On behalf of Global Coordinates, I would like to thank Adam and Paul of webschematic for doing a stupendous job of creating our site and hosting it for so many years. We would also like to wish them great success in their chosen paths. Thank you Adam. And thank you Paul for the smooth handover of the sites without major hiccups and for being there for us unconditionally.

Chandan, Ritesh and Altaf have left. They could not take the pressure of gettting the online shop up and moving anymore. They have quit midway. Altaf anyway came in after desperate attempts to get a job. After having one, he could not value it. Ritesh had just begun moving on the learning curve. Maybe the effort required to be a winner was too much for him (notwithstanding his IIT tag). All the best guys. Maybe freedom and responsibility is not your cup of tea.

Queries for training. For forming a consortium for a tender. Good signs. But we need more than just signs. More than just opportunities. We need to win the race.

Theree steps forward. Two steps backward. Or maybe four.

The same dance. One two three. One two three.

Time to try a new choreography.

So much of hue and cry over the outward manifestation of ‘corruption’. The ‘bribes’, ‘commissions’. ‘paybacks’ are all symptoms of a deeper malaise. The ‘corruption’ exists in our minds. Uski surgery kaise karoge? The ‘media’ selling ‘soft porn’, projecting the possession of latest gizmos as the only sign of success’ ,apart from of course a beautiful girl hanging on your shoulders. Everyone would want to look good, to look successful and what could be a quicker way to achieve that than ‘getting easy money and quickly’. Go below the surface. The disease is of ‘wanting more and more’. The root cause is not corruption. The root cause is ‘greed’, is in wanting ‘to look good’, ‘to be on the fast track for name.fame,money,power’.

The team is still here. No one has quit. Till now. Achhi baat hai. Quite an achievement in itself. Hariom has committed to reading the guidelines. So has Chandrakant, I hope. Ritesh and Chandan are busy with the online shop and the payment gateway integration. The UK company hosting our sites is shutting down. So we need to very quickly transfer the sites to another hosting company before the 9th. Another crisis situation. Jhel lo bhaiyya. ‘Crisis’ is familiar. Being in ‘crisis’ is like being in a ‘comfort zone’. And being in ‘comfort zone’ would be like being in a ‘crisis’, being ‘uncomfortable’. Ulta chakkar hai.

The rations have been bought. Appu is not well. The bills are pouring in and the clients are not responding. They are still in celebration mode and ushering in the New Year. Ho gaya bhai. The New Year has arrived and so have the bills. Let us get back to work. Cake ho gaya, daaru ho gayi, party ho gayi. Its over. I mean the party time. At least for us.

I need a break. No I think I need a smoke. No, that would only increase the expenditure and where is the turnover to support that?

Maybe I should just keep quiet, let the world go about its business, let the earth rotate and just be.

From being a monster to being a saint. Sounds good.

From a monster to a saint.

A metamorphosis.

And this loss triggered the memories of all the losses and abandonment experienced in the past years before and during the set up of this company. It was traumatic. And appu also got affected. Since the drama unfolded on friday evening, I was not able to work with the technical team till about 11:00 pm in the night. We began work and discussions only after that and hence the work continued till early morning on Saturday. Appu spent the night alone in the house just like in the days when the Meerut project was going on and I was in the office for many nights. We keep wondering if a time will ever come when there will be no crisis in GC and we can live in peace.

Balmiki is currently handling the Admin and hardware. The online shop continues to be in limbo. Ashok is still struggling with the set up and installation files for the first software module. So everything is in IP (In process). There is a lot of pain. Many people have tried to damage us, directly or indirectly. It saddens me. We have never tried to cause damage to anyone. And yet we are always in the firing line.

I went to attend an NA meeting last evening. But I am not being able to share. Not being able to connect to HP. Not being able to pray. Maybe just getting down on my knees will work. I wonder how God continues to have faith in mankind when we ourselves have so little faith in each other. The worst crimes on this earth have been committed by men against men.

It is a Sunday and I am trying to seek some solace from the sound of the falling rain. We need a lot of prayers to get through this phase.I guess Nigambodh ghat would be a welcome resting place compared to the rest of the world.

A resting place. Desperately need one.

And the woman who goes out there to stand on her own with dignity is left alone, even by her own family of origin. And the rest of the women and men in the so called social network, label her ambitious, of loose character and what have you. Amazing. Awesome. And of course the vulnerabilty to abuse increases. The woman who ventures to compete is more open to abuse than other women, be it sexual, emotional or financial.

A lot of work is pending in the house and office. Am just gearing up mentally to tackle the most important ones. Had to ask the maid to leave after she took uninformed leave. Drawing boundaries is always tough. There are always consequences to pay. But then there is no other way to live. Living withour self respect would be worse.

Having ‘a back’ is so important I guess. Sons always have it. Their fathers, the property of the family, the social importance, its all there. Its the women who lack ‘a back’. Specially if the men responsible to be ‘their back’ refuse, are unwilling or incapable of doing it. The real culprits in my opinion are the parents. If parents do not want a girl, they should go in for ‘female foeticide’. Kar lo yaar. At least another life will not be abused. Kill the origin. The damage is much greater when its too late in the day and the same life is gasping for support and dignity. We can save a ‘female foetus’ but can we ensure a ‘ safe life with dignity’? We always end up only looking at the tip of the iceberg. Hence all the problems remain. They not only remain, they multiply. So what is to be done. Make more laws, more courts, more judges, more chaos. With no change in ‘attitude’ or ‘thoughts’ or ‘beingness’. No wonder that nothing really changes.

Its one of those days. I am angry.

All for ‘a back’.

The bank, the bills, the salaries. All are here to stay (of course). Appu’s exams begin from tommorrow. We have finished the Gurgaon project and the Chennai work is on its way to completion. We have yet to clear the adhoc limit sanctioned by the bank and the service tax also needs to be paid. Can’t one just live. just be. Just breathe without the system, the rules, the regulations, the pressure to ‘do’. ‘to perform’ so to say.

I guess, we should be OK for a month. That is huge. we were earlier talking in terms of hours and days. The catch is that people think we have become big (bigger than what we were) and that is not true at all. We are just safer than we were in terms of our bread and butter. But since everyone just looks at the ‘outside’, there is absolutely nothing to be done. So we are appearing to be ‘successful’ (compared to when we were on the verge of being thrown out by the landlord). But ‘success’ is a very relative and fleeting term in this world.

So here we are. The ‘underdogs’.
Are we trying to prove a point? No. It has already been made.

Back off.

In place of ‘trying to live’, allow us to just ‘live’.

The real versus the fantasy,
what it takes to survive is not worth it,
what is worth having is lost in the process to survive.

There are spaces to eat, to look good, to fake it,
No space to scream,to grieve,to cry,to be.

If the world is a such a nice place to prove ones’ success,
why are women being stripped for money,
why are bribes being given and taken,
why are the caretakers of power misusing it and abusing the very people who have given them the power,
Why is there so much loneliness even in relationships,families,crowds,
Why are kids being abandoned on the streets.
why is the gap between the rich and poor so huge.

So many questions. No answers.
Life doesn’t give a damn anyway.

We are crying and laughing all at the same time.

Narendra will complete one year on December 28, 2010 and that is huge. I mean in this company even one month is huge. One year is like a decade (with all our crisis situations). I think the next in line is Shiva who will complete 8 months followed very closely by Dimpi with 7 months (I may be wrong).

We have jointly decided not to bid for the empanelment in Rajasthan. No point looking for ‘bread’ in a ‘hardware’ store. We get the government we choose. The JDA will get the consultants they deserve. At the cost of being brash, I do believe we are too good for them. Maybe they need mediocre guys who will bend and do what they wish. Maybe they need slaves, not technocrats. So we will not participate. ‘Slavery’. The legacy of the ‘British Raj’. Continues to harm us in all spheres, specially where there is ‘bureaucracy’. Sometimes walking away at the right moment is ‘winning’. And we are choosing to do just that.

‘Politics’ and ‘Bureaucracy’. The process involved in both ensures that good deserving people do not wish to participate. To fight a ‘monster’ one cannot become a ‘monster’.

Our ‘talent’ is being appreciated. I wish my parents could be a part of it. I wish they could see me as I am. I wish they could see the effort beyond the ‘debts’,'loans’ and apparent ‘lack of wealth’,'success’ in our lives. Its the ‘trying’, its the ‘walking the path’, its the ‘effort to build a clean and good life’ which is beautiful.

Regardless of the outcome.

It is very strange that when my time on this earths’ surface is nearly over and it is time to depart, I have just ‘arrived’ in terms of this world. Our work is being appreciated and we are bing paid (wonder of wonders) without begging. Or is it that we only appreciate people when they are gone? God knows. Actually God knows a lot and I have been thinking of inviting God over for a cup of tea with me in the morning. I could do with some company and chatting over my morning cup of tea. And there are too many questions I need to ask.

There were two presentations yesterday and despite the high fever I was running, they went off well and hopefully the clients will get what they want in terms of ‘heights’ for their building. I am glad that our work is making a difference in peoples’ lives even if it is as mundane as getting ‘ enhanced heights’.

We need quilts in the house and maybe bathroom slippers (never realized that we had run out of them and keep looking for the single pair (me and Appu are sharing) and socks and I guess that is where I need to stop. We have not shopped in years beyond the bare basics and I am sure the list would be endless. Point taken. will have to do the needful this weekend. Its getting cold.

The team is also feeling the pressure of the increased workload. But I am sure we will see it through. They are all used to the pressure and crisis situations in GC. The training has been transferred to Sandeep and Shikha including the Rajasthan work. We realized that the project was going to take longer than predicted (mainly due to the slow responses and approvals needed from the client, of course the penalty for the delay will be on us, that is how this country works). Narendra, Dimpi and Kamakhya will assist with the ‘aviation’ work. Himanshu will be a prop for Sandeep and Shikha till they gain the required momentum for Rajasthan. And shiva is focussing on getting the new office space ready. And of course I am the jack of all.

Being honest is such a simple thing. people hate us for it. Some are scared of associating with us. Some are downright angry. Kya kar sakte hai? This is who we are. It took us so many years to walk this path. Cannot leave it now.

We are just being who we are. with our failures and success, poverty and wealth, with our aloneness and togetherness, with our beingness and havingness.

Let us be.

Outstanding acheivement requires taking outstanding risk. And taking outstanding risk always lies in the realm of men. My brother left his education mid way, broke all rules and did what he believed in because my parents were solidly behind him. They took a stand for him. No matter what he chose to do. He knew he was not alone, he knew he could chart new territories. He knew he had roots and a home to come back to, no matter what. I doubt if me and my sister could say the same. We followed the rules, we did housework, we studied and within the parameters set for us, we tried to be sucessful(that also meant that we had to keep the men in our lives even if it meant sacrificing our own). And the moment I stepped out of the set parameters, I was abandoned. By all. Much like the ‘unwanted Karna’. I can understand today how men ooze so much confidence while women appear to be ‘dithering’. The ‘men’ have the ‘family name’. They also have the ‘property’. And I guess ‘economics’ works in their favor. And it this ‘confidence’ which supports them in creating a world of their ‘choice’ whereas ‘women’ start from a premise of ‘doubt’. ‘Doubt’ in their capabilities, ‘doubt’ in their roots,’doubt’ in who will take a stand for them if they failed, ‘doubt’ if anyone actually cared whether they did something outstanding or ‘life-changing’.And ‘confidence; creates ‘success’. And ‘doubt’ creates ‘doubt’. So we have less women in the boardroom. Less women in the top echeleons of achievers. And even lesser who are able to do what they wish to do and succeed.

So the pre-birth sex tests should be legalized. Parents not wanting a girl child should not be forced to have one. It would be better to not allow a girl to take birth than to subject her to a lifetime of second class treatment and dis-respect and resentment in looking after her by people who are supposed to love her and take care of her. I am sure that many prostitutes would testify to have been forced into the trade by their own family. And how much more worse that act is than actual death.

There is a lot of studying to be done. And for once it is not for marks, percentages or accolades. It is to be able to tackle real problems for real clients and that is truly challenging. Narendra, Shiva ,Dimpi ,Kamakhya,Shikha and Himanshu (who is coping apart from not being able to get up on time) are rising to the occasion. There is no fear as we take on the various projects and get ready to move into the larger office. I think we are all mentally prepared to work harder (and smarter) and meet the extra overheads. Thank you guys (and gals).

And in our world of tall skyscrapers,nuclear power,instant money,instant messaging,instant sex, nothing succeeds like success.

I think it would be best to become  a hermit (and practice meditation and renunciation) or become this mafia don (doness , I hope this is the female version of don who gives two hoots to society and its rules bang with dark glasses and SUV’s and weapons in toto). No point living like a ‘Trishanku’ (hanging in mid-air,neither on the earth and nor in the sky). Unless of course GC becomes an MNC and generates enough ‘moolah’.

Ok. back to the basics. The ‘atta’ is over in the office. And the 3D module in GIS is still a mystery ( a lot of stuff in life remains a mystery). And I need to pick up Appu from her dance class. The small stuff. Its manageable. Its the emotional unknown world which is hugely unmanageable.

‘Unmanageability’

Have I mentioned this before? You bet.

Sometimes the truth is a lie,
while the lie is the truth,
sometimes words are louder than actions,
sometimes actions are louder than words,
sometimes love is hatred while hatred is love.

Sometimes the poverty of the soul is wealth of the body,
sometimes a wealthy soul means poverty in the world.

sometimes the fearful are brave and the brave are cowards,
sometimes what is real appears fake and what is fake appears to be real.
sometimes a man in body is not truly a man in spirit,
and a man in spirit does not appear to be a man in body.

sometimes words are more lethal than weapons,
sometimes weapons are useless in front of a fearless spirit.
sometimes a woman is looked upon as a goddess,
sometimes the same woman is looked upon as a prostitute.

The fakeness, the appearances, the drama, the conniving,the lust for power and property and sex.
and yet we live in this world, hoping to find happiness,recognition,success.

There is still time left on this earth.

Let’s keep trying.