Work has begun in the newly leased office space. It is bareshell and a lot of renovation,fabrication,interior wok needs to be done to make it operational. Quite a job. Appu is coordinating with the architects and contractors and that is a major burden off my head. The biggest challenge facing us is that of building a good team. A team which has this ‘stuff of leadership’ one keeps hearing about. The stuff dreams are made of. We have a dream. A fantasy.
I think it is time we re-defined ‘poverty’. Poverty is not about having ‘nothing’. It is about having ‘everything’ and yet wanting ‘more’ by any means. It is about dis-respecting women and children. It is about hiding our true selves and presenting a painted mask to the world just to look good. It is about not confronting the truth for fear of loss of wealth or chair, even if it is staring us in the face. It is about producing bad quality work and getting away by saying that we are not educated enough. It is about selling our souls to make money fast. So the rich are sometimes poorer than the poorest. And the poor are often times richer than the richest. Bahut complicated hai.
We are also a country driven by bottomlines. Ten years ago it was ‘roti,kapda,makan’. And even today it the basics. The politics of this country is driven by the bottomline. Add to it ‘daaru’. So if the would be netas ( really?) offer khana,kapda and/or daaru, the promise of a few square feet of land, they get the votes. To achhi sarkar kahan se banegi? We are the ones selling our own futures so cheap. Whom can we blame? And the money to provide all this comes from the corporates. And hence politics becomes business. Based on M&M. Money and Muscle power. Mike par speech dene se koi neta thodi ban jaata hai. We have no leaders today. We have no one to look up to. That is a poverty that cannot be redeemed. Our younger generation is busy trying out the western culture. Whether it is clothes, lifestyle, drinking, smoking, girlfriends or easy money, they want it all and now. No spark. All plastic. I guess we are responsible. This is what we have created. Plastic people. Plastic money.
Where is the topline? What kind of a nation do we wish to be? What are the qualities we wish to live by? What do we wish to be known for? Can we just become clean for a change? Manage the garbage and drainage? Ensure clean water supply to all before creating more malls? Ensure enough parking space and open space before allowing more cars on the already overcrowded roads? Do good work in place of just trying to look good? We do not donate organs, we do not donate time and we certainly do not donate goodwill. Are we really human? The lawyers and judges are worse than prostitutes. Yes. The courts are worse than the so called red light areas where thousands queue up to buy and sell souls everyday.
More than money, we need to generate and achieve self-respect today. As a nation. As individuals.
So that our children do not turn around and ask us:
‘What the hell have you done?’
Likhne ka time nahin hai. Sone ka time nahin hai. Symptoms of living in Delhi. Of trying to be part of the mad race. Bhaag Milkha bhaag. Jab thak jaayoge to khud hi baith jayoge. Till then, all the best.
Overflowing garbage dumps near the glamorous malls and five star hospitals. Stinking water all over the roads due to bad drainage during rains with open nallahs, Of course New Delhi is the capital of India. No doubt about that. But you know about the co-existence of combinations, right: raat aur din, garibi aur amiri, gandgi aur mall, paise, daroo aur election. sab jude hue hain bhai. They are all connected.
Office mein abhi team hai. Aur bas bees minute baad, ab team nahin hai. That is the reality we live with. We are good or we are really bad. All extremes. We cannot perform a balancing act. Either we work hard and smart or we sleep. Barring the eating, there is pretty much nothing else that we do ( or are capable of doing with the hectic work schedule). The admin and accounts team is very sincere and hard working as of now. The techies ( technical guys) want the money, the easy and fast way. Just that there is none. There is no short cut.
Chal raha hai. I mean we are not running with a negative balance in our bank. That is huge. That is fabulous. Some time ago, we had to apply for an additional loan and nearly all the banks refused. All of them wanted to know how we could run a company despite being in the negative for so long? We tell them that we follow the spiritual laws, not the laws of the material earth. They did not believe us. We did not get the loan.
Rakhi, depicting the love between a brother and sister. Why does the love last only for a day in a year? I mean there are so many years and 365 days in every year. The love should last on an everyday basis. And for a lifetime. Lifetime? What a PJ (poor joke)? Lifetime ke liye toh kuch bhi nahin hota. Specially love. Talk about money. Get real. So me and Appu have decided to be at home, catch some sleep and some good home cooked food. That is all. No fake celebration of a love which does not exist.
We have work. We are employed. Just that the office has to be shifted. The new leased office space has to be renovated . Paise chhahiyen and time and effort. All scarce commodities. What has to be done, has to be done.
We just wanted to live a decent life. How is it that we have managed to create so much of chaos man?
Finally have a few moments to write. Finally there are a few moments of peace. Of silence. The phone is not ringing (Thank God!). There is water in the office and the house. Most of the bills for this month have been paid. There is work and we are in the midst of completing three projects. Can you imagine that? From ‘No work’ to ‘some work’ to ‘so much work’! Unbelievable. But so much stuff in our lives is unbelievable.
Have not slept well for the past two months. There has been too much work, too much stress. Ditto for Appu. The admin issues, the team creation, the execution and completion of projects has taken up all the space in our lives. There is nothing left for anything else. No time, no energy to do anything apart from work. Our relationship is getting affected with this overload and yet I have no solutions, no alternative path as of now. It is just like a one way street with no end in sight. We are following a gruelling routine and there is no exit route.
There is no time to go for long walks in the park. No time to do normal things. To cook for Appu. To be with her. To be normal. Running GC has become a juggrenaut which has taken up all the space in our lives. And living in a city like Delhi is a very tiring task in itself. There are too many people, too many cars, too many masks, too many ambitions and too many male egos to tackle. Being a common man does not help at all. Being a woman on top of it is a complete disaster. We keep talking about the physical rapes happening in the city. What about the mental and emotional rapes happening in our own homes and offices all the time? What about them? The court metes out punishment based on what is written on the papers. What about the unwritten committments? The unwriitten committment when we take on a project or have a child or make love? Are we not supposed to follow it through till the end? And will it not be a crime to abandon the project, child or relationship midway?? Which court in the land can punish such crimes? It is so ironic. The biggest crimes are unpunished. And we keep fighting for money, property and all the other unnecessary stuff in courts. Ladte raho bhaiyya. Keep fighting. keep shouting. For all the wrong reasons. At all the wrong places. The Gods above must be in despair.
Mask utar lo bhai. Let us show our real faces to the world. Let us not be poor in thought or action.
We have a team. A well paid one. For once we are capable of offering high remuneration to our technical team and we are very happy about it. It definitely takes us out of the realm of just earning dal roti or of meeting our basic needs and from being a part of the ‘aloo pyaaz ki GIS mandi’. We are doing good work. We are earning good money and we are very very grateful. To our Higher Power for this abundance in our lives today.
Thank you HP.
Have been working nights. Continuously. There is a certain tiredness. Of the mind, body and soul. Part of the package deal I guess. The good and the bad. The beautiful and the ugly.
Appu has wished me Mother’s Day in the most innovative manner. As I went to brush my teeth in the morning, there were these lovely colored alphabets strung together in a wave over the mirror wishing me ‘Happy Mother’s Day’. And there was this little cartoon with her and me on the left side of the mirror. It felt beautiful. This is true wealth. Real abundance. To be loved and respected by your child. Thanks bebzer. You made my day.
There is work. Which is huge. I mean we are not begging. We are not even marketing our sevices anymore. Yet we can safely assume that we are employed, at least for some time now (!!). Wow. I mean we are employed employed. Not unemployed employed. You know what I mean.
We are still looking. For good team players. Difficult to find winners.
We are OK. Better than before. Barring the bills to be paid, a court case, interviews, looking for a new office space( as our lease is running out), the rest is OK. My father visited me recently (of course behind my mothers’ back). He suggested that I should get less angry. That I should practice acceptance. Valid point. He has forgotten the umpteen times that he got violent with me, my sister and mother. And his emotional absence in our lives. He was always there but never really there. These are the paradoxes with which me and my sister have grown up. And so it not news that my sister was beaten up by her husband a few days ago. Not just a slap. Violence which continued for an hour or more. And the roots are in our violent and abusive childhoods. How could we ever become confident or successful or happy as adults? But which court can punish this kind of crime? This emotional crime is the genesis of all kinds of other crimes, the mother of all crimes so to say. But there is no acknowledgement of them. Family hai. sacrosanct hai. No one wants to talk about it. kids get molested. Girls get raped within the family. Chup raho. Don’t talk about it. Push it under the carpet. Appear like a good family. But somewhere, some generation has to bear the consequences, the high cost of being silent, of the unspoken, of the abuse.
I ma grateful to the Higher Power for our life today. Me and Appu. We have a roof. We have food to eat and clotes to wear. We have work to do which is challenging and that we are proud of doing. More importantly, there is no viloence, emotional or physical. What more can we ask for.
Thank you God.
I have written in pain. I have written in joy. I have written in good times. And bad.
And yet there is this emptiness. This huge void now. I experienced this void in the family. When anything and everything was about looking good. About faking it to making it. And now in the professional world. Where ‘democracy’ means a huge organized white crime network. Where ‘bureaucracy’ is equivalent to ‘slavery’, ‘secrecy’ and ‘scams’.
We do not have access to AAI anymore. Their doors have been closed to us. We are the devious ‘third party’ trying to take away their bread and butter. Forget that we are only looking at earning ours, not taking away anyone else’s. And our trying to do ‘good work’ is a huge threat to them. Our trying to be ‘winners’ is making them feel like a ‘loser’. We have no idea how and why. Maybe losers can only deal with losers. Any winner would be a threat. Someone who does not belong to their class and needs to be killed.
Kuch to badlega. Something will change, even it is at the cost of throwing us out. And ‘change’ is ‘growth’. Till then, we have to keep our fingers crossed. And keep walking on the chosen path. Alone.
The accounts are shaping up. We have begun work on the software again. And yes, we have a core team. Finally. A team which will stay despite and inspite of. And we are no longer looking at new team members. We are fine. There is fear. As always. Of work, of bills, of salaries. But there is also faith. That we will make it. As always.
We will muddle through.
All that is so beautiful, so surreal, so worth experiencing always seems out of reach. Maybe that is why it looks so beautiful. Because it is so far away. And unattainable.
Re-structuring of the team. Always in a dynamic state. Influx and outflux. Maybe this is healthy for us. The team has to grow with us and as we change, the team has to change. Also I think it is very diffiult to stay with what is honest and true. In an honest environment, everyone has to be honest and that requires more than ordinary courage. It also needs letting go of all the masks behind which we hide. This requires exemplary courage and rigorous honesty. Tough. Very tough.
One project is ready for submission. Well almost. Why is it always ‘almost’ ? We ‘almost’ live. We almost ‘die . Yaar pura ji lo. ya pura mar lo. What is this almost? Whatever has to be done, let us do it 100% guys. Let us either live or die completely.
Appu has gone out with her friend today. It is very rare for her to leave the house. I am hoping that she will have a good time.
Baki theek hi hai. The first week of the month. Bills, salaries, rents. Breathe. Focus on your breath. Everything will fall into place. Eventually.
What a word. What a state to be in.