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Tag: survived

Huge battle won

A pause. A break. Much needed. From the daily chaos of life. From the constant wear and tear of living. From the politics of survival. Survival of the fittest.

We have a CA and we have a core team. Quite a miracle I must say. Actually we are alive, that in itself is a miracle. We could have died in many ways: financially, emotionally, physically. Maybe large parts of us have died. But there is yet some life. There is a glimmer of hope. And hope is everything.

The past few weeks have been extremely hectic. Of course the doors of AAI have closed on us. But we have taken the time to educate ourselves further to understand the Approach Plates and other navigation aspects of aviation. And for the first time, we are learining for the sake of learning. Not for marks, not for money ( ok maybe it exists somewhere on the faraway horizon of our mind because of the constant bills)), not for accolades or fame. A huge shift in our understanding of ‘knowledge for the sake of knowledge’.

I am tired. Quite tired actually. So today the effort is to take a break. From calls, from work, from learning. To be silent for a while. Inside and outside. Appu has taken a scooter on installments and she has promised to give me a ride in the evening. I am looking forward to it. It is quite a job to run the pantry in the office. And the house. So Ashok and Vikas have taken over the responsibility in the office for now. Thank you guys. And Appu has taken the responsibility for running the house. What better gift than to be relieved of all the responsibilities. Thank you bebzer.

We do not own property. And we do not have a spectacular turnover. So I really do not know if we have achieved anything as per the standards of the outside world. But we have ensured that every member of our team is a leader.
We have made an effort to learn something everyday and to be better than yesterday, everyday. And we have survived with our self respect intact.

And that has been a huge battle won.

‘The last call’

My father visited us last evening. Me and Appu were happy to see him. It had been a long time. Just that he mentioned that my brothers’ turnover had crossed 8 crores and that my sister was receiving rent from her two houses apart from a very good salary from the government job that she holds. All in all, meaning that compared to them we were like BPL, below poverty line. Theek hai. Its OK. We are alive. We have survived. Should be enough for us.

Later in the night he shared how he was afraid to visit us. Afraid that we might reject him. It is sad. A father scared of visiting his daughter. What is there to say? I did not know I was so scary. Maybe I have grown some horns or a few thorns here and there.

I do not know how long is the walk,
I do not know whether there is any miracle waiting for us at the end,
Or if the end just lies in Nigambodh Ghat,
I do not know whether we are in the right direction,
or whether there is such a thing as right or wrong, light and darkness, truth and lies.

We walk because that is all we can do,
We show up for life every day, every moment because the rest is not in our ambit,
We do the best we can each day,
knowing that our absence will not cause any major upheaval in the universe,
That we are only a very miniscule part of the larger whole,
And hoping that we can contribute in some small way,
to create meaning for at least one life.

Before the final departure.

‘The last call’.


One more step,one more day,one more breath.

The notion of being free. How deceptive it really is. The more freedom one wants, the more disciplined one has to become. It is a very stange phenomenon. For one, being physically free does not imply being free mentally. And any kind of freedom brings with it its own bondage. Because to maintain that freedom requires sustained discipline and a similar level of responsiblity. Maybe more.

Ashok, our software developer decided to work the night, day before yesterday and me and Appu had to drive over to the office, way past midnight to deliver a mattress and chadar to the office to facilitate a short nap for him in the early morning hours (thats a long sentence by any measure). And I told Appu that despite what the MBA gurus say, the basic requirement for running a company was purely this: ‘To be able to deliver a mattress in the office past midnight’. Its funny what the management and education gurus fail to teach us.

We are ready to submit the report for the site in Hyderabad. Finally, with the work order in place,it is a huge relief. We are also working on the online shop and should have some maps ready by the end of the month.

Some of the financial liabilities are being cleared (the emotional will take generations to clear). The banks are OK with us. They are getting their money. We are heading for a financial audit beginning next week. Rajeev is going to be busy with the auditors and will be quite unavailable for other jobs. Shikha has ordered more chairs in the office (the chairs are always a problem, the entire fight is about the chair and its power).
Dimpi and Kamakhya are scheduled for a training on ArcGIS 10.0 on this coming monday and tuesday by NIIT. We managed to purchase one license for the Dell maching with Windows 7.0 as the operating system (since the earlier versions of ArcGIS that we have,were not compatible with it).

Appu is still recovering from the pressures of our educational system. She is still not back to normal. She coped and that was the long and short of it. she survived school.

One more step, one more day,one more breath.


Money and shit

Money and shit. They seem to go hand in hand. Along with dis-respect. We are dealing with the real estate guys and as we go below the surface, we are discovering that their marbled offices house some of the most sophisticated and educated goons of this earth. And we have no idea how to deal with them. They think money can buy anything and anyone. Well almost. So our work and technology is just a prop to help their liasioning agents do a better job with the Airport Authority of India. ‘Land sharks’. I guess our blood will be up for sale soon. Unless we also become goons.

My father always said that ‘making money was not the cleanest or the best of jobs’. We are caught between the banks, the real estate sharks and the sarkar. We definitely need the support of a Higher Power with us right away. As long as land power is greater than ‘information’ and ‘technology’, our country will remain in the grips of goons (whether in the form of real estate developers or politicians).

To create something ‘beautiful’, one has to become ‘unbeautiful’. That is what is happening with us. We have survived but at what a cost. There has been no music, no hobby,no, connecting with my daughter for many years now. It has just been the banks, clients,tenders,GC and now dealing with the real estate guys.

Rajeev is our new accountant and he has a huge mess of ‘unfinished and pending’ work left by his pre-decessor Shiva, to finish. Not a rosy chair for him at all. We are hoping that he will be on target for the audit scheduled in March.

The weekend is here. The weekly rations for the office need to be bought. Appu has her dance class. And I might just get fewer calls than on other days. And that is a huge relief.

More money is always equal to more shit. Wondering how much we would be able to handle.

And If at all.


Small mercies

How does it feel when an ongoing war is over? How does it feel to see the loss, the dead bodies littered all over the battle field, the loss of relationships, of sanity, of self respect? Even if the war has been won? Does the victory matter anymore? or the fact that we have survived? I do not know.

Is there a sense of relief? Maybe. Is there a sense of loss? Definitely. Overwhelmingly (is there such a word?)
What would the survivors of a concentration camp have to say? That they were glad they lived. Or they wished that they had died before seeing the cruelty of man against man? What can we say? That fnally we are not banging our heads against the ‘sarkari wall’. That finally the banks are not after our life. It does not matter where the money is coming from. We could be selling drugs or ourselves. The banks give a damn. The money should come in somehow. Theek hai. Take the money. Then what is this preaching about white and black money? we should just be talking about money.

Shikha and Mehtaab are back. There was a possibility of them running out of money and we requested Silakari of Akar consultants to chip in if required but he flatly refused. It was not his reponsibility to pay for the tickets or the hotel. The ‘smallness of men’. It never ceases to amaze me. I should have been used to it by now but like a die hard optimistic, I continuously keep searching for the basic goodness in men (and women). All the data has been submitted and we have about 60% of the due payment. Of course it will go towards clearing the adhoc limit taken from the bank (where else can it go?)

My laptop got stolen long ago and I have not been able to replace it. But it appears that I may be able to get one out of the term loan sanctioned to us by the bank in the next fortnight. That would be quite a releif. I have been using the PC meant to be a server and it keeps shutting down ( just like me I guess). And it has been tough asking the clients to arrange for a laptop for making presentations in front of AAI (Airport Authority of India).

Exams, rations for the house and office, bills (Ah the bills), plumber, the car repair, payments,clients, the online shop. OK. Deep breath. Tackle one thing at a time.

The weekend is here.

Once again, Thank God for small mercies.


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