deafening. The eyes, ears and senses are all saturated with noise. If you can buy, you are something. if you cannot, you are nothing. Yeh kaunse upanishad se aayee hai definition? Of ‘beingness’ and ‘nothingness’? The amount of money defines our net worth in the family, society, country and world at large. Let us all run for money.

The office needs to be vacated. And both me and Appu are very stressed about it. There are projects which need to be finished before the move is made. More stress. And most members of the team need a break. Kya combination hai. The Appellate Body of AAI is not meeting to discuss the various cases for enhanced height clearance and the clients are getting into a panic mode. How can we tell them that we are as powerless as they themselves, maybe more so as they have at least M & M ( Money and Muscle power) at their disposal. Handover kar do bhaiyya. Yeh desh aise hi chalta hai. Let go and let God.

Wish to stop for a while and check the lat-long. Is this where we want to be? With so much of fakeness around? With so much of materialism? And where are the leaders? Where are the revolutionaries?

Yes, there is a certain tiredness of the spirit and the soul. We are paying our bills but that is not sufficient food for the soul. There is an emptiness of the spirit which cannot be filled by outside stuff.

The inside vs the outside.

And the huge gap.



Finally have a few moments to write. Finally there are a few moments of peace. Of silence. The phone is not ringing (Thank God!). There is water in the office and the house. Most of the bills for this month have been paid. There is work and we are in the midst of completing three projects. Can you imagine that? From ‘No work’ to ‘some work’ to ‘so much work’! Unbelievable. But so much stuff in our lives is unbelievable.

Have not slept well for the past two months. There has been too much work, too much stress. Ditto for Appu. The admin issues, the team creation, the execution and completion of projects has taken up all the space in our lives. There is nothing left for anything else. No time, no energy to do anything apart from work. Our relationship is getting affected with this overload and yet I have no solutions, no alternative path as of now. It is just like a one way street with no end in sight. We are following a gruelling routine and there is no exit route.

There is no time to go for long walks in the park. No time to do normal things. To cook for Appu. To be with her. To be normal. Running GC has become a juggrenaut which has taken up all the space in our lives. And living in a city like Delhi is a very tiring task in itself. There are too many people, too many cars, too many masks, too many ambitions and too many male egos to tackle. Being a common man does not help at all. Being a woman on top of it is a complete disaster. We keep talking about the physical rapes happening in the city. What about the mental and emotional rapes happening in our own homes and offices all the time? What about them? The court metes out punishment based on what is written on the papers. What about the unwritten committments? The unwriitten committment when we take on a project or have a child or make love? Are we not supposed to follow it through till the end? And will it not be a crime to abandon the project, child or relationship midway?? Which court in the land can punish such crimes? It is so ironic. The biggest crimes are unpunished. And we keep fighting for money, property and all the other unnecessary stuff in courts. Ladte raho bhaiyya. Keep fighting. keep shouting. For all the wrong reasons. At all the wrong places. The Gods above must be in despair.

Mask utar lo bhai. Let us show our real faces to the world. Let us not be  poor in thought or action.

We have a team. A well paid one. For once we are capable of offering high remuneration to our technical team and we are very happy about it. It definitely takes us out of the realm of just earning dal roti or of meeting our basic needs and from being a part of the ‘aloo pyaaz ki GIS mandi’. We are doing good work. We are earning good money and we are very very grateful. To our Higher Power for this abundance in our lives today.

Thank you HP.



To keep walking

Money, time, self- respect.

Take your pick. Cannot have all at the same moment in time and space. One at the cost of the other. That’s the deal. Good or bad. All of them are mutually exclusive. Cannot co-exist.

The projects in hand are very challenging and require a great amount of precision and accuracy. Therefore working throught the nights has become the norm rather than the exception for us.  Interviews, court case, bills, water, AC repair, atta, dal, chawal for the office- the regular drill. Two GIS candidates joining us tommorrow. Fingers crossed. Will they be able to perform? To deliver? To sustain the pressure of giving a good performance. So many times we have hoped. Against hopes. That amongst the vast sea of applications, we would be able to find one winner. One leader. No success so far.

Appu has been experiencing severe anxiety attacks for the past  few weeks. The added stress of the office is too much for her to handle. Living alone (Since I am in office entire nights) and contributing in running the house is in itself a huge job for her. A lot of unmanageability in many areas of our lives. Mostly of time now. And delivering good work. The money, though not too much is enough for us to break even. To pay the monthly bills.

The plants in the office are dying. Its difficult to keep human beings alive. Abhi plants ko kaise bachayen? They need water which is just not available. And care. And attention. All difficult commodities in today’s time and age. Unless the plants produce some direct  tangible profits like in airports, five star hotels where they are part of the decor, part of the package, a necessary accessory which contributes to revenues. Everything, every relationship today is a function of economics, of the revenue that can be generated out of it.

Our work is being accepted by AAI now. Huge leap of faith. Quite a milestone in our career. The software development project has been in cold storage for a while and it is a painful matter but we have not yet given up on the dream. One day. Ek din. We will finish and launch the project.

There is the noise of criticism all around. It affects us less now.

The magic is to keep walking. Regardless.

To keep walking.

The search

Dhoondhte reh jayoge. you will keep looking.

For care and concern, for truth, honesty and good work. Keep looking. All your life.

Everything is for sale buddy. Emotions,feelings,tears, products, illusions,dreams,humans. You should just have the capacity to buy. Have the money to pay the bill.

I guess I am getting old. That is why I am whining so much. Of course you are getting old sweetheart. The more real you get, the more old you will feel. Dreams and illusions are for the young.  The closer you get to the earth’s surface, the more you begin to believe in the old rules and regulations, in the laws of the universe. in life and death. In the cycle of seasons.

The hardware in the office is OK. At least something is OK.  The PC’s and softwares are all operational. We are just looking for beautiful intelligent minds to operate them and be their master. A very tough job. Still looking for leaders. Which in this country is rare. We are so conditioned to being slaves. to ourselves, to others.

Appu has not been feeling alright. With all the stress around, we are bound to fight. It has been a difficult week for both of us.

Sab kuch kharab hai. Par baki sab theek hai. If you know what I mean.

Keep looking.

Keep searching. It is quite a job.

The search.

To be a child again

The phone has rung again. After the deadness of three months, there is some activity. There have been calls from one or two clients we thought we had lost.  The New Year seems to be ushering in a new turn for us. emotionally, spiritually and workwise. The Hyderabad project is moving towards closure, although this is the toughest part in any project. A single error, one wrong move could cause us to lose the match. Just one wrong decision, one inaccurate judgement is all it takes to become a loser.

The GRC of AAI has finally been dissolved. I am sure this is a good decision which will lead to more transparency, responsibility and accountability in the processes being followed. The Ministry has moved and how. Good work guys. This decision has restored our faith to a large extent in the powers of the universe, in the basic goodness of humanity and all who have  initiated this change. Hats off to you.

We have been broke. For quite some time now. A state which is not unfaniliar to me and Appu. However, it has extended for a while now and the stress is getting unbearable. But the Appellate Committee has been formed and the members are not against us or our work. Hopefully we will get a chance to present our work in person and that is a very healthy sign. Our days of penury should end soon and we are waiting and watching with bated breath. Fingers crossed for now. Since we have specialized in this field now, it would be difficult for us to begin specializing in some other sector, unless of course we can open a coffee shop somewhere, a thought which has crossed our minds with no action taken.

Appu has worked very hard to make the workshop scheduled for Jan 13 on ‘Time Management’ a success. It has been entirely her idea, her implementation that has brought about such a huge response for the event. In her own way, she has become a huge support system (and that too online!) for us, our work and way of life. Thank you bebu. Very much. You are the best.

I miss my parents. Sometimes. No, I should say that I miss being parented. Miss being a child. The awareness comes in waves which wash over me and completely overwhelm me. I think these feelings never go away. This wanting to be a child.

To be a child again.

Invite for God

I would like to invite God to stay with us for a while. After all why should he stay in the temples and mosques or churches all the time. I am sure he could get as lonely as us humans. And there is a lot of stress and strife here right now. So here is the invite: Dear God, it would be really nice if you could come over and stay with us for a while. We do not have to act with you or fake it or give you the turnovers or the money we make,/do not make, for you to like us. And that is huge. Because everybody around is measuring us with the number of cars, mobiles, houses, we have been, actually have not been able to buy.  And so we would like to host you (what gall !) for a while. Of course we are not very spiritual and we think of money all the time so you will have to live with that. And we lie most of the times. Maybe you could change that. I am not sure because this is a learning of decades. To run after money and to lie. But you are welcome to try. We will resist and we will raise a hue and cry but you could still do your job. But seriously, more than anything, we need some peace in this house and our hearts.

Hyderabad project is on road. We are moving forward and that is huge. As long as we are inching forward. Appu is back from the trip and it was a good break for her.

Rest is the same. The bills are due (overdue). The rents are due (overdue). And we are on the battlefront (really, tell us something new).

The silence of the morning. I love it. the only few moments of silence we get. Before the running starts. The hustle bustle of the day. Moments I cherish very much. To be with myself. To have tea with God so to say, assuming he has accepted the invite.

An invite for God.

‘To let go’

On my knees again. Multiple rock bottoms. Emotional. Financial.Spiritual.

Prayed for some answers. Some clarity. And the answers came. The fog cleared. But sometimes it is very painful to see everything so clearly. To see the events, to scan the relationships for what they are without the deception, without the story we weave around them, for our own benefit. The fog helps. The deception, the illusion helps us to stay continuously in a dream. When being face to face with reality could break us. So today has been that day. The brokenness is there. It is difficult to breathe, to be normal.

If I could just live today, tommorrow will take care of itself.  The healing will happen in God’s time.

Appu has gone for a two day trip organized by her college. She definitely needed a break from the constant stress and strain. The rents( of the office and house) for this month are still pending. Anything new? No, its just good to have one’s feet on the surface of the earth. We have begun work on the Hyderabad project and hopefully we should gain momentum in the execution over the next week. A string of interviews with no good people in sight as yet. They have the degrees. yes, but the bascis are missing. the concepts are non-existent. A reflection of the state of our country’s education system.

‘Letting go’ is the only constant in our lives. We need to keep letting go of ego, things,relationships,people,places,events,the past.

Before we eventually let go of ‘life’ itself.

The biggest lesson never taught.

To let go.

‘The story’

Running against time. Or running against money. Time and Money. Both are tough currencies. And somehow both cannot co-exist. If you have time, you cannot have enough money and you if you have money, you cannot have time. Take your pick.
For the last fortnight, have only been able to sleep for two to three hours as I have been attending a course related to the field of aviation. And I must say that I have had to drag myself to the classes and have also sleepwalked through many lectures. This just when I had begun thinking that the ‘studying phase’ was over in my life and now I was in this constant phase of ‘money-making’. It was a good re-beginning of my education and despite the difficulties, it has been a good decision.
Time is becoming a major issue ( paisa bhi issue tha, abhi time bhi issue hai!). We work during the day. And we work during the night.

Appu has missed many classes as she waits for me to return from the office which is now usually after 3:00am or 4:00am or even in the morning. My schedule is affecting her life in many ways and I am very upset about it. Except that I have no solution. Every project submission means nights in the office. She is also suffering from migraine and we have not been able to go to a doctor. As yet. This is the downnside of being an enterpreneur. The huge hidden costs the family members have to pay. Kya bol sakte hain. ‘living’, more often than not is tougher than ‘dying’.

I may not be appreciated. But our work is definitely being noticed and that is the significant part of the story.
The rest is unimportant. The team members leaving, the late nights, the stress, the past, the future.

‘The story’.


Chandrakant has apologized and promised to not look for jobs in the office on naukri.com. This has been  an achievement. To get people back. To let a relationship develop with all the mistakes and human follies. He has been welcomed back in the fold and since our bond has now been forged with fire, I am hoping that it will last for a longer time. The calculations done by us for a site in Hyderabad have been accepted for the approval of heights and that is a feather in a our cap. Good work by us. Hopefully, we will get more work by reference than by asking.

We do have an accountant now. And someone to manage the front desk. So we are gradually getting back in shape. Appu is getting ready for her dance performance in Siri Fort on Sunday. So there is a breather. A break from the constant stress so to say. Thank you HP (Higher Power). Thank you Universe.

Thank you for the food on our table, the roof over our head,

the fact that there is an office to go to, a maid to help,

Thank you for all that you have given to us, for all that you have not given to us

And for all that you have given and taken away.


‘Some goodness somewhere’

There are differences within the team and it is extremely painful. What can one do about ego differences, about being right all the time? We sat in the office late in the night, trying to have a dialogue, trying to find a solution to an insurmountable problem. I do not know if we have succeeded. I do not know if we ever will. ‘Greatness’ is very hard to find. Most of us believe in ‘talking’ rather than ‘working’. It was an ego hassle which ultimately led to the partition of India. Ego hassle between Jinnah and Nehru maybe. That is how destructive it is and yet we are not able to let it go. Ladh lete hein. Let us fight and destroy each other. So we are not a team as yet. We are a few individuals trying to work separately, but under the same roof. Very devastating.

Appu is not well and I am not being able to give her the extra love and attention she needs. Amma is also not well so the cooking is up to me today (if the phone remains silent for a while). I wonder if I remember much of it. But again what has to be done has to be done. Maybe it will help bust the stress that has built up over the last few days (it has been months or years now). And just when one is dealing with all these seemingly urgent issues, there are these irritating mails about celebrating new years’ eve on the beaches of Goa. yaar, let us be. Saala yahaan jaan nikal rahi hai with the overload of bills and the disintegration of the team and all the travel agencies can talk about are the lovely time we could have on the beaches. Itna shauk hai to khud chale jaao apna paisa kharch karke. Leave us alone. Everything today is about marketing, marketing, marketing. Even when we are on our deathbed, we might just get a call promising us a safe stay in heaven or hell if we could get ourselves insured!

Nothing big on the horizon, as yet. Fingers crossed. As always. Struggle within and struggle without. The biggest battle is within ourselves. The biggest hurdle and challenge is ‘we’ ourselves. And yet we keep trying to prove to the world outside.

The awards, the accolades, the looking good.

And in the end,
Desperately looking for some goodness somewhere.

Some goodness somewhere.


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